My mom.

[Isaiah 6:8]

Due to my wife and I moving to Norway and me having to stay behind in the states for 3-6 months, and in order to save money I am staying with my mom, in the spare room.

I have two basic issues both related but different.

The Powdered Behind syndrome is when you cannot talk to a person to give advise, because they powdered your bottom.

I am getting this from my mom.

She is also treating like she did when I was 15 or 16 years old. (I am 32!)

It started with me having a mess left over from the chaos of taking my wife to the airport over 4 hours away the day before. I got back home at 2:30 am, and woke up only in time to get to work, at work I injured my leg so on my day off I could hardly walk or even bend my knee. I did tell her I would take care of it , as soon as I could. that night I did not fall asleep until about 3 or 4 am, and barely made it to, and then through work, I even left early. I came home she had cleaned all the stuff and had just thrown it all in a box and stuffed it into my room and told me she did it but with that frustrated attitude like I had purposefully waited like I did when I was a child. (she seems to forget I am a married man with a Job and a lot of other things I need to take care of for me to move to Norway) The next day, one of my brothers friends came over and made a mess in the kitchen, She assumed it was me and lectured me on cleaning up after myself saying "Remember your wife is not here to clean up after you any more" (this really hurt me and my wife when I told her) I told her who made the mess, and she sorta looked shocked and dropped it.

She also called me on my way to work yesterday and complained about me not getting my sister home before midnight as she had school to go to the next day. My brother runs a Karaoke show and my sister had gone to watch and sing in it. She did this with out my knowledge. She was also at 16 years old responsible to get her self home. I had no part of the planning of this, nor was I even asked to bring her home. I happened to go there to meet my brother to talk over some business and was asked to bring them home. So I did after dealing with what business I had and stopping for a real quick at Taco Bell run. I was blasted for not bringing her back home before midnight!! I am still confused as to how this was my responsibility!

My mom seems to forget I am an adult, a youth leader and a married man. She continually treats me as though I am only 15 or 16 years old, and am just another one of her kids at home. Now I do pay rent to her, less then I would elsewhere but I do pay something I am not just mooching off my mom. Now she does not make the kids clean up that much, until it gets really bad. She did not realize how much mess they leave because my wife was cleaning the whole house including after the kids to the point where she felt she was not loved save for being a maid. The whole time, my siblings hardly raised a finger to help my wife clean up there mess, this included caring for their pet dog and cat, even though this is one of their only full time responsibility's.

As for my siblings, she lets them get away with things I would be grounded until I was 80 if I did! Of course this is common enough, typical first child stuff but she went to an extreme. When she went through the divorce she did what I have seen countless single parents do, she has switched from a parent to a friend and seems almost afraid correct or to train up the younger two.The other thing I have seen is the opposite where the parent attempts to control their child's whole life.

She also has made it crystal clear that even though they are my siblings and I am 15-16 years older then them, an experienced and trained Christian youth worker, I am not allowed to as them to do anything, even just helping around the house, or even correct them, even if they are doing something blatantly sinful (aka listing to music that would be considered porn, or watching very racy shows all about sex etc.) because I am not there father so I have no right. Their father, my step-dad is my mom's ex husband and not really a good influence on them and he lets them do whatever they want and hardly if ever corrects them and Never has any deep input on any thing. He never did even with me, he does not know how, and he has 100% walked away from the Lord.

Now I do not want to be their father, and it kills me not to be able to have any input into their lives at all, and I am watching them slip over to the world, with my brother somewhat slowly and with my sister, she is full on embracing the world and all it entails and I am scared for them, and I do pray for them.

Its really hard as I have parents of other teens going through similar stuff that want me to talk to their kids and have input in their lives and I have seen God work great things but I should not be surprised

Mark 6:4 (New King James Version)

⁴ But Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor except in his own country, among his own relatives, and in his own house.”

Not that I am a prophet but its true with all ministry I guess!

Now when it comes to the first thing I have yet to be able to sit and talk with my mom, but here is my fear.That she will become defensive and not listen. I have sat down and talked to her about my concerns with the kids and what I have seen when she is not around. (as of course they act differently!)

She listens sort of. She then goes on to defend them and make excuses for their behavior. She has picked up this theology that almost removes sin from the picture but bases all our sin coming from hurt, so its not really our fault, and I am so mean and judgmental when I say sin is sin. I know where she got these teachings and thats not what was taught, what was taught was to look for root hurts and that is part of the problem but dealing with hurt with sin, is still sin. My mom heard what she wanted though and almost refuses to acknowledge sin as an issue.

So here is where the powdered rear comes in. She is my mom, She gave birth to me, She changed my diapers and no matter what wisdom or understanding I may have in this area or in other where I have been taught what she did not know, she refuses to listen. When I speak to her of these things I do not do it in a "know it all" frame of mind but one of worry and concern as I love my family. For instance I discovered that someone was trying to scam her out of money, and provided her with pages of hard evidence showing this. She did not listen and lost the money. She is also getting older and I am picking up on her missing on things she did not use to, and seems not to have the same amount of discernment she had 15 years ago. I know that if I cannot work this out to where she will honestly listen, and consider what I have to say, as an adult, things could get worse if she ever (heaven forbid) gets to a point where I need to run her life or start making decisions about her long term care etc.

My issue on the first point that if she does not listen about my legitimate concerns about living here I will need to move out and I really cannot afford to do that! All I ask, is to be treated as an adult, not a moody teen age kid!

any advise help, and prayers much appreciated!

[enoob57]

True humility is being able to be in a place where your pride will not allow yet peace comes when you dismiss the pride and become fully submissive to that which you consider lessor....

The example of Christ is for us all everyday in all things

Phil 2:5-8

5 Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, 7 but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.

NKJV

God has placed your need of her in finance... do not let pride drive you from the opportunity God has for your increase in this...

The house that nurtured you has not changed but you have in this is wisdom do you wish to destroy that which brought you forth?

Love Steven

[ladypeartree]

Ok as a mum who had grown children come back to live with me due to their financial situation matbe I can shed some light on what MAY be happening.

No matter WHAT age you are or how mature you have become to your mum you will ALWAYS be her little boy. She picked up for you when you were a child and doesnt want to go through that again ( she sounds as if she is just too tired menatlly as well as physically to do it ) soooo although to you the fact that you had left a mess was understandable and you had EVERY intention of clearing it up to her you had left a mess and didnt appear to be in any hurry to clear it up ( as was probably the case when you were a child so it is your own fault )

At 16 your sister is NOT old enough to get herself home at midnight and if you really look at what you have written you say that you shouldnt be responsible for her and only went there and for something to eat etc etc etc but in the next line you want to advise her and your brother about the way they are behaving ...sorry but you cant have it both ways

Your mum is probably very worried about how they are turning out but is unable to sort the mess out ( it is normal after a divorce as the amount of physical and emotional strain is HUGE ) she looks at you and sees someone who is all the things she wants for the others ... sensible, commited to God, happily married , etc etc etc and I have no doubt that she saw you make all sorts of bad choices as you were growing up so she can " think " that it is ok for your siblings to do the same because look how well YOU turned out after you had gone through your own rebelious stage ( yes YOU may not think you were anything but perfect but mums see things with different eyes )

If your siblings have been allowed to get away with not doing any of the chores since you and your wife did them for them why do you thing they are going to change now ???? The only way this is going to change is if you refuse to do their chores for them in an adult way and NOT like a sulky teen ...keep your own things exceptionally tidy and out of the way, do the clearing that YOU are responsible for and let them know in a firm but none hostile/ accusatory way that if they have pets they must see to them as you have other things to do.

I remember feeling very resentful of the fact that my younger sister was allowed to do things that I had not been allowed to do , my older sister says EXACTLY the same thing ... it is called LIFE since there are no perfect children there are no perfect parents and very often parents try to turn out perfect first children and when they realise that it is not working they relax a bit more with the next one ( and so on down the line ) LEARN from this for when you have your own family ( not that it will make a lot of difference because we ALL say we will never do this that and the other that our own parents did and guess what ?? when we become parents ourselves our children also think that whatever we do is wrong )

In les than half a year you will no longer be in that houshold so do what you can to show love and patience, understand that this is NOT all about you and that no one os perfect. YOU have moved on but your mum and your siblings are still on the journey ... keep praying for them and try not to resent the fact that they havent got to the destination yet even if you want to hurry them there you cant do it. They have to make their own way and in their own time... all you can do is keep praying for them and try not to build resentment by critisizing either by word or body language if you want them to come to you and listen to what you say when they need advice.

Here endeth the lesson

[Guest man]

My issue on the first point that if she does not listen about my legitimate concerns about living here I will need to move out and I really cannot afford to do that! All I ask, is to be treated as an adult, not a moody teen age kid!

any advise help, and prayers much appreciated!

You could be 105 and you would still her little boy. You're 32 and she's still providing you with shelter and a place to lay your head at night. Be greatful for that. In the future when that no longer exists, you'll wish it did.

Making statements like "if she won't listen to me, I'll move out", sounds like you're trying to be controlling. Remember who's roof you're under. You're a guest in someone elses home. If I invited someone to live in my home and they proceeded to tell me how to live, I probably wouldn't listen to them either.

The Lord tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves, treat people the way we want to be treated. Would you want someone to tell you how to live? What to listen too, what to watch on TV, how to spend your money? The people you live with may be your family but they're also your neighbors.

If you want someone to listen to you, pick up the phone and call your wife. She's probably lonely without you and would listen to anything you have to say just to hear your voice.

[Believer1997]

My issue on the first point that if she does not listen about my legitimate concerns about living here I will need to move out and I really cannot afford to do that! All I ask, is to be treated as an adult, not a moody teen age kid!

any advise help, and prayers much appreciated!

You could be 105 and you would still her little boy. You're 32 and she's still providing you with shelter and a place to lay your head at night. Be greatful for that. In the future when that no longer exists, you'll wish it did.

Making statements like "if she won't listen to me, I'll move out", sounds like you're trying to be controlling. Remember who's roof you're under. You're a guest in someone elses home. If I invited someone to live in my home and they proceeded to tell me how to live, I probably wouldn't listen to them either.

The Lord tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves, treat people the way we want to be treated. Would you want someone to tell you how to live? What to listen too, what to watch on TV, how to spend your money? The people you live with may be your family but they're also your neighbors.

If you want someone to listen to you, pick up the phone and call your wife. She's probably lonely without you and would listen to anything you have to say just to hear your voice.

Yep.... I've been here and done this IN BOTH ROLES - as the adult "child" moving back home for awhile AND as the parent of grown children who have moved back into my home while in transition to new jobs, etc. Respect your mom and realize that she is going through a lot of changes now - you are her son (and you will always be 'young' to her) and you are moving away... possibly for many years ... she's worried about you. When my adult 'kids' were at home - I couldn't go to sleep until they were in the house .... They live far away from me now and I'm well aware that one of them has horrific hours and works until the wee hours of morning and then goes out with friends... I don't worry - because I don't SEE it... I don't SEE the mess he makes, I don't SEE the fact that his car license decals have expired to worry about that... Cut her some slack and be grateful for spending some time with her.... You will be a parent one day and I promise you will have some of the same feelings...

[nebula]

Poor Josh - looking for sympathy and then instead getting admonished!

I understand what the others are saying as far as never ceasing to be a parent. I got the biggest kick one time out of witnessing my 80-something year-old grandmother mothering my 60-something year old mother, and my mother complaining about it.

For what it's worth, I understand the frustration and struggle of having to deal with a parent who is acting in less than mature manners. You want your mother to be someone you can look up to, but she's not giving you anything to look up to. I am betting that deep down, you still want mom to be your nurturer (I can't imagine anyone who doesn't still desire this no matter what the age. I remember my mom and aunt having a "wow, we're on our own now" feeling after grandma died.

One problem you might be having is that without the love of father or husband, your mother is (subconsciously) wanting you to fulfill that emotional need in her for a father's/husband's love. So even though she is mothering you, she may also angry at you for for failing to be that emotional support for her, and part of her behavior may be trying to get you to be that. (Again, this is subconscious. It is a common ailment. If she is doing this, she is probably clueless of it, and would be offended at being told such.)

So, the only suggestion I can give is to start each day asking the Lord for the grace to honor your mother and to be a servant to your family, to be a godly example to them, to be a witness to them, and that your time with them will be for His glory.

[Creed]

Trying to figure out which is worse . . . Powered Behind Syndrome or Boooooo Wahhhhhh Syndrome (when someone who really needs to appreciate an inexpensive roof over their head for 3-6 months acts like a moody teenager).

[ladypeartree]

Sorry I know you wanted somwone to come up with a way to make life better whilst you are missing your wife but please know that we are all praying with you as well

[Isaiah 6:8]

At 16 your sister is NOT old enough to get herself home at midnight and if you really look at what you have written you say that you shouldnt be responsible for her and only went there and for something to eat etc etc etc but in the next line you want to advise her and your brother about the way they are behaving ...sorry but you cant have it both ways

Yep sorry I did not make this clear. My step-dad her father was there she was not alone, she had several adults with vehicle around her to get her home. her job was to make sure he knew to get her home early. My point was I got chewed out for getting her home late even though I got her home. I agree I cant have it both ways and thats what bugged me, I cannot have input into her life but yet I get chewed out for her not planning on getting home? She was supposed to be home before I even left the house to go to the restaurant. I don't mind picking her up or taking care of her at all. I was just miffed that I was chewed out because my sister did not make plans to return with my dad at an earlier time then 11 or 12.

As for me moving out if she does not listen, that is my wifes precognitive, not mine. I do appreciate the roof over my head. I think the issue is this, she did not treat me like this when my wife was here, the day she leaves my mom reverted to I am her little boy, its the sudden change that caught me off guard.

I was not clear on the advise I need. Most of the comments I already addressed in my original post but as I got long winded most of it was missed!

Like this

As for my siblings, she lets them get away with things I would be grounded until I was 80 if I did! Of course this is common enough, typical first child stuff but she went to an extreme.

I know this is normal and I am not complaining about that.

What I am worried about

So here is where the powdered rear comes in. She is my mom, She gave birth to me, She changed my diapers and no matter what wisdom or understanding I may have in this area or in other where I have been taught what she did not know, she refuses to listen. When I speak to her of these things I do not do it in a "know it all" frame of mind but one of worry and concern as I love my family. For instance I discovered that someone was trying to scam her out of money, and provided her with pages of hard evidence showing this. She did not listen and lost the money. She is also getting older and I am picking up on her missing on things she did not use to, and seems not to have the same amount of discernment she had 15 years ago. I know that if I cannot work this out to where she will honestly listen, and consider what I have to say, as an adult, things could get worse if she ever (heaven forbid) gets to a point where I need to run her life or start making decisions about her long term care etc.

Also she is remarried and happy with her husband but its mainly long distance she sees him once ever two months or so.

[Fez]

One problem you might be having is that without the love of father or husband, your mother is (subconsciously) wanting you to fulfill that emotional need in her for a father's/husband's love. So even though she is mothering you, she may also angry at you for for failing to be that emotional support for her, and part of her behavior may be trying to get you to be that. (Again, this is subconscious. It is a common ailment. If she is doing this, she is probably clueless of it, and would be offended at being told such.)

So, the only suggestion I can give is to start each day asking the Lord for the grace to honor your mother and to be a servant to your family, to be a godly example to them, to be a witness to them, and that your time with them will be for His glory.

I could not have said it better........