Fed up with wife!

[carlos123]

Hi everyone,

I have not posted to this board in a while and am looking for some Christian input regarding the situation with my wife. I am so fed up with her that I can barely stand to be around her. That is how I feel even though the Lord last night reminded me about the need to love my wife as Christ loves the church and even though today in discussions with another brother He gave me some additional lthoughts on the power of love.

I know what I should be doing but every time I am around her she pushes my buttons the wrong way or else mistreats me and I end up reacting to her and not in a very loving or mature way.

Just tonight she ended up giving away something that was mine to use in a business that I ran in the summer. By itself it wasn't much. Two pieces of posterboard. Hardly worth having an argument over. But I resented the fact that she ended up not even asking me about it or telling me. She just up and gave them away. Why? Because she thought it was no big deal and because it would not bother her if I gave away something so insignificant that was hers. When I tried to explain to her that I wanted some space in the house where I could keep my stuff away from being thrown out, given away, or otherwise however worthless something seemed to her she responded by saying that she felt there was no place in the house that she should be left out of. And from there it went straight down hill. Of course this is a condensed version of what happened but that's the gist of it.

I jsut don't trust her anymore. It's a long story but I am just looking for some Christian input as to what to do. I am so fed up with her. I am stuck working to support her despite how she treats me and I want out. Away from her. Not divorce. I know that is wrong by God but away from her.

I want to do what God wants in terms of loving her but I just don't seem to have it in me. Every single time I start drawing closer to God she pulls me down. Without fail.

And as much as I may want to love when I get around her and she pulls stuff like tonight I just react and do not act in a Christlike manner. I know better but I just can't seem to love her. I just don't have it in me to choose love with her. Instead I jsut want to get away from her. Big time.

Any input, enouragement, or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am embarrased to have to bring this up given that I am a Christian but I need to let this out and start talking with other Christians about it. I am beginiing to draw near to God again after a time of having fallen away and don't want to backslide more but at the same time I find myself utterly frustrated with my wife and am not quite sure how to replace the frustration and hurt feelings with love.

If this is the wrong board to be discussing this in public please accept my apologies and ignore this post. I would prefer to discuss this in private but I figured it would be best to just get it out and get some quick input from His Body than to just continue to sit and stew on this. At least for now.

Thanks.

Carlos

[larryt]

Hi Carlos,

The saying "you can't live with them and you can't live without them" seems to ring true to many in the world. I did not notice what your wife's relation to the Lord is, as that can have a bearing on what advise you need.

Generally speaking, women need to have a strong "head" (1Cor. 11:3) to feel secure. Not someone who is trying to "lord" over them but one to cover them and protect them spiritually speaking.

Keep in mind that since you are a believer, all things work together FOR your good (Rom. 8:28), and you can be confident that God is using the situation to conform you to Jesus Christ.

Let me know if I can help.

LT

[carlos123]

I did not notice what your wife's relation to the Lord is...

She is a Christian. There is no question of that in my mind as a result of conversations I have had with her in the past and hearing about some of the things that she has done and stood for in times past. She believes in Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.

I just don't understand how she can still be going to church like she does but yet treat me the way she does. But then again I guess the same can be said of me from her end.

Generally speaking, women need to have a strong "head" (1Cor. 11:3) to feel secure.  Not someone who is trying to "lord" over them but one to cover them and protect them spiritually speaking.

I am definitely a strong head. When I say that I don't neccessarily mean that in a good way. I mean more as in strong willed overbearing head. For sure that is a weakness of mine and not what the Lord would have me be like. But my tendency to be that way does not give her an excuse to treat me as she does.

In some Christian circles there seems to be a belief that women can get away with being less than what God wants them to be if their husbands are not the epitome of godliness in following the Lord. I don't believe that is Scriptural at all.

My wife has told me at times that she is to walk in submission to me as her husband if and only if I am walking in submission to God. I see that as an excuse to sin. Not that I am walking around demanding her to submit or some such thing (though my wife might say differently) but what my wife is thinking in this is an example of the kind of view that I do not believe is Scriptural.

I am not excusing any lack of godliness in my own life. For sure I need to grow but I just can't stomach being around her anymore. Most often these days I just try to stay away from her to let her do her own thing unless she steps on my toes at whcih point I say something.

I feel like a little kid in saying all this. It sounds so childish in some ways but that is the way it is. I don't want it to be that way and it is that way to my shame but I'm not sure how to change it exactly. I suppose choice is a big part of it. Whether I feel like it or not I need to choose to love. But so often I get so angry at her that any desire to choose love flies out the window.

Afterwards I feel bad but the damage is done.

Keep in mind that since you are a believer, all things work together FOR your good (Rom. 8:28), and you can be confident that God is using the situation to conform you to Jesus Christ.

Let me know if I can help.

Thanks LT. Even if my situation might be too involved to discuss things fully on this thread I appreciate your encouragement. It helps just to know that I can talk about it somewhere as on this board. If nothing else you can always pray for me.

Carlos

[Green Darner]

Rom 12:12

Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer; (KJV)

1 Pet 5:7

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. (KJV)

I have found that the more time I spend in prayer for my DH the sweeter he gets I use to feel that I had to nag a lot but now I try to voice my concerns to the Lord first and He does a better job than I ever could in softening my DH. Now, our marriage is much more peaceful, and dare I say romantic

If you need inspiration for your prayers try the book "The Power of a Praying Husband" by Stormy Omartin. There are specific prayers in there to get you started.

I have found prayer to be the MOST effective thing in improving our marriage.

[Leonard]

Praying for you guys. Get into some counseling with your Pastor. He probably can be of great assistance in the situation.

[Paul]

I agree that you need to speak to your pastor. It sounds as if you are argueing over the symptoms and not the real issue. It seems as though there is something that has taken root and you can't get past. Remember that you love her and seek to find the common ground that made you two fall in love in the first place, God Bless

[carlos123]

Thanks you all for your input. I very much appreciate it. I have calmed down and am thinking a bit clearer this morning.

A couple of thoughts if I may.....

It seems evident that there is simply too much going on for me to adequately express it on a forum thread. For example in addition to my marriage woes I am not currently involved in a church with a pastor . It's a long story but in short I absolutely cannot stand going to typical Sunday church. I say that only to give some clue as to why I am not involved in your typical Sunday church with a pastor, a choir, and a Sunday school.

Be that as it may I can certainly call around and see if I can talk to a pastor or church counselor somewhere. I will do that though it does seem a bit unfair to hope for counseling from a pastor without being involved in their church.

On another note....

I am a bit disappointed in the input in the sense that I have always seen the Body as adequately equipped to instruct one another. Something which doesn't seem to be happening here. Instead I am being advised to go to a pastor or to pray more or lessr.

I can understand and I appreciate the fact that a pastor may have the spiritual maturity and wisdom to know how to counsel me better and more fully in person. But it has also been my very real experience that most pastors (at least one's I have gotten to know somewhat and met in person) should not be pastors to begin with and were "called" as such in ways and through means (such as votes cast on the basis of how they preach, etc..) that totally bypass any considerattion of their character (the foremost and only qualification to be a pastor in the New Teatament). I guess what I am saying is that getting input from a pastor will not involve just talking to the first one that says okay but also having to take the time to find a decent one.

I needed input more quickly than such would have taken and am somewhat disappointed that I was adviced to do the very thing which I did not have time to do as my need felt somewhat more immediate. At least last night.

I also appreciate the input to pray. Always right on. But to advise me to pray without giving me practical input on what to do specifically is like telling someone who is drowning that he/she should pray (while they continue to drown). In other words I am undoubtedly blinded by some things in my own life as to how I communicate or interact with my wife that may be causing her to react as she does. That I should pray is a given but perhaps I should pray that God might open a door to help me find someone who might give me practical input on how to communicate better. Better yet perhaps someone could give me input on how to communicate better.

Perhaps I have stepped on some toes through what I have said and I am sorry if I have. That has not been my intention. I am not at all unappreciative of the advice given but at the same time I feel a little bit like Job must have felt when his well meaning friends gave him advice that didn't quite seem to cut it or help him out of his predicament.

And that's olay. God knows what He is doing. I believe that. And He is undoubtedly using all this for my good as LT mentioned. If nothing else I see how he is using the frustration of dealing with my wife to get me to interact more fully with His Body. And that is certainly a good thing .

Carlos

[ayin jade]

Welcome Carlos,

I can appreciate how difficult this was for you to come forward and expose yourself this way. God bless you for this.

That said, yes, you know the injunction not to divorce your wife. I may be wrong, but I suspect a lot of this has to do with your own self now, not so much her. You mentioned that your walk with the Lord has fallen back a bit. This may sound cliche to you, but if you put the Lord first in your life, everything else falls into place. My advice, seek Christian counseling, alone and together. Focus on trying to repair the marriage. Focus on rebuilding your relationship with the Lord. Pray, attend bible studies, go to church. Please rebuild that relationship. When you are walking with the Lord again, love follows. You may find yourself looking at your wife in a whole new light. As far as prayer...pray that the Lord soften your heart, that He heals the wounds you have. Pray that He shows you the good things in your wife, the things that you fell in love with in the first place. Pray for restoration in your marriage. Yes, even pray that you repent for feeling this way.

It isnt easy Carlos, but it is worth it. We all have ups and downs in our marriages. Commit to the long haul, and you will get through this low point. I wish I had an easy answer for you, a quick fix for things. This is a large problem which cant be solved in one day. It will take time and a committment on your part.

I hope you find the peace in your marriage again.

God bless

[refugepsa91]

carlos,

I'm gonna step out on a limb here....you really should get your own space in the home. I'm sorry I don't see anything wrong with that. A place where you can put your "stuff" and not worry about it being thrown out. Bear with me here for a sec ok? And I'll try to explain how well this works...(using my parents as an example) My mother will clean the house and anything that she doesn't know what it is or what its for she throws out. My dad is an antique gun collector and he had 3 screws setting on his bedside table for one of them, well my mom went in there to clean and threw them out...he was so angry...she just didn't see it as a big deal and said "Oh you can just get more" But you see he can't...they are not something he can just order..he will have to have them specially fitted and made. My dad tended to see this as disrespect for his things. My mom just couldn't see what the big deal was all about.

Now if you have your own space it is imperative that you don't lock her out of it...no rules that she can't go in there at all...that will be seen that you are blocking her out...the only rule my dad has is that mom is not allowed to go in there to clean and she can't throw anything away from that room. Now it works fine for my parents. And if you approach it the right way with your wife I'm sure she will understand...just tell her your not shutting her out. If she has a hobbey or enjoyment maybe make her own space too.

Try to keep reminding yourself why you married her...there was love there in the beginning. But unresolved issues can cloud that memory. Start by sitting down and making a list (in your head or on paper) of what attracted you to her in the first place. Everything you love about her...even if its the way she smiles...the way she sweeps the floor etc....you can have her do the same. I know this sounds weird but my hubby and I did this...its time to start to focus on what was positive about your marriage for a while. I find that if I start out with a compliment when trying to resolve something with my hubby it works alot better.

Take a trip down memory lane so to speak.

Always discuss your problems without berating the other person...for example...I'll use your posterboard....I appreciate all you do around here I really do, and I needed that board so next time could you please ask me if its ok to get rid of it. I know your problems may go alot deeper than a piece of posterboard but I'm just trying to give a small example here

I'll say again I agree with you getting your space in the house. A office area or something. But as I said above just do not lock her out of it.

I hope this will help in some small way.

Love and Blessings,

Angel

[carlos123]

Praise the Lord for your all's further input. Good stuff!

It seems that I am not crazy or un-Christian for wanting my own space after all . And it seems obvious to me that I went too far in trying to make this point to my wife. I did literally threaten to lock her out when she started to think my need for such was overblown and a bit silly. Of course my statements to that affect also had the wonderul effect of having her tell me that she would knock the door down .

Tit for tat like two kids in a pod!

When you are walking with the Lord again, love follows. You may find yourself looking at your wife in a whole new light. As far as prayer...pray that the Lord soften your heart, that He heals the wounds you have. Pray that He shows you the good things in your wife, the things that you fell in love with in the first place. Pray for restoration in your marriage. Yes, even pray that you repent for feeling this way.

Good stuff Ayin Jade. Although you have given me the advice to pray again your advice has indeed been practical in suggesting some things to pray about. What you say is definitely the crux of the matter.

God is love and as I get into right relationship with God and yield to Him love will inevitably follow. Valid point and I know this to be true.

I definitely need to look at my wife in a new light. I just can't love her through the mirror of how I see her now. To be frank I am incredibly fed up with women and their emotiions through all this and I probably have some repenting to do there too.

I definitely need to have the Lord soften my heart toward her. For right now it is rock hard.

I definitely need to have Him heal my wounds for I have been wounded time and time again.

I find the last statement in the above quote interesting Ayin. That I repent for feeling as I do.

I have generally seen feelings as not something you repent from. They just are. I can repent from wrong thinking and wrong choices but I guess I have never really considered it very possible to repent from wrong feelings. That's interesting. I will have to think about that some. Likewise the thought of praying that I repent seems a bit ackward from a spiritual standpoint given that I have always seen God laying the responsibility to repent squarely on our shoulders. I suppose you might have meant for me to pray that God might help me get to the point of repenting which certainly can't hurt but if I need to repent then I should do so.

Can you elaborate more on what I need to repent from? Feel free to tell it like it is. I want to learn and get over this situation in our marriage and there is no question that there are things I should repent from though I sometimes don't see very clearly what I should repent about.

The bad feelings are definitely a problem but these bad feelings are caused by things that I am believing or holding on to in my heart. It would seem that those are the things that must be brought to the surface and repented from. Until that happens the bad feelings are most likely going to stick around and make it very difficult if not impossible to love my wife.

Carlos