~candice~ Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 955 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 11,318 Content Per Day: 1.88 Reputation: 448 Days Won: 33 Joined: 12/16/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted July 1, 2011 Sometimes I really just need to let it all out Psychologists put infertility up there with the death of a spouse or divorce in terms of how much psychological stress it can cause. Something like 30% of people going through it get diagnosed with clinical depression, many more with seasonal depression. I've been told most people just don't understand this, they can't get their heads around it, and because so few go through it, they can't comprehend why someone would be so sad over such a trivial thing. The death of the dream for children, be it the first or subsequent, really hurts, and we grieve it like we would any other major disappointment in life. Does anyone know what the five stages of grief are? http://en.wikipedia....bler-Ross_model Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance Why is it that I feel when going through this process, that others criticise your faith because you experience these strong emotions? This isn't just a once off isolated thing and about being real just brought it home even more (it's been a very very sub par day). Why is experiencing or making it known that you feel utter grief and sadness so readily seen as a problem with one's faith? Why can't we just say, "I feel just awful, I am so sad" without people questioning whether we are sad because we don't trust Him? I feel like walls are up and the ability to empathise is down... My daughter is lonely and I can't fix that even with the biggest of medical interventions. We have a family living next door, and she sits at the fence we share, trying to cram (with great force) her fingers through the gaps between the fence pailings, reaching out to the kids on the other side because she wants to play (we do try to get her out as much as we can, but that is nothing like having a sibling...). I can see her from the kitchen window where I am and it is heartbreaking every time. I've never hidden 'me', even when I'm sad, I've let it be known. But the flip side to being real is the criticism one receives when honest emotion is seen. Have we forgotten that Jesus, while fully God, was also FULLY MAN? Be real, just be aware that you are swimming against the tide to do so... Rant over, real tears still flowing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 827 Topics Per Day: 0.10 Content Count: 12,101 Content Per Day: 1.49 Reputation: 249 Days Won: 3 Joined: 04/01/2002 Status: Offline Share Posted July 1, 2011 I hear ya, sis. Some think that Christians should not grieve, at least, not for long. It's been 8 years since my son died, and I still grieve him terribly. some think we should just "get over it." Loss is loss, and it's a very intimate, crushing emotion. I don't see infertility any different. The desire for children was put inside us by God. The emotions were too. Sis - I am very sorry for your loss. You cry, you grieve, and you allow the Lord to heal you in His way and in His timing. Don't worry about the ones who think you should do so in theirs. It just doesn't work that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~candice~ Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 955 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 11,318 Content Per Day: 1.88 Reputation: 448 Days Won: 33 Joined: 12/16/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Oh sis I just can't fathom the grief of saying goodbye to my child forever. That is beyond words . I'm sorry you have been through that and I'm sorry too we aren't the only ones grieving. There is a lot of sadness under the veneer in people everywhere, all through the church. This might be TMI, but I'll risk it. I feel like what should be the most joyous period of my life has been stolen from me. The naivety is gone, and I will never know what it feels like to happily look forward in expectation of growing a family. To risk dreaming of another... we will never do that. We don't wonder if we need a bigger car in the future or whether the car seats will fit on or should I throw out those maternity pants or wait a few more months? I'll never have one of those "very happy accidents" and find we've made life. It has been a period of disappointment that has gone on and on and on long after the joke is over and long after I learned to place faith in Him. Gosh, that horrible moment of realisation, when you know there will not be a "Lazarus moment", it's been far more than four days and the dream is dead and will not come back to life again. Thanks for listening trav sorry I got going again. I have a heart for realism, I hate veneer. Jesus wasn't plastic and I'm not going to be either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Littlelambseativy Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 6 Topic Count: 230 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 4,941 Content Per Day: 0.94 Reputation: 2,003 Days Won: 14 Joined: 02/08/2010 Status: Offline Share Posted July 1, 2011 Candice, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through so I will not even try to make comment on that. The only thing that I will say is that for some reason - and you know this already - God has a plan for you other than having a child at this time. God in His infinite wisdom has permitted this. It does not make it easier to bare but I pray that you begin to thank Him for this for even in this it is what He desires from you. He knows your heart and He knows the future. Leave it in His hands and let His will and timing be your peace of mind. Have you thought of adopting and young infant. God may have just the child that He wants you to parent because it is special in His sight and His plan is perfect for both you and the child. I pray that you will trust in His wisdom and guidance for your life and that of just perhaps an infant looking for your love. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~candice~ Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 955 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 11,318 Content Per Day: 1.88 Reputation: 448 Days Won: 33 Joined: 12/16/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Thanks Ivy, but we are ineligible for domestic adoption. International adoption is an option in a few countries (surprisingly few) but we honestly don't have the 20-50k spare to do so, and the wait is about 5 years. Unreal. I have no doubt that He has the power to intervene here if and how He wants. I see this kind of brokenness as a constant reminder of the awful cost of sin entering this world. If everything was roses, would we smell the stench of our own sinfulness? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~Shalhevet~ Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 334 Topics Per Day: 0.06 Content Count: 2,049 Content Per Day: 0.38 Reputation: 120 Days Won: 4 Joined: 08/13/2009 Status: Offline Share Posted July 1, 2011 I'm so sorry you are going through this. That must be so hard. I cannot imagine. May God bless you with more children very soon. I am praying! As far as your daughter being lonely...I have a 4 year old with no siblings and he gets bored pretty often. I wouldn't say that he's lonely but he gets bored for sure. There are benefits to having only one child though. Only children are usually quite successful. They also act more mature because they are hanging out with adults (mom and dad) more than children. My son talks like an adult because we talk like adults. Sometimes I have to remind him that he's only 4 years old. lol Overall he is a very happy kid and I do think he likes being an only child. The only thing that's hard for us is not to spoil him. We have to be careful of that. Again, I'm praying for you to conceive very soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebula Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 10 Topic Count: 5,823 Topics Per Day: 0.75 Content Count: 45,870 Content Per Day: 5.92 Reputation: 1,897 Days Won: 83 Joined: 03/22/2003 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/19/1970 Share Posted July 1, 2011 Candice, I so agree with you! What is it about our society that we think sadness is a problem that needs to be fixed? I have learned that if one feels the need to cry, then it is best to just cry and let the emotions out. Wish I could do this in person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~candice~ Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 955 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 11,318 Content Per Day: 1.88 Reputation: 448 Days Won: 33 Joined: 12/16/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Thanks Neb. Yes I wonder what people would do when confronted with a weeping Jesus? Joh 11:32-38 32 Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. 34 And he said, "Where have you laid him?" They said to him, "Lord, come and see." 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" 37 But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?" 38 Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Pro 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fez Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 683 Topics Per Day: 0.12 Content Count: 11,128 Content Per Day: 1.99 Reputation: 1,352 Days Won: 54 Joined: 02/03/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 12/07/1952 Share Posted July 1, 2011 "There is a time for"........ As to showing and letting people know your emotions. That just shows how healthy your walk is. Hiding stuff like that usually is a sign of something else wrong. You know what I mean, church on Sunday "How are you", "Oh just peaches and cream at the moment thank you", meantime there is a boiling cauldron underneath, that when it explodes, people say "He/She was the last person I expected that from"..... (gossip, gossip ) I had a pastor once who walked into church on a Sunday morning continuing a blazing row with his wife. They both stopped at the door and said "Hey we are not perfect and we are having a domestic, sorry about that, but why hide it. Can one of the elders preach today please". Now panicking elder aside, I for one think that was very honest and healthy. Rant on sister, blow off some steam. We'll catch you..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
~candice~ Posted July 1, 2011 Group: Royal Member Followers: 5 Topic Count: 955 Topics Per Day: 0.16 Content Count: 11,318 Content Per Day: 1.88 Reputation: 448 Days Won: 33 Joined: 12/16/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Thank you Fez I needed that more than you may realise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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