US family expels their adopted child to Russia

[amor]

I know a now young man who was adopted from Russia.

He was and still is a handful - to put it mildly. We're talking serious mental issues.

Here's the story. He came from an orphanage in Russia. The best way I can describe the conditions he went through is to compare it to The Lord of the Flies. I'm serious! Your heart would break if I could re-tell the things I heard.

An example: Whenever charities or churches or whatever would give birthday gifts to the children, within two weeks everything they were given would be stolen by the other children. Consequentially, this boy would never receive anything his adoptive family gave him. Within two weeks, every present given him would be discarded. He was also very possessive of the things he considered his. I was at a youth group retreat with him, and I have never seen anyone go crazy mad like he did over someone else sitting in "his" seat. (And I really do mean crazy mad.)

And that is just one example.

So Forrest, I have to seriously oppose you on this one. I've seen first hand the product of a Russian orphanage. When I read this story, my heart completely went out to the woman and her family. After all, would you know how to handle a psychotic child? (And I don't use that term "psychotic" lightly.)

The problem isn't the adoption process. The problem is those Russian orphanages.

The problem is a child being betrayed twice. I have no sympathy for the woman simply because her behaviour shows her to be shallow and irresponsible and to be honest evil. This is a seven year old child abandoned on a plane, how can that ever be acceptable. If you adopt a child you should expect a problems, your vocation is to help your new child overcome them not to abuse them in this way.

[MorningGlory]

The problem is a child being betrayed twice. I have no sympathy for the woman simply because her behaviour shows her to be shallow and irresponsible and to be honest evil. This is a seven year old child abandoned on a plane, how can that ever be acceptable. If you adopt a child you should expect a problems, your vocation is to help your new child overcome them not to abuse them in this way.

I have to agree; an adopted child is no different than a biological one. One doesn't have the option of chucking their responsibilies for that child. I believe the child probably IS psychotic but her duty was to seek help for him, not throw him away. It's appalling that anyone could be so heartless. What will she do if a child she gave birth to develops such problems? This story is beyond disturbing.

[Believer1997]

I knew I should have stayed away from this thread, but I forgot to mention something.

Not that it matters apparently.

But whenever anyone tried to discipline this boy I mentioned, he would stare at your face with a smile, sometimes with a laugh.

He was so giddy at himself for punching a guy to get him to stop breathing in a way that annoyed him. He won, and that's all he cared, and he didn't care what punishment you dished at him. He still got what he wanted.

How do you discipline someone who can dish out more than you can, and can take more than you can?

And how do you bond with a child who refuses to or can't emotionally attach back to you? Try parenting a child who regards you with indifference, who won't receive you love, but stores your discipline as enmity.

I can't believe you guys think this is normal or that "the right" love and discipline would change the child's behavior.

These children are not rare and certainly not normal - no one says they are. They have a condition as a result of being shelved in an orphanage or home with no interaction or early bonding. What you've described - I've seen and know of counselors who specialize in nothing but Reactive Detachment Disorder.

The case you describe is what a lot of parents who've adopted (especially from Eastern European Countries like Romania, Russia, etc.)

Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which infants and young children don't establish healthy bonds with parents or caregivers.

A child with reactive attachment disorder is typically neglected, abused, or moved multiple times from one caregiver to another. Because the child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met, he or she never establishes loving and caring attachments with others. This may permanently alter the child's growing brain and hurt their ability to establish future relationships.

Reactive attachment disorder is a lifelong condition, but with treatment children can develop more stable and healthy relationships with caregivers and others. Safe and proven treatments for reactive attachment disorder include psychological counseling and parent or caregiver education.

All this said - you simply do not return a child like a piece of mismatched luggage. THAT is what almost everyone in the thread has reiterated.

[MorningGlory]

These children are not rare and certainly not normal - no one says they are. They have a condition as a result of being shelved in an orphanage or home with no interaction or early bonding. What you've described - I've seen and know of counselors who specialize in nothing but Reactive Detachment Disorder.

The case you describe is what a lot of parents who've adopted (especially from Eastern European Countries like Romania, Russia, etc.)

Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which infants and young children don't establish healthy bonds with parents or caregivers.

A child with reactive attachment disorder is typically neglected, abused, or moved multiple times from one caregiver to another. Because the child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met, he or she never establishes loving and caring attachments with others. This may permanently alter the child's growing brain and hurt their ability to establish future relationships.

Reactive attachment disorder is a lifelong condition, but with treatment children can develop more stable and healthy relationships with caregivers and others. Safe and proven treatments for reactive attachment disorder include psychological counseling and parent or caregiver education.

All this said - you simply do not return a child like a piece of mismatched luggage. THAT is what almost everyone in the thread has reiterated.

[refugepsa91]

Wow....

What about the russian orphanages...is anyone outraged over that? All I see mostly is the women and mother being slammed into the dirt for what they did.

If these children (God love them and hold them) are that damaged then russia has NO right to adopt them out to what I would call "normal" parents...they need to make sure that the perspective parents have some credentials to adopt these kids. By credentials, I mean a degree, in child psychology. Obviously they would be better equipped to deal with these poor children.

Theres many ways we can lay blame....but I think instead of shredding these people and implying anyone who doesn't agree with your opinions more or less shouldn't have any children themselves is way off base.

If you as an individual has the ability to deal with the kind of extreme behavior spoken about in this thread...God Bless YOU!! I mean that too. But don't criticize those who don't.

[Believer1997]

Wow....

What about the russian orphanages...is anyone outraged over that? All I see mostly is the women and mother being slammed into the dirt for what they did.

If these children (God love them and hold them) are that damaged then russia has NO right to adopt them out to what I would call "normal" parents...they need to make sure that the perspective parents have some credentials to adopt these kids. By credentials, I mean a degree, in child psychology. Obviously they would be better equipped to deal with these poor children.

Theres many ways we can lay blame....but I think instead of shredding these people and implying anyone who doesn't agree with your opinions more or less shouldn't have any children themselves is way off base.

If you as an individual has the ability to deal with the kind of extreme behavior spoken about in this thread...God Bless YOU!! I mean that too. But don't criticize those who don't.

Eastern block orphanages and Russian orphanages have been an ongoing subject of Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International. The conditions, supposedly have improved - but they are still horrendous. These children have been failed by a system overwhelmed and with little or no compassion for their care - and again by the people who adopt them and are disillusioned because they are not 'normal' and perfect kids.

http://www.russianlife.com/article.cfm?Number=148

This is just one of thousands of articles on the problems with orphanages there. It's horribly sad. We've close friends who have adopted two children from Romania. They went and visited the orphanages there and were horrified at what they saw. They were warned by the adoption specialists in the US and Romania that these children may not ever form an attachment. They are 15 and 12 now and have had years of counseling and constant care by parents who knew it wasn't going to be an easy task to care for them. To look at them, you'd never know they were once starved for food, love, attention, etc. They are struggling still to trust and to deal with the emotions and lack thereof.

[refugepsa91]

God bless your friends and the two children they adopted. That sounds like a wonderful outcome

What I'm trying to convey, just because some people can't handle that behavior does not make them monsters. It does not make them evil or abusive. It makes them human. Period. We all have flaws or things that we wish we could do or handle better. Talking so horribly about the women who sent this child back is below us. It screams self-righteousness and a snobbery that is astounding.

Until we walk in someone elses shoes we have no right to be so cruel and abusive with ours words towards those ladies. We also have no right to imply that those who don't agree are not deserving to have children of their own. I pray that poor child gets adopted by someone who can do what your friends did...give him a life he derserves. But I won't be-head the women that couldn't help him. I'll let God sort that out.

[Rick-Parker]

Yet is it fair to the adoptive mother if the mental issues of the kid were perhaps hidden from her before adoption?

We don't know her entire side of the story.

When you adopt in many ways it is just like having a biological child in that you do not know what you are going to get. However, just like with having a biological child it is your responsibility to deal with any issues or problems your child has. Parenting is not a job. A job you can just up and quit if you can't hack it. Parenting is a responsibility. When you adopt from Russia, you make at least 2 trips out to Russian before the adoption is finalized. During those visits you get to spend time with the child you are adopting. Now sure, that doesn't tell you everything about the child, but you know more about that child you are adopting than a biological parent would know about their baby when it is born.

Adopting older children is hard. When you don't even speak the same language, its even harder. However, when you adopt a child, regardless of whether they are 1 month old when you adopt or 10 years old when you adopt, they are your child, just like a biological child is your child, from the moment the adoption is finalized. Anyone that took a biological child and put them on a 15 hour flight by themselves to another nation simply to discard them would be viewed as a monster. Why should an adopted child be any different? That child was her son just like her other kids are.

When you adopt older kids, you should go into it expecting that the kid will probably have some issues, and you may well have to involve a child therapist at some point to work through them. These orphanages over there are like The Lord of The Flies for older kids. Older kids from them are going to be socially retarded in some ways at first, and they are going to have issues with empathy, and in some cases knowing right from wrong. When you adopt an older kid dealing with those kinds of issues are what you sign up for. Anyone that has adopted an older kids in through foreign adoptions will tell you that much of what they were told prior to the adoption about their kid was not true. That is just how it works unfortunately, and its not an excuse just to discard your kid like that.

This is probably the only time I have ever agreed with you forrestkc. What a horrible thing to do, mentally disturbed or not!

[refugepsa91]

So we just lynch this person and do nothing about the process?

Believe it or not I don't agree with how the women handled it either. But I can tell you one thing...if I believed for one moment that my family was in danger from another I would definately seperate what I precieved to be a danger from my kids/family. Am I evil? Am I a monster?

It starts with the process. If either side was lied too then the process needs to change. It sounded like alot of russian adoptions don't work out. I doubt this is the first person then to decide they couldn't handle it.

Conditions MUST change in these orphanges....perspective parents MUST be fully prepared and informed for what their child will be dealing with. If neither is done then I doubt this will be last time we hear a story like this.

[Matthitjah]

I agree sis.

I'm just wondering if the Russian outrage is inflated. Quite honestly, their not dealing directly with the problem themselves. If anything thay have made the matter worse by allowing these children to languish and some might say that they see it as a golden opportunity to see folks from other countries alleviate them of their problems. It's actually their failed Socio/Politcal environment that has caused these wayward children.

Yes, sending the child back was the wrong answer. That doesn't mean we get to pick up stones in our commentary though.

Peace,

Dave