Unsaveable?

[MightyIsTheLord]

This is the most honest post i've ever made here at worthy. This comes straight from the heart, im putting all the cards on the table if you will.

This isn't the first time i've made a post like this here and the wonderful community here is probably tired of me moaning and whining so i'll make this my last post like this.

When i was 14-15 i sexually abused my half-brother and half-sister, my brother was about 8 at the time and my sister was about 3 or 4. This is holding me back from a relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Everytime i try and draw close to God i feel that i can do anything, that God is with me and i will do anything for him. Then that voice comes and says to me: 'if you love god, if you truly have faith in him, tell your dad what you did.'. After this i end up smoking weed again or looking up porn again then i fall away. I must have backslidden 100+ times since i first tried becoming christian 3 years ago. And i thought, i've tried so many times and failed so many times. Maybe there are 1 or 2 people who cannot be saved. What if i'm one of those. I figured that if i can't get it right with God, if i'm doomed to repeat the pattern of 1) repent, 2) draw close to god and obey him, 3) feel guilty and scared because i've what i've done and 4) fall away, then i must not have done step 1 right which defeats the whole thing and means i've never truly been saved. I'm not depressed, though it is a little depressing thinking that i'm destined for hell and eternal seperation from God. I'm just looking for a way out, a way to connect with God. I know if i tell my dad what i have done, he'll kick the crap out of me, drag me down to the police station, i'll end up getting stabbed in prison because thats what happens to pedophiles then dying in my sin, all alone with no hope. I've always been weak of faith because i don't go to church or fellowship with other christians. I try and keep to myself as much as possible. For example, i used to spend my whole summer breaks from school inside on the computer. When people i went to school with are out working, going to college/university, going away to different countries on holiday or just living their lives like normal people do, i'm inside, playing games on the computer. I find it difficult to talk to people i don't know and i can't sing so i can't worship god. What i did to my brother and sister is preventing me from having a relationship with my dad and my mum lives in australia who to be honest cares for herself only (or maybe its me, i only care for myself and am just being selfish, i dont know). I just don't know. I have a girlfriend, i tell her i love her, i feel nothing. I have 3 friends, 1 i dont see much of, another i'm mean to and take the mickey out of his situation all the time, and the other winds me up and makes me feel angry, so angry. I feel nothing apart from confusion. I've prayed countless times to God to change my heart, to allow me to love and feel God's love. Nothing has happened. So i've come to the conclusion that by promising God i will repent and never doing it, i've actually managed to damn myself for all time, God may love me but i think hes had enough.

Ok im done, i think thats all of it.

Edited August 23, 2009 by MightyIsTheLord

[~candice~]

Have you read about Irsael in the book of Judges? There was a terrible cycle there of following God, falling to sin and worshipping false gods, calling out to God for rescue, God raising up a judge and leading them in victory. This cycle was repeated over and over again! How patient is our God. You can continue to come back to Him. Is there anything in your life put in place to stop you from falling away again? Perhaps an accountabiliy partner or strong relationships inside church?

I know that this is one of those sins that people loath to talk about. But I do believe the bible when it says that Jesus died for all of our sins, including pedophilia. Repent, and turn to Him, and walk with Him. He forgives you much more freely than this world will.

[MightyIsTheLord]

Have you read about Irsael in the book of Judges? There was a terrible cycle there of following God, falling to sin and worshipping false gods, calling out to God for rescue, God raising up a judge and leading them in victory. This cycle was repeated over and over again! How patient is our God. You can continue to come back to Him. Is there anything in your life put in place to stop you from falling away again? Perhaps an accountabiliy partner or strong relationships inside church?

I know that this is one of those sins that people loath to talk about. But I do believe the bible when it says that Jesus died for all of our sins, including pedophilia. Repent, and turn to Him, and walk with Him. He forgives you much more freely than this world will.

thanks for replying. It's not as if i still do what i did. But when i draw close to God that voice that tells me to tell my dad, what if its God. Because i just cant do it, i cant face my dad and tell him what i did. I know what will happen.

[~candice~]

Have you read about Irsael in the book of Judges? There was a terrible cycle there of following God, falling to sin and worshipping false gods, calling out to God for rescue, God raising up a judge and leading them in victory. This cycle was repeated over and over again! How patient is our God. You can continue to come back to Him. Is there anything in your life put in place to stop you from falling away again? Perhaps an accountabiliy partner or strong relationships inside church?

I know that this is one of those sins that people loath to talk about. But I do believe the bible when it says that Jesus died for all of our sins, including pedophilia. Repent, and turn to Him, and walk with Him. He forgives you much more freely than this world will.

thanks for replying. It's not as if i still do what i did. But when i draw close to God that voice that tells me to tell my dad, what if its God. Because i just cant do it, i cant face my dad and tell him what i did. I know what will happen.

It might be God telling you to tell your dad. But let me ask you... do you think that God would ask you to do something that you could not do? God rarely shows us the full picture when He asks us to do something, we are to step out in faith and trust Him.

Disobedience to God is a sure fire way to backslide again. If He is asking you to do this, then do it. The earthly consequences of following Him are nothing compared to the eternal consequences of not following Him.

[branchesofHim]

I pray that God directs you to a professional who knows the LORD and will counsel you with Godly wisdom. I pray for Spiritual healing (saving Eternal Relationship with Jesus) for all your family involved. This is the first step, and God and only God can heal you and yours. I am at a loss for words, but know that God loves you and those affected. I trust that God will intervene.

[MightyIsTheLord]

Thanks for your replies.

I wish i had the strength to take my own life. But i don't.

I feel like i'm trapped in a cage thats about to fall into the ocean.

I want to write a letter to my dad telling him what i did then take off and never come back.

[branchesofHim]

Do not think about taking your life. Make your life a living testimony of how God and only God tranforms a life. Research Joyce Meyer, and her testimony of forgiveness and how her father came to know and LOVE our LORD by Joye demonstrating the LOVE of Christ!!!

[~candice~]

Thanks for your replies.

I wish i had the strength to take my own life. But i don't.

I feel like i'm trapped in a cage thats about to fall into the ocean.

I want to write a letter to my dad telling him what i did then take off and never come back.

Have you got counselling? Suicide is not the answer! I think true freedom is walking in the will of God. Be obedient to His call.

1 John 2 (NASB)

1My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin And if anyone sins, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous;

2and He Himself is the propitiation for our sins; and not for ours only, but also for those of the whole world.

3By this we know that we have come to know Him, if we keep His commandments.

4The one who says, "I have come to know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him;

5but whoever keeps His word, in him the love of God has truly been perfected By this we know that we are in Him:

6the one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked.

[MightyIsTheLord]

I'm not going to kill myself, im not that strong.

Maybe God will give me another opportuanity to walk with him one day when this is out of my life, i hope so.

Maybe if i went to a councillor and told them what i did, or maybe telling the police what i did and having man's justice punish me will relieve the guilt.

[Rick-Parker]

The Lord has forgiven you. Let Him remove your shame and guilt. You alone have to let it go. (Check out my testimony.) Sometimes there are events that happen than when you try to make amends, it causes more harm than good. How would telling your father help in your walk with Christ? The advice about seeking Christian counsel is good advice. I'll say a prayer of peace for you.