Non verbal promise to ex wife- Keep or not?

[wombat]

Exwife admitted a  serious and deliberate sin to me yesterday in front of the children. Today she asked me to keep it quiet and not share it with my friends, family or online. 

I said "I hear you" but I never said yes to her request.

I'm torn whether to honor her request.  The marriage is over due to her sin and it  is doubtful for repair due to her  serious new flame. 

[Coliseum]

39 minutes ago, wombat said:

Exwife admitted a  serious and deliberate sin to me yesterday in front of the children. Today she asked me to keep it quiet and not share it with my friends, family or online. 

I said "I hear you" but I never said yes to her request.

I'm torn whether to honor her request.  The marriage is over due to her sin and it  is doubtful for repair due to her  serious new flame. 

Well, you have already chosen not to honor her request by the above, which I highlighted. She was straightforward, it appears, telling you of her sin. You contend the relationship is not salvageable. The ones of course who will be hurt are your children, but you still must be honest about your relationship and not mask it for their sake. They will come to find out later. They need to be told, according to their age, what happened. Counseling is always preferable if both of you can go, otherwise it is not without merit that you go yourself to see your best way forward. I am sorry you had to experience such betrayal. Know that the Lord also experienced it infinitely worse with his own people, Israel. I hope the Lord will bless you and that He will also bring your ex back into a right relationship with Him. God bless you.

[BeauJangles]

On 5/18/2020 at 8:15 PM, wombat said:

Exwife admitted a  serious and deliberate sin to me yesterday in front of the children. Today she asked me to keep it quiet and not share it with my friends, family or online. 

I said "I hear you" but I never said yes to her request.

I'm torn whether to honor her request.  The marriage is over due to her sin and it  is doubtful for repair due to her  serious new flame. 

Hi, wombat,

I'm a bit pressed for time, or giving you a long responsive post would be the usual from me. If the ex missus has spilled the beans in front of the kids, don't expect it to stay a secret. Not for long, anyway. Depending on the incident and element of shame, they're going to pour their hearts out to friends they confide in. Count on it. You've only acknowledged the sin or whatever it was, not promise to keep it confidential. That's on her and not you. I don't think you owe her the dignity if that's what she's looking to protect. So there you have it. Continue on for Christ and let her go on into the abandon of her rebellion against God. 

Shalom, 

David/BeauJangles

P.S. Here's our new quarter dollar piece. A mother fruit bat and her adorable baby bat. Nice. I guess. 

 

Edited May 20, 2020 by BeauJangles

[LonerAndy]

On 5/18/2020 at 11:15 PM, wombat said:

Exwife admitted a  serious and deliberate sin to me yesterday in front of the children. Today she asked me to keep it quiet and not share it with my friends, family or online. 

I said "I hear you" but I never said yes to her request.

I'm torn whether to honor her request.  The marriage is over due to her sin and it  is doubtful for repair due to her  serious new flame. 

Ex-wife?

A serious and deliberate sin... against whom?  This is an ex-wife, so what does this have to do with you?

I would have nothing to do with this.  In fact, I would have nothing to do with her.

The marriage is over, I would talk to her the absolute least amount possible.  Further I would tell her directly, to not inform you of anything she is doing, that isn't your business.

No contact.  No chit chat.  No "so what have you been up to" because I don't want to know.   And this question here, is exactly why I don't want to know.

If you are still married... then I would tell absolutely everyone.  I would tell every single person in her world.  The purpose being to bring her to repent of her evil.

But if she's an ex-wife... that ship sailed, and is gone.  Now you being a stranger, are involved in a strangers life.  I don't want to have anything to do with that.

Give her tickets to the next revival, or salvation meeting at another church.  But no, I'm not getting involved with a strangers life.  Her life, and her sins, are now hers to deal with.  Not you. 

That's my view.  Now I get it, it's a little harder when you are in the mud, to avoid the mud,... but that's my advice.  Stay as far away from this woman as humanly possible. 

[wombat]

Her adulterous  actions has caused her to become an exwife for sure.  I was hoping and praying for a reconciliation prior to her recent decisions. She made the decision based on her belief that she is / was divorced as declared by her   without a  bill of divorce nor Scriptural reasons for a divorce.  

 

I also need prayer to separate myself from her  but not our children that she is housing due to me being forced out of our old home by family members. 

Edited May 23, 2020 by wombat

[BeauJangles]

1 hour ago, wombat said:

Her adulterous  actions has caused her to become an exwife for sure.  I was hoping and praying for a reconciliation prior to her recent decisions. She made the decision based on her belief that she is / was divorced as declared by her   without a  bill of divorce nor Scriptural reasons for a divorce.  

This is the main focus for scriptural divorce. For your protection on court ordered actions against you, file. Soon. The one who files legal proceedings on the other first usually turns out benefiting from it. She can still get child support and alimony according to your present income though. This is the norm on divorces in our country if you  are in the United States.

In certain states, alimony has a time limitation, whereas child support continues until the children are 18 years of age, or are independent of living at home. You may also be required to pay the children's health insurance. If she's out for blood, she could also claim rental and/or mortgage assistance for herself and the kids. File first so she won't take advantage. 

1 hour ago, wombat said:

I also need prayer to separate myself from her  but not our children that she is housing due to me being forced out of our old home by family members. 

Will do, brother. I'm really sorry all this happened to you. I've been through this and that's why I'm advising you about the situation at hand. Do file for divorce. Cut it clean and be fair to her. That's pleasing to the Lord. Let her go now. 

[Paul James]

On 5/19/2020 at 3:15 PM, wombat said:

Exwife admitted a  serious and deliberate sin to me yesterday in front of the children. Today she asked me to keep it quiet and not share it with my friends, family or online. 

I said "I hear you" but I never said yes to her request.

I'm torn whether to honor her request.  The marriage is over due to her sin and it  is doubtful for repair due to her  serious new flame. 

The Scripture says that love covers a multitude of sins.  Also, in Proverbs it says that it is the glory of God to conceal a matter (25:2).

The question is: why would you want to tell everyone in creation about your ex-wife's sin?   Whose business is it other than your and your ex-wife's?   It is one thing to report something where it may cause harm to others, and it is quite another to gossip information to others when it is none of their business.   You need to know that gossiping is a work of the flesh and Paul says that those who habitually engage in the works of the flesh will not inherit the kingdom of God.

When my marriage broke up, a wise pastor told me that I should think of my ex-wife in terms of Calvary.   When Jesus died for us, He took the penalty for our sins with Him on the cross, and God buried them in the deepest sea of His forgetfulness.   What would you think of Christ if He told everyone in creation about your sins, failures and shortcomings?    If Jesus wouldn't do it, then His example is a good one to follow.

[LonerAndy]

On 5/22/2020 at 9:32 PM, wombat said:

Her adulterous  actions has caused her to become an exwife for sure.  I was hoping and praying for a reconciliation prior to her recent decisions. She made the decision based on her belief that she is / was divorced as declared by her   without a  bill of divorce nor Scriptural reasons for a divorce.  

 

I also need prayer to separate myself from her  but not our children that she is housing due to me being forced out of our old home by family members. 

WHAT?

Ooookaaay.....   So I'm not the smartest person ever, so let me verify I got this right.  She is messing around, when you are not actually divorced?   Because she believes, that her saying she is.... means that she is, even without a bill of divorce?

Did I read that right?

So this is bad.  This is real bad.

You need help sir.  You need real advice, from people smarter and better than me.

So depending on the state you are in, will determine how wrecked you are.

But from this day forward, you need to be working toward a point where you have virtually no connection to your wife/ex-wife, at all.

First things first, you need to get divorced.   Stop worrying about what she thinks, and scriptural reasons and such.  If she said, exactly what you posted here, that she doesn't need a divorce, because she saying it, means it is true.... then she is crazy, and a nut job.  You need to get away from her, lest her insanity infects you.

So don't worry about what she says and does, she is crazy.

You need a divorce.  Her life is like the Titanic.  You throwing a rope to the Titanic, isn't going to save it.  It's just going to drag you down with it.   You can't prevent her from crashing.  You can only deal with you.

So that's my first advice.  Get a divorce.  Shop around.  Find the cheapest divorce you can get.  Ask for help from our church.

Second, you need a job and an apartment.   Find a second job if needed.  You need to work, to start moving towards a better future, when all this is a bad memory.

You can't do that, when you are still involved with crazy.  You need separation from this, as quickly as possible.

Third, how old are these kids?   Because the worst thing for kids, is being shuffled around from house to house.

This is my opinion based on what I've read, but it would be better for you to give her custody, or for you to have custody, but no joint custody.  That turns kids into monsters.

You might not be able to avoid that.  But if you can, and she can find a husband that will be a father to those kids, I would let them go.

Now in all of this, you need to pray for one thing.  Just one thing.  You need wisdom.  You need tons and tons of wisdom.  So before you pray for "god change her heart" which isn't likely to happen with crazy people.... you need to pray for lots of wisdom.

Which by the way, is why I said at the start, you need better advice from smarter people, than random internet forum posters.  I don't know you need to see... talk to your pastor at church, talk to a counselor, talk to your family if they have any advice (assuming your family is not nuts, and some are).  But you need better information on how to handle this, than this forum.

Sorry you are facing this.  Learn from this.  You can't avoid going through it, so you might as well learn from it.  My guess is there were some signs somewhere they lady was crazy.  Figure out what they were, and find yourself a better woman to spend your life with.

Hope that helps.

[BorderCowboy]

On 5/18/2020 at 8:15 PM, wombat said:

Exwife admitted a  serious and deliberate sin to me yesterday in front of the children. Today she asked me to keep it quiet and not share it with my friends, family or online. 

I said "I hear you" but I never said yes to her request.

I'm torn whether to honor her request.  The marriage is over due to her sin and it  is doubtful for repair due to her  serious new flame. 

Brother, all I can say is that it depends on the topic of it all. Forgiveness is a Christian move but so is admitting your wrong. Concerning the little ones is touchy, depending on what your talking about. Think on it and pray on it, I'll be praying with ya brother.

[Prycejosh1987]

On 5/19/2020 at 4:15 AM, wombat said:

Exwife admitted a  serious and deliberate sin to me yesterday in front of the children. Today she asked me to keep it quiet and not share it with my friends, family or online. 

I said "I hear you" but I never said yes to her request.

I'm torn whether to honor her request.  The marriage is over due to her sin and it  is doubtful for repair due to her  serious new flame. 

I suppose you and her should at least speak to the pastor about it. Try marriage counselling if you need to.