The choice not to have children

[Guest LadyC]

nebula i think there may be something to that theory. a lot to that theory actually. where there is no family connectivity, it may very well make "family" seem unimportant to someone. i think another contributing factor is the whole problem of latchkey kids raising themselves while a single parent or both parents work. the kids grow up having no real sense of belonging, even within the immediate family. they grow up feeling like a sideshow to life, while the main stage is the parent's work or career, whether that's by choice or necessity. either way, a kid grows up feeling rather disconnected and with a suppressed desire to continue the cycle.

and maybe that kinda links right back into what you were saying about the observations in some animal species... that when the population is overcrowded, they naturally begin to produce fewer litters. i'm not sure how exactly i'm drawing a line between those two dots, but there's a line there somewhere. it might be a little crooked, but it's there.

[SavedByGrace1981]

I am wondering if with us humans, we are losing our desire for children because our society has lost its sense of community.

We are designed for family units and community. But most of us don't have this anymore. Parents and siblings often don't live in the same states, or if they do not within an hours' drive of each other. We don't know our neighbors very well. We have created isolation amidst a crowd.

I believe this has affected our natural desire for creating family when the family unit has become torn, unglued, dispersed.

And by the way, it's also Biblical to have "a quiver full" of children. How many here have been arguing for the Biblical case to have children yourselves have a "quiver full" of children?

If not, why not?

You've presented an interesting take on this. I think there's some validity to it.

I happen to live near an Amish community. This past winter, my car slid off the road and into a ditch. While I was waiting for Triple A to arrive, a very kind Amish gentleman invited me into his home so I could get out of the cold. It happened to be during suppertime, and the family (husband, wife, and 8 children) were all around the dinner table.

I think the word "community" triggered this memory.

It doesn't answer the base question, of course. Should couples feel duty bound to have children? In my opinion - not at all. Every couple SHOULD pray about it, honestly evaluate their own hearts and desires, and go from there. Beyond that, it's no one else's business.

Blessings!

-Ed

Edited April 12, 2011 by SavedByGrace1981

[Believer1997]

The desire to have children is 100% natural. Animals seek it instinctively. And their different species naturally procreate in ways that best ensures the health and survival of their offspring.

I don't believe animals so much desire to have offspring as they do to meet a biological need brought on by being in heat...

So what causes people to not want children? What happened?

I think there are people who simply do not like children. It's not a new idea - it's just that before active contraceptive, children were born and 'dealt with'.... not always nurtured and loved. I had an aunt who was an anthropologist and she married - but they made a conscious choice not to have children if at all possible. She didn't have a maternal bone in her body - she was one of my favorite people who kept her distance until I was old enough to have an interest in her work and travels.

Before you throw opinions like stones, there may be something deeper going on that goes beyond individuals who feel this way, as this seems to be something that has been spread across society.

I think it's always been there - in earlier times - children were often raised by servants or other relatives. Their parents really would have preferred not to have children, but it was 'expected'.

I am wondering if with us humans, we are losing our desire for children because our society has lost its sense of community.

I don't think it's a rampant problem in society - people are just being more open about saying they don't desire to become parents. I appreciate the honesty. In a 'live time' world - many people see so much dysfunction, poverty, terrible circumstances in this and other countries, they've made a decision (whether conscious or otherwise) not to bring children "into" this mess.

We are designed for family units and community. But most of us don't have this anymore. Parents and siblings often don't live in the same states, or if they do not within an hours' drive of each other. We don't know our neighbors very well. We have created isolation amidst a crowd. I believe this has affected our natural desire for creating family when the family unit has become torn, unglued, dispersed.

I know many people - as I'm sure others - who want children and may not have come from a tight family unit and still want children and want to start new family "traditions".

And by the way, it's also Biblical to have "a quiver full" of children. How many here have been arguing for the Biblical case to have children yourselves have a "quiver full" of children?

If one is going to love, support, nurture, educate a 'quiver full' of children - they should. People who are honest in their desire not to have children shouldn't be shunned or bashed for their decision. There are millions of examples of the results of having children without a thought as to how to love, support or care for them.... all over the world.

** Post edited to correct the proper placement of quotes which are so important in communication

[Shiloh62]

Not if they don't want to or can't afford to. Children are expensive.

[Believer1997]

Not if they don't want to or can't afford to. Children are expensive.

You are correct, Shiloh! They are expensive - It isn't so much the cost of having a child that concerns me - what concerns me is... Is that child really wanted? loved? nurtured? protected? If the answer to any of those is 'no' ... consider parenthood much more carefully and be honest about your desire for parenthood. I see wonderful families who love their children and they all do with less to have more - more family experiences, more joy, etc. Those children are rich in love and caring - but they are clothed from handed down clothing and yard sales - and there is nothing at ALL wrong with that.... money doesn't equal love.

[Shiloh62]

Not if they don't want to or can't afford to. Children are expensive.

You are correct, Shiloh! They are expensive - It isn't so much the cost of having a child that concerns me - what concerns me is... Is that child really wanted? loved? nurtured? protected? If the answer to any of those is 'no' ... consider parenthood much more carefully and be honest about your desire for parenthood. I see wonderful families who love their children and they all do with less to have more - more family experiences, more joy, etc. Those children are rich in love and caring - but they are clothed from handed down clothing and yard sales - and there is nothing at ALL wrong with that.... money doesn't equal love.

I got a lot of hand me down clothes, and by clothes, I mean shirts and pants. My parents always bough me new socks and underclothes of course, and new shoes at the start of the school year.

Taking it one step further, some of us choose not to even get married;we are more happy being single. I think God has room for us singles, too.

[Believer1997]

Not if they don't want to or can't afford to. Children are expensive.

You are correct, Shiloh! They are expensive - It isn't so much the cost of having a child that concerns me - what concerns me is... Is that child really wanted? loved? nurtured? protected? If the answer to any of those is 'no' ... consider parenthood much more carefully and be honest about your desire for parenthood. I see wonderful families who love their children and they all do with less to have more - more family experiences, more joy, etc. Those children are rich in love and caring - but they are clothed from handed down clothing and yard sales - and there is nothing at ALL wrong with that.... money doesn't equal love.

I got a lot of hand me down clothes, and by clothes, I mean shirts and pants. My parents always bough me new socks and underclothes of course, and new shoes at the start of the school year.

Taking it one step further, some of us choose not to even get married;we are more happy being single. I think God has room for us singles, too.

I agree with you.... I think God has more than enough room for people who choose to remain single ... and childless, also.

[nebula]

Believer - you got your quotes wrong! *smirk*

For the record, there is not "one" answer. I was addressing a particular take on the issue. And no, there is no "one size fits all" answer.

But I would like to ask -

You said, "I think there are people who simply do not like children."

My question is - Why?

Is that natural? Normal?

I know both my brother and I didn't "like" children for different reason, and both of us have had changes of heart that came after a lot of inner healing.

Yes, I know not everyone is like us. But I would venture that there is a reason behind "not liking children". I believe that God loves children, and this love is naturally created in us, and so any change in that is caused by something.

This isn't to judge anyone. It's just observing pieces.

For the record, I have no desire to bear children, but I consider this a grace because I'm still single, and with my age and health issues I don't think it a good idea for me to get pregnant.

[imoss]

I am wondering if with us humans, we are losing our desire for children because our society has lost its sense of community.

We are designed for family units and community. But most of us don't have this anymore. Parents and siblings often don't live in the same states, or if they do not within an hours' drive of each other. We don't know our neighbors very well. We have created isolation amidst a crowd.

I believe this has affected our natural desire for creating family when the family unit has become torn, unglued, dispersed.

And by the way, it's also Biblical to have "a quiver full" of children. How many here have been arguing for the Biblical case to have children yourselves have a "quiver full" of children?

If not, why not?

You've presented an interesting take on this. I think there's some validity to it.

I happen to live near an Amish community. This past winter, my car slid off the road and into a ditch. While I was waiting for Triple A to arrive, a very kind Amish gentleman invited me into his home so I could get out of the cold. It happened to be during suppertime, and the family (husband, wife, and 8 children) were all around the dinner table.

I think the word "community" triggered this memory.

It doesn't answer the base question, of course. Should couples feel duty bound to have children? In my opinion - not at all. Every couple SHOULD pray about it, honestly evaluate their own hearts and desires, and go from there. Beyond that, it's no one else's business.

Blessings!

-Ed

I agree, he probably loves all them 8 kids and his wife but it must get overwhelming at times. I figure to each their own. I didnt want kids for the first 10 years with my husband but I'm so thankful I changed my mind cause I'd give up everything for them. In fact I did, I left my career & designation for them. I'm not lost though, I have complete joy in that decision & in my life.

Ed the reason I responded to your post was it kinda reminded me of a corb lund video "the truck got stuck". We actually had it happen one time where we got trucks stuck in the same order as the song.

[Believer1997]

Believer - you got your quotes wrong! *smirk*

For the record, there is not "one" answer. I was addressing a particular take on the issue. And no, there is no "one size fits all" answer.

But I would like to ask -

You said, "I think there are people who simply do not like children."

My question is - Why?

Is that natural? Normal?

I know both my brother and I didn't "like" children for different reason, and both of us have had changes of heart that came after a lot of inner healing.

Yes, I know not everyone is like us. But I would venture that there is a reason behind "not liking children". I believe that God loves children, and this love is naturally created in us, and so any change in that is caused by something.

This isn't to judge anyone. It's just observing pieces.

For the record, I have no desire to bear children, but I consider this a grace because I'm still single, and with my age and health issues I don't think it a good idea for me to get pregnant.

If I posted and replied as often as you - I'd be an expert as well... Sorry about the confusion with the quotes. But the content is the point. I'm glad you and your brother have healed. I think there have always been people who were not as enchanted with children as others... that's okay. As long as one does not harm them or act hatefully towards them.