Arthritis and love

[InternalFlame]

I have been dating my boyfriend for six months now, so needless to say things are getting a little more serious since we are now moving past the initial "infatuation stage" and into the stage where you weigh compatibility and other factors. I have to say that these six months have been amazing. We're practically inseparable, and we compliment each other very well. He's very thoughtful and romantic, and our feelings have been deepening from an infatuation to love. Things aren't completely perfect of course, we've have had our arguments but they have always been solved the same night in an efficient manner.

The thing that bothers me the most has nothing to do with his personality, and it hurts me that it is this thing that gives me pause, but it does. He has a condition called Ankylosing Spondilitis, a type of arthritis that starts in your early twenties and can cause arthritis in various joints as well as back pain and stiffness. As the disease progresses it has the possibility of getting much worse in the pain department as well as causing a possible fusion of the back bone joints, making his back rigid. Depending on how things goes he could have to be on heavy painkillers some day, and may even be unable to work. On the other hand it could just cause him moderate discomfort his whole life, as the disease is unpredictable. Right now he has it in his hip and sometimes shoulder, accompanied with back stiffness and pain, which is managed fairy well with anti-inflammatory drugs he has to take every day...but sometimes they don't work well enough to do the trick.

Here is my quandary. I know myself very well, so I know my limitations and how I respond to things. One thing I know is that without physical intimacy (sex, when I someday get married) I become very bitter and disconnected from my guy; which is something I don't want to happen. Another thing is that despite my patience when helping someone, I do know I have a limit to that. For example, he was very sick with severe tonsillitis for two months, and I had to do a lot to take care of him (his family and friends all live an hour and a half away, which leaves just me). That time was very educational for me because by the end of it our relationship was tenuous at best. I still loved him, and him me, but just being around him annoyed and frustrated me because he was always complaining about pain that I could do nothing to relieve, as much as I so wanted to. My fear is that someday, if we get married, even if it's 20 years from now, that that will be our reality every day. And the thought of that is pure torture, on so many levels. Him being in pain every day without me being able to do anything about it; his pain keeping him from physical intimacy with me; me having to do so much to support him (from chores to possibly being the breadwinner someday) that I'm so frazzled and worn that I can't be me.

But I love him, more and more every day. I can't just leave him for something like this, but I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to be able to do this. Yes, I have prayed about it, and I know that I don't have to do this alone because God is with me...but besides that I know it will be hard and I want to make sure that I can handle it before I decide anything. I've been so torn lately, because I know now is the time to really start thinking about these things...I don't know.

I need advice, especially from anyone who has arthritis of any type, on how it affects your relationship and how you deal with it. Or anything. I've just been really confused and lost lately, and it's hard trying to find answers...

[nebula]

I have rheumatoid arthritis, and before I was finally able to get meds, I was in a lot of pain. Walking was hard, I couldn't open even pre-opened jars without assistance or a device, etc.

What I wanted from my friends and family wasn't pity or the "sorry" eyes look or any attempts to "fix" me or what have you.

What I wanted was for them to just let me say, "Ow!" when I hurt as a personal means of dealing with the pain without their having to respond to it. I would say, "Ow!" for myself, not for them nor for attention.

What I wanted was patience with my struggles. Walk slowly with me. Let me know that it's OK for me to ask for help when I need it (I hate being a burden to anyone). But understand I prefer my independence, so if I want to do something myself, even if it hurts, let me try to do it myself.

You two need to communicate with each other about this - as far as balancing out and understanding when he needs and wants assistance versus his wanting to keep his independence but free to express pain as a means of pushing through it. (I hope I'm making sense.)

Ask him to communicate with you what his needs are. Let him know that you want to help but don't know how. He may say something similar, that he doesn't want the "sorry" eyes look, he wants to maintain as much of his independence as possible, etc.

Ask him how he deals with the pain and what actions he takes to deal with the pain versus what actions indicate he really does need and want help.

Understand that "support" doesn't mean "take away the pain." It means more like be a cane - when I need to lean on you let me, but don't walk for me.

I hope this makes sense.

[Ascot Preston]

I have been dating my boyfriend for six months now, so needless to say things are getting a little more serious since we are now moving past the initial "infatuation stage" and into the stage where you weigh compatibility and other factors. I have to say that these six months have been amazing. We're practically inseparable, and we compliment each other very well. He's very thoughtful and romantic, and our feelings have been deepening from an infatuation to love. Things aren't completely perfect of course, we've have had our arguments but they have always been solved the same night in an efficient manner.

The thing that bothers me the most has nothing to do with his personality, and it hurts me that it is this thing that gives me pause, but it does. He has a condition called Ankylosing Spondilitis, a type of arthritis that starts in your early twenties and can cause arthritis in various joints as well as back pain and stiffness. As the disease progresses it has the possibility of getting much worse in the pain department as well as causing a possible fusion of the back bone joints, making his back rigid. Depending on how things goes he could have to be on heavy painkillers some day, and may even be unable to work. On the other hand it could just cause him moderate discomfort his whole life, as the disease is unpredictable. Right now he has it in his hip and sometimes shoulder, accompanied with back stiffness and pain, which is managed fairy well with anti-inflammatory drugs he has to take every day...but sometimes they don't work well enough to do the trick.

Here is my quandary. I know myself very well, so I know my limitations and how I respond to things. One thing I know is that without physical intimacy (sex, when I someday get married) I become very bitter and disconnected from my guy; which is something I don't want to happen. Another thing is that despite my patience when helping someone, I do know I have a limit to that. For example, he was very sick with severe tonsillitis for two months, and I had to do a lot to take care of him (his family and friends all live an hour and a half away, which leaves just me). That time was very educational for me because by the end of it our relationship was tenuous at best. I still loved him, and him me, but just being around him annoyed and frustrated me because he was always complaining about pain that I could do nothing to relieve, as much as I so wanted to. My fear is that someday, if we get married, even if it's 20 years from now, that that will be our reality every day. And the thought of that is pure torture, on so many levels. Him being in pain every day without me being able to do anything about it; his pain keeping him from physical intimacy with me; me having to do so much to support him (from chores to possibly being the breadwinner someday) that I'm so frazzled and worn that I can't be me.

But I love him, more and more every day. I can't just leave him for something like this, but I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to be able to do this. Yes, I have prayed about it, and I know that I don't have to do this alone because God is with me...but besides that I know it will be hard and I want to make sure that I can handle it before I decide anything. I've been so torn lately, because I know now is the time to really start thinking about these things...I don't know.

I need advice, especially from anyone who has arthritis of any type, on how it affects your relationship and how you deal with it. Or anything. I've just been really confused and lost lately, and it's hard trying to find answers...

First thing on my mind, in reading your post, was; Is your Boyfriend a Christian??

If not... my personal opinion based on personal experience, is to get out of the relationship,

unless your boyfriend is willing to accept Christ as his savior.

If not a Christian,

his illness, if it worsens, might make him bitter over time toward his condition,

toward life and toward God. I have seen this happening.

If your boyfriend is a Christian, please seek help from your local Church Elders.

Not from the Preacher, he has got enough on his plate.

If you stay with your boyfriend and become his wife, you will need all the help you can get.

Naturally, your greatest source of strength is our Lord and Savior.

However, in addition to this you will need strong Christian community support,

the ongoing support his and your relatives,

and a support group of people who actually have this illness.

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Ankylosing-...s/support-group

Sad to say, but relatives that are not Christians often just will be happy to get rid of any burden,

and will place it squarely upon your shoulders. And even if you carry the burden out of love,

it still is a burden. Oddly enough, it is also a great privilege. (speaking from personal experience here.)

This is a most difficult decision you must make. I am sorry, but as an outsider it is very difficult to advise you.

I only know how I am reacting to your post.

I know I could not deal with what you are dealing with....sigh.

Be assured that our Lord is with you and that whatever decision you make,

the Lord will turn it to good.

[MelodyCat]

I too have HLAB27 ankylosing spondilitis. I have had it this year for 19 years. Mine was started through a car accident, the very bad injuries, stress and shock of the accident trigged the disease to start early. It is a hereditary form of arthritis and they were able to diagnose it through a blood test.

I actually got the Arthritis just after I got engaged. I called off my engagement but my husband pursued me and went with me to the doctors and got a proper picture of what he would be taking on if we got married. We have been married now 18 years.

It has not been easy you are correct. This type of arthritis is one of the four most damaging types of Rhuematoid Arthritis and can (depending on the way it progresses) end up crippling those who have it severely and I will tell you what my specialist said. You should thank God you are a woman as it tends to be more agressive in men.

So I am glad you are thinking about this now.

My question is have you been praying about it as well? You will need the strength given to you by the Lord to be the stronger partner and the one who may have to be the breadwinner as well. You need the Lord to give you peace about marrying this man.

I spent much time in prayer about getting married with this disease. I also made sure my hubby knew all the medical details and his going to the doctors with me before I said yes to marrying him (again with this disease) was important as I didn't want the heart ache of being abandoned when I was unable to care for myself and he couldn't cope with me any more.

I have had to give up full-time work 8 years but for my hubby to keep working was no big deal and I still could do quite a bit around the house (very slowly) back then. However recently my hubby has now stopped work and been looking after me full time. I can still get around on my own two legs. I can still bathe myself and I cook with assistance. My hubby does all the housechores now and food shopping and takes me to all my doctors appointments.

All I can say is discuss it with your boyfriend. Go to the doctors with him or get educated about it. Locally where I live there is an Arthritis support group called the Arthritis Foundation a charity group. They try to provide support to sufferers and their families with lots of information of where you can get treated and how to deal with the disease and of course you can come and talk about it with others. If there is an organisation in your area it would be worthwhile going to their meetings.

At the same time be praying about it. God will guide you and enable help you with this decision.

Cheers

MelC

PS like my grandmother I am very fortunate it hasn't affected my hands. Also the meds I am taking today are far superior to what I used to take many years ago (less side effects and they really do work on the inflammation). Don't forget there are many foods and supplements that help with the inflammation, diet is important and wheat seems to be the number one allergy that can cause inflammation.

Edited February 24, 2010 by MelodyCat

[InternalFlame]

I too have HLAB27 ankylosing spondilitis. I have had it this year for 19 years. Mine was started through a car accident, the very bad injuries, stress and shock of the accident trigged the disease to start early. It is a hereditary form of arthritis and they were able to diagnose it through a blood test.

I actually got the Arthritis just after I got engaged. I called off my engagement but my husband pursued me and went with me to the doctors and got a proper picture of what he would be taking on if we got married. We have been married now 18 years.

It has not been easy you are correct. This type of arthritis is one of the four most damaging types of Rhuematoid Arthritis and can (depending on the way it progresses) end up crippling those who have it severely and I will tell you what my specialist said. You should thank God you are a woman as it tends to be more agressive in men.

So I am glad you are thinking about this now.

My question is have you been praying about it as well? You will need the strength given to you by the Lord to be the stronger partner and the one who may have to be the breadwinner as well. You need the Lord to give you peace about marrying this man.

I spent much time in prayer about getting married with this disease. I also made sure my hubby knew all the medical details and his going to the doctors with me before I said yes to marrying him (again with this disease) was important as I didn't want the heart ache of being abandoned when I was unable to care for myself and he couldn't cope with me any more.

I have had to give up full-time work 8 years but for my hubby to keep working was no big deal and I still could do quite a bit around the house (very slowly) back then. However recently my hubby has now stopped work and been looking after me full time. I can still get around on my own two legs. I can still bathe myself and I cook with assistance. My hubby does all the housechores now and food shopping and takes me to all my doctors appointments.

All I can say is discuss it with your boyfriend. Go to the doctors with him or get educated about it. Locally where I live there is an Arthritis support group called the Arthritis Foundation a charity group. They try to provide support to sufferers and their families with lots of information of where you can get treated and how to deal with the disease and of course you can come and talk about it with others. If there is an organisation in your area it would be worthwhile going to their meetings.

At the same time be praying about it. God will guide you and enable help you with this decision.

Cheers

MelC

PS like my grandmother I am very fortunate it hasn't affected my hands. Also the meds I am taking today are far superior to what I used to take many years ago (less side effects and they really do work on the inflammation). Don't forget there are many foods and supplements that help with the inflammation, diet is important and wheat seems to be the number one allergy that can cause inflammation.

Thank you, this has been very helpful to me. I have been praying about this, and educating myself a lot (Whenever I worry I study, so that worked out well). We have been working together on keeping him healthy, making sure to do his exercises and stretches every day as well as cooking him balanced meals.

Thank you to everyone else for the advice so far. He is a Christian (wouldn't have gotten this involved otherwise, been there, it's a bad idea) and I have talked to him about it as we are very open with each other (something that is also great about our relationship). His response was that even if I could not do it alone we could do it together, and that he would always be there for me any way he could. And I believe him on that, though he does have physical limitations that may increase with time. I guess the biggest issue is wondering if I will be strong enough to support him fully someday. I always saw myself as being the "traditional" wife someday - cooking, cleaning, caring for the family and being an emotional support for all - this I know I can do. It's the juggling of those roles with the role of breadwinner that cause problems in my mind. As well as my need for physical intimacy (how to get over the fear of hurting him even if he does consent, how to deal with it when he just can't ect.) that will surely be an important issue after marriage.

Everyone always tells me what a strong person I am...but I am very emotionally fragile. It breaks my heart all the time that he has to go through this. It's not pity so much as sadness and anger that people have these sorts of things. I just want to be free to love him without having to worry about him all the time...

[Believer1997]

I have been dating my boyfriend for six months now, so needless to say things are getting a little more serious since we are now moving past the initial "infatuation stage" and into the stage where you weigh compatibility and other factors. I have to say that these six months have been amazing. We're practically inseparable, and we compliment each other very well. He's very thoughtful and romantic, and our feelings have been deepening from an infatuation to love. Things aren't completely perfect of course, we've have had our arguments but they have always been solved the same night in an efficient manner.

The thing that bothers me the most has nothing to do with his personality, and it hurts me that it is this thing that gives me pause, but it does. He has a condition called Ankylosing Spondilitis, a type of arthritis that starts in your early twenties and can cause arthritis in various joints as well as back pain and stiffness. As the disease progresses it has the possibility of getting much worse in the pain department as well as causing a possible fusion of the back bone joints, making his back rigid. Depending on how things goes he could have to be on heavy painkillers some day, and may even be unable to work. On the other hand it could just cause him moderate discomfort his whole life, as the disease is unpredictable. Right now he has it in his hip and sometimes shoulder, accompanied with back stiffness and pain, which is managed fairy well with anti-inflammatory drugs he has to take every day...but sometimes they don't work well enough to do the trick.

Here is my quandary. I know myself very well, so I know my limitations and how I respond to things. One thing I know is that without physical intimacy (sex, when I someday get married) I become very bitter and disconnected from my guy; which is something I don't want to happen. Another thing is that despite my patience when helping someone, I do know I have a limit to that. For example, he was very sick with severe tonsillitis for two months, and I had to do a lot to take care of him (his family and friends all live an hour and a half away, which leaves just me). That time was very educational for me because by the end of it our relationship was tenuous at best. I still loved him, and him me, but just being around him annoyed and frustrated me because he was always complaining about pain that I could do nothing to relieve, as much as I so wanted to. My fear is that someday, if we get married, even if it's 20 years from now, that that will be our reality every day. And the thought of that is pure torture, on so many levels. Him being in pain every day without me being able to do anything about it; his pain keeping him from physical intimacy with me; me having to do so much to support him (from chores to possibly being the breadwinner someday) that I'm so frazzled and worn that I can't be me.

But I love him, more and more every day. I can't just leave him for something like this, but I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to be able to do this. Yes, I have prayed about it, and I know that I don't have to do this alone because God is with me...but besides that I know it will be hard and I want to make sure that I can handle it before I decide anything. I've been so torn lately, because I know now is the time to really start thinking about these things...I don't know.

I need advice, especially from anyone who has arthritis of any type, on how it affects your relationship and how you deal with it. Or anything. I've just been really confused and lost lately, and it's hard trying to find answers...

I developed Rheumatoid Arthritis 7 years after my marriage. Shortly thereafter, followed the diagnosis of 2 more auto-immune diseases. I work and have occasional flair-ups and don't have the energy to do all the things I like to do. I was very depressed after these diagnoses ... my husband said "For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others and keeping only to thee"... that's all he said - He asked me what I would do if our roles were reversed - without even thinking - I said the same words to him.

Perhaps if you are having doubts, you should step away from the relationship before it goes further and give yourself some space to think about these concerns you have. No one can predict the future or if a condition will be worse or a hindrance. If you have doubts - pray and ask God for guidance and direction.

[nebula]

. . . I always saw myself as being the "traditional" wife someday - cooking, cleaning, caring for the family and being an emotional support for all - this I know I can do. It's the juggling of those roles with the role of breadwinner that cause problems in my mind. As well as my need for physical intimacy (how to get over the fear of hurting him even if he does consent, how to deal with it when he just can't ect.) that will surely be an important issue after marriage.

Everyone always tells me what a strong person I am...but I am very emotionally fragile. It breaks my heart all the time that he has to go through this. It's not pity so much as sadness and anger that people have these sorts of things. I just want to be free to love him without having to worry about him all the time...

Flame, these concerns of yours are things you need to take before the Lord. If He means for you to be this man's wife, He will give you the grace to endure.

Ask the Lord to reveal His will to you in this, even ask for a sign that will confirm to your heart that you can do this. (Not a pie-in-the-sky sign, but a sign that would be relevant to your situation.) I did this not too long ago with a choice I've had to make, and the Lord answered!

And I know it isn't pity you feel but sadness. But I was trying to present - perhaps in not the best wording - what it's like on the other side. Sure it's nice to know that people care about my suffering, but at the same time the "feeling sad for me" is like - no that isn't what I need. I had to deal with the pain by toughening it out, and it's nice to have the concern but with the same toughening out spirit from others. I'm glad it hurts you that I hurt, but I don't need you to suffer in your emotions over me. Just love on me with a smile and a hug and and be proud of me for hanging in there.

Does that make more sense??

[Guest mypraise]

"And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily as unto the LORD, and not unto men." Col 3:23

[Shiloh62]

I have been dating my boyfriend for six months now, so needless to say things are getting a little more serious since we are now moving past the initial "infatuation stage" and into the stage where you weigh compatibility and other factors. I have to say that these six months have been amazing. We're practically inseparable, and we compliment each other very well. He's very thoughtful and romantic, and our feelings have been deepening from an infatuation to love. Things aren't completely perfect of course, we've have had our arguments but they have always been solved the same night in an efficient manner.

The thing that bothers me the most has nothing to do with his personality, and it hurts me that it is this thing that gives me pause, but it does. He has a condition called Ankylosing Spondilitis, a type of arthritis that starts in your early twenties and can cause arthritis in various joints as well as back pain and stiffness. As the disease progresses it has the possibility of getting much worse in the pain department as well as causing a possible fusion of the back bone joints, making his back rigid. Depending on how things goes he could have to be on heavy painkillers some day, and may even be unable to work. On the other hand it could just cause him moderate discomfort his whole life, as the disease is unpredictable. Right now he has it in his hip and sometimes shoulder, accompanied with back stiffness and pain, which is managed fairy well with anti-inflammatory drugs he has to take every day...but sometimes they don't work well enough to do the trick.

Here is my quandary. I know myself very well, so I know my limitations and how I respond to things. One thing I know is that without physical intimacy (sex, when I someday get married) I become very bitter and disconnected from my guy; which is something I don't want to happen. Another thing is that despite my patience when helping someone, I do know I have a limit to that. For example, he was very sick with severe tonsillitis for two months, and I had to do a lot to take care of him (his family and friends all live an hour and a half away, which leaves just me). That time was very educational for me because by the end of it our relationship was tenuous at best. I still loved him, and him me, but just being around him annoyed and frustrated me because he was always complaining about pain that I could do nothing to relieve, as much as I so wanted to. My fear is that someday, if we get married, even if it's 20 years from now, that that will be our reality every day. And the thought of that is pure torture, on so many levels. Him being in pain every day without me being able to do anything about it; his pain keeping him from physical intimacy with me; me having to do so much to support him (from chores to possibly being the breadwinner someday) that I'm so frazzled and worn that I can't be me.

But I love him, more and more every day. I can't just leave him for something like this, but I don't know if I have the mental fortitude to be able to do this. Yes, I have prayed about it, and I know that I don't have to do this alone because God is with me...but besides that I know it will be hard and I want to make sure that I can handle it before I decide anything. I've been so torn lately, because I know now is the time to really start thinking about these things...I don't know.

I need advice, especially from anyone who has arthritis of any type, on how it affects your relationship and how you deal with it. Or anything. I've just been really confused and lost lately, and it's hard trying to find answers...

" Here is my quandary. I know myself very well, so I know my limitations and how I respond to things. One thing I know is that without physical intimacy (sex, when I someday get married) I become very bitter and disconnected from my guy"

First, you say that without physical intimacy, you become very bitter. Then you say you are going to wait until you get married. Which is it?

[InternalFlame]

. . . I always saw myself as being the "traditional" wife someday - cooking, cleaning, caring for the family and being an emotional support for all - this I know I can do. It's the juggling of those roles with the role of breadwinner that cause problems in my mind. As well as my need for physical intimacy (how to get over the fear of hurting him even if he does consent, how to deal with it when he just can't ect.) that will surely be an important issue after marriage.

Everyone always tells me what a strong person I am...but I am very emotionally fragile. It breaks my heart all the time that he has to go through this. It's not pity so much as sadness and anger that people have these sorts of things. I just want to be free to love him without having to worry about him all the time...

Flame, these concerns of yours are things you need to take before the Lord. If He means for you to be this man's wife, He will give you the grace to endure.

Ask the Lord to reveal His will to you in this, even ask for a sign that will confirm to your heart that you can do this. (Not a pie-in-the-sky sign, but a sign that would be relevant to your situation.) I did this not too long ago with a choice I've had to make, and the Lord answered!

And I know it isn't pity you feel but sadness. But I was trying to present - perhaps in not the best wording - what it's like on the other side. Sure it's nice to know that people care about my suffering, but at the same time the "feeling sad for me" is like - no that isn't what I need. I had to deal with the pain by toughening it out, and it's nice to have the concern but with the same toughening out spirit from others. I'm glad it hurts you that I hurt, but I don't need you to suffer in your emotions over me. Just love on me with a smile and a hug and and be proud of me for hanging in there.

Does that make more sense??

Yes, it does make more sense. I suppose that's another concern of mine, that I can get controll over my emotions so that I can just "be" with him. I know that it bothers him to see me sad, which he doesn't need, so it doesn't do any good.

" Here is my quandary. I know myself very well, so I know my limitations and how I respond to things. One thing I know is that without physical intimacy (sex, when I someday get married) I become very bitter and disconnected from my guy"

First, you say that without physical intimacy, you become very bitter. Then you say you are going to wait until you get married. Which is it?

Well someday that will include sex, but right now that is just things like cuddling. I am basing my predictions on how I react if the relationship does not include things like hugs, kisses, and cuddling. I imagine that I would react more strongly someday if unable to have sex on a regular basis based on how often I would like to do so if given the chance right now.