Elderly Neighbor Who Became Intrusive

[JesusIsLove]

@wingnut Thank you for understanding what I am dealing with. It's nice to know I am not alone in this. Although she is from a different generation, I have never dealt with an elderly person whom has acted in this manner. For me, it is a bit much. Most elderly people I have known will speak and be friendly from a distance, and continue on with their day. This is a new and unexpected experience for me and my family. I guess this is why I feel uneasy around her.

Yes, I did tell her she was welcome at our home, but usually when people exchange phone numbers, they have show manners and common courtesy by calling first, not just popping up unannounced. After all, she told me the same thing, but I was not constantly showing up at her residence unannounced and uninvited. I went to her home 1 time only. Respect has to go both ways in order to cultivate a friendship.

God bless.

 

 

Hello again,

 

It really comes down to individuals I suspect.  For about the last decade, I have been going to a retirement home that my grandparents were residents at prior to their passing and I do karaoke entertainment for them on the weekends, usually Saturday and Sunday evenings.  There are many who keep to themselves, and there are many who are very sociable and interactive.  There are a few that are quite clingy, they will even follow me to the bathroom for example.

 

It can be unsettling, so I do relate to what you are feeling.  Thankfully my neighbor lives behind me, so our backyards meet up and she has never walked around the block to knock on my door.  She doesn't come out and approach my mother, it seems to be just me she is interested in talking to, and I know everything about her and her family, down to medical issues.  I admit that when I head out to my backyard, I often find myself thinking, ' I hope she doesn't come out here .'  I feel bad about it, and when she inevitably does come out I cringe a bit, shut down the mower, and try to keep the conversation as brief as possible.  I know it is loneliness that drives her, and why she fixates on me I will never understand.  I would think she would be more interested in chatting with my mom since they are closer in age.

 

I just operate from the understanding that God is placing this opportunity in front of me for His reasons, and so I oblige her, as inconvenient as it may be at times.  Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this issue, and I don't really have any wisdom to help you deal with it.  There really is no solution to the guilt that I feel myself, and that I assume you feel as well, if you find one let me know lol.  Just try and make the best of it, perhaps you may be the lifeline God has placed there for this woman.  Pray about it and see what the Lord would have you do, for me I know that reaching out to the elderly is something He has placed on my heart to do, maybe it is His will for you also.  God bless.

Wingnut, I thank you again for understanding what I am facing. It definitely helps that you have a similar experience. That's worth just as much or more than actual advice. I do believe that my neighbor's behavior is due to her own personality and upbringing. Not her age or the generation she is from.

My late grandparents were a lot older than her, and they were not that way. They respected boundaries and taught the rest of us to do the same. We've never had any complaints from neighbors who lived close to us. In other words, do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Thanks again and God bless.

[JesusIsLove]

Blessings Dear Sister....

     I certainly sympathize with you because I really do not appreciate "poppers by",,,,,,,I too,find it intrusive(as it it constant),we are not talking about someone you do not see frequently and stops by to surprise you,,,,,although ,personally,I do not care for surprises-lol    And the funny thing is,I do love to have guests,I believe I am always hospitable and all are welcome in my home & made to feel very comfortable.......so I think we share the same feelings  and I really do understand

    I must say,I think you put yourself in this position,,,,,,I know I always extend an open invitation to people but I am quite clear that a phone call is appreciated to let me know they will be visiting,,,,,,,,,even "on the way",,,,we all have our little quirks but good communication is key(imo)    Well,it is too late for that but I think it is never to late to apologize & try to "make it right",,,,,,,,,

     Perhaps if you asked this lady if you could talk with her maybe it can be resolved,,,,,,,An apology is in order,you might want to even explain that it is "your fault" that things have gone so badly & that never was your intention,,,,,,,I would be very open & honest and ask the Lord to help you find the right words to be kind,comforting & bring healing to this bruised relationship,,,,       Explain that you are a rather private person & just not used to unannounced visits & that you do enjoy her company and that you are very unhappy that you are no longer "friends"..........All you can do is try,she will accept your apology or she will not but I feel very strongly that you should extend the olive branch,,,,,especially as an Ambassador for Christ.This poor woman is obviously very lonely and I would hope you could make her feel the love of Christ by the Power of the Holy Spirit ,,,,,,,,,and she just might be willing to see you half way,,,,,

     Let us pray that in Jesus Wonderful Name,,,,,,His love will shine through you & fill her lonely heart              With love-in Christ,Kwik

 

Oh,I would also like to add something,you said that she was not your equal or something like that,in other words I think you are saying you have nothing in common,,,,,,,,,,,,,,you don'y know that Sister,you may be very surprised but you have to look beyond age & appearances & not with the eyes in your head but the eyes of your heart,,,,,,,,there is usually much we can learn from our elders & she just may Bless YOU more than you could ever imagine,,,,,,,,,,

@kwickphilly

My sister, you are correct. In fact, my mother tried to tell me that I should have made it clear from the beginning that I am a person who enjoys privacy and I do not like frequent visitors stopping by unannounced. Mom also told me that I should have recommended that she called first. If my mother could read this, she would say, "I told you so." Lol!!

I did bring this on myself without realizing it. My thought was, since my family and I are fairly new to the area, we should try to make friends with whomever seems like they want to be friendly. I just expected her to befriend us within reason and know her boundaries. I think I expected too much in this case because everyone has different ideas about friendship.

As far as the two of us having nothing in common, I truly believe that to be the truth. Each conversation I've ever had with her has not been in regards to anything other than neighborhood issues. She always seemed to try and make up things to talk about just to keep me outside conversing with her. Probably because she was/is very lonely.

The thing is, although I understand she is lonesome, she should understand that I am a fairly young person and I have family and other responsibilities to occupy my time. My family, especially my mother who is also an older woman, needs me. She has health problems. So does my brother. They are both on disability. I am all they have and vice versa. Needless to say, I love them. Aside from The Lord Jesus Christ who comes first in my life, my mother and brother are also a high priority with me. I wish that she could have respected that. She is older than my mother, but my mother is still my mother and she will come before others. Except God of course. Besides, I barely know this lady and she barely knows me. She wanted to become too close too soon with someone she just met. Why didn't she see that? Sadly, she ended up wearing out her welcome.

As a result, she has chosen to take it out on my brother, and I do not appreciate that at all. Neither does my mother. He had nothing to do with the way I responded to her. This says something about her character. I believe she should be held accountable for her actions and ask for forgiveness as well. Sometimes, the older generation think they can get away with anything because of their age. God sees everyone the same way in that respect. He judges by the heart, not age.

Do you agree sister?

[kwikphilly]

Blessings Dear Sister

      Okay,now here is where I want you to know that I love you my Sister in Christ & I only say things as I see them,never to be disrespectful ......understand that although I can truly empathize with you and I do see how & why you can feel as you do that "No,I do not agree"......The way I see it is that the flesh is hindering what you would see with the Heart & Mind of Christ,,,,,,,,,,Forget "self" Sister,I know it is difficult & maybe it is not even fair but you are representing Christ(First & Foremost) ,,,,,,Why is it important that you get an apology?We demonstrate the love of Christ by turning the other cheek & this is a perfect example,,,,,,swallow your pride,,,,,,yes,respect your elders & extend the olive branch

      God is the Judge,she most certainly should not be taking it out on your brother but we do not repay evil with evil......I am not saying that we have to be doormats either ,just that we should do our very best to show love,the love of Jesus.Yes,the lady seems to have overstepped her boundaries but I am sure it was not intentional,her boundaries & our boundaries are probably not quite the same.Try to keep in mind that we are not accountable for anyone elses actions but our own & we must try to refrain from "re-acting" to situations.I only hope to encourage YOU to have a forgiving heart even when others do not seek forgiveness,ask the Lord to forgive her bad behavior & pray for her.People do not always think the way we do,they do not see what we see & they don't even hear what we hear ,,,,they are OF the world,we are merely IN it ..........

      I do know what you mean about some older folks that seem to have that sense of "entitlement" because of their age and a spirit of pride to go along with it and yes,in Gods eyes we are all the same but He is God & He will have Mercy on who He will have Mercy on & He is no respecter of persons but we are just people and it does not hurt to be respectful ,one day (God Willing) we will be old and it would be lovely to be treated with respect & honor by some kind stranger when most of the world pays us no mind..........So let us just leave the judging of the hearts to God as He is the One that truly knows each of us and pray that with His help we can walk in Spirit & in Truth..........once again II encourage you to put away self,talk to the lady,be open honest and try to bring love & peace where there is animosity & bitterness.........You may even be able to tell her that she can take it out on you for giving her the could shoulder but  your brother has nothing to do with it,,,,,,,,let the Holy Spirit convict her heart through you,He will give you the words if you ask Him to & forsake any bitterness in your own heart................God Bless you,I am praying for you(I have faith you can turn this around)

                                                                                                                        With love-in Christ,Kwik

[JesusIsLove]

Blessings Dear Sister

      Okay,now here is where I want you to know that I love you my Sister in Christ & I only say things as I see them,never to be disrespectful ......understand that although I can truly empathize with you and I do see how & why you can feel as you do that "No,I do not agree"......The way I see it is that the flesh is hindering what you would see with the Heart & Mind of Christ,,,,,,,,,,Forget "self" Sister,I know it is difficult & maybe it is not even fair but you are representing Christ(First & Foremost) ,,,,,,Why is it important that you get an apology?We demonstrate the love of Christ by turning the other cheek & this is a perfect example,,,,,,swallow your pride,,,,,,yes,respect your elders & extend the olive branch

      God is the Judge,she most certainly should not be taking it out on your brother but we do not repay evil with evil......I am not saying that we have to be doormats either ,just that we should do our very best to show love,the love of Jesus.Yes,the lady seems to have overstepped her boundaries but I am sure it was not intentional,her boundaries & our boundaries are probably not quite the same.Try to keep in mind that we are not accountable for anyone elses actions but our own & we must try to refrain from "re-acting" to situations.I only hope to encourage YOU to have a forgiving heart even when others do not seek forgiveness,ask the Lord to forgive her bad behavior & pray for her.People do not always think the way we do,they do not see what we see & they don't even hear what we hear ,,,,they are OF the world,we are merely IN it ..........

      I do know what you mean about some older folks that seem to have that sense of "entitlement" because of their age and a spirit of pride to go along with it and yes,in Gods eyes we are all the same but He is God & He will have Mercy on who He will have Mercy on & He is no respecter of persons but we are just people and it does not hurt to be respectful ,one day (God Willing) we will be old and it would be lovely to be treated with respect & honor by some kind stranger when most of the world pays us no mind..........So let us just leave the judging of the hearts to God as He is the One that truly knows each of us and pray that with His help we can walk in Spirit & in Truth..........once again II encourage you to put away self,talk to the lady,be open honest and try to bring love & peace where there is animosity & bitterness.........You may even be able to tell her that she can take it out on you for giving her the could shoulder but  your brother has nothing to do with it,,,,,,,,let the Holy Spirit convict her heart through you,He will give you the words if you ask Him to & forsake any bitterness in your own heart................God Bless you,I am praying for you(I have faith you can turn this around)

                                                                                                                        With love-in Christ,Kwik

My Christian Sister, I hear what you are saying and you are 100% correct. I am thinking about this matter from my own perspective, not God's. I will be the first to admit that I have always struggled with forgiveness. Not to make excuses, but my family and I have been disrespected by so many individuals in the past. Mostly the ones we went out of our way to be kind to.

Somewhere along the way, I developed a bitter spirit of distrust and unforgiveness toward people in general, and it doesn't take much for me to cut people out of my life. I find it very easy. My heart has hardened in that respect and it's something my mother is constantly speaking to me and warning me about.

I know for a fact that God is speaking to me each day in his own way, telling me to let go of anger and animosity against those who have wronged me and my loved ones over the years, and most recently. It is something I have been trying to work on for a while, and get a grip on so I can make my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ proud. I care what he thinks of me. Not the world.

I will seriously consider apologizing to this lady, and pray that God will help her overcome her issues.

Thank you for your words of wisdom my sister. May God bless you richly.

[Guest]

Praying~!

[kwikphilly]

Blessings Dear Sister

    God Bless you & to God be the Praise & Glory that you have received the message!......Every word was written  with love & it does my heart good to know my Sister has an open heart & a teachable spirit,,,,,,,,that is always my personal prayer,I ask our Lord to help me,that my spirit remain teachable........

      We are all a "process" ,dear one...................I will pray for you & with you that you receive the Heart & Mind of Christ,forsaking all bitterness & unforgiveness.............Shall we touch & agree?

    

Heavenly Father,we come now before Your Throne of Grace ,asking & believing in the Wonderful Name of Jesus that You refresh our indwelling,help us to be sensitive to the promptings of Your Holy Spirit that we may be quick to forgive others,that we forsake any anger,bitterness or resentment so we do not hinder our beautiful walk with You,in Spirit & in Truth.................Help us Lord,to think with the Mind of Jesus,to love with the Heart of Jesus that others may see your Glory in all that we do & say,,,,,,pointing to the foot of the cross that they too may be Saved!!!!!! Let Your Will be done in our lives Father,we give You all Praise,all Glory ,all Honor & all our Thanksgiving,,,,,,we love you Abba!                                With love-in Christ,Kwik

[1to3]

Hi JesusIsLove

I also can relate to the topic.(been there,)

 

"There is a saying high fences make good neighbors". or something to that effect.

 

I think that kwik gave wise and biblical answers to this topic.

 

Another thing to consider is the  "  being a people pleaser  " snag.

 

If you feel you are people pleaser, you need to look into yourself to find out why?

People who have become people pleasers are many times people who have been abused

and bullied at some point in their early upbringing into an abusive subservient position.

Their own boundaries were violated at some point , making the understanding of healthy boundaries unclear.

 

These same people need to relearn what healthy boundaries are.

The only way you can teach someone else, is by your own examples of doing things.

 

People can also learn better behavior from watching other people with better behavior.

 

and most importantly;

God can help to restore a person back to having healthy boundaries.

 

Stating your truth in a polite and respectful manner is always the best policy.

 

Some people look to take advantage of kind people. These same people when they see someone to kind will try and take as much as they can from the situation.

And then when they see that you also have a firm side to you, can once again try to manipulate you and the situation by actions to make you feel guilty so that you become all apologetic so that they can return into the a position of you being subservient to them .

 

Don't let this happen, remain  firm with your boundaries while keeping a polite, respectful polite christian manner.

Pray about the situations and ask the Holy Spirit of God to guide you as to what to say or not say .

 

The lesson to learn here I think is to make your position quite clear from the beginning and if the person does not understand, then keep repeating your position quite clearly.

As long as you keep your position and boundaries firm, those that would take advantage, will eventually back off.

 

Its good to be kind, but many can misunderstand someone to kind to quickly and will try to see if they can take advantage of the situation.

It is up to you to allow it or not.

 

A persons intentions may be good and not harmful, but only time will reveal that.

 

The only person you can take care of is yourself in terms of behavior.

Its really is up to us to keep our own boundaries and state clearly what we feel is comfortable with or not in any given situation.

 

I have had in the past similar problems with intrusive people and neighbors and

over extending too soon my availability to people.

I have had to learn through trial and error.

Today,

I value my privacy and make it known to whoever I speak with who comes unto my property.

  And when someone comes on my property, I remain friendly but with reserve and I keep my boundaries and stand firm on

them.

If you let yourself become a pushover in these circumstances, it will never end.

 

Best wishes to you;

1to3

Edited April 15, 2015 by 1to3

[JesusIsLove]

Blessings Dear Sister

    God Bless you & to God be the Praise & Glory that you have received the message!......Every word was written  with love & it does my heart good to know my Sister has an open heart & a teachable spirit,,,,,,,,that is always my personal prayer,I ask our Lord to help me,that my spirit remain teachable........

      We are all a "process" ,dear one...................I will pray for you & with you that you receive the Heart & Mind of Christ,forsaking all bitterness & unforgiveness.............Shall we touch & agree?

    

Heavenly Father,we come now before Your Throne of Grace ,asking & believing in the Wonderful Name of Jesus that You refresh our indwelling,help us to be sensitive to the promptings of Your Holy Spirit that we may be quick to forgive others,that we forsake any anger,bitterness or resentment so we do not hinder our beautiful walk with You,in Spirit & in Truth.................Help us Lord,to think with the Mind of Jesus,to love with the Heart of Jesus that others may see your Glory in all that we do & say,,,,,,pointing to the foot of the cross that they too may be Saved!!!!!! Let Your Will be done in our lives Father,we give You all Praise,all Glory ,all Honor & all our Thanksgiving,,,,,,we love you Abba!                                With love-in Christ,Kwik

Amen sister. Thank you very much. God bless.

[JesusIsLove]

Hi JesusIsLove

I also can relate to the topic.(been there,)

 

"There is a saying high fences make good neighbors". or something to that effect.

 

I think that kwik gave wise and biblical answers to this topic.

 

Another thing to consider is the  "  being a people pleaser  " snag.

 

If you feel you are people pleaser, you need to look into yourself to find out why?

People who have become people pleasers are many times people who have been abused

and bullied at some point in their early upbringing into an abusive subservient position.

Their own boundaries were violated at some point , making the understanding of healthy boundaries unclear.

 

These same people need to relearn what healthy boundaries are.

The only way you can teach someone else, is by your own examples of doing things.

 

People can also learn better behavior from watching other people with better behavior.

 

and most importantly;

God can help to restore a person back to having healthy boundaries.

 

Stating your truth in a polite and respectful manner is always the best policy.

 

Some people look to take advantage of kind people. These same people when they see someone to kind will try and take as much as they can from the situation.

And then when they see that you also have a firm side to you, can once again try to manipulate you and the situation by actions to make you feel guilty so that you become all apologetic so that they can return into the a position of you being subservient to them .

 

Don't let this happen, remain  firm with your boundaries while keeping a polite, respectful polite christian manner.

Pray about the situations and ask the Holy Spirit of God to guide you as to what to say or not say .

 

The lesson to learn here I think is to make your position quite clear from the beginning and if the person does not understand, then keep repeating your position quite clearly.

As long as you keep your position and boundaries firm, those that would take advantage, will eventually back off.

 

Its good to be kind, but many can misunderstand someone to kind to quickly and will try to see if they can take advantage of the situation.

It is up to you to allow it or not.

 

A persons intentions may be good and not harmful, but only time will reveal that.

 

The only person you can take care of is yourself in terms of behavior.

Its really is up to us to keep our own boundaries and state clearly what we feel is comfortable with or not in any given situation.

 

I have had in the past similar problems with intrusive people and neighbors and

over extending too soon my availability to people.

I have had to learn through trial and error.

Today,

I value my privacy and make it known to whoever I speak with who comes unto my property.

  And when someone comes on my property, I remain friendly but with reserve and I keep my boundaries and stand firm on

them.

If you let yourself become a pushover in these circumstances, it will never end.

 

Best wishes to you;

1to3

Thank you. I must say, you made a strong point when you mentioned how being bullied at some point in your life can cause you to be a people pleaser. When I was a child, I was bullied in school. No matter how much I tried to fit in, it never seemed to do much to change things.

When I became a teenager in High School, I became a bit more popular and had a group of friends that I already knew from Junior High School to hang out and clown with. Mostly when we were in school. Outside of school, each summer I looked forward to hanging out with my best friend who came to visit her grandparents who lived 1 house over from me. After I graduated High School, I lost contact with each of my friends from school, and soon enough, by the time I started college, my best friend from out of town made herself scarce because she was starting college as well. After a while, I lost contact with her due to growing into adulthood and each of us trying to find our own way. In other words, we grew apart. That was normal.

The thing is, I became very accustomed to being alone and having my privacy. I actually preferred it. It takes too much time, energy and effort to build a friendship with someone, and I realize, I do not have the patience for it. To this day, my mind has not really changed. I no longer have a desire for close friends anymore. I appreciate a friendly distance between myself and others. The closer people come, the further away I push them, until I get rid of them for good. Especially if they are pushy.

My grandmother always told me, people are only acquaintances, not friends. People are only in your life for a season and they will usually disappoint you in some way. The older I have become, the more I see how correct she was. Mostly because I have lived long enough to experience it for myself. I have built a large wall around myself that I am quite comfortable with and only I choose whom can and can not cross over it. Again, when people get too close for my comfort level, I push them away.

I agree that I should have set ground rules in the beginning, but I expected my elderly neighbor to be old and wise enough to respect boundaries. I guess I expected more than she was capable of giving. Just as, she expected more of a close, personal friendship with me than I was capable or willing to give her. I am finding that many people these days, regardless of how old they are, lack common sense and common courtesy. They want respect, but refuse to give it. This may sound harsh, but I am being honest.

I have learned my lesson for a lifetime. Be friendly from a distance and always, always set boundaries.

Thank you again for your advice. God bless.

[JesusIsLove]

Praying~!

Thank you. God bless.