Will you hold me again?

[Believer1997]

Mother's Day is coming up, and I'm breaking into pieces... A kaleidoscope of feelings is running through me. I feel like hidding, but that not what you taught me do do...

It's been 9 years already since you've gone away...but it still feels like yesterday...

Do you know i still blame myself that you've died? Though everyone told me not to...

You taught me how to love & live life, but all i want to do is go to you...

You said on the day you died, to pray for releasement and that everything will be OK, I need to hold onto DADDY, cuz HE will carry me all the way...

DADDY have been carrying me, HE even blesed me with an adoptive mom, (she is so wonderful, kind, generous, a lot like you), But i'm so afraid, to loose her...

Will I be able to survive such a loss again?

I'm hurting here & I don't know what to do...Can I take my heart out and not feel again?

How do I go back in being numb again? If you could, would you be able to come back once again, just once, you need not stay.

I miss you so much....I never had the change to say goodbye....

I hope that one day I can be a mother like you, when DADDY blessed me with children, cuz what you've done for me words cannot express or do justice...

I used to give you flowers every week, and told you I appreciate you, Now I found myself calling your number still, just to find your not answerring.

9 years and still I'm thinking you're just a phone call away....

I hold within me the life spirit you possessed & remembered the legacy of love, laughter, strength, determination, jokes, stubbornness, helping hand, kindness, joy & most of all the Love for DADDY.

I went to bed last night at 4am again, crying & longing for your arms to hold me tight and sing me songs, and chasing all the nightmares away....

Oh,DADDY will this hurting ever stop? Will you just hold me again, like you always do?

lv

lomi

Lomi,

I read your post here and so many things flooded back to me about my Mamma, too. My Mamma stubbornly held on to me and loved me when I was so very unloveable and difficult. She was always my biggest supporter, but I saw her often as one who was my biggest critic. When I had children and became a little "wiser" I realized that she loved me as no one else had and was indeed, my best friend and champion. For years I would come in from work sometimes and grab the phone and start to "call" her... only to have that knife of pain slice into my heart once again. I think of her every day and sometimes I find myself hearing her words come back to me. My daughter, who adored Nannie, named her precious little girl after my mother. It made me so very proud. I thought it would be hard for me to say Mamma's Christian name each day - but it's been a blessing. This little one reminds me in so many ways of Mamma. The way she walks and how she loves to dress up and her laugh - so many ways. When I walk into my yard and tend my garden and plants - I feel my Mamma - when I'm in a store and pass a perfume counter - sometimes I smell her favorite scent. I go often to her grave and take flowers and just sit in the peace of the magnolia tree that she and Daddy rest beneath. And yes, Lomi - sometimes when I am so lost and so worried and overwhelmed - I cry. And I can hear the Quintessential Steel Magnolia tell me to "Stop that nonsense".... So - everyday that I have I try to remember her kindness and grace and dignity. I try to do things that she would have enjoyed and experience life as she loved to do. The very best way we can remember and love and show our respect to those whom we love who have gone is to live life in a way that would truly make them proud. So - I still do little things anonymously for people and I get up every morning and dress and wear something pretty because she always liked that and always said you can't feel your best if you don't look it... (One of those things I used to rebel at when I was young)... I try to make some of her favorite recipes and share them with friends and neighbors - the way she did. And most importantly - I pray each day and Give God the Glory and Thanks for giving me such a special woman for a Mamma. The other day, my daughter laughed at something I said and told me that I sounded "Just Like Nannie"... She has no idea what a compliment that was. So remember your mother Lomi and try to live a life that she would be pleased with. Remember the good things that you shared and know that you will see her one day when God is ready. In Peace and Love -