Teaching godliness

[pokemaughan]

Can anyone lend me advice on teaching how to be more godly?

In this particular case, I try to teach my girlfriend. She disrespects me or presents a nasty attitude, and I try to rebuke her. Then I get slammed with excuses ('Can't do it' 'You did this or that' 'I'm only a teenager' 'I'm only human', etc) and the irritated tone/attitude.

I understand that a person will only learn if they want to... and I try to be patient... but man, this is tough.

Anyone have any advice on how to approach teaching godliness/rebuking?

[Hunterpoet]

Teach by example

[Iryssa]

Teach by example

*nods* That's just what I was going to say.

If she's coming back at you with the "you do this or that" remark, maybe your response should be, "you're right...I'm sorry, I'll try to do better." (and then follow through!) If she sees that you're willing to humble yourself enough to listen to her rebukes, she will probably be more willing to listen to yours.

Remember that she is not your wife or your child or your pupil, she is your girlfriend. You need to tread lightly. Before giving her a rebuke, ALWAYS ask yourself what your motivation is, and whether you could teach her the same thing in a different, more gentle way. It's hard to be patient, I know (my husband and I still have our moments where we lose patience...thankfully they're short-lived and end with apologies and kisses), but it's VERY important that you start practicing this kind of patience NOW, before you're married, because there's more of a need for it once you're living together.

Also, here's something to keep in mind about women:

We tend to be pretty insecure about our relationships. While you may feel pretty confident that you two are in it for the long haul, it's very likely she worries that the next occasion that brings rebuke from you could be the last straw that breaks the camel's back and you'll leave her. Speaking from my own experience, this can make a woman feel off-balance, defensive, and easily hurt. That's why EVERYTHING you say (though I maintain that you don't always need to say anything at all!) in this kind of situation needs to be very gentle and loving and non-accusatory. That may sound ineffective, but actually, it may be MORE effective, because it won't get her back up and make her defensive and resistant.

[Trusting Jesus]

I agree -- lead by example. I will say, though, that even though she is a girlfriend you need to have your eyes wide open if this boyfriend/girlfriend relationship might grow into thoughts of marriage. If she is excusing her actions instead of trying to grow into a right way of behaving as a Christian wife, then be cautious. But on the other hand, be sure that you are growing into the right way of behaving as a Christian husband. I know that you are not married now, but now is when you should be looking at what God expects of husbands and wives.

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Nathele

[Wayfarer122]

Can anyone lend me advice on teaching how to be more godly?

In this particular case, I try to teach my girlfriend. She disrespects me or presents a nasty attitude, and I try to rebuke her. Then I get slammed with excuses ('Can't do it' 'You did this or that' 'I'm only a teenager' 'I'm only human', etc) and the irritated tone/attitude.

I understand that a person will only learn if they want to... and I try to be patient... but man, this is tough.

Anyone have any advice on how to approach teaching godliness/rebuking?

I agree with the other posters. Lead by example is essential. Prayer is equally important.

There is something else to consider:

I would seriously question your who's who in this relationship. Are you planning on marrying this girl? If so, you need to find an experienced, married Christian couple that can help you both evaluate the direction you're heading in.

[yesult]

Treat her with the same respect that you want to be treated with. You arn't her master, nor are you her teacher or her owner. She's your equal, and if you can't accept that then you need to bring your whole heart attitude to God, because he's going to be judging you on it.

Two become one, means that - not a superior human being, gains an inferiour human being to assist them and accompany them through life.

[Guest]

[stormy612]

I'll echo what everyone has already said, and add my own.

Talk with her first about why she does or says what she says. Don't judge her motives. In her mind, she may truly believe that what she does or says is right or justified. Find out why first, then go to God's word to either justify it or not. At the same time, she may know that what she is doing or saying or thinking or feeling is wrong or unjustified (based on God's word or her own conscious) but, because of previous judgements from others or even just hearing others 'high blown' attitudes about this or that, she may feel too insecure and thus defensive about admitting it. We all want to 'appear' righteous and we've all 'pretended' to believe or do something that we really don't jbelieve in just for appearances sake. Think of the people in the bible who were afraid to stand with Jesus for fear of being kicked out of the church. In digging a little deeper, you may discover that her heart is in the right place, but her actions are not. Provide her a very safe place in which to be really real, and let God convict her heart.

[LadyRaven]

You cannot teach those who do not wish to be taught. Ever take a real close look in a high school classroom? yeah, some of those kids are there to learn, many are not. And it shows.

You can have a godly attitude and walk and show her how it is done.

You can study together, if she wishes to study. But, I do warn against legalism here often and this is a good place to do it again. Not every study material that claims to teach godliness actually does so. Some of it is legalism pure and simple. Try to study that with her and she will baulk and she would be right. Which would put a big crimp in your efforts.

And, since you are not yet her husband and she already responds like this to you, you might want to rethink the bf/gf arrangement. It may be that you are appearing to be too bossy or harsh. And it also might be that she is not mature. But my gut tells me that it's both; which would indicate that you two should not be dating. You do not date when you are not ready to marry and these are not the traits of people who are marriage material. It would be best that you two were friends. And, if you are not being too bossy, and now you are friends, would put your words in a different light to her. They are not as threatening, as she would not see them as "I wont love you if you dont stop doing this or that'

If you do not wish to stop dating (I would do a serious study on how you find a mate quick fast and in a hurry if I were a young man nowadays - the world's system is fatally flawed and often leads to flawed marriages), and you wish to correct her...

1. Remember that women, according to scripture, are the 'weaker vessel'. This does not mean she is less valuable. It means that emotionally she should be treated like fine china. You might take a scrubber to a cast iron skillet, but if something is stuck to china, you soak it before washing gently. When approaching people I know well and I know are sensitive with an issue, it is really affective to ask questions rather than make statements. Or make statements followed by a question. Like "I dont believe that is a good idea, what do you think?" "Why do you believe that?" "How do you interpret this verse?" The so called Socratic method works very well because the person ends up making the decision themselves and does not feel pressured.

2. Remember also that we are to speak the truth in love. You are not speaking it to get your way, you are not doing it so that she stops being a threat to your walk, you are not doing it to fill a role, you are doing it for her best interests.

3. You have to be on the same page spiritually. You have to be plugged in to what her spiritual goals are and know what is best to work on spiritually. What she really needs might not be what you are trying to teach her.

See, for years I have had a rotten temper - since birth really, but it got uncontrollable in my teenage years. When I first got saved and I got mad, you could practically smell the sulphur as I spoke. I verbally hacked people to pieces, I followed them around to do this as they tried to get away to avoid doing something rash in response to me. I was violent against inanimate objects. And, if I didn't get my way, it was a betrayal of the highest order. And I may appear to calm down, but trust me, the worse was yet to come as I was also vengeful and passive aggressive. I really understood the statement that revenge is a dish that's best served cold.

But, that is not what God worked on first. Instinctively I knew that I could not and should not work on that 'right now' no matter who told me I should. In fact I never did a study on keeping your temper, never tried to practice anything. Instead, God worked on other things. Good theology. Patience. How to rejoice in tragedy. How to see that all things work for good for those who love the Lord. As I learned these things, things started happening to my temper.

I honestly cant put my finger on a date when I decided that clearing out the kitchen cabinets onto the floor was a bad idea, but I dont do that now. I might slam a door on the way out of the house so I can walk off my temper, but in the grand scheme of where I was, it's so much better. I also cant put my finger on when I learned to just not speak as soon as I got mad, to wait until I knew what actually had me peeved and how to say it without causing nuclear fallout. But I did. It wasn't until very recently that I decided to do anything about my temper, but most of the work, the hardest stuff, was already done.

Every single Christian friend and every single Christian BF I had seemed to think that you started at what seemed to be the thing that was the most wrong with me, the temper. But that was not what was best for me. what was best was that I learned how God thought (good theology) and wanted. It was best I learned to wait for things to happen and accept people for their flaws (Patience). It was best that I learned that tragedy was not to be despised, but embraced, and if I had actually embraced it, I had no cause or need to rail against it (Contentment).

It was best that I learned that the things I could not control and the things I did not like actually might have a good reason and so, I should wait before popping off and see what happens. My temper was caused by other issues. Control issues, security issues, things like that. Once those things lined up, much of what was wrong went away. And I learned to control myself during other spiritual lessons and have applied that to what is left of my temper. Learning to walk away was one of the godliest things I learned to do.

Now I dont know what issues your gf has to work on and so I am not going to say that for sure you are addressing the wrong things in her character and spiritual life, but...keep open to the idea that what looks best for her and is best for you might not be the best for her in the long run.

4. She has to respect your word. If she does not see herself under your spiritual authority because you are not married, or because she does not see you as worthy of that respect, then she will resent anything that you tell her in authority. That's just human nature. Most people will smile and say thanks when a policeman reminds them that it's not safe to jaywalk but get really annoyed when their friend grabs their arm and tells them the same thing.

5. Knock, dont kick down the door. We all have what I call dominion sensors. When someone steps into an area that *I* have earthly dominion over and points out that something is wrong, I see it as an invasion, not as helping. When they knock first and wait to be invited, I see it differently. These areas that I have earthly dominion over might be physical (like my home) or emotional (like my temper) or spiritual (like my worship practice). Some people have less of a problem as they run their dominion with a fairly open door policy. Others, like myself, are very private. If you wait for her to ask for help with something, or ask to help with something before just offering your opinion, she probably will pay greater attention to what you say.

6. Know when it's important enough to violate what I just said. If she is wearing a shirt that you do not believe she should wear that is one thing, not worth world war three, but if she tells you she wants to do drugs, open a brothel or become a Satanist, you have the right to say something. Accept it if she rejects what you say, but sometimes you have to speak and do so clearly. The trick is learning to discern the difference.

[stormy612]

Ah LadyRaven, words cannot express how much your words mean to me in my walk with Jesus. Thank you. This is why I need all my brothers and sisters in Christ.