Rest is a weapon Posted October 3, 2009 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 8 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 125 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 08/01/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/20/1956 Share Posted October 3, 2009 Andy, I believe once you have left your parents and have joined your husband in a new family, that is your first priority. Meaning the health and well being of your husband, children and yourself are the family unit you are looking after. You and your husband most likely have a consensus as to your mothers boundary issues and manipulations. You and your husband must sit down with your mother very soon, even the next time she visits and you should lay down the parameters with which the relationship with 'your' family will be operating under. For example, if she has been visiting too often or just popping in unannounced; then a good boundary would be "mom you know we love you but I need you to call me to let me know if you are wanting to come for a visit." You can set up what you believe is the maximum frequency for her visits. And you should tell her straight up that Christmas is a stressful time for families and that you will be letting her know when you will visit. Christmas Day will be reserved for your family alone to establish your first family Christmas together. Visiting relatives that are not in your town might happen in the new year. But you will connect with everyone Christmas day by phone. If she were to protest at this you must stand your ground and allow her to sulk if she must. She is going to want to see her grand daughter so very much that she will eventually take what she can get in the way of visits. You have done the leave and cleave. Now you need to set healthy boundaries. You and your husband together should arrive at the decisions and I would suggest you be the one to speak with your mom. You have more relationship with her. Husband should be there as the support and to let her know you are both in agreement on this so she can't try and play one then the other if she doesn't like what she hears. Hope this helps. God bless this family that you have brought together and help them to be a strong unit in this challenge to the authority with in the larger extended family. I ask that you would inspire the words that are spoken to the other family members and that Holy Spirit be the peace that remains before, during and after the meetings to establish these relational rules. Thanks Jesus, your the best! amen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest HIS girl Posted October 3, 2009 Share Posted October 3, 2009 ~andy~' Hgirl - did you have this as well? It's so hard travelling in our hot weather on Christmas day. Arrggh! This is our first Christmas as a family together, but we will be visiting the grandparents the weekend before and the weekend after Christmas. If they are unhappy with that they are gunna have to be unhappy with that. It just feels terribly when Mum levels the guilt trip on me... you are a christian you are supposed to value family, why don't you put the effort in, because of you we are missing out on our grandbaby, family takes effort and you are just gunna have to do things you don't want to do... Yes andy - I went through this drama but in my case, I had zero input into any discussion because the other person was ALWAYS right. But that's another story for another day. I think what happens around Christmas time is the focus on the actual DAY. Folks forget about the "time" spent together as being the main importance (apart from celebrating the birth of our Lord). Believer has put forward some seriously wise input - What you have proposed about the weekends with the G'parents sounds just fine. You are not being selfish and don't ride the guilt trip from your Mum. She is wrong to do that - I know you love her but you also see through the manipulation and it needs to stop (on her part). The more you unite with your hubby's decisions, the more she will come to understand that you are valuing family (yours) and she won't be missing out either. The hot road trip for a baby is simply a no go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
georgedrw81 Posted October 4, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 7 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 1,823 Content Per Day: 0.33 Reputation: 36 Days Won: 2 Joined: 04/10/2009 Status: Offline Share Posted October 4, 2009 Praying Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
other one Posted October 4, 2009 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 29 Topic Count: 599 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 56,250 Content Per Day: 7.56 Reputation: 27,981 Days Won: 271 Joined: 12/29/2003 Status: Offline Share Posted October 4, 2009 Well, here is the way it works around my daughters house. "Dad, we'll be at our home for Chrictmas and you're more than welcome to join us. All grandparents are coming and maybe uncles, aunts and maybe a cousin or two...... Of btw you know we only have one extra bed and I'm not going to choose who stays or not. So, there is either bring your travel trailer or tent or join the rest of them down the street at the Ramada Inn. You know you're welcome to stay as long as you like." Love Chand Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HAZARD Posted October 5, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 11 Topic Count: 320 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 6,830 Content Per Day: 0.84 Reputation: 3,570 Days Won: 1 Joined: 02/16/2002 Status: Offline Share Posted October 5, 2009 "But she is also very manipulative in her dealings with us, demanding visits at a frequency that we simply cannot maintain. She gossips about us, uses manipulative and emotive behavior to try to get us to obey her wishes, and commands that I obey her every word because she is my mother and the bible demands that we obey our parents and honour and respect them. I am married, have a child and a husband. They are my family. Hubby and I both agree that my mother is being manipulative in her behavior, especially in her demands about Christmas day visits.". Manipulative, Gossips, uses manipulative and emotive behaviour, Commands, Demands honour and respect? Strike one; Manipulative, Strike two; Gossips, Strike three; uses manipulative and emotive behaviour, Strike four; Commands, Strike five; Demands honour and respect? ____________________________________ "(she still believes she has to be sinless and "good").". Obviously she has forgotten her own rules whilst she applies full control upon her family. Love and respect are earnt, not demanded. It seems she has forgotten to put herself on her list of works of does and dont's. This is what I would do "immediately." Collect yourself, be brave, Contact her and tell her in a quiet and gentle way the things she is doing to you. Outline some of these if you think you can, then, tell her that if she continues in any or all the above, she can forget Christmans, because she will no longer be seeing your husband, you, or your children ever again. Now, depending upon how much she loves you and the children over and above herself, she will either get over herself and change or not. If she does not change, then you know there was no true love there at all, just control over you, and you and your husband and children can get on with your life as a family in peace. Believe me, this works. It worked for me. She can only do to you what you allow her to do. Telling her to stop the above or else, is not dishonoring her. Its simply asking her to stop hurting you and your family. Haz. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~candice~ Posted October 5, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 955 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 11,318 Content Per Day: 1.89 Reputation: 448 Days Won: 33 Joined: 12/16/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted October 5, 2009 Haz, it is not in the nature of people to change. Even if she did, relapse is part of rehabilitation for this kind of controlling behavior. I was hoping the solution was not in changing her but in how I approached her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isaiah 6:8 Posted October 6, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 426 Topics Per Day: 0.07 Content Count: 3,633 Content Per Day: 0.58 Reputation: 222 Days Won: 13 Joined: 03/23/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/26/1978 Share Posted October 6, 2009 Pray, I agree with all the above. Pray before you talk to her, and no matter how manipulating she gets , (my mother in law is similar not as bad though) remember this. By honoring the Father's the only one worthy of honer you honer her. Just let her know as politely you need to take care of your kid. If you mom pulls that whole honor commandment out, bring up the two great commandments Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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