Toxic relationship with parent

[Justice_League]

Hi there,

I’m curious if anyone here has had to deal with an estranged relationship with their parents? Have you ever gotten to the point where the relationship was too dysfunctional and toxic to go on? The Lord says we must forgive, but are we under any obligation to continue a relationship with a parent when they bring toxic negativity into your life? 

I have attempted to bring up problems and challenges with the parent on multiple occasions, to no avail. I think the worst part is that this parent in question believes themselves to be a very strong Christian and also has a martyr-like attitude, to the point where they honestly believe that they have done no wrong and are completely unwilling and unable to examine their own faults.

The other unfortunate thing is that this parent has become somewhat of a recluse to the outside world, and doesn’t really have any connection to any outside sources that might provide any sort of counter or challenge to their point of view or faults either. My parent is not part of any church and does not really even have any real-life friends (besides other Christians they converse with on the internet and message boards who do not have any way of really knowing who my parent is and what they are like). In short, my parent has completely excluded and shut out anyone from their life who might challenge them in regards to their attitude, and created a false world to live in, in which 1) they are always right and good 2) they are always the victim, and 3) anyone who disagrees with them is in the wrong and is blocked out of their life.

 

I’m hoping to get some input, primarily from others who come from dysfunctional family backgrounds...  if anyone might have any to offer.

Thanks for reading and God bless.

 

 

 

[GandalfTheWise]

I was fortunate and never experienced the deep toxicity and dysfunction that many have.  However, over the years, I've listened to many people who have talked about it.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two entirely different things.  In part, forgiveness is changing our views and feelings toward a person and what they did so that it no longer eats us up inside.  We've let it go and perhaps see that person in a new light.  It does not require that the person actually change.  We unilaterally decide to change our feelings.  The bottom line is that forgiveness frees us from emotional or spiritual bondage that ties us up.

Reconciliation means that there has been a change on that person's part as well as ours that makes a new relationship possible.  If the other person (who has hurt us) does not change, it may NOT be safe spiritually, emotionally, or even physically to re-establish (or continue) a relationship with them.  To forgive someone does NOT mean that you have to put or leave yourself in a position where they can continue to hurt you.  Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust.  Trust is something that is developed by someone's consistent long-term actions and behavior.

Sometimes it can be good to find an experienced pastor or Christian counselor to talk to about such matters in person.  These people will have seen many situations and be able to give some good practical advice as well.

[Justice_League]

22 hours ago, GandalfTheWise said:

I was fortunate and never experienced the deep toxicity and dysfunction that many have.  However, over the years, I've listened to many people who have talked about it.

Forgiveness and reconciliation are two entirely different things.  In part, forgiveness is changing our views and feelings toward a person and what they did so that it no longer eats us up inside.  We've let it go and perhaps see that person in a new light.  It does not require that the person actually change.  We unilaterally decide to change our feelings.  The bottom line is that forgiveness frees us from emotional or spiritual bondage that ties us up.

Reconciliation means that there has been a change on that person's part as well as ours that makes a new relationship possible.  If the other person (who has hurt us) does not change, it may NOT be safe spiritually, emotionally, or even physically to re-establish (or continue) a relationship with them.  To forgive someone does NOT mean that you have to put or leave yourself in a position where they can continue to hurt you.  Forgiveness does not automatically restore trust.  Trust is something that is developed by someone's consistent long-term actions and behavior.

Sometimes it can be good to find an experienced pastor or Christian counselor to talk to about such matters in person.  These people will have seen many situations and be able to give some good practical advice as well.

Hi GandalfTheWise,

Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. That's really well said. I like your username

[Aimes]

Hey JL!

I come from a very dysfunctional family background. I can relate to your situation to a degree. I've made the decision to have nothing to do with my father. Growing up he was very physically abusive and neglectful. He abandoned my mother (who was seriously ill) and myself when I was 11. After my mother passed away, over 11 years ago when I was 18, he attempted to walk back into my life; he's continued over the last decade to try to do so via online harassment and other various methods. He has not made any changes in his own life, he is still an abusive person and a manipulator. Seeking to use and abuse anyone whom he can. I have forgiven him for all he did to mother and I but I am not naive enough to allow him back into my life. I pray for his soul (he also thinks He's saved but he most definitely is not). It's a very tough situation to be in as part of you has such a willingness and desire for them to be in your life as they are your parent but at the same time you have to make healthy decisions for your own life. I will be praying for you and I know that the Father will give you wisdom to handle this situation with His grace and love. 

 

Be Blessed, 

Amy

[Justice_League]

12 hours ago, TheAimes said:

Hey JL!

I come from a very dysfunctional family background. I can relate to your situation to a degree. I've made the decision to have nothing to do with my father. Growing up he was very physically abusive and neglectful. He abandoned my mother (who was seriously ill) and myself when I was 11. After my mother passed away, over 11 years ago when I was 18, he attempted to walk back into my life; he's continued over the last decade to try to do so via online harassment and other various methods. He has not made any changes in his own life, he is still an abusive person and a manipulator. Seeking to use and abuse anyone whom he can. I have forgiven him for all he did to mother and I but I am not naive enough to allow him back into my life. I pray for his soul (he also thinks He's saved but he most definitely is not). It's a very tough situation to be in as part of you has such a willingness and desire for them to be in your life as they are your parent but at the same time you have to make healthy decisions for your own life. I will be praying for you and I know that the Father will give you wisdom to handle this situation with His grace and love. 

 

Be Blessed, 

Amy

Hi Amy,

Thank you for your kind words and I’m sorry to hear about your own struggles with your father. Dealing with someone who is manipulative can be especially difficult because it can cause so much self-doubt. I know it does for me. 

 God bless.