Fed up with wife!

[Charisse48]

Dear Carlos,

My heart breaks for your marriage. My husband and I went through some christian counseling some years back. You don't need to go to a church pastor. There are very good christian counselors out there.

I guess I would say that first of all you see a problem in the marriage, your half way there!! Most couples live like this for many years and don't address it. My question to you would be is, do you want the love you use to feel for your wife? The desire has to be there, and yes you can fall in love again. It takes both of you to commit to it. You both brought issues to your marriage. It can be extremely helpful to see some one that can help you through this. My husband and I could not talk about our issues without fighting, it was so helpful to have a third party there.

I don't remember if you said but have you sat your wife down and told her you feel your marriage is in trouble? I can tell you for sure that what your fighting about is not the real issue. You have to be willing to open yourself up all the way and your wife the same, to save your marriage. It is always easier to give up. I can also tell you that the divorce rate is at 85 % for second marriages. Not that your thinking about this, but you have to understand, you will be bringing your issues to the next person without resolving them. I know for me that at first, I felt like it was mostly my husbands fault, I was wrong and a counselor helped me see that.

I can tell you that I use to cringe when I saw my husband before, not anymore, I love him more today then I ever did. Are you willing to do the work to get your marriage back?

Char

Ps, I pray my post does not come across to strong Carlos, I don't know you and your wife. I can only share my experiences. I have read as much of all the posts but suffer from a cond that leaves me very dizzy in trying to read all the words. I will keep you both in my prayers, this can happen to any of us and I was in the same boat myself. My best to your quest in saving your marriage Carlos.

Edited December 14, 2004 by Charisse48

[angels4u]

Hi Carlos,

I did read a little of all the conversations and wonder why you still want to walk in the house with your boots on?

If this is such a big deal for her just take them off?

There are so many things a man can do to show his appreciation, ask her to go to a movie or buy her her favorite chocolate ( A BIG BOX) not a cheepy to show she's worth it.

A lot of those things might not mean a lot to you but to her they will, they show you went out of your way to take time to think what would make her happy and she will appreciate you do that for her.

For her to be able to love you again, she needs time to build the trust again forget about the arguing with her for awhile and if its hard for her to love you, keep your distance a little bit.

She might not trust your kiss.

She has to feel she's special to you.

She needs to know that you care for her for who she is and not for what she can give you.

I think things will work out slowly if you take it one day at the time, but don't rush her and put expextations on her...

Hopes this helps....Angels

[carlos123]

My heart breaks for your marriage. My husband and I went through some christian counseling some years back. You don't need to go to a church pastor. There are very good christian counselors out there.

Thanks for your expression of deep feeling for my marriage Char. That's very sweet of you.

Just as a side not it absolutely, never endingly amazes me how much a sheep like mentality has crept into the Church these days. We view pastors as we view angels. Able to leap tall buildings and counsel us out of all our problems when they are but just men. We all have the same Holy Spirit in us and if God be in each of us, there is not a one of us who cannot counsel each other if we are open to God working through us.

It is God that enables us to do any spiritual good at all. Not Bible degrees. Not counselor training. Not even doctorates of psychology. I'll take a lowly and somewhat dim whitted Peter any day over a Reverend Doctor of Divinity. If the Lord Almighty spoke through an ass to Balaam then He can certainly speak through the lowliest one among us to encourage and strenghten and counsel each other.

If the Spirit is that of God who is all and does all within us then it is NOT the man or woman but Him who works all things through that man or woman that matters. And if ALL of us Christians have Him we have all we need in Him, in His Body and through His Word to be able to accomplish all that pertains to life and godliness.

This is one of those things that REALLY irks me about your typical Sunday church. Where we give lip service to the all sufficiency of our Almighty God but live as though we must sorround ourselves with proffesional pastors, psychologists, counselors, and everyone and anyone who will help us out of our problems. WE are in His Body and according to the Word we are all competent to instruct one another as we walk out His life in us.

Sorry Char but I get so irritated with the sheep mentality that is in the Church. What you said about not needing a pastor, which I wholeheartedly agree with, reminded me of that.

...My question to you would be is, do you want the love you use to feel for your wife?

Well I've never been much of a feely person. I never really "felt" love for my wife. I chose to love her and I did and do love her. But for me it's not a feeling. It's a choice. Sometimes that feeling has been there. More often lately it has not been. But I can't recall every doing things to get any feeling, that I don't presently have, back. Feeling or no feeling is really not of much consideration for me though feelings are much more important to my wife, being a woman of course .

The desire has to be there, and yes you can fall in love again. It takes both of you to commit to it.

I understand what you are saying Char but I view things a bit differently I think. I have never "fallen" into love with my wife such that I could then "fall" out of love with her. I use that term, falling in love, when speaking with unbelievers and even other Christians to avoid having to explain myself at length as to what I mean.

I never "fell" in love with my wife. As in getting all googlie eyed and overwhelmed with emotion for her. I wanted to love her, and asked her to marry me so that we could both more fully express love to each other in a relationship centered on the Lord. Certainly there were feelings but the feelings were the least of my concerns when I married her and are of little weight at the present in terms of my wanting to stay with her or not because I either have feelings for her or because I don't.

I choose to love my wife. Not because she is that lovable right now. Not because I even love her as in thinking she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. She's not. But I want to learn to love her as Christ loves the Church. As a choice of my will in submission to God. I love ice cream. I see no fault in ice cream when I am eating it. I love sweets. I think they are great. I do not love my wife the same way. I see lots of faults in her. I don't love her per se. I choose to love her.

I've always had a bit of trouble with telling my wife I love her as if I love everything about her and can't live without her. That's simply not true. I don't love everything about my wife. I can certainly live without her. I don't want to live wihtout her but I can if I must. And yes I love her because Christ loves her. But I don't LOVE everything about my wife. There's a lot that is not very lovable. That's for sure.

I guess I have to think through some of this more. There are so many terms that we use today that don't make any sense when contrasted with the Biblical definition of love. We love a dog and we love our wife! Huh? How can we love our dog the way we love our wife? We fall in love and we fall out of love! Goodness gracious .... if God loved us the way most of us love each other I don't think there would be any hope at all .

You both brought  issues to your marriage.  It can be extremely helpful to see some one that can help you through this. My husband and I  could not talk about our issues without fighting, it was so helpful to have a third party there.

Indeed it is helpful. Now if we could only find a Christian third party who wouldn't go charging us $30.00-50.00 an hour to let us talk to them while they listen and go "Yes I understand how you feel.." every once in a while . To be sure our counselors of the past, that we have paid good money have said more than that and have generally been very helpful but whose got $30-50 dollars an hour laying around? We ran out of money for counseling a long time ago.

    I don't remember if you said but have you sat your wife down and told her you feel your marriage is in trouble?

Oh yeah! We both know it and have said so. But we have almost settled into just living with a troubled marriage as a way of life.

I can tell you for sure that what your fighting about is not the real issue. You have to be willing to open yourself up all the way and your wife the same, to save your marriage.

I appreciate your kind suggestions Char but both me and my wife are VERY open. I mean look at how open I have been on this thread. That's how open and even more I am with my wife. And she generally, though less so I think, with me.

It is always easier to give up. I can also tell you that the divorce rate is at 85 % for second marriages. Not that your thinking about this, but you have to understand, you will be bringing your issues to the next person without resolving them.

That statistic could be true for many but not neccessarily for one's who entered into their marriage because of Christ at the center. We did. As for bringing issues to the next person without resolving them I think that's hightly overexaggerated in marriage circles as a reason that people have trouble. Every single person on the face of this Earth brings issues into a marriage that have not been resolved from their childhood, from their relationships in life. So yeah, there are unresolved issues but I don't think they are more problematic because this is her second marriage and my first.

We knew there were issues when we married. We just didn't realize how much the issues that we knew from our childhood and from our respective backgrounds would cause problems in our marriage . We could have been two singles and gotten married and it wouldn't have made a smidgeon of difference in terms of our having to struggle with issues that were in our lives from way back before either one of us even thought of marriage to anyone.

I know for me that at first, I felt like it was mostly my husbands fault, I was wrong and a counselor helped me see that.

Praise God for said couselor. Personally Char I think wives are very often wrong and don't see it. In our modern feminist leaning society the men usually get ostracised and expected to love and to be all things they should be while the women seem to be allowed to be weak and emotional and a bit out of whack because well...they are women and that's okay type of thing.

  I can tell you that I use to cringe when I saw my husband before, not anymore, I love him more today then I ever did.

That's wonderful Char! Truly!

Char said: Are you willing to do the work to get your marriage back? (sorry about the lack of official quote but it seems I have reached my limit on quotes in a post ).

Ah that is the question is it not? Yes I am willing to work at my marriage. But not to get it back. Because God wants me to. If I get it back that is cream on top. If I don't the Lord wants me to work on my marriage anyway as an expression of my love for Him. He has entrusted me with my wife and daughter and He wants me to love them. And yes I am willing to do that out of consciousness toward God. But getting it back so to speak is out of my hands. I can only work on me in terms of learning to love. To love to get a marriage back is not love at all. At least not unconditional love of the kind the Lord showed on the cross.

Quote:

I pray my post does not come across to strong Carlos, I don't know you and your wife. I can only share my experiences. I have read as much of all the posts but suffer from a cond that leaves me very dizzy in trying to read all the words.

End Quote

Your post was absolutely fine Char and an encouraging one. I thank you for it! Though I probably should have written less words in response lest you get dizzy reading this long post. Were you kidding or serious about getting dizzy?

Quote:

I will keep you both in my prayers, this can happen to any of us and I was in the same boat myself. My best to your quest in saving your marriage Carlos.

End Quote:

Thanks very much for your prayers Char. I really appreciate that. As for my quest to save my marriage....well....considering that I am not on such a quest.... I would prefer your best to my quest to draw nearer to God and to learn to love as He loves me .

Have a great night Char.

Carlos

PS. Anyone want to nominate me for the longest post? . Or how about the most quotes in a post? I mean where else but on a forum like this one can a writer in hiding freely express himself? I suppose I could start a blog and call it "Husbandry 101" or something . Or better yet call it "Fed up with wife!" such that the Lord could use it to attract all the husbands feeling like that only to find themselves confronted with the need to follow God and love their wives. . That's a thought!

[carlos123]

I did read a little of all the conversations and wonder why you still want to walk in the house with your boots on?

Because I am a man and feel that taking my boots off every time I come into the house is akin to a woman having to take off her ktchen apron every time she leaves the kitchen A bit silly in either case.

If this is such a big deal for her just take them off?

It's a big deal for her because she is being unreasonable I think. And as a rational and thinking man I do not want to support or uphold unreasonableness

There are so many things a man can do to show his appreciation, ask her to go to a movie or buy her her favorite chocolate ( A BIG BOX) not a cheepy to show she's worth it.

Well .... my movie going has not always been very romantic. I remember asking one of my first dates in college if she wanted to go see the movie "Dr. Strangelove ... or How I Stopped Worrying and Started Loving the Bomb". I thought it was a blast though I seem to remember that she didn't quite know what to say

In all seriousness Angels your advise is right on and I appreciate your input. Please excuse my wise cracks....

Carlos

Edited December 15, 2004 by carlos123

[Charisse48]

Carlos,

I'm sorry to say that I do have an illness that has put me on disabilty. I am dizzy and off balance most of the time.

One thought for you, God gave us the feelings of love. There is a love one has for a wife or husband that is different from that which we feel for a friend mother , father. I can see why the love is different because we live with each other every day. Its not just a love that a women can feel, its how both can feel. I pray for you that yes, you draw closer to God, but that you will be able to experience the love only a wife and a husband can.

God Bless you

Carlos

[carlos123]

    I'm sorry to say that I do have an illness that has put me on disabilty. I am dizzy and off balance most of the time.

I am so sorry to hear that Char. If I had thought you were serious I would have definitely written a shorter reply.

I must admit that your reply wass the first one where the person who replied signed off with my name though it could happen to any one of us. That will be $10.00 for an unauthorized use of my name and a penance of at least 12 prayers on behalf of me and my wife!

Carlos

[Charisse48]

Carlos

I can't believe did that LOL. You can also see that being dizzy most of the time gives what they call brain fog . I wonder what the rest of my day will hold!

Blessing to you Carlos

Charisse

[angels4u]

Carlos,

Let me know how she react when you give her a BIG expensive box of chocolates

Believe me you can't go wrong with that

Angels

[carlos123]

  I can't believe  did that LOL (signing off with my name). You can also see that being dizzy most of the time gives what they call brain fog .  I wonder what the rest of my day will hold!

No problem Char I thought it was quite funny. I have done this myself when writing emails to my friends. Even today I started walking into the bathroom at Taco Bell with my tray because I had been wanting to go to the bathroom. My intention had been to throw my tray items away first. But somehow I skipped the throwing away part and started walking in with my tray fully intending to use the bathroom. I would have looked extremely silly and would have gotten completely embarrassed if a man had seen me walk into the bathroom with my tray

Of course it didn't help that I have been burning both ends of the candle, staying up late and getting up early for several days.

I hope the rest of your day went well Char. By the way is the brain fog responsible for your putting that you are a member of the male class in your profile? LOL

I don't know if you realize that you indicated you were a male? . You are a female are you not Char?

Carlos

Edited December 16, 2004 by carlos123

[carlos123]

Let me know how she react when you give her a BIG expensive box of chocolates

Believe me you can't go wrong with that 

Angels

Will do Angels if I remember to let you know I mean. I have every intention of inviting her to a play or taking her to an expensive lobster dinner (her favorite) or doing something else like that. I just started a good job a few days ago and will be making decent money. Between me and my wife both working now we should be able to afford some of the nicer things in life shortly.

Once we take care of our immediate and short term debts first of course.

Carlos

Edited December 16, 2004 by carlos123