A Single Christian's Prayer

[SweetRain]

Personally since the time I had posted my prayer (I think beginning of this year) I have been ocassionally hesitant of talking to God about this subject. A part of me says that I need to have strong faith and just believe strongly that God will someday bring someone in my life while the other half is scared of bringing hope since I failed to have even one official boyfriend. For the most part I could handle being on the fence on believing that I could someday find someone, but honestly on the inside I felt like I was ripping in two. Not necessarily because I was desiring a boyfriend more than anything but it was really damaging my self-esteem. I remember a couple of times when I would struggle to to give my worry to God and a thought would come like "The reason why I can't find someone is because no one would want someone like me," or "Why would someone want me? I'm too wierd, unattractive, not interesting, etc.... No wonder people don't fit with me". I began feeling like there was something wrong with me or maybe everyone except me has reached sometype of level with God that they can be happy. The last thought always got me since I always felt out of place with God for feeling like I was in adequate for someone to love me.

This past sunday God revealed something to me. I spend more time meditating on my own thoughts and fears that I do not realize that I have been allowing satan to speak over my life more clearly than God could speak to me. To the point that it was all I think about. But God gave me this verse:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

He revealed to me that if I believed that God is not a liar, then surrendering all my problems to him should not be a huge risk for me to take. Or even a risk at all. Which means that without knowing it, I've been telling God through my actions that I rather solve this area of my life without Gods help but he can have the rest of me. But putting our faith in ourselves will only lead to heartache and regrets... I know that there has been times when I wanted to go out and find someone to date and just ignore wither or not they were right for me, because I was tired of being alone. Yet every time i went on that first date I was torn in two because I could feel God telling me "no" when I wanted a "yes".

Though I'm still a virgin, I barely made it to twenty being one. Finally I decided to cast my worry to God because I know he loves and knows me best. And like the verse states, God has brought peace. Ever so often I feel alone, but sadness is leaving me. Also I begin to build confidence and value in myself again. Daily God reminds me that there is a time and place for everything and a reason for each season in our life. For me right now, God reveals to me that I need to be single so he can use me and my time. There are several people God placed in my life right now who struggle with thier faith in Christ and remaining pure before God, and if I had a boyfriend I wouldn't be as available to pray and support them as they need. In the mean time, God met my relational need through friendships with people who I can share my personal thoughts and concerns with so I won't feel alone.

I think through personal experience I spend more time fearing God and allowing him to hold this situation than needed, to the point that its draining. And the social aspect of being single can add the stress too. I know people may laugh that I'm twenty and feeling lonely sometimes but I have a friend who's 25 and still a virgin and didn't have a boyfriend and another friend who's divorced and has kids who's in her upper 40's. It seems like the older we get the less amount of faith in God we allow ourselves to have since the facts say that we are getting too old to hope for a christian relationship. I definately know that this is definatelly not true since God blessed countless of his loyal people regardless of how he made them and age. I think we just need to begin focusing on God and let him take care of the rest. That way we can no longer doubt God and believe that he has everything under control. : )