Abused coworker....attempted suicide

[ladypeartree]

Like too many others I to have been there... PLEASE dont give up on her ... try to get her to pack a bag of esentials for herself and her children, find the number of a battered womens home ( they wont give it to you as it is almost NEVER given to men ) and have an escape plan worked out including a " panic word / phrase " so that if she is in a desperate situation and cant get away from him physically she can phone you or anyone else you can get to help and if she uses the word or phrase you GET HELP TO HER THEN WITHOUT DELAY.

Praying for you both :emot-pray:

[Fez]

Like too many others I to have been there... PLEASE dont give up on her ... try to get her to pack a bag of esentials for herself and her children, find the number of a battered womens home ( they wont give it to you as it is almost NEVER given to men ) and have an escape plan worked out including a " panic word / phrase " so that if she is in a desperate situation and cant get away from him physically she can phone you or anyone else you can get to help and if she uses the word or phrase you GET HELP TO HER THEN WITHOUT DELAY.

Praying for you both :emot-pray:

Very good advice, excellent advice

[RGR]

I talked to her again yesterday on the subject and she said she's "considered" moving out and away from him. I encouraged her to do so and I'm hoping she'll consider it. She knows she could call me at any time of the night or the day if she needs a friend to talk to.

Also, she asked me last year, during a low point, for a Bible. I gave her one and I know at one point she had it in handy reach. I'm just hoping she'll read it. She told me once that she was considering going to church that coming Sunday and being saved. I told her one didn't have to wait for Sunday or church to be saved. Not sure if the idea took root, but the fact she's talked about it, asked for a Bible and now will apologize at times for her foul mouth (Lord, I'd love to have a bar of soap at times) tells me it's at least on her mind.

[Nyoka]

RGR if she is thinking of leaving him then there may be some small shred of hope for her. Have patience with her as it is a huge scary thing to leave an abusive spouse. You are doing the right thing by being there for her and encouraging her to leave. Also if she leaves him she is going to need lots of help as she will be demoralized and hurting and the temptation to go back will be great. She will actually need more help after she leaves than before as she is totally rebuilding her life and the lives of any children. As others have suggested have a safe word for her and have the information she needs ready so that you can just give it to her. I suggest this as I know that I was in no physical or mental state to find those things out for myself and was so grateful to my friends who had taken the time to do this for me. Another thing to be aware of to is what happened to a friend of mine. She left her abusive spouse so to punish her he committed suicide - he left a note telling us this. So now as well as helping her rebuild her life we have had to help her deal with the guilt his suicide caused her to have.

Praise Jesus you got out when you did sister

As an aside, I have always been interested in your name... It has a Zulu meaning, just with an i in front but pronounced the same, (iNyoka) and is the word for something here. I just wondered if there was a South African connection?

Amen Fez. It was all thanks to Jesus I got out alive with my children. As for my name I had no idea it was from Africa. My husband saw the name in a comic book, as a child, and told me about it when I was looking for a name to use and I liked it lol. I had no idea what it meant lol.

Edited October 26, 2010 by Nyoka

[Guest]

....It has a Zulu meaning, just with an i in front but pronounced the same, (iNyoka) and is the word for something here. I just wondered if there was a South African connection?

....As for my name I had no idea it was from Africa. My husband saw the name in a comic book, as a child, and told me about it when I was looking for a name to use and I liked it lol. I had no idea what it meant lol.

Walking Through Africa

Walking through Africa, what do I see?

I can see inyoka looking at me.

Walking through Africa, what do I see?

I can see ufudu looking at me.

Walking through Africa, what do I see?

I can see indlovu looking at me.

Walking through Africa, what do I see?

I can see ikhozi looking at me.

note: This is a Zulu chant the children "sing" while they stalk about. The translation would probably be closer to "walking through the bush...," but my children love to say Africa. I've translated all the words but the animals. These are as follows:

inyoka (een-yoh'-gkah) a snake

ufudu (oo-foo'-doo) a tortoise, /oo/ as in fool

indlovu (een-dloh'-voo) an elephant

ikhozi (ee-koh'zee) an eagle

[j102]

I have a coworker who is like family to me, more a sister than a friend. She is in an abusive marriage, abusive in the emotional, mental and physical realms.

Her husband has cheated on her numerous times, constantly treats her like she's going to cheat on him (she's been accused of sleeping w/ other coworkers including me) but the worst part is the physical abuse. The latest episode of physical abuse culminated in her attempting suicide this past week after he choked her and left her bruised up.

Myself and others have told her that she should get out of the abusive situation. Her brother has tried to get her to move to another state where he lives even. When the abuse takes place, she'll agree that she needs to get her and her kids (yes, there are kids involved) out of the situation and go where he can't find her. However she will rarely kick him out of the house, she won't leave and in a few days it's all about her saying what a great guy he truly is, he truly didn't mean to hurt her, etc.

I finally point blank told her the other day that I was beginning to get afraid I'd be attending her funeral. Even that didn't seem to hit home. I know she's an adult, will do what she wants to do. I consistently pray for her , give her advice when she talks to me, but nothing changes. I've even threatened to wash my hands of the situation, not to talk to her regarding it but I can't do that, it's just my nature. Am I missing something? Any advice?

ask her out to eat sometime so the to of you can talk more one-on-one, tell her that your very concerned for her safety and her kid's safety. she will probably think you are over stepping your boundaries, but tell her that if she wont get help to keep her kids protected that you feel obliged to call child protective services for their own well being.

[RGR]

I have a coworker who is like family to me, more a sister than a friend. She is in an abusive marriage, abusive in the emotional, mental and physical realms.

Her husband has cheated on her numerous times, constantly treats her like she's going to cheat on him (she's been accused of sleeping w/ other coworkers including me) but the worst part is the physical abuse. The latest episode of physical abuse culminated in her attempting suicide this past week after he choked her and left her bruised up.

Myself and others have told her that she should get out of the abusive situation. Her brother has tried to get her to move to another state where he lives even. When the abuse takes place, she'll agree that she needs to get her and her kids (yes, there are kids involved) out of the situation and go where he can't find her. However she will rarely kick him out of the house, she won't leave and in a few days it's all about her saying what a great guy he truly is, he truly didn't mean to hurt her, etc.

I finally point blank told her the other day that I was beginning to get afraid I'd be attending her funeral. Even that didn't seem to hit home. I know she's an adult, will do what she wants to do. I consistently pray for her , give her advice when she talks to me, but nothing changes. I've even threatened to wash my hands of the situation, not to talk to her regarding it but I can't do that, it's just my nature. Am I missing something? Any advice?

ask her out to eat sometime so the to of you can talk more one-on-one, tell her that your very concerned for her safety and her kid's safety. she will probably think you are over stepping your boundaries, but tell her that if she wont get help to keep her kids protected that you feel obliged to call child protective services for their own well being.

Not a wise idea. I've already been accused behind my back of sleeping w/ her b/c we are such close friends. Obviously, I don't chase married women but taking her out to eat would be adding fuel to the fire.

[j102]

I have a coworker who is like family to me, more a sister than a friend. She is in an abusive marriage, abusive in the emotional, mental and physical realms.

Her husband has cheated on her numerous times, constantly treats her like she's going to cheat on him (she's been accused of sleeping w/ other coworkers including me) but the worst part is the physical abuse. The latest episode of physical abuse culminated in her attempting suicide this past week after he choked her and left her bruised up.

Myself and others have told her that she should get out of the abusive situation. Her brother has tried to get her to move to another state where he lives even. When the abuse takes place, she'll agree that she needs to get her and her kids (yes, there are kids involved) out of the situation and go where he can't find her. However she will rarely kick him out of the house, she won't leave and in a few days it's all about her saying what a great guy he truly is, he truly didn't mean to hurt her, etc.

I finally point blank told her the other day that I was beginning to get afraid I'd be attending her funeral. Even that didn't seem to hit home. I know she's an adult, will do what she wants to do. I consistently pray for her , give her advice when she talks to me, but nothing changes. I've even threatened to wash my hands of the situation, not to talk to her regarding it but I can't do that, it's just my nature. Am I missing something? Any advice?

ask her out to eat sometime so the to of you can talk more one-on-one, tell her that your very concerned for her safety and her kid's safety. she will probably think you are over stepping your boundaries, but tell her that if she wont get help to keep her kids protected that you feel obliged to call child protective services for their own well being.

Not a wise idea. I've already been accused behind my back of sleeping w/ her b/c we are such close friends. Obviously, I don't chase married women but taking her out to eat would be adding fuel to the fire.

yea that could backfire....maybe ask one of her lady friends if she's up to it.

[RGR]

I have a coworker who is like family to me, more a sister than a friend. She is in an abusive marriage, abusive in the emotional, mental and physical realms.

Her husband has cheated on her numerous times, constantly treats her like she's going to cheat on him (she's been accused of sleeping w/ other coworkers including me) but the worst part is the physical abuse. The latest episode of physical abuse culminated in her attempting suicide this past week after he choked her and left her bruised up.

Myself and others have told her that she should get out of the abusive situation. Her brother has tried to get her to move to another state where he lives even. When the abuse takes place, she'll agree that she needs to get her and her kids (yes, there are kids involved) out of the situation and go where he can't find her. However she will rarely kick him out of the house, she won't leave and in a few days it's all about her saying what a great guy he truly is, he truly didn't mean to hurt her, etc.

I finally point blank told her the other day that I was beginning to get afraid I'd be attending her funeral. Even that didn't seem to hit home. I know she's an adult, will do what she wants to do. I consistently pray for her , give her advice when she talks to me, but nothing changes. I've even threatened to wash my hands of the situation, not to talk to her regarding it but I can't do that, it's just my nature. Am I missing something? Any advice?

ask her out to eat sometime so the to of you can talk more one-on-one, tell her that your very concerned for her safety and her kid's safety. she will probably think you are over stepping your boundaries, but tell her that if she wont get help to keep her kids protected that you feel obliged to call child protective services for their own well being.

Not a wise idea. I've already been accused behind my back of sleeping w/ her b/c we are such close friends. Obviously, I don't chase married women but taking her out to eat would be adding fuel to the fire.

yea that could backfire....maybe ask one of her lady friends if she's up to it.

Our work situation requires us to be out of the store from time to time (we work for a rent-to-own place and we're both acct. rep's) and the times we've been out together have given us a lot of time to talk. We had a long talk today in the office and even though I've known her for almost 2 1/2 years, she opened up more about the situation today.

Just like I was with my now ex-wife, she's trying to put up w/ things trying to keep her family together. She's now to a point she said she's realizing it's maybe not worth it and maybe it's time to move on w/ her life. I can relate to those feelings all too well.

[nebula]

If this helps on the advice side -

My parents split and divorce was the most painful thing I ever went through, and I'm still dealing with the after-affects in a lot of ways.

But, after a couple of years from their divorce, both Mom and Dad were becoming happier and better people, and in that regard I'm glad they are no longer together. In some ways I was glad they did not separate sooner, but in some ways I wish they had split up sooner. It would have been painful dealing with as a child, but I sure could have lived without the years of fighting and other negative consequences of their sticking together.

The point is, if she's worried about the children being hurt and damaged by her leaving . . . they are being hurt by the way things are. It will be tough for them, sure. But living in a peaceful environment will be a welcome relief to them.

Sad, I know, but that's how it is.