Lilybloom

Heathenry was my longest faith; in an extension, eclectic witchcraft might be longer, as it was through personal practice that I found myself drawn to Hel. But still, my past is fairly messy as far as faith goes; just wasn't ever really a Christian. I've always kind of trusted my instincts; if I felt something, I reasoned it had to be fate or whatever else trying to message me. It came to be that the desire to read the Bible came up sometime before that day. I wasn't sure why, but I assumed it was yet another "thread of fate" I was due to follow. I spent time reading the Bible for about a month. It was then that I got the urge to find a place to try and offer a prayer to Jesus. I went on a walk and found a quiet place by the local creek. It was there that I prayed, asking that if this is my path, that I be allowed to know. With some time, a sense of ease and comfort came over me. I don't really know how to explain it; it's like I just felt lighter and I could actually see around me, my head felt clearer. I took up worshipping Jesus then, but not Christianity; I figured he might be another patron, one god among the others. But my worship of Hel didn't bring the same feelings that it used to. I'd tend to my altar and my offerings, but it just... Didn't really feel like she was there anymore. And having read so many passages talking about idolatry and paganism, I decided that perhaps it just wasn't for me anymore. I threw away my altar, my focuses, all that. And i've just been sticking to Jesus since, trying to pick up what's been handed to me. The figure was of Santa Muerte, but i'd just become so shocked when I thought it might have been a depiction of Hel. It... Wasn't really reasonable.

For those that don't know, until 6 months ago when I converted, I was a practicing Heathen. That's a Pagan who worships the Nordic pantheon. I had once pledged myself in service to the Goddess Hel. I was doing my job today, where I unpack and sort products for a decoration store. I get a lot of the glassware and holiday items in my line. I opened a box and when I removed the rather tall figure from it and removed the plastic wrap, I was shocked to see a woman with half of her face being a skull. Hel is often described as having one half of her being undead. I know that realistically, it was more meant to be Santa Muerte; a decoration aimed at the Day of the Dead vs Halloween. We get a lot of those types of decor, mostly skulls. But it really caught me off guard and seemed like a message of some sort. For a good part of the day, I just had "Hel" set nearby and it made me feel uneasy. It feels like a sign but i'm not sure how to interpret it. Is it Hel coming back to show herself to me? Or is it God trying to test me somehow? I don't know. I don't know how to interpret it and i've been pacing nervously ever since I got home.

That's... That's a phone. Or portable radios and TVs have existed for quite a while now, as well. I don't mean to rain on the parade, i'm just, you know. Pointing that out? 😅

L Ron Hubbard was a science fiction writer. I have one of his books - I'm biased because i'm almost exclusively a nonfiction reader, but i've read science fiction and it seemed rather typical to me. While much of his interest in creating a religion was based on making money (he had a history of being underhanded), there's a large part of it that relied on a really old pushback against psychology. That's where Dianetics came in. He kind of used it as a general framework and presented it as a legitimate "science" that worked better than psychology. Such that, upon reaching the highest level, you could have basically what amounts to superpowers. The story is very... Hubbard, shall we say. Lord Xenu killing an alien race but then he imprisons their spirits within a fake, imagined reality on some backwater, irrelevant planet. And so the more you realize this (the more you spend), the higher your "thetin" count, the closer you become to being your true alien self and can remember your abilities and the "real" reality. I'm not an expert, i'm just saying generally what I remember. They have like a weird little private army, very much not open to the outside world, try to be exclusive. Present activities? I don't think they're really expanding their influence too well anymore. Their numbers have fallen off drastically and I doubt they'll ever really recover much. Thanks to South Park (and Chef's questionable departure), Leah Remini, and the testimony of several former members, many people are aware of how much of a scam and waste of time Scientology is. They're mostly focused on trying to consolidate what little power remains, i'd imagine; try to ride out the scam on those still under it's umbrella until it does eventually die out.

That can mean reduced or restricted. I've never used Amtrak before so i'm not sure I know what you mean. Though it doesn't seem train is especially popular as a transport method, which kinda stinks; they're pretty chill. It's just like an airport, they're just ground planes.

I've never been there, but I have travelled before. I've been to NYC and figured similar; you hear only negative things as far as the crime goes. So I can try to give some advice. First, do some online research. There are a number of articles about places to see or visit. Second, you're mostly going to tourist areas or these places have a lot of tourists in general. Everyone in NYC was very rushed and seemed rude at a distance, but then when you go up asking about the subway system, they become friendly cause they know you're not familiar. You're not gonna be the only visitor and there should be tourist information present. I did a cursory look to see if it was similar to my NYC experience... Let me tell you, if Amtrak or public transport is your move, use Google Maps to set a route for you. So on Google Maps you'll type in something like "Amtrak DC to Philly". The quickest route right now seems to be 1hr 38min, no tolls. Washington Union station, not Amtrak looks like. It'll show the train name "2122 New York, Acela". Then it will specify how many stops are expected, which is 3; hitting the details button shows you their specific names. And where the stop exits out at, 30th street. I used Google Maps in NYC for both the subways and the train, and it made everything infinitely easier. And if it all does come to be too stressful, you can try simplifying the trip or even consider hiring a travel agent to take care of the details for you.

I'm going to make an unorthodox suggestion: Get mad. I know that feels unseemly, but hear me out. Consider Job. What is it exactly that got God to speak up and show himself? Job got angry. His friends gathered around and all offered suggestions as to why things are how they are for him; maybe you or one of your sons sinned, or maybe you haven't forgiven someone, or whatever else. But then Job knew that he had done nothing wrong, nothing to warrant his situation. When we're born into this world, we're born into ignorance. When we die, we are also born into yet more ignorance; we know nothing conclusively about Heaven nor Hell. I feel that this is what someone who comes into the faith can experience; being born into ignorance. I wasn't born Christian either, I converted around 7 months ago now. I think i'm probably still in my kid stage, in that sense. You? You might be in a teenage phase. You know teenagers too, they act up and are trying to understand what they think they already do. Is not anger also a form of focus? I'm not saying to spit on God's name and snort 100kilos of cocaine, rob the gas station and whoops, "accidentally" shoot one of the customers there. But that it's okay to feel the way that you feel; whatever you're feeling right now is a growing process and you'll likely learn from it. I'm sorry that you have to feel it right now, and i'm also sorry that I don't have any advice better than this. I know only that God loves you. Did you ever get mad at your earthly father? If he is a loving and good man, he likely took it in stride and consoled you. God is not some weak, fragile glass baby. I'm certain that he does and will understand.

There are no contraceptives that 100% prevent pregnancy. Even getting tubes tied or a vasectomy, there's a chance the one performing the operation doesn't do it well enough.

This is likely to be an unpopular opinion of mine in these circles... Partially because I wasn't always a Christian, so I struggle to understand the standpoint; but also because I have personal experience here. So here goes... No. Abortion should not be banned. It should be something accessible to anyone at any time. Now, for restrictions... How can such things even be proven? A woman claims that she's pregnant with her rapist's baby. So because this is the law now... How does she prove that in court? Women already struggle with saying they have been raped, and struggle even more to get those vile people behind bars in a court of law. And now if she gets pregnant, she has even more of a mountain to climb? Say her life is in danger, she's likely to die if they carry to term. Does she have to stand before a jury showing everyone her ultrasounds, pay a lawyer to argue on her behalf, in this economy? Is she still pregnant during this so the gestation continues, or do they have to terminate it ASAP and then argue after the fact that it was justified? It's far too complicated. Now for open access. If it is a sin, then that sin is on their own hands. Are we going to pass Levitical laws, banning tattoo parlors from existing or dictating that bacon shall never be ate? So many Christians want to institute their laws, thinking it will just make everyone into Christians; it won't. Even if compelled by law to say Lord Lord with their mouth, their heart won't say it. Church and state are not married and neither should they be. I see this trend of pushing for a religious government when boom, good job, you're basically paving the way for the antichrist to say "join me or be punished". Most women, and I mean most women, aren't seeking abortion unless it's entirely necessary. Most women aren't going in there without feeling bad, or struggling with it in some way; especially when you have protesters outside shouting hellfire at them. It's not an easy thing, you don't just do it. You consider things first, they've got their reasoning behind it. And you've got all this rhetoric that an abortion is done every single minute every day in a lone single clinic. Like there's some jacked up wicked doctor with a vacuum cleaner just rapid-fire suctioning women; he doesn't sleep or eat or live a life as a normal human being apparently. My experience? My mom wanted to abort me but was persuaded against it by her parents. I am a rape baby. I've watched anti-abortion documentaries where some lady is like, "I'm that baby. If my mom aborted me, I wouldn't exist"... And that's why it should be a choice! Your mother was strong enough to see past all that and love you for who you are, that's a wonderful thing and i'd never deny a woman's right to bear a child even if the father is a rapist - Because that's her decision. My mother? Couldn't get over that. She abandoned the family while I was still in diapers. Even reinitiating contact, we could never connect emotionally. She could very rarely ever look me in the eyes, she preferred looking at my feet. My presence made her uncomfortable. And I was instead raised by my (not biological) abusive father. Looking back, I personally wouldn't object to having been terminated. If we're really all just souls waiting in the rafters for a chance at life, then I gladly would wait for a loving family and a more normal life. One where my mom is present, my dad doesn't throw me down the stairs, and I don't have to consult a genetic specialist if I want my worries assuaged if I ever want to have kids. You're sparing children a potentially awful life by taking away the mother's choice. Because if she doesn't already love the idea of having a baby, she is not going to love that baby. And adoption. We already have an excessive surplus of children in foster care. So not only will pregnancy become much more commonplace, but wards of the state will start to outweigh our capability to properly care for them. Maybe I would've been happier in a home and potentially adopted by wonderful people, but statistically speaking, it's highly unlikely. All this is why I do not oppose abortion. It's not gonna win me many friends here, but truth matters more than that.

@warrior12 I've ate them before. Regular ones as well as a hissing one. Not bad. If I ever had to eat hissing again though, i'd pluck off the legs first; they're a little too crunchy. I'll try literally anything once, i've never been picky. And those aren't the only bugs i've tried either 👍

@farouk I get your points. My discomfort with it is more because of the tattoo that I already have. I'm not certain if I regret it because it does still represent my past. However, it doesn't really represent me currently. Maybe if I come across a line of scripture or something symbolic that just really stands out to me for a certain period of time, I might get another. But as it stands, i'm disinclined to get any more.

It's not just Islam; the unfortunate thing with those countries is that they allow such injustice legally. Rather people who have those thoughts and intentions exist under every umbrella; are you aware of how much of a presence child marriage advocates exist within Christianity? Alongside all the countries who struggle economically, where these sickos fly there to participate in underage sex workers. If that's one good thing Bush did, he organized some efforts to catch those people. So many sickos with their own "justifications" from whatever group they're trying to hide within. No group should be entirely defined by such a thing. That's a mistake that's been made already; it's still somewhat present, but it used to be the de-facto assumption that someone who's gay also likes kids. All these people saying "protect the kids, protect the kids" and it just backfired. Rather it's that predators are a blight, they infect pretty much every facet. And the only true way we'll smoke out the fox holes is if we acknowledge them for who and how they are, not by what labels and identities they try to put forward. It gives me solace, at the least, that the majority looks upon these things with disdain. They'll continue advocating for legality, but it's gonna be one hell of an uphill battle for those freaks.

God helps those who help themselves. Why would taking pills make you feel weak? They're the equipment given to you to fight. You can certainly try going into battle unarmored and unarmed, but you'll fare far better with such things. Do what you can, seeking support if it's needed; it's easy to worry, but remember that the Lord cares for you and your wellbeing. I'll be wishing you the best, sister.

I'll usually watch a sermon online before ever trying to attend a church, especially since i'm still looking for a church i'd want to mainstay at? Or perhaps i'm supposed to wander from steeple to steeple as it were. A large part of it is... I must admit, I don't like church greeters. I'd much rather just sit down and set about listening than having one or more people trying to engage me with any kind of sales pitch. Very "used car salesman" thing. I usually just give them a blank stare before I ignore them. But watching sermons online first helps me get a feel for how the place is. Both what they're preaching and the more subtle things. I know I laughed when I attended a live online sermon and the preacher turned to the camera going "I know you're watching from home; you're more than welcome to join us in real life here". Yeah, I can see the little number indicator showing the 1 person watching is me too, good job.

There has been good insight thus far - I agree with ladypeartree. Seeking therapy and resources is good even outside of bad circumstances. I'm going to touch on his use of the "narcissist" videos. Those are extremely common and trendy in the "youtube psychology" spheres. Sometimes it does carry points on recognizing narcissistic behavior... But most of the time, they say ridiculous things that any honest psychologist would be ashamed of. Such as "If your partner shows any of these traits, dump them immediately". It's like the news, they get more views by being sensationalist. What many people forget is that narcissists are people too and aren't incapable of change. And there's been a serious uptick in things ending between romantic partners and family due to these videos. Like say Gary is a father; all around, he's actually a pretty good father. But when he gets invited over to his son's Thanksgiving feast, he interjects on his son cutting the turkey saying "I just don't know if you'll get it right, you're new to this". This one occasion, outside of everything else about Gary, this one thing? A lot of these people would denounce and tell Gary's son that he needs to cut off contact due to Gary showing what could be perceived as narcissistic behavior *one time*. Rather, i'd say that your husbands behavior - while i'll hesitate to say narcissistic because I lack the credentials to diagnose - Is quite worrisome and is setting off flags for me. In my experience, i'd assume he's testing you to see what he can get away with and will only escalate from there. As per finding a place to get away - There are resources like safe housing. If you'd rather not take up those resources, flying isn't actually all that bad (especially if you book months in advance). That's if your family would be willing to house you for the time being. I'm sure there is the chance you could meet someone willing to take you in, but honestly? Most people aren't going to do that quickly, and whoever would, you probably don't want to move in with. I'm not sure what else to suggest beyond yeah, researching what resources are available to you in your area.