Can a woman divorce an abusive husband?

[sachi]

LIV4HIM2:

this was not the man's first abusive relationship. In my previous marriage, I was at the women's shelter quite a bit, and from talking to the other women in group the story was the same old thing. The man was a habitual abuser. I'm not being judgmental, but speaking from personal experience.

I think you are a very courageous person.

People/women do not leave relationships/marriages without tremendous struggle.

Before a wman leaves, there is a long history of the woman trying to make changes in the family /realtionship to reduce the abuse.

Often she feels responsible for the abuse.

However, you are absolutely correct there is generally nothing a woman can do to MAKE the guy less CONTROLLING & ABUSIVE

But the point I made relates to your response to me above, which I took the liberty to underline.

The habitual abuser NEEDS help.

What he is doing os WRONG; its reprehensible; it is UNACCEPTABLE; and there is NO RELATIONSHIP POSSIBLE WITH AN ABUSIVE PARTNER. NONE. NADA.

But the guy needs help. He is walking time bomb.

We either judge him and walk away or excuse him. But we do not see this as an emotioanl dysfunction; an emotional sickness. It is.

God bless you.

Edited September 18, 2004 by sachi

[sachi]

Domestic violence should never be misread as "disagreement" between a couple.

It involves whole pattern of behavior used by one partner to maintain power and control over the other. These behaviors if not addressed will escalate over time.

One of the KEY red flags is ISOLATION. The controlling partner will isolate the vitimized partner from any means of support or possibility of leaving.

Another red flag is the use of THREATS.

EVERY WOMAN /PERSON IS ENTITLED TO FEEL SAFE IN HER RELATIONSHIP ALL THE TIME.

I like this brief summary of a healthy relationship:

1. I respect the other person feelings ( do not use foul, demeaning language to express frustration and anger )

2. I respect the other persons space ( do not go into her/his stuff without her/his permission

for eg wallet, purse, email, mail, clothing, Bible etc)

3 I respect the other persons body (do not violate or threaten to violate the other person at any time for any reason)

OUR HOMES MUST BE A PLACE WHERE WE ARE FREE TO BE OURSELVES AND OUR SAFETY IS NOT AT RISK

And all abuse is ultimately spiritual abuse, because it keeps us from becoming the person God intended us to be.

The Word of God NEVER o.k.'d hitting your wife.

Peter in fact says:

'Husbands ...treat your wives with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life." (IPeter 3;7)

Paul says "husbands love your wives as Christ loves the Church and gave His life for her..."

That is sacrificial love -

There is NO MARRIAGE POSSIBLE when there is PHYSICAL ABUSE.

It violates the core of who the person is. It violates the sacrament of marriage.

The abuser NEEDS HELP.

Until he is healthy the couple should stay separated, if he is willing to get help.

If he is not. permanent separation or divorce are the only option.

Edited September 18, 2004 by sachi

[georgesbluegirl]

Agreed Sachi...the response to the above question should ALWAYS be YES.

[Guest Dolores]

Thank you all for your response! I will not say I never did wrong in this abusive marriage, but I will say I did look to the Lord to heal the marriage and I did look to my church, pastor and friends.

My husband was prince charming while we dated, but soon as the honeymoon was over and we came home things all changed, then I got pregnant with our son and things got even worse, it was and to thios day like a bad dream I couldnt wake from.

Things that happened to me in this marriage shouldnt ever happen to any woman! and now I'm dealing with my soon to be ex trying to take our son from me,since he has the money he may win.

Still I know God knows all and I will have to remember he controls all and stay strong for my son.

If this man had our son I know it would be aweful.....not that he doesnt love him no I wont say that, but my son's Father wont put our son first he wont even be the one that would care for him because his work keeps him away from home 5 days a week.

Please pray God keeps my son safe and gives me wisdom in this.

Thank you,

Dolores

[Kabowd]

I spent much of my life in Africa...

What does being in Africa have to do with this? Very often when ppl post things on message boards looking for advice, you will only see "their side". Most of the time (especially with serious matters) we need to avoid interrogating someone and assume they are posting the truth until they give us a reason to doubt their word.

...so I like to hear all sides to such an important subject before giving my opinion on it.

I'll be looking forward to hearing your opinion once we've heard from her husband, son and pastor then.

Perhaps Dolores should ask her pastor to post here, rather than going over his head when she didn't like his answer.

1. You are minimizing the seriousness of her situation and making an assumption about what she may "feel". Whether she did or did not like her pastor's answer is irrelevent.

2. Based on what we know (which as you said..is all we have to go on) what her pastor said lacked grace and a clear understanding of God's design for marriage.

3. Posting on a message board seeking help does not constitute "going over his head". She did not mention his name, the church's name or slander him in any way.

Sometimes we need to worry less about "sides" and tend to the need at hand. Having a condescending attitude (which you display) towards someone who is hurting lacks grace and love.

[apothanein kerdos]

She asked a question and it was answered. How she applies that is her own business Tim.

[Guest Dolores]

No, the bible doesn't say that its a sin to leave a husband, the bible says the sin starting a new relationship after you left.

No, your are wrong. A divorced woman or a widow has the right to remarry in the Bible.

If what the lady says is true (and we've only heard one side) she has the right to divorce and remarry. It should be as a last resort, though. In some cultures, like some Latin cultures, the women can provoke a beating or two to get attention. I spent much of my life in Africa so I like to hear all sides to such an important subject before giving my opinion on it. Perhaps Dolores should ask her pastor to post here, rather than going over his head when she didn't like his answer.

What the Lord has shown me thus far in this is....The one true judge is the Lord God, and that people no matter how wise are still human and fall short and make mistakes.

By Gods grace I'm able to forgive and move forward, my strength is not my own but a gift from God. I know many who have walked though thing I never could, I do know God will use me if I look to him.

I woukd like to see christian based abuse shelters....its heart breaking to know that we have more animal shelters then we do shelters to protect woman and children.

[apothanein kerdos]

No, the bible doesn't say that its a sin to leave a husband, the bible says the sin starting a new relationship after you left.

No, your are wrong. A divorced woman or a widow has the right to remarry in the Bible.

If what the lady says is true (and we've only heard one side) she has the right to divorce and remarry. It should be as a last resort, though. In some cultures, like some Latin cultures, the women can provoke a beating or two to get attention. I spent much of my life in Africa so I like to hear all sides to such an important subject before giving my opinion on it. Perhaps Dolores should ask her pastor to post here, rather than going over his head when she didn't like his answer.

What the Lord has shown me thus far in this is....The one true judge is the Lord God, and that people no matter how wise are still human and fall short and make mistakes.

By Gods grace I'm able to forgive and move forward, my strength is not my own but a gift from God. I know many who have walked though thing I never could, I do know God will use me if I look to him.

I woukd like to see christian based abuse shelters....its heart breaking to know that we have more animal shelters then we do shelters to protect woman and children.

Perhaps God has placed upon you a calling through this expirience?

[Guest xcarpjs]

Moses instituted divorce in the old testament because mean were abusing the clause the allowed them to reprimand their wives and they would go so far as to abuse them and even kill them. So, he used it to preserve their safety and well-being. The men were wrong, and it was instituted for those men who did not see the need to change, if this is the case, and your husband showed no desire for change, then feel no guilt about your reaction, it is still wrong, but God understands and he will forigve and restore you, now, just pray for the restoration of your now ex-husband, i know it has to be hard, i am so sorry for your losses.

Enjoy the journey!!