Guest pixy Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 (edited) Where do I even begin... *sigh* My parents and I have always had some problems. Lately, things have been going well, for the most part. However, since the root issues have never been dealt with, we have some nasty flare-ups every now and again. Tonight (well, last night) they were throwing a New Year's Eve bash. As usual, I was expected to attend and to "behave." Behaving essentially means pretending to me someone that I'm not. Whenever I'm around my parents and their friends, I feel like this apparition, this non-existant woman who they see right through to this fake Barbie Doll concoction they've crafted in their sick minds. So many things went wrong tonight; and the worst part of it is that I didn't respond well. I'm not even sure how to respond to them anymore. The first flare-up of the evening was in regards to my attire... It was a semi-formal kind of party, so I wore this black, strapless dress. It's not low-cut; I leaned over in front of a mirror to make sure nothing was showing. It's a reasonable length; it hit about 4 inches below my knees, I guess. It's a very classic style, and I wore a pale pink sash around the waist of it, and a button-down cashmere sweater over my shoulders in a burgundy. I thought it was modest... But... my parents thought otherwise... Little did I know that strapless dresses are against their religion (they profess to be Christians). So, we started arguing, and they called me a few nasty names. Then, my Mother asks me what kind of bra I'm wearing. Mind you, we're in a room full of my parents' friends here... I got really upset, and ran out of the room to my old bedroom. I still have a quite a few clothes in my closet there, so I slipped out of my dress, and pulled on some jeans, and a top to go under the sweater. That just made things worse though... After we finally finished our shouting match about my clothing, my parents introduced me to young man from their church (the church I grew up in). My Mother gives me this sappy grin and whispers rather loudly in my ear that he is my "date" for the evening. Then, this creep of a guy, who has been staring at my chest while we're being introduced, says that he hopes this date will be the first of many... (After talking to him some later in the evening, I discovered that he's not even saved...) By now, I'm like the center of attention at this party, and my parents' friends are flocking to me to ask about my "boyfriend." And, of course, they ask all the usual nosy, shallow questions also: "Have you gone back to college yet?" No. "What happened to the whole pre-law thing?" I changed my mind. "When are you getting married?" Never! My parents are both glaring at my throughout this lovely Q&A session... probably because I was a bit rude with people. But, seriously... can't even just one person ask about how I'm feeling, or if I'm happy with my life, or how my walk with the Lord is? I get so sick of the meaningless chatter. Things just kept going downhill from there, but I'll stop with the play-by-play, as I'm already rambling way too much here... If this was a one-time thing, it wouldn't be so bad... Or, if it was just my parents' friends, it wouldn't be so bad. But... the problem is that it's my parents, and they're always like this... They treat me like this cheap trinket that they can display and show-off, and then smash against the wall when they're angry. I want them to love ME, not this made-up version of who they want their daughter to be. And, most of all, I want them to see Christ in me. But, everytime I'm around them, the very worst, carnal part of me comes out. As I said earlier, we usually manage to get along, but there is very destructive undercurrant that I just can't deal with anymore. I will never be "perfect" enough for my parents. Nor do I want to be. I want to be ME, and I want them to love that person unconditionally. I'm tired of being their trophy daughter. I've tried talking to them about these things, but they don't listen. They still act as if I'm 5 years old and have nothing worthwhile to say. They won't go to family counseling and really won't even acknowledge that there's a problem. They invade my privacy constantly and cross all kinds of barriers that no parent should be crossing with their 28 year old daughter. And you know what I'm really mad about right now??? They gave my freaky "date" my cell phone number--the private cell phone number that I told them to not give out to anyone. Most of my friends have told me that I should just cut off all contact from my parents. But, I love them, despite everything. I want to have a relationship with them, but just don't know how to make it work. HELP! AN UPDATE: Oh my goodness... Guess who showed up at my door with flowers awhile ago??? The creep from last night... He asked me to dinner tonight, and I explained that I wasn't sure what my parents had told him, but that I really didn't have any interest in dating him. I can't believe my parents gave him my address too... I'm so mad. I called a friend of mine and explained things; she told me I should go ahead and go out with the guy, because it will get my parents off my back for awhile, and also give me some fun and help my lighten up... But, I don't want to. He's not saved. After hanging up with my friend, I called my parents, and told them I was upset about them giving this guy my phone number and address. They apologized profusely, and genuinely seemed to understand my concerns. They want me to come to dinner tonight so we can talk it out. ANOTHER UPDATE: Well... I'm home from dinner and serious chatter with the folks... It did not go well... It started out okay... When they were just listening and letting me talk... It got really bad, but... we sort of came to a compromise on a few things... Part of the compromise, is that I'm going to date the guy they introduced to me last night at the party, the one who's not saved... In fact, after we finished dinner tonight, guess who just happened to pop in for dessert??? This is all so complicated, and I think I just made it worse by trying to have a reasonable conversation with my parents. There are many reasons why they want me to be dating somebody right now. One of them is that some of their friends and people at their church have suggestion that I'm a lesbian (which I'm not) because I don't date. They're worried about their reputation. There are other stupid reasons too, which I don't want to get into here, at least not tonight. I really, really don't want to date this guy, but I didn't feel like I had any other choice. TUESDAY NIGHT UPDATE: Well... I was hoping for some more time to think and pray about the dating thing before having to see Patrick again, but... He called me tonight... I was in my car, just turning into the parking area at my apartment. He told me that my Mom told him I should be home by now, so he's wondering if he can see me. I told him that I was really tired, as I had just gotten home from a long day, and asked if he could wait until this weekend to call again. Then he says: "if you just got home, why are you not answering your door?" And stupid me, who just wasn't thinking at all says: "Because I'm just now pulling in to the lot." By the time I parked, and got stuff out of my trunk, he showed up behind me. I started yelling at him and threatened to call 911 if he didn't get out of my face. But then, he pulls me into this hug and tells me that he knows I'm upset about the situation, and that he understands why, and that he wants to help me. I pulled away and told him that we could talk, but that if he did anything inappropriate at all, I would call 911. So, we went into my apartment and talked over a few things. He seems like an okay guy, I guess, but until I know how involved he is in my parents' scheme, I don't really want to confide in him or trust him. He won't give me his last name, which is weird. He told me he's a gynocologist, and I want to check out his credentials and stuff, but I can't do that w/out a last name... Edited January 3, 2007 by pixy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ladypeartree Posted January 1, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 37 Topic Count: 543 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 33,171 Content Per Day: 5.07 Reputation: 24,095 Days Won: 243 Joined: 06/21/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/23/1953 Share Posted January 1, 2007 sorry heather when I read the topic title I just fell about laughing Maybe that is the way you need to deal with this situation....you responded the way a child would....stomp out and get changed cos mummy and daddy told you not to wear your new party dress and that gave them permission to treat you as a child YOU need to believe that you are an adult and then EXPECT them to treat you as such...it sounds simplistic I know but the body language and the subconsious messages you are giving them is .......yes I am your little girl and I need your approval in everything I do ....... MAKE SURE you are happy with what you are wearing and doing and then if they disaprove just gently tell them that you are sure that their parents also disaproved of lots of things that they did but they are adults as are you and need to find your own way in life. My older sister has the same type of problem with our parents, she complains constantly that they treat her as a child ( and she is in her late 50's ) but whenever she needs to make a decision she goes and talks it all through with them....when she is upset she goes and moans to them....and then she wonders why they are so concerned and keep telling her what to do and try to sort things out for her YOU need to be an adult and then expect to live your own life WITHOUT necessarily getting your parents approval....that will come ( or not ) as they see you mature ...but if you keep seeking their approval they feel they need to organise you into the sort of person they think they want as a daughter ....the barbie perfect type ....... Please do not cut off contact with your parents it would just make them look right ...." see how childish she is ? cant get her own way so she stops talking to us and has a sulk" ......... Parents friends DO ask stupid questions, try being polite but non commital....." well we dont know what is in the future do we " smile sweetly and walk away ........ Do you have a male friend that would be your escort if you have any more of these events ( like weddings etc ) that you cant or dont want to get out of but you know you will be expected to be partnered up with ? If the guy does call you just key in his number so you can always tell if it is him calling and just dont answer....after you have politely told him thanks but no thanks cos it is not his fault that he was put inot this situation ....he will soon get the message Ok mummy advice over ...will be praying for you and am here any time you need to vent Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
minnow Posted January 1, 2007 Group: Junior Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 19 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 80 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/16/2006 Status: Offline Share Posted January 1, 2007 After we finally finished our shouting match about my clothing, my parents introduced me to young man from their church (the church I grew up in). My Mother gives me this sappy grin and whispers rather loudly in my ear that he is my "date" for the evening. Then, this creep of a guy, who has been staring at my chest while we're being introduced, says that he hopes this date will be the first of many... (After talking to him some later in the evening, I discovered that he's not even saved...) Aside from the possible hints that your parents think it is time for you to either get married or start to show some independence, you mention that your parents are Christian, and I would assume that you are able to talk Scripture with them. To approach this is a non-confrontational manner, perhaps you could have a quiet discussion with them, seeking their views/advice on dating and whether they think you should be dating inside or outside the faith, and ask them to show you which Scriptures they would use to support this view. This would determine your next step. If they support the concept of dating/marrying only within the faith, you could ask them whether they would be pleased if you were to date someone outside the faith. If they are unhappy with this thought, then you could mention that you feel the same, and that you were so concerned that your "date" was unsaved that you thought you should discuss the matter with them before considering what to do next. Only a suggestion. Sorry I can't help repair the embarassment you've gone through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat8585 Posted January 1, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 1,360 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 7,866 Content Per Day: 1.23 Reputation: 26 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/22/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/18/1946 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Do you have your own place? If not that would be a good place to start. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marnie Posted January 1, 2007 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 811 Topics Per Day: 0.12 Content Count: 7,338 Content Per Day: 1.08 Reputation: 76 Days Won: 2 Joined: 10/06/2005 Status: Offline Share Posted January 1, 2007 Pixy, Two things: (1) At your age, 28, it would be best if you were out on your own, single or otherwise. If you are staying under your parents roof, it sends a signal that you are incapable of supporting yourself, and therefore--rightly or wrongly--it opens the doors of criticism and inspection for your parents. This is a battle you fight when you are 16, not 28. (2) If you must stay at home for whatever reason, then you must acquiesce to their rules or wishes. If you dont want to do this, then I suggest a trade-off: offer to pay them rent in exchange for a little freedom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnotherTraveler Posted January 1, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 80 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,595 Content Per Day: 0.22 Reputation: 10 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/12/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted January 1, 2007 Hmmm Sometimes the things that you really mean to say are so hard to say face to face but can be put in written form like your post here. Consider that your post refelects how you genuinely feel about all this, including your desire to have a loving relationship, and it also honestly addresses the frustration that you feel in not being able to have your wishes honored. The cell phone bit is really over the top, and I understand why you feel this way, but do they? You might want to take a copy of your initial post, do a little rewording that makes it a letter to mom and dad, and mail or hand it to them. I would leave in the "worts and all" parts like how you respond poorly in this frustrating situation and add an appeal to them to try to understand how you feel about all this. I would soak it in prayer (a lot not a little prayer) and ask God for the right words and even if this is the right way (just a suggestion), and remember that love overcomes all kinds of sin. I will be praying for you. Probably so will others here. Don't get discouraged, God is also aware of all of this, and He can fix anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 It was her "old" room! She is on her own! If you lived in Fresno, CA, I'd suggest you move to Bangor, Maine If you have any smarts, change your cell number! Do not give it out to anyone who will give it out to strangers! Joint the US Marines and show up at family functions in full field gear! Really, you need to stay away from parties full of strange people you do do not enjoy! Parents sometimes have not sense of the danger they put their kids into! I would invite my folks to meet at a restaurant from time to time and stay away from "their" parties! Real advice pray, pray and pray! Take the biggest, ugliest male buddy you know with you every time you visit your old home. Take a few girl friends with you. Bring your own gang and enjoy! Always stay home on New Years Eve and chat at Worthy! They had a great time last night and I'm so old I don't even remember what a great time was! Except, the time spent with Jesus, my wife and with my Christian family here and there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Adarian Posted January 1, 2007 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 4 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 526 Content Per Day: 0.07 Reputation: 5 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/23/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/03/1961 Share Posted January 1, 2007 I left home at 17 because my lunatic (not kidding here) parents couldn't find the genesis of a decent thought towards me. The day I left is the very last day they had anything to say about my life or how I lived it. Period. I refused to speak to or even see them for six months. After that they were a bit more civil. They knew I didn't need them anymore, and I could live without seeing them. You are 28. It is time to disengage. Lead your life. If they intrude into your private affairs, let them know kindly that you are an adult responsible for your own life. If they still treat you like some sort of pet or bimbo, cut em off for a while and pray for them. Prayer avails much. Ask the Lord to show you how to relate to them as He would have it. Some good responses here. FresnoJoe=====>>> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jessi7811 Posted January 1, 2007 Group: Members Followers: 1 Topic Count: 8 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 37 Content Per Day: 0.01 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/17/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/28/1988 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Hey, Pixy its me! U know a wee bit about me and my parents but anyways. I moved put a couple of months ago cause they didn't wanted me goin to churh etc so I moved it wif my sis which was good but the fights we had were worst than the ones at home instead of arguein she would just wack me one. But anyway I moved bk home and the relationship wif my mother has been alot better. I stop speakin to Mum for 4 months (The hardest 4 months of my life) I missed her and I didn't want anything to do wif her at all. But I pray and pray and pray that one day Mum and I would b reuntied and God did let this happen I figured out that mayb I was meant to show them the light of our saviour! And till this day Mum has addmitted that there is a God but no-more. Sorry I keep gettin off wat I am tryin to say! But wifout speakin to my Mum for this period of time she missed out on alot in my life and I missed alot in her life. Even know it was only 4 months I had changed I was competely commited to God but I wish my Mum seen it and because of stubborness in both parts. I missed the greatess thing and that was showin Mum my delvolpment in Christ! I totally reget this. I would advice u to keep in contact wif ur Mum and Dad! Avoid stupid partied and say I don;t wanna cum they can command u to come ur 28. I just turned 18 and Mum can't tell me wat to were I am ME continue to b urself mayb if ur parents seen the true u they would try to change u. I will pray for u! God Bless Jessica xoxox Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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