stormy612 Posted October 29, 2008 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 21 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 191 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 13 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/22/2008 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/15/1971 Share Posted October 29, 2008 My daughter is 12 years old, and her dad went to prison when she was 5 (almost 6) for molesting her. Being tender to her love for him, I have intentionally kept from her the reality of both prison and what I've heard they do to men who molest children. Even I find it hard to believe. It just hurts too much. So, can someone who is involved in prison ministry give me some advice about how to help her deal with this? I'm at a loss and I'm afraid she's going to start hearing things. I'd like to be honest with her and comforting at the same time, AND give her God's word about justice...oh! this is so hard to explain! I could also use some 'inside' info on what REALLY goes on in prison concerning this issue. Any help will be deeply appreciated! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy612 Posted October 29, 2008 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 21 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 191 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 13 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/22/2008 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/15/1971 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 I'd also be more than willing to PM about this due the sensitive nature of this subject. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 does she remember what her dad did to her? my opinion may not be what you want to hear, but i don't think you should sugarcoat it. i mean, you don't have to go into graphic detail, but i think she needs to understand WHY he is in there, and how horrible his actions were, and she needs to understand that you support the consequences that the justice system has imposed on him for those actions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy612 Posted October 29, 2008 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 21 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 191 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 13 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/22/2008 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/15/1971 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 does she remember what her dad did to her? my opinion may not be what you want to hear, but i don't think you should sugarcoat it. i mean, you don't have to go into graphic detail, but i think she needs to understand WHY he is in there, and how horrible his actions were, and she needs to understand that you support the consequences that the justice system has imposed on him for those actions. She remembers. And I don't want to sugarcoat anything with her. She understands that he was sent to prison because he broke the law. And she agrees with that part of it. I've just kept from her the knowledge of what goes on after he's in prison. But now that she's 12 and in middle school, I'm concerned that she may over hear things that are exaggerated or completely untrue because most (if not all) of what she'll hear will come from other kids her age (and who knows where they get their info). I'd just like to be prepared to offer her the truth of what may be happening to him in prison. If what I've heard is true, it will be a bitter pill for her to swallow and I'd just like to make it as 'easy' or as comfortable as I can for her. It's hard enough for me to swallow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat8585 Posted October 29, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 1,360 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 7,866 Content Per Day: 1.23 Reputation: 26 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/22/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/18/1946 Share Posted October 29, 2008 How does she feel about him? Is she angry? Does she forgive him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stormy612 Posted October 29, 2008 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 21 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 191 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 13 Days Won: 0 Joined: 09/22/2008 Status: Offline Birthday: 02/15/1971 Author Share Posted October 29, 2008 I'm not entirely sure, she doesn't like talking about her feelings. I think she is confused. Part of her still loves him because he made her happy at one time and she still remembers that. I know she longs for that father/daughter relationship still. But she's very angry with him because of what he did. And that's mixed up with wondering if he ever loved her, and if he did, how could he do that to her? I've been teaching her that God's love is a gift that we receive from Him, its one we possess, and one that we can give to others because no one can take that power of giving God's -love from us no matter what they do to us. I want her to understand that this gift of love that we receive when we receive Jesus has the power to heal her hurt and will help her forgive him, which, if he ever asks for her forgiveness, she'll be able to give it to him, which will heal some of his hurt. It's been an ordeal for the both of us in many ways. She isn't entirely healed from it (right now she seems to want to stuff it and make it go away), and the reality of prison will just make it worse. She was so torn up about him having to go to jail in the first place that she began to deny he did this thinking they wouldn't take him away (this is when it first happened). Now she is glad she is safe from him, but I know it'll crush her to discover that being behind bars isn't the worst of what's happened to him since. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest LadyC Posted October 29, 2008 Share Posted October 29, 2008 . But she's very angry with him because of what he did. And that's mixed up with wondering if he ever loved her, and if he did, how could he do that to her? you're on the right track by teaching her about the kind of love Jesus is able to give, and we can receive... you're probably already doing this, but this comment prompts me to suggest it just in case it hasn't occurred to you. help her to understand that the kind of love he had for her wasn't REAL love... not because he didn't want to give it, but because he didn't have it to give. he didn't have Jesus.... so the only kind of love he was capable of giving was horribly flawed... and unfortunately, was expressed in one of the most terrible ways that a person can express it. encourage her to pray that he will learn the kind of love that Jesus gives. and it might be wise to also give her affirmation that forgiving him doesn't mean that she has to ever have a personal relationship with him again. sometimes we are afraid to forgive people because we think it means we have to pretend bad things never happened. forgiveness is not something we do for the other person's benefit, it's something that we are supposed to do for our own benefit, because it draws us closer, not to the perpetrator, but to the Lord. focus on those things, and don't try to explain too much about what may or may not happen in prison, even if she asks. you can honestly tell her you don't know how accurate the stories of what happens to child molestors in prison are, and circle the conversation back to Christ's healing love. just curious... are you still married to her dad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller Posted October 29, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 827 Topics Per Day: 0.10 Content Count: 12,101 Content Per Day: 1.50 Reputation: 249 Days Won: 3 Joined: 04/01/2002 Status: Offline Share Posted October 29, 2008 I'd also be more than willing to PM about this due the sensitive nature of this subject. I agree with this. This is perhaps best handled privately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebekahDavid Posted October 29, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 320 Topics Per Day: 0.05 Content Count: 3,166 Content Per Day: 0.45 Reputation: 23 Days Won: 0 Joined: 12/31/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted October 29, 2008 "you're on the right track by teaching her about the kind of love Jesus is able to give, and we can receive... you're probably already doing this, but this comment prompts me to suggest it just in case it hasn't occurred to you. help her to understand that the kind of love he had for her wasn't REAL love... not because he didn't want to give it, but because he didn't have it to give. he didn't have Jesus.... so the only kind of love he was capable of giving was horribly flawed... and unfortunately, was expressed in one of the most terrible ways that a person can express it. encourage her to pray that he will learn the kind of love that Jesus gives. and it might be wise to also give her affirmation that forgiving him doesn't mean that she has to ever have a personal relationship with him again. sometimes we are afraid to forgive people because we think it means we have to pretend bad things never happened. forgiveness is not something we do for the other person's benefit, it's something that we are supposed to do for our own benefit, because it draws us closer, not to the perpetrator, but to the Lord. focus on those things, and don't try to explain too much about what may or may not happen in prison, even if she asks. you can honestly tell her you don't know how accurate the stories of what happens to child molestors in prison are, and circle the conversation back to Christ's healing love." Lady C gave you excellent advice in the above post your daughter needs to heal and not focus too much on what is happening to her father at this time or you may add to her guilt. love your sister in Christ, Rebekah David Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yesult Posted October 31, 2008 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 3 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 326 Content Per Day: 0.06 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/12/2008 Status: Offline Share Posted October 31, 2008 Lies enslave and the truth sets free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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