Guest dorijr Posted November 29, 2004 Share Posted November 29, 2004 Hi! My name is Jennifer and I am a divorced mother of two. I am in a relationship with a man with whom i am not married to. We have a son together and I have a six year old daughter from my previous marriage. He also has a daughter who is fourteen. We have been together for five years now. He asked me to marry him four years ago. We finally set a date for april 2005. We have had some problems with disiplining the children aand I personally and alot of other people think he is too hard on my child and not hard enough on his. I have asked him not to spank her anymore and he is still doing it.He says that he doesn't want anything to do with her if he can't disipline her. Her father is hardly in the picture so she sees him as her dad. She knows she has another dad but,she calls them both her dad. His daughter comes over every other weekend or whenever she wants really.But I have been having a problem with her also. My daughter aggravates her and I get on to my daughter and tell her to leave her alone. My daughter has finally started listening to me. But not too long ago she was trying to play fight with his daughter cause they do that sometimes. Anyways his daughter slapped my child in the face and left a red mark. I got really upset because she is alot bigger than my child and I have told her to come and tell me if she does something to her. She in the past has hit my child back several times and I end up getting on to the both of them and my fiance doesn't let his daughter know that she is wrong for hitting instead he lets her think that it is ok. I have been leaving and going to my mothers house when his daughter comes over because of all this. Well over the thanksgiving holidays she came to my mothers house and my child and her cousins we're running and chasing eachother and my daughter accidentally stepped on her foot.(I know this because there was an unbiased person in the room at the time)Well my daughter went to say she was sorry and his daughter took both of her hands and pushed my child and she made her hit her head on a disc drive that someone was holding and she started crying. Well I started to get on to my daughter for not appologizing(cause I assumed she didn't) and the person who saw it let me know that she did say sorry. So I instead began to get onto her,well instead of her father backing me up on this he says that my child is being overdramatic. That was besides the point. My childs head did hurt. I just really don't know what to do in this situation anymore! But I cannot allow it to continue. I have told him that we have to go to counseling if we are going to get married and that his daughter needs to go with us. I really feel like she hates my child. And he said that she didn't have like my child and that they don't have to be friends. He is condoning her behaviour and not my childs behaviour .And he does this in front of his child and it is sending a message to my child that she is a lower person than his daughter. It is causing my child problems mentally. His daughter also is a real smartelic to me and to him and anyone around her. I get onto her for it but he allows it. I talk to him about it and he starts yelling at me. I wonder if counseling will even work at this point!! Any advice would help!! Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Budman Posted November 29, 2004 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 75 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 407 Content Per Day: 0.06 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/09/2004 Status: Offline Share Posted November 29, 2004 Hi Jennifer, If you have a Pastor, I suggest you take this problem to him. If not, a professional counselor may be able to help you. But, in my opinion... I think you need to sit this guy down, without any of the kids around, and say flat out: "I have something very important I need to discuss with you. It is important enough that I am thinking of leaving this relationship unless we can resolve it. If you think the relationship is worth saving, you will sit there and listen, without interrupting me, until I have finished." Then proceed to tell him everything you have written in your post. I know you don't want to be married and still have this problem, so if he brushes you off, or yells at you, or refuses to deal with this issue, I think it would be best if you called off the wedding. It may take that for him to realize that you really are serious. warm regards -bud Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
other one Posted November 29, 2004 Group: Worthy Ministers Followers: 29 Topic Count: 599 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 56,262 Content Per Day: 7.56 Reputation: 27,991 Days Won: 271 Joined: 12/29/2003 Status: Offline Share Posted November 29, 2004 Another thought is that if you have to do something like threaten the relationship to get his attention, I am not sure I would want to be in that kind of relationship either. It will not get better when your married has been what I have seen with all my acquaintances.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithfulFollower Posted November 29, 2004 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 22 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 349 Content Per Day: 0.05 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 07/18/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/14/1984 Share Posted November 29, 2004 Dorijr, As has been said before the best thing to be done would be to sit your significant other down and have a serious one on one discussion with him. The direction of this relationship is not at all healthy if both children cannot be treated as members of the same family especailly seeing as this man wishes for your hand. Even seek the aid of a pastor if not a counselor so as to help work things out between the two of you, but first as has been advised before, discuss this with your soon to be husband. Also pray for the relationship not only between yourself and this man, but also that of the one between him and your daughter as well as the family as a unit. Hope that things turn out alright one way or another. God Bless With Love In Christ, Danielle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
refugepsa91 Posted November 30, 2004 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 331 Topics Per Day: 0.04 Content Count: 5,961 Content Per Day: 0.76 Reputation: 61 Days Won: 0 Joined: 10/25/2002 Status: Offline Share Posted November 30, 2004 I come from an extended family. My dad was married before my mom and I have two 1/2 sisters. It could be that alot of this girls behavior is coming from her mother. Your husband is feeling the pressure to be the "favorite parent" and not the "bad guy" Hows the relationship between him and the mother of this child? Just something to talk about. If his and the mother of his child are on bad terms then your going to have a really rough road ahead of you, if they have unsloved issues and anger they need to work it out too. Do you see where I am coming from? Now this is just from my experience on the side that your daughter is on, only diff is that my dad is my real dad. Just something to think about k Love and Blessings, Angel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dorijr Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 I come from an extended family. My dad was married before my mom and I have two 1/2 sisters. It could be that alot of this girls behavior is coming from her mother. Your husband is feeling the pressure to be the "favorite parent" and not the "bad guy" Hows the relationship between him and the mother of this child? Just something to talk about. If his and the mother of his child are on bad terms then your going to have a really rough road ahead of you, if they have unsloved issues and anger they need to work it out too. Do you see where I am coming from? Now this is just from my experience on the side that your daughter is on, only diff is that my dad is my real dad. Just something to think about k Love and Blessings, Angel <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dorijr Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Thank you for the advice. It was very helpful!! There is no way of taking to him it aways hits a sore note!! I am going to try counseling ad go from there. Hopefully it will work!!Thanks so much!!Hi Jennifer, If you have a Pastor, I suggest you take this problem to him. If not, a professional counselor may be able to help you. But, in my opinion... I think you need to sit this guy down, without any of the kids around, and say flat out: "I have something very important I need to discuss with you. It is important enough that I am thinking of leaving this relationship unless we can resolve it. If you think the relationship is worth saving, you will sit there and listen, without interrupting me, until I have finished." Then proceed to tell him everything you have written in your post. I know you don't want to be married and still have this problem, so if he brushes you off, or yells at you, or refuses to deal with this issue, I think it would be best if you called off the wedding. It may take that for him to realize that you really are serious. warm regards -bud <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dorijr Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Thank you all so much for your advice!! I set up an appointment with a christian counsellor today but we won't be able to see him until january. But, it's the first step. My fiance has been divorced from his ex for about twelve years. You would think that they would be able to talk to eachother better than they do but, they don't. So the answer to angel question is that there is trouble in that area. Both parents call eachother names in front of her! Which I have told him that it is causing her problems by doing this. And he does not listen to me he keeps doing this!! I have tried lots of things without counselling and it hasn't worked! I told him when i first noticed it getting bad to take his daughter and go spend some quality time with her and he doesn't do it. My children and I go to church regularly and he and his daughter won't go with me. Well he has gone about three times with me. That has caused alot of problems too. When I first met him he went o church. Then we got together and we went a few times and then he didnt want to go. Another problem is her mother let her boyfriend move in with her because his father was abusive to him. Now on the weekends he comes with her and my fiance lets him spend the night. He is in another room but, it is still crazy!! I told him how I feel about it and it just doesn't matter. you all please pray for me and my family. May gods will be done in our lives. I feel really guilty because we have not been very good role models. With us not being married and all. Not only that her mother is living a gay lifestyle and has a different girlfriend most of the time. I Love all these kids and I don't want them to have the problems i see on the way. So just pray for us thanks a whole lot everyone!! god bless!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Christian Soldier Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 I assume that you are living with this guy? Still, his daughter should not be hitting yours period. Physical violence begats only more physical violence and it's battery plain and simple. I'd kick him to the curb. He's not going to change and by marrying him you are justifying his behavior. Look at how you described his relationship with his ex and you are hoping things will get better? You can find someone who will treat you and your daughter in a more civil fashion. He only seems to care about correcting your child and not about correcting his own child's behavior. Get rid of the bum. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dorijr Posted November 30, 2004 Share Posted November 30, 2004 Thanks for the reply! That is what I am afraid of her continuing to hit my child scares me. Cause i see it getting worse myself. She doesn't hit her all the time but,once is enough. It should not happen. We have a child together so it makes it a little harder to leave!! I am going to do the counselling and see where that goes. If that doesn't work then i Will have to leave. Thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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