Fed up with wife!

[carlos123]

Tonight I am headed into a major blow up with both my wife and daughter and I would appreciate anyone's input on whether or not I am blowing things out of proportion or not handling things in a Christlike way.

First off I am rather angry inside and undoubtedly my simmering anger is getting in the way of my communicating in love to my wife and daughte. I am not quite sure how to remain calm though.

My wife has upped our cable package to accept channels like Showtime (Television without Borders they pride themselves on being) and many other channels which has GREATLY increased the influence of evil being beamed into our home through TV. This has been a constant and ongoing fight between me and my wife. But now it has gone too far in my opinion. I feel I MUST put my foot down even to the point of not paying bills with money I earn if she refuses to get rid of either the extra channels we have gotten or else cable altogether.

Our daughter is watching a lot of TV when she is home alone now that both me and my wife are working and even though she watches cartoons, these days not even the cartoons are safe. She goes to a secular high school and watches shows that are typical of teen fare these days. Full of subtle encouragement to rebel and be cool and think that one's parents are do do's who don't know anything.

I will not stand for this evil coming into our home. And it must go it seems to me.

The second area of conflict is with my daughter. She is a really messed up kid right now in many ways. Aside from the bad example that my wife has been for her in disrespecting me in front of her my daughter thinks that it is perfectly okay for her to use sarcasm in her speech. Including in how she responds to me. I told her to stop talking sarcastically tonight in a coversation we were having. She doesn't think she can because it is the only way to avoid blowing up. I told her no TV tommorrow unless she stops and that she is not helpless to stop using sarcasm. She then began to cry and I sent her to bed.

I don't know how to handle this situation exactly and would appreciate input if anyone cares to give it.

How do I deal with my wife regarding our cable?

How do I deal with my daughter when she responds to me sarcastically? Given that she thinks she can't do otherwise to prevent blowing up. She has a lot of pent up anger in her.

I am mainly interested in how I should be dealing with all this. Not how my wife and daughter should change. It's one thing to let them do whatever they want in one sense but when it comes to letting unbridled evil into our home through TV I feel I msut do whatever it takes to get rid of it. Whatever my wife and daughter think. I mean out and out porno shows up on some of these channels and with my wife working as much as she is and with our daughter off to her friends houses or in bed earliier than me I am left with this virtual porn channel in our house.

The Internet is similar in being available for such too but there is much good that is coming to me over the Internet. Including my involvement on this board and emailing back and forth with Christian friends. I am willing to give that up if my wife insists as a way to get rid of TV if she must have a trade off but at the same time it seems grossly unfair for me to cancel the Internet because I might be tempted to view porn through it when compared to having the TV on constantly when my wife and daughter are home such that they sit there and allow all these night time sit coms and other shows to subtedly but unceasingly influence their hearts and minds away from God.

To me having the TV on an watching all kinds of shows, indiscrimantely, is like setting up a voice box for Satan to speak into our lives. It sometimes infuriates me the way my wife wants to hang on to cable. This has been an almost never ending conflict between us.

If my wife absolutely insists on hanging on to cable, which I see as Satan's voice box, I feel as though I must either move out or else not pay bills to force my wife's hands. Both for her sake and my daughters. And for mine too. I will not derail my growing walk with the Lord over the boob tube and if my wife will not support me in cancelling it then it seems there is little choice but for me to move. For such insistence on her part is but a symptom of a much deeper root of unwillingness to do what is right for our household. A root that will cause never ending problems and which it is best for me to not be around it would seem.

I am open to seeing things differently if anyone can help me see God's perspective in all this. I want His perspective not mine. Perhaps I am over-reacting but I am very angry at the way my wife seems at times, like now, to be more a demonic influence in my life and in our daughters life than not.

Carlos

[Charisse48]

Hey Carlos,

Well I changed my male to female LOL. Ok, I have read your post and I have a few thoughts for you. I have a son who is 14 and a daughter that is 24. My feeling is perhaps your wanting to grow so bad in the Lord, that you may be pushing away your wife and daughter. I'm not sure if you were just upset, but to say you will leave, is sending the message that your love for your wife and daughter is condtional. I can tell you Carlos that prayer about the situation is whats needed. I know this because I am a parent and I do have a husband that was smoking and viewed porn for a time. I was so upset about the whole thing and we fought much about this. It turned my stomach.

Our fights never solved the problem, until I started praying about the Lord to convict his heart. I would see God soften his heart and I would talk to him without getting angry at those times, I knew God was leading. Carlos, if you want to grow closer to God, turn this over to God and watch him work. Our ways seem right to us at the time, but often we end up making a mess of things. I know many wives who have prayed for a lost spouse and God was faithful.

I also talk to my son about his smart mouth when we are not caught up in the emotions of when he does it. Ask your daughter how you can help her with it. I found that I was part of the problem when my son told me how what I would say to him made it worse. I stopped what I was doing and it got better. He had anger and I wanted to find out why he had it. I had to own my role in it. You may be upset now but you can be an example to your family and the more they respect you the more they will want to hear what you have to say. Like I said before we have to get real honest about what it is about us that plays a role.

You should never talk about leaving your family because things are not going well. It sends the message that you have no hope and that is a lie from satan.

You can put a code on the cable so your daughter can not watch certian programs.

As far as your wife goes your her husband and not her father, I say this with love and hope you don't take it the wrong way. You can only change you and God can change your wife. But you should be in constant prayer about it and lead your family with a gentle spirit. Be patient and allow God to work.

Bless you Carlos

Charisse

[carlos123]

Thanks for your encouragement Char. Just do you know I have not told my wife that if she does not get rid of the cable and stop it from coming in to influence her and our daughter, and me too that I will leave.

The cable is only a symptom of a much deeper problem between me and my wife.

I do feel like leaving because the sutuation in our house is getting utterly ridiculous once again. My wife does not respect me. My daughter is following suit even more now that she has reached her terrible teens (I hate the way teenagers are - I wasn't in my duaghters life for her first 12 years - she is my step daughter - so I didn't have much influence on her most formative years).

I absolutely cannot stand the thought of the devil's voice box being inside our house the way it is. It's not just one or two bad programs. It is the way that my wife watches all these sit com junk that is undoubtedly influencing her against righteiousness. She has gotten depressed before and has at times done little more than watch TV all day long (and sleep).

It's incredible the way there is so much absolute junk on TV these days. Men are portrayed as silly. Women as emotional wrecks. Teenagers as more intelligent than their parents. Sarcasm as normal and heatlhy. Lying, cheating, and deceit as funny. Adultery and immiorality as perfectly normal and done by everyone. And all along these subtle messages get beamed into our subsconscious day in and day out. Hour after hour. To offset the influence of the Word which might be read and thought about alll of half an hour per day.

I am not going to tell my wife that I will leave if she doesn't get rid of cable. But at the same time I have to see a way around the problems in our house caused I beleive mainly by my wife's instransigience about things in general. Otherwise I am a man living in a house where I am not respected, where I am constantly stumbled in my walk with God, where my wife is more like a lead weight around my neck, where her example is causing our daughter to act out, and so forth. It's just ridiculous.

It would be better for us to seperate and for me to live on a corner of a roof than to continue living in this kind of situation I would think. But you are right in saying this requires much prayer.

I just hope I can stomach the boob tube beaming junk into my wife and dauighter when I am making dinner and hear the junk that my wife and daughter are laughing and having a good ol time over, getting enjoyment over the depiction of sin that Christ died for.

I am not sure that any Christian man should have to put up with that. And especially so when he feels a need to put his foot down and get rid of the cable but where his wife just ignores him and does not support him.

If a man cannot live with respect in his own house it would seem best to live elsewhere and to leave the home and his wife and daughter to their own devices.

Not saying that I WILL do that Char but that certainly seems best to me. If I end up seeing that the Lord thinks so too I will leave rather than continue to endure this baloney.

Carlos

[Charisse48]

Carlos,

I just typed you a long reply and lost it!!!!!!!!!!!! I hate this computor. Ok the vent is over, maybe it will post with this one. Carlos, You say your open to new thoughts, well I will say it again, I think you should see a christian counselor. I know you have trouble with the paying some one that you feel should do it for free. We can give you advice, but really its not fair to your wife because we can't hear both of you. Another thing is as well meaning as we are, we are not trained to get to the deeper issues. And I mean the ones you and your wife are not aware of.

Carlos, its not wrong for some one who has been trained to charge. It saved my marriage. Many pastors who do counseling really may not be all that good at it.

It is like a gift one has, and people can make a living at it. Many will not charge if your broke, I've been to them. I do challenge you to rethink this, in love of course. What if your wife wanted to go to some one, would you? Oh yeah, I didn't know your daughter was a step daughter, that says alot about what is going on with her. I was from a broken marriage, I know how it can be for a child. I don't want to ramble on here, Would you be willing to be open to christian counseling?

I don't know you and your wife, but I have been there and I have a burden for broken families. Tell me you will at least pray about my question.

God Bless you

Charisse

[angels4u]

Carlos,

Oh dear....

First off I am rather angry inside and undoubtedly my simmering anger is getting in the way of my communicating in love to my wife and daughte. I am not quite sure how to remain calm though.

First of all you have to controle your anger and not let things get to you.

See how it goes with the extra channels, block some if you want for your daughter, its not the end of the world to have extra channels during the holiday, maybe she cancels them next month again.

She goes to a secular high school and watches shows that are typical of teen fare these days. Full of subtle encouragement to rebel and be cool and think that one's parents are do do's who don't know anything.

She's in highschool and like to watch cartoons, man you should be happy she's not out on the streets doing who knows what. And of course she will try to rebel a bit,

but thats where you come in to guide her ....though the rough times when she needs you. You get a lot farther with love then critizizing everything.

I'm sure if you try to controle your temper things will go smoother in your house, I get the feeling that you like to be in controle ? Maybe you should step back a bit and see how that works out?

How do I deal with my wife regarding our cable?

Don't say a word about it and she might be the one to want to cancel the extra channels soon

Perhaps I am over-reacting but I am very angry at the way my wife seems at times, like now, to be more a demonic influence in my life and in our daughters life than not

.

Believe me you are over reacting and you should serieus think about your anger out bursts, don't make life so hard on yourself if God is before you who can be against you?

Just take life one second at the time and think what Jesus would do in your situation and how He would act.

(We have teens in our house and the music channels are blocked)

By the way

Will do Angels

send me a box too?

Try to be relaxed tonight and bring a snack home and try to make it a nice evening!!

Angels

[Catsmeow]

Char is absolutely RIGHT ON!

Honey, the only way you're gonna beat this demon is through war on your KNEES.

Showtime and other garbage should go BUT I'd compromise at this point since she is not willing to submit to your authority.

Call the Cable Company and be instructed on how to have a "lock" to keep kids out of certain programming..then you and wife can decide which programs she can watch.

That SHOULD be a fair and REASONABLE compromise. She gets what she wants and the child's welfare is protected.

Whadya think?

[Annette443pink]

Hi Angel. I forgot to mention that we have a femle cat too. It's really my wife's cat and I don't get along with the cat much either . It does not respond to me like a dog. Before getting the dog I used to torture the poor cat trying to get it to play with me. I would force roll it on the floor, drag it by it's paws a bit, etc.. In desperation to get some response out of the cat I would occasionaly bring the cat close to water and turn it on. Of course I was not walking with God when I did that though I did feel somewhat convicted that what I was doing was not Christ-like. Nowadays I leave the cat pretty much alone except when I sick the dog on her and watch the dog gleefully chasing the cat all over the house . My wife loves that cat!

===================================================

I loved this!! I'm guilty of things like this! I really have to watch myself! I'm not sure how it's related to anything but this amused me very much.

I will tell you that I didn't used to respect my husband at all. If you can't respect a person it's hard to feel much of anything good toward them. I have hung on because I knew God wanted me to. This is our 8th year of marriage and I believe it's the best! I love him and don't know what I'd do without him. I'm not sure how I came to this point. Maybe it was my own problems that were causing the disrespect. He really hasn't changed much. We've both been members of the same church since 1997 and doing our best to follow God. We read our Bible pretty much every day, pray and are involved in the church. I've been discouraged and disgusted with the church & it's members at times, but God has brought me past that as well. I am finally realizing the insight and wisdom that my husband has. He has been so good to love m e and treat me good even when I didn't treat him well. God has blessed me so much with this man who is exactly where I am spiritually. I could not ask for more.

Edited December 17, 2004 by Annette443pink

[Fr Chuck]

Often the first big step is to know there is a problem.

While many don't like to hear, it, marriage cousneling, esp with a Christian one, can really do wonders.

Also there are many marriage encounter weekends and the such.

some other ideas,

When was the last time you and her actually went on a "date" like you used to

How about a get away weekend.

A few times a year I suprise my wife, I pick her up on Friday with the entire weekend planned.

We just did a wonderful bed and breakfest weekend two week ago.

Her and I, no distractions to talk and enjoy being with each other.

If you have kids, you should alwasy have a family night, play group games, talk and do other things together. ( watching TV together is not togehter)

That does not take the place of you and her toether, but needs to be done for the good of the family.

[carlos123]

Hi Char,

Carlos,  You say your open to new thoughts, well I will say it again, I think you should see a christian counselor. I know you have trouble with the paying some one that you feel should do it for free. We can give you advice, but really its not fair to your wife because we can't hear both of you. Another thing is as well meaning as we are, we are not trained to get to the deeper issues. And I mean the ones you and your wife are not aware of.  Carlos, its not wrong for some one who has been trained to charge. It saved my marriage. Many pastors who do counseling really may not be all that good at it.

It is like a gift one has, and people can make a living at it. Many will not charge if your broke, I've been to them.  I do challenge you to rethink this, in love of course. What if your wife wanted to go to some one, would you?

Lots to respond to on your thoughts here Char. First off I want you to know that I am not oppossed to going to a counselor or pastor per se. I have been to both. In fact two counselors and one pastor in the past 5 years regarding our marriage. Every time things have gotten better as a result but you know what? After all that counseling I have come to the conclusion that counselors are mainly good as listening ears. To hear us express ourselves to someone who can emphathize and guide us toward what is right.

Of course one must pay hundreds and hundreds of dollars as we did to get such an ear.

You know something else Char. As much as it is the in thing in the Christian world to advise one's to go to a counselor, as you have done, I am absolutely 100% flabbergasted and amazed that there is not as much if not more advice to rely on the Holy Spirit inisde EACH of us Christians to guide our brother and sister though us. As we pray and give counsel to ONE another!!

I do not fault you for advising me to go to a counselor Char. I know you meant well. I have been and would probably go again if I could afford it! Only because it might help more quickly.

But you know there is something REALLY SICK about someone who has been given a precious gift in the form of the blood of Christ and all that this entails in terms of life and wholeness, and hoarding that gift and only dolling it out piecemeal to those who can afford to pay!! That is JUST SICK!

I mean think of it this way. You and I and every Christian have received the greatest gift that can possibly be given. The blood of Jesus Christ. And the Holy Spirit to enable us to understand and fathom the things of God. All that as a FREE gift!! Are we then to turn around and not give out freely what we have been given unless others pay us for it!

Do you see the utter hypocrisy of that! As if we were more worthy of receiving something back (in the form of money) for sharing our gift and knowledge than Jesus was for sharing His BLOOD!! That to me is JUST SICK!!

The more I think of that the greater disgust I feel for the whole Christian counseling / marriage seminar stuff. It's as if the current Christian fad is to take from what Jesus gives freely and then to hold on to it and to dole it out only to those who can pay.

I don't know how to describe how SICK that seems to me!

We, in the Christian world, put such incredibly emphasis on collegiate training, Bible schools, counselor degrees, and training on how to reach the deeper issues while giving nothing more than lip service to the greatest Counselor of all, the Holy Spirit, living right inside of us. It's as if we are looking to counselors and trained pastors and others as more sufficient than the Holy Spirit of God that lives inside each of us.

As Paul said to the Corinthians I feel like saying to the Church...is there not one wise and Spirit filled Christian among us who can judge these things and give godly advice to a married couple experiencing problems? I believe there are. I have experienced some right here on this board. I don't mean anything personal Char. You seem like a very nice person but calls for Christian counselors and the like get me going.

I have been to some of the best that money can buy. I mean that literally. And they are nothing more than mere men. Wise men. Patient men. Well read men. But just men. They are but dust just as anyone of us is and in their flesh they are utterly worthless. Just as anyone one of us is. Apart from Christ they are nothing. The only thing of value in them is the new creation and the Spirit of God living in them just as there is in EVERY single one of us who are Christians.

Oh yeah, I didn't know your daughter was a step daughter, that says alot about what is going on with her. I was from a broken marriage, I know how it can be for a child. I don't want to ramble on here, Would you be willing to be open to christian counseling?

Certainly I would be open Char and am open but may I ask why the Spirit of God living inside of you and inside other Christians on this board or among our friends is not able to give us counseling? Does God not know us inside and out? Does God not see it all? Does He not understand the deepest pains and recesses of our hearts? And can He not act to encourage and build us all up through others in our midst who are willing to let Him work and speak through them without expecting anything in return as in the form of money?

Tell me you will at least pray about my question.

I will Char but I can tell you that prayer over such a question is not what I need. I need brothers and sisters around me who are willing to let God work through THEM! I am speaking in generalities here Char.

PLEASE don't take anything I have said personally! I really appreciate your heart and willingness to help by sharing what you think. Truly! That is very gracious of you even if I don't quite agree with the need to go break into my piggy bank (which is virtually empty) to see if I can afford to pay some other Christian to loosen their lips and tell me what might be of help to me and my wife.

As for letting such a counselor give me free counseling no thank you. Better to seek God and trust His Spirit to lead me to whatever wisdom I need than to stand before any man as a debtor when Christ has already paid my debt. I don't want to go to a couselor and have him thinking that he is doing me and God a favor by granting me a free audience. As though he is even in a position to grant such a singular mercy when compared to the free gift given to me by God Himself in Christ.

Carlos

[carlos123]

Hi Anette443pink,

I loved this (Carlos's description of torturing his wife's cat)!!  I'm guilty of things like this!  I really have to watch myself!  I'm not sure how it's related to anything but this amused me very much.

I'm glad you were amused Anette. I was too. It's nice to laugh once in a while.

Great to hear that things are going well between you and your husband. Thanks for sharing.

Carlos