How many times must I turn the Other Cheek

[TeresaK1982]

I have a sister in law that constantly disrespects me in particular but my children as well.

I won't get into the many and i do me numerous ways she has disrespected me but to say She has made comments and remarks, and gestures with the context of me not doing a good enough job with my children or of me just being not worthy enough for anything. She has blatently shown favorites with other nieces & nephews. I've held my daughters while they cried, and tried to explain to my sons when they ask that she doesn't understand what she is doing.

I really don't care how she treats me but when it's my children it hurts.

The situation is this. We pull names out of a hat for Christmas gifts for all the nieces and nephews. She drew two of my childrens names and we drew 1 of hers. He told her he wanted Hoodies, and some games for a video game console. We told her seperately (both me and my husband) to get him the games but in the format of a new game console. She told me that her son wanted that system but he wasn't getting it for Christmas. And She was going to get my son the Hoodies. She then preceded to call my daughter and explain to her the clothing she was buying her for christmas. My daughter politely told her i really don't like that style. My daughter is 6ft tall and doesn't wear heals, her aunt, my sister in law wants to buy here clogs along with another article of clothing she doesn't like and won't wear. After my daughter told her she doesn't like that style my sister in law insisted that she will just have to see it then you will like it.

I did have to tell you all of that because it is real relevant to my question. Remember I said we have one of her children that we have to buy a gift for. Well she only gave me the names of 3 games (video) to get him. My husband, other sister in law, niece and daughter are quite upset with her for this. They tell me to get her child something (a nice hoodie) which was not on the list of items she gave me to get for him.

I have been praying extensively for God's guidance in this. I don't know if it's the right thing to do to get him something like she is getting my child because she is not doing the right thing. As I said I have been praying and quite a lot I might add for god to give me guidance. But everywhere I turn, from people in my life i get the same answer, and that is to buy him the same thing she wants to buy for my children.

Teresa

[stitchy]

First of all, welcome Teresa! I hope we can all be of a great help to you here at Worthy.

Now, I'm only young so I hope you don't mind me offering my opinion of this situation... the way your sister-in-law is acting isn't very nice, so I think you might benefit from trying to have a talk to her about it. Take your husband along for backup if you want to. Just try and sit down with her and explain how you feel about the way she is acting. Perhaps she doesn't realise she's hurting you and your family this much. (I don't know exactly.. just a thought.)

As for the Christmas presents... it's not your nephew's fault his mother is acting unkindly. If you were to buy him something he didn't want then you'd be acting exactly the same way as your sister-in-law is and that only puts fuel on the fire... you may hurt your nephew's feelings as your children's feelings have been hurt by their aunt. Since he is not the problem, using him to get to her would be really unfair (in my eyes anyway..).

I hope this has helped a little, and I haven't offended you in any way.

God bless.

[TeresaK1982]

God Bless you and thank you for answering.

We have tried on numerous occasions to talk to her. Me, my husband, My other sister in law. To no avail. Unfortunately it appears as if her children are taking on the same behavior as their mother(she actually made me get up for one of her children to sit down) as most of the other family members have noticed this as well. I do want to buy him another game on his list (already bought one) but my husband is adamant that we should get him the same thing she is getting as well as my other sister in law and daughter. The other sister in law is the one Christ used to bring us all closer to him and she has gone through christian counseling with her as well. In as much, most of the extended family have turned their cheeks several times for her to slap. Should we just keep letting her slap our cheeks.

You have certainly not offended in anyway. Again thank you and god bless for your response.

Teresa

[Jahisgr8]

hi teresa,

is your sister in law a christian? it does not seem so.

if you have tried to talk to her and she won

[TeresaK1982]

Hi there. I get a sense of deep frustration. I think the most imminent cause is for some peace within. Pray this one out sister. Have a loooooooooong talk with our LORD. Tell Him about all of your frustration, the hurt, the position you feel you are in. He will absolutely not fail you. He will give you a clear sense. You can test the answer with His Word. If it lines up, it is Him.

In the meantime, I pray that you do indeed find peace. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is very difficult sounding.

buzzbee

As I sit here i cry with frustration. Yes I only have 2 cheeks but my question is should i just keep turning my head and let her slap my cheeks indefinately or is there a point when I should stop. I will look to his word and i won't stop praying. But my husband is the head of our household. Should I take his direction as his wife.

Thank you and god bless

[TeresaK1982]

hi teresa,

is your sister in law a christian? it does not seem so.

if you have tried to talk to her and she won

[stitchy]

Hmm Teresa I'm very sorry you're going through this. I'm also sorry I'm not able to help in any better way. I will keep you in my prayers. Perhaps you should take your husband's direction as his wife, but yes do pray that he gets his direction from the Lord.

Again, God bless

[mike2]

I have a sister in law that constantly disrespects me in particular but my children as well.

I won't get into the many and i do me numerous ways she has disrespected me but to say She has made comments and remarks, and gestures with the context of me not doing a good enough job with my children or of me just being not worthy enough for anything. She has blatently shown favorites with other nieces & nephews. I've held my daughters while they cried, and tried to explain to my sons when they ask that she doesn't understand what she is doing.

I really don't care how she treats me but when it's my children it hurts.

The situation is this. We pull names out of a hat for Christmas gifts for all the nieces and nephews. She drew two of my childrens names and we drew 1 of hers. He told her he wanted Hoodies, and some games for a video game console. We told her seperately (both me and my husband) to get him the games but in the format of a new game console. She told me that her son wanted that system but he wasn't getting it for Christmas. And She was going to get my son the Hoodies. She then preceded to call my daughter and explain to her the clothing she was buying her for christmas. My daughter politely told her i really don't like that style. My daughter is 6ft tall and doesn't wear heals, her aunt, my sister in law wants to buy here clogs along with another article of clothing she doesn't like and won't wear. After my daughter told her she doesn't like that style my sister in law insisted that she will just have to see it then you will like it.

I did have to tell you all of that because it is real relevant to my question. Remember I said we have one of her children that we have to buy a gift for. Well she only gave me the names of 3 games (video) to get him. My husband, other sister in law, niece and daughter are quite upset with her for this. They tell me to get her child something (a nice hoodie) which was not on the list of items she gave me to get for him.

I have been praying extensively for God's guidance in this. I don't know if it's the right thing to do to get him something like she is getting my child because she is not doing the right thing. As I said I have been praying and quite a lot I might add for god to give me guidance. But everywhere I turn, from people in my life i get the same answer, and that is to buy him the same thing she wants to buy for my children.

Teresa

You should be giving a gift from your heart and out of love.

Your family has fallen into the terrible Smiths and Jonses trap, no one is ever happy in that one, and the enemy loves it.

I think you have to ask yourself what is the purpose of this gift giving.

I somehow think it is for selfish reasons ( or misguided values).

I ran into this years ago with my wifes family, once.

I no longer take part in it.

I was told that one member of the family thought there should be a minimum of $60 dollars spent on a gift.

How has that got anything to do with love and kindness?

I now sometimes buy a gift for a relative, but only if I feel that the gift has meaning.

Trust me, you aint missn' much by not taking part in this.

Spend the money on your own chidren.

If your families open the gifts together YOU buy gifts for your children ,with the money you would have spent otherwise.

Someone might say something under their breath, but thats a lighter slap than fighting over what you have to buy someone.

Do this gift giving in love or dont do it.

[secondeve]

Hi Teresa,

I've got a half-sister who can be a bit like this when it comes to gift-giving. When I was a kid, she used to gets me the kind of gifts you suspect she might've bought for three dollars in a newsagency, but would then send our family a list of expensive presents for her children (who are lovely) for us to send overseas. She does this with birthdays, too, forgetting ours and then asking for reasonably expensive presents for hers - which is funny, given that she's the richest person in our family. Family can be tricky, though, and there's not a given recipe for dealing with it. From what you've said, it sounds like you've done everything correctly so far, and as she hasn't responded, it doesn't seem there's much else you can say or do to her that wouldn't be slightly hypocritical - by which I mean, treating her as she's treated you. If the rest of the family is objecting to this behaviour, too, perhaps there might be someone more senior in the group (older, I mean, like her in-laws or parents) who might gently intercede on behalf of everyone. Otherwise, I'd say listen to the rest of the family in their advice. It sounds like this whole thing with pulling names from hats is an effort to ensure that all the kids get treated equally and get what they want, and I'd say it's more important to keep to that system than to jeapordise it for the sake of keeping the peace. If she reacts badly, the fault is with her, as it was to begin with, and it can be dealt with. If not, then at least things will have gone as they should've. Hope I've understood properly and that this helps.

Edited December 11, 2006 by secondeve

[mrp1948]

teresa my wife and I have gone throught this same type of situation I ask you to remember this one thing. When we stand before our Lord he will not judge you on your sister-in-law's heart butr on yours. So do what is the right thing regardless of how she is or does. Take the conflict out of it. It is not about her or how she is it is about you and how you are. Example is the greatest teacher and chastizer. I>E> Jesus is the great example. God Bless and am Praying here