GregorTheGaliant Posted December 11, 2009 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 16 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 29 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/17/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 07/22/1993 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Please review what i have written then give me suggestions to make it better. thanks. CHAPTER ONE Its interesting really, how this played out. How this horrible thing they called my life is coming to an end at the hand of the person I have hated most of my life. And the fact that she is doing it as slowly as possible makes me hate her more. If that is possible. Her name was Morgaln. She is of the darkness of the Order. My name is Galiance. Well, I guess that Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyguy Posted December 11, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 373 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 3,331 Content Per Day: 0.59 Reputation: 71 Days Won: 10 Joined: 10/15/2008 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/24/1965 Share Posted December 11, 2009 Not bad. In some places it's a bit too descriptive, and in others, not enough. You took lots of time to describe the table where everyone is eating but not enough on the wife and daughters for me to care about them. It seems you are cramming a liitle background in, just to get to the action part. Flesh it out a little. My 2 cents. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JCISGD Posted December 11, 2009 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 64 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,345 Content Per Day: 0.24 Reputation: 30 Days Won: 1 Joined: 03/05/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/10/1961 Share Posted December 11, 2009 hi Gg, i thought it was quite good and still do, but wyguy`s comments made me look closer and i agree with him. I will add that your last comment does not say you lost all that you loved, but all that you had. You might want to think about that in the light of wyguys comments. On a side note but still related i feel i will share an insight with you I learned from going through a 12 step programme for addictions. We were asked to write down our lives up to this point. We each then read them out and unbeknown to us we were being assessed by the amount of feeling we showed in our stories. Almost everyone had written factual accounts with little feeling about the events in their lives. Our mentor went on to say that those who could not get in touch with their feeling did not stay sober or get healed. I can verify this as i stayed in touch with some of the others and they could not see what our mentor was saying and despite claims of being free they all soon lasped into their addictions. Not saying this has a personal application for you, but it may help in your story writing. God bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebula Posted December 12, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 10 Topic Count: 5,823 Topics Per Day: 0.76 Content Count: 45,870 Content Per Day: 5.95 Reputation: 1,897 Days Won: 83 Joined: 03/22/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/19/1970 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Ditto the above. No need to rush the chapter. Draw us into the story of your character's lifethrough tales rather than descriptions. Present the story of the family. Let the reader get to know the family, that way we will feel the loss right with the character. Personal interactions are what really make a story come alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewToChrist Posted December 12, 2009 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 27 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 53 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 5 Days Won: 1 Joined: 11/26/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 03/10/1992 Share Posted December 12, 2009 Ditto the above. No need to rush the chapter. Draw us into the story of your character's lifethrough tales rather than descriptions. Present the story of the family. Let the reader get to know the family, that way we will feel the loss right with the character. Personal interactions are what really make a story come alive. I agree. I love to write and desciption is key. Background sets the scene and puts the reader in it, but knowing the family and their background lets the reader feel like he/she is part of the situation, lets the reader dive deep into the story and problems. I'd love to read more though! Great start!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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