A Question About Forgiveness

[sremed]

​Last year my wife of 18 years wanted to divorce me for another man. That man was a longtime friend of her family. She has known him since they were both kids. After 3 agonizing months of separation, God brought my wife and I back together and our marriage is stronger than ever. 

​The problem is: this guy is still a friend of the family. 99% of the time it's not an issue. But whenever there are family gatherings of any kind, there is always a chance that he could be there. This usually isn't a major problem either. If I suspect he might be somewhere, I don't go. 

​Christmas eve the annual family party will be at our house. I don't want him here.

 

​Factors:

​My wife says nothing sexual ever happened between them. According to her, he was unaware of her feelings for him.

​But, she did want to end our marriage so she could be with him. We were separated for 3 months, and her family, (mother, father, brothers, cousins, in-laws, aunts, uncles, etc.), did know why we were separated. They knew she wanted to leave me for him. They are her family, (blood), so they supported her decision. A few actually encouraged it.

​Now that we're back together, everyone's attitude is that everything should just go back to the way things were before - and I should go back to treating this guy like just a friend of the family. I know Jesus forgave us without conditions, and I should be able to forgive others. Just having a real hard time with the idea of this guy coming to my house for a party, laughing and yucking it up with everyone, eating my food, like nothing happened.

 

​Any Biblical advise would be appreciated.

[kwikphilly]

Blessings sremed,

      He was a unaware of her feelings for him & she wanted to leave you for him?Okay.Oddest thing I ever heard but that is between you & your wife,if you accept that story then far be it from me to say otherwise,I am truly happy though,to hear that you have reconciled and are back together!Praise & Glory to God,are you both Christians?

       Perhaps someone else will refer you to the Scriptures in this matter but I would only know to tell your wife how you feel & I would strongly advise against inviting him.Forgiveness is one thing but putting salt in fresh wounds is another,I should think you wife will understand completely  & does he not have a family of his own that he could spend the holidays with?

         Pray,ask the Holy Spirit to lead you & guide you and have a heart to heart talk with your wife,anyone else in the family should not interfere with the decisions you & she come to.....and what they think you should do should not influence what the two of you need to do to strengthen your union together.I am praying for you both,keep God first in your lives & trust in Him.

                                                                                                                                            With love,in Christ-Kwik

[other one]

​Last year my wife of 18 years wanted to divorce me for another man. That man was a longtime friend of her family. She has known him since they were both kids. After 3 agonizing months of separation, God brought my wife and I back together and our marriage is stronger than ever. 

​The problem is: this guy is still a friend of the family. 99% of the time it's not an issue. But whenever there are family gatherings of any kind, there is always a chance that he could be there. This usually isn't a major problem either. If I suspect he might be somewhere, I don't go. 

​Christmas eve the annual family party will be at our house. I don't want him here.

 

​Factors:

​My wife says nothing sexual ever happened between them. According to her, he was unaware of her feelings for him.

​But, she did want to end our marriage so she could be with him. We were separated for 3 months, and her family, (mother, father, brothers, cousins, in-laws, aunts, uncles, etc.), did know why we were separated. They knew she wanted to leave me for him. They are her family, (blood), so they supported her decision. A few actually encouraged it.

​Now that we're back together, everyone's attitude is that everything should just go back to the way things were before - and I should go back to treating this guy like just a friend of the family. I know Jesus forgave us without conditions, and I should be able to forgive others. Just having a real hard time with the idea of this guy coming to my house for a party, laughing and yucking it up with everyone, eating my food, like nothing happened.

 

​Any Biblical advise would be appreciated.

Matt 6:9-13

'Our Father who art in heaven , Hallowed be Thy name.

'Thy kingdom come.

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

'Give us this day our daily bread.

'And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

'And do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from evil. [For Thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen.

NASB

 

besides, if your wife is telling you the truth, they guy doesn't even know what happened so why take it out on him.   Either way your wife was/is the problem.  Question is, have you forgiven her...   The most important question is are you treating her any different than you were before she got interested in this other person......    If you are loving her like Jesus loved the church why would she ever want to change that?

 

I'm 66 years old and have seen a lot of marriages fall apart.  Some come back together but most don't.   Those that do come back together seem to never stay unless both people understand they were doing things that drove the marriage apart.   So if you want to keep your marriage until death parts you, it would be my advice that you focus on your wife and not on the other guy.......   and look deeply into yourself and ask how in the world could she want to leave my presence

 

Remember that we are instructed to love our wives as Jesus loves the church (you and me)......   wives did not receive that same instruction. If your wife doesn't understand that you love here that way........   whose fault is that.

 

I don't speak this out of pride in some super spiritual knowledge, but from personal experience......   I used to be a typical red neck husband, and i thank God my wife had the sense to let me grow out of it.

[sremed]

Thank you for the responses. Yes, my wife and I are both Christians. Since we've gotten back together she refers to that "situation" as an emotional breakdown. "The guy" had been a friend of the family since they were all kids, but really more friends with her brothers. For whatever reason, she and him started texting and talking to each other, (as friends). It got to be where they were texting or calling each other several times a day, all day, every day. She (apparently) wasn't happy with her life, (or me), and began confusing in this guy about our marriage. According to her, he was supportive, kind, understanding, and listened to her, and that is apparently when she started thinking of him as more than a friend. She said she would never have an affair, and decided that since she had these feelings for this guy it was better to divorce me rather than cheat. 

 

As far as whether he knew her feelings: I believe that she never actually told him how she felt. However, she did tell family members, (as I said), including her brother and sister-in-law who hung out with this guy almost daily. So it's safe to assume he had some idea. When I first learned about him, I called him and told him I felt it was inappropriate for him to be calling and texting my wife, and discussing personal details about my marriage with her. He said he was her friend and he wasn't going to let me tell him who he could call or text. 

 

I had no problem whatsoever forgiving my wife. I love her. She admitted she made a huge mistake and asked me to forgive her, and I have... 100%. 

 

I don't know what kind of game the guy was playing, nor do I care. If a man contacted me and told me he felt it was inappropriate for me to be texting and calling HIS wife 10-15 Times a day, at all hours, day or night... I would stop immediately. I can't imagine myself texting and calling someone's wife and discussing her marriage with her to begin with. That this guy completely ignored my request is what bothers me. He has never admitted any wrong-doing, apologized, or asked for forgiveness. I can forgive him for his past actions without a problem. But since he has never admitted that what he did was inappropriate, both in his inappropriate relationship with my wife, (sexual or not), and in disrespecting my request for him to back off... I don't want him around.

 

My wife is embarrassed by the whole ordeal. It's not that she wants to see the guy anymore. Rather, she wants everything to go back the way it was and pretend it never happened. If we have a family get together and specifically tell people not to invite him, that will just create more problems, causing even more friction, and just compound the problem, not resolving it. I can see her point from her perspective.

 

I still don't want him in my house.

[Guest Butero]

This is not a situation with a clear right or wrong answer.  I tend to believe your wife is telling the truth.  She probably got close to this guy as a friend, and started mixing up those feelings for something more than it really is.  There is no reason to assume this guy was doing anything more than being a friend. 

 

I completely understand if you don't want this guy in your home, but if you refuse to allow him to visit, and he has no idea of what was going on, it will only start him asking questions.  My fear is that if he comes to find out your wife was infatuated with him, he might start questioning if he has feelings for her, and I don't know where that might lead? 

 

Understand that any advise I give could be wrong, but if it was me, I think I would try to act as though nothing happened.  If you and your wife are together, and nothing happened between her and this guy, you probably should let it go.  I know, easier said than done, but what are your alternatives?  If your wife can't be trusted to be around him, you aren't going to have much of a marriage anyway, because you will always have to worry about her leaving down the road.  I do believe it is very possible she did make a grave error in judgment about what her feelings were, and thankfully it didn't go further than it did.  Since you are asking for advise, I would suggest you do everything in your power to let it go.  This may sound strange to you, but I would have less trouble being around him than the family members that supported your wife's decision to leave you for another man.  Forgiveness in cases like this is tough.  I wish you well. 

[Jerry1023]

God bless you,all the above replies are good to go with,this is a family matter between you and your wife,what God has joined together let no one put asunder,you and your wife are one,if you don't care,that means you are not doing your job very well as a loving husband,the ball is in your wife court,how can she has a feeling for another man when you are still alive,as a christian it's a taboo,she didn't act like a godly wife,thank God you guys a back together for good,talk to your wife and know her mind about the situation,if she give you green light, please sent that man packing,you are the head of the family,before he rock your marriage,since you have forgiving your wife,you also ought to forgive the man,and ask him to stays away from your wife,for christ sake,she is your wife,you need to protect her to the glory of God,by asking your wife to do away with the man,if she still love,to avoid temptation,some women doesn't know how to reason well,A Stitch In Time Save Nine,"N.B" your wife have to chose between you and the man,in my country it's a taboo,as a christian the early you sent that man packing the better for you and your family.

[sremed]

Thanks again for your responses. I was up all night praying for how God would have me handle this. Along about 3am the mind doesn't process info very effectively. I tried looking online for insight, similar experiences, etc. That's when I ran across this forum. At 3am, asking for answers online seemed like a good idea. 

 

In retrospect I probably should have just prayed more and tried to sleep. My head tells me I should welcome this guy into my home with open arms and allow my behavior to be a witness of God's unequalled mercy and Grace. My heart tells me this guy doesn't deserve my forgiveness, Grace or mercy. 

 

I know the correct answer - it's just not the answer I want. 

 

With God's help I'll be able to suck it up and be gracious.

 

Thanks again for letting me vent guys. If I don't here from you again on this side - I'll see you on the other side. 

[Dak]

Hi sremed.

I think that this is more a question of trust than a question of forgiveness.

You don't trust the guy; no question about it. Then don't let him inside your house. Why willingly invite danger into the safety and sanctity of your home?

Also, having been warned about his inappropriate actions and yet have ignored it, using friendship as an excuse (only an idiot would think that all this is just friendship), his motives then become clear: he's out to destroy your marriage. So again, don't let him inside your house.

As Jerry said, you're the head of the family, so take control, and protect your family. A stitch in time save nine. Indeed. Very well said.

And if you're uneasy about having your wife in his presence, as if you still can't trust her, don't worry about it. This is broken trust talking, not unforgiveness. Trust takes time to be regained, and so your uneasiness is understandable.

Lastly, don't worry about what the rest of the family would say: YOUR MARRIAGE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR FEELINGS AND OPINIONS, AND IT IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR..

Surely you can stand some heat?

~

[Guest Butero]

The only concern I have on this is if the guy didn't know her feelings, when he is suddenly excluded, he might go to asking why, and when he finds out, he might see a window of opportunity and go after your wife.  Having re-read your last post, I may have to reconsider that?  You did already confront him, and he did say he wouldn't let you come between the friendship with your wife.  That really is all the reason you have to tell him he is not welcome at your house.  Having read the last two posts, and having looked at your post more carefully, I tend to agree with them. 

[Guest Butero]

Thanks again for your responses. I was up all night praying for how God would have me handle this. Along about 3am the mind doesn't process info very effectively. I tried looking online for insight, similar experiences, etc. That's when I ran across this forum. At 3am, asking for answers online seemed like a good idea. 

 

In retrospect I probably should have just prayed more and tried to sleep. My head tells me I should welcome this guy into my home with open arms and allow my behavior to be a witness of God's unequalled mercy and Grace. My heart tells me this guy doesn't deserve my forgiveness, Grace or mercy. 

 

I know the correct answer - it's just not the answer I want. 

 

With God's help I'll be able to suck it up and be gracious.

 

Thanks again for letting me vent guys. If I don't here from you again on this side - I'll see you on the other side. 

You need to forgive him, but it is really up to you if you let him in your house.  There is no right or wrong answer to this question.