Humbled, Confused, Looking for direction

[MrEmpathy]

I warn you now, this is going to be a lengthy post. I came to this forum because I reached a point where my boot straps have broken. There is no pulling myself up this time.

 

I want to start by giving praise. God has provided me with grace upon grace, despite my unworthiness. As a teen, I played very dangerous religious games and questioned God. At 19, my father, whom I loathed, passed away. He was an abuser and nonbeliever. I was in the Army and not around when he passed, but was present for his funeral several months later. I don't know why, but I felt compelled to pray for his salvation. I received a direct answer not even an hour later. God heard me and answered. It changed my whole perspective on life and religion. I accepted Christ and my life was forever changed. Since then, he has given me, so clearly, my vocation. I was a mental health specialist in the Army. I got out and earned my BA in Psychology. I was accepted into one of the most prestigious graduate social work programs in the country. I have been elected President of the largest mental health non profit in my community. I couldn't afford the graduate program. He gave me every award and scholarship I needed that it is entirely paid for. He has continued to answer prayers time and time again. I need to give him praise, glory, and honor first and foremost.

 

Now the struggle.

 

I met my wife almost nine years ago. I learned of physical abuse in her home and she moved in with me and my mom, we were 17. A year later, we had a child. Sure we were too young and it probably wasn't wise. In fact, it wasn't wise. But, it has proved to be a blessing. When our son was one, my wife's behavior became erratic and unexplainable. We separated for six months. Then, I learned she had been sexually assaulted from 3 to 17, by her step father and less consistently by her step brother from 5 to 16. We got back together, got married, and worked through the issue. He was a police officer and so pressing charges became a nightmare. I joined the Army so we could get away from him and have a safe place to live. Nevertheless, a year later, a dozen warrants were issued for his arrest and he committed suicide. Her mother then changed her name to his, defended him and my wife's relationship with her mother ended for about a year.

 

She had the courage to get help and was eventually diagnosed with major depression and posttraumatic stress disorder. A year later, she left me and went on a ridiculous spending spree for three months. Her diagnosis changed to bipolar disorder. I took her back and continued to love her unconditionally. This happened again yet another year later. I took her back and continued to lover her unconditionally. I got out of the Army and we returned home. We have now been married for a total of six years. I am a full time grad student and she a part time student and full time employee. We have two kids. As with most marriages, the fun and excitement has waned. We are too busy; I work 80 hrs a week and she 60 and then kids and a home blah blah blah. She often comes home late, always leaves the house when she gets a phone call. I became concerned. I asked her if anything was going on six months ago. She said no.

 

Two days ago, she said she was leaving and that she has been unhappy. No crap, you experience major depression and experienced a lifetime of trauma I thought to myself. She started bringing up fights from three and five years ago. I was confused. None of what she was saying made sense. I asked her if she has found someone else. Sure enough, yes. She tells me she is in love with someone from work who is almost 20 years older than us. He makes her laugh and is fun to be around. She wants to be with him. Last night, she attacked me and became wholly erratic and irrational. I remained calm and simply recorded the whole event. I will be contacting an attorney tomorrow. I want to blame the event on mental illness, but cannot get over the betrayal. It hurts so bad. I have been there for her unlike everyone else. I am the only one who has ever loved her and it wasn't enough.

[cozmoe]

Will be keeping you in prayer brother ,Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

[MrEmpathy]

Thank you.

 

It is nuts, the whole situation. I really could have typed a lot more. We were both nonbelievers when we married. I became one. She still struggled with the idea of God and suffering what she had. I continued to witness through my actions and leading our children through and to the lord. Not even a month ago, she came home and had john 3:16 tattoed on her wrist. She said she finally understands. God wept with her, but allowed suffering to shape her more into his likeness. She said she wants to find a mission to help other victims like herself. Everything in my life, her life, our life, was coming together. And then this.

 

I have to wonder if this is a spiritual attack. Hopefully I just sound Christian and not like a religious nut. Although I suppose that doesn't really matter. I just cannot help but feel like the devil saw her exiting her pain and coming to Christ and said not uh no way. Instead of giving her something to be depressed about, he tempted her away with something attractive. It caught her off guard. I don't know and perhaps making assumptions or suppositions about why what happened did is pointless. Still, my psych background is telling me that I have to place meaning on this or else it will haunt me forever.

 

Then I think, if it is a spiritual attack, how can I forgive, but not take her back again. That is assuming this will be like previous times she has left and wanted to return several weeks later. But then I think, why would God want me to be so unhappy and be yoked to someone who clearly is not also a believer and who justifies their sin in the name of God. She said she is doing this because this man was a gift from God and he will be the end of her misery.

 

I am so controlled and poised, but right now a part of me wants to fall apart. Your prayers are appreciated and that scripture resonates. Again, thank you.

 

 

*edit - I know both of my posts have major grammatical and syntax errors and are very colloquial. I am too exhausted to focus on that right now. Sorry if the errors make the posts confusing to read.

Edited October 14, 2013 by MrEmpathy

[WIP]

I'm so sorry that your marriage is falling apart..by all accounts you have done much to try and keep it together.  If your wife is in a sexual relationship with another man ..why do you put up with it.? She is obviously very deceived if she thinks that The Lord would bring another man into her life when she already has a husband...
You not only have yourself and your wife living in this terrible situation but you have children as well..this must be devastating for them and its for their sakes that you need to get this sorted very soon. Have you asked for advice from the elders of the church you attend.?.you really need some godly counselling.

 

I will be praying for you and your family.

[MrEmpathy]

^{I have spoken [to them]. The advice was 1 Corinthians 7:15-16
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (NIV)}

 

^{The kids are beginning to grow uneasy. I am sure they can tell something is up. My wife tried to pull my daughter into one of her rages a couple days ago. Still, they do not actually know yet. I am trying to preserve their peace as long as possible. On that note, I still have to praise God because they had off school today and we had a wonderful time enjoying beautiful weather and each others company playing all afternoon.  The neighbors came out and the kids all got to play together, It was some much needed joy.}

 

^{All the prayers are appreciated.}

 

^{She claims to be in love with, but denies any explicit sexual activity. I don't buy it. There is too much to suggest otherwise. Nevertheless, I have put up with it because of her past and because of her mental illness. I guess this time has gone further than previous times and I am finally asking myself the same.}

Edited October 14, 2013 by MrEmpathy

[BFP]

Sometimes, as hard as we might try, people are broken beyond repair. Make it your priority to protect your children to every extent you can, and let her go. She will probably attempt to come back into your life again, and it will be between you and God if you allow that to happen, but don't feel guilty letting her go. Will be praying for you.

[other one]

does she at times seem to be a completely different person?

[MrEmpathy]

BFP: That is the tough part. Not feeling bad letting her go. 9 years, for anyone, is a long time. Being 26, 9 years is a large part of our lives. The background, everything really, makes it very hard. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.

 

OO: Absolutely. Not often to the extreme of completely different person. However, I have woken up every day wondering which wife was going to present on that day. Still, in these times when she leaves, it is night and day different. She is still oriented x3, if you have psychiatric knowledge and were inferring to the potential of a dissociation disorder.

[BFP]

BFP: That is the tough part. Not feeling bad letting her go. 9 years, for anyone, is a long time. Being 26, 9 years is a large part of our lives. The background, everything really, makes it very hard. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.

 

OO: Absolutely. Not often to the extreme of completely different person. However, I have woken up every day wondering which wife was going to present on that day. Still, in these times when she leaves, it is night and day different. She is still oriented x3, if you have psychiatric knowledge and were inferring to the potential of a dissociation disorder.

I know how it feels mr.Empathy. I have a son, who is probably a lot like your wife. Undiagnosed...we just cannot cope or deal with him and the monstrous things he throws our way. We have had to let him go, and believe me, it doesn't happen without many tears, banging your head against the wall trying to help...and many HUGE disappointments. It is not something I ever want to go through again. Although we recieve phone calls these days, we keep him at a huge distance, and are not shy to simply hang up when he gets out of control. To have no control over the situation, and to watch him go so far downhill over the years is truly heartbreaking. And it doesn't help that he turned to self medications with crack and crystal meth in the last few years. No parent ever wants to go down that road with thier child. Just saying that I truly do understand, and I am so sorry you are having to walk down this road. It is a lose lose situation, and I fear only God has the answers. All I can say is that through it all I have had to believe with all my heart that God has a plan, everything happens for a reason...and just trust Him. I don't have any answers...but I have One who carries me through the heart ache

[kwikphilly]

Blessings MrEmpathy!

      Clearly this has been a disaster from the get go and even through it all the Lord has blessed you with 2 beautiful,healthy children....you both were not believers when you met,decided to live together,had a child...all of your own doing & then(thank God)you came to Christ......then we ask God,"help!!!!"This probably was not the woman God had for you & eventually it is bound to unravel(if you know what I am trying to say?)We all make mistakes & God loves us & forgives us but we do suffer the reprocussions from that sin......She may have tattoed John 3:16 on her wrist but why,I don't know?I don't see God giving a person to someone to commit adultery,that is absurd...Mr,Empathy-I say run for the hills & let your focus be God #1 and then your children.....I would suggest if you do decide to take her back that you both go for Christian counseling and unless God is at the center of this union then forget it!

    Just by your wife stating that this man will be the end of her misery tells me that she is looking for a person to make her happy & not the Lord,unless He is first in our lives and before everyone & everything we can never be whole.......You are still very young and have alot of blessings awaiting you,trust God,seek Him in all you do and stay very close to your church family & other Christians that can offer you support at this time...we are here for you,and know that Jesus loves you,He will never leave you nor will He forsake you.

                                                                                                                 With love ,in Christ-Kwik