Whether to let daughter go on web site?

[carlos123]

My dauther is visiting a site (http://web4.www.nexopia.com/) and I am wondering if someone can give me input on whether or not to let our daughter visit this site? At least when she is home and using our home computers?

The site seems full of advice and teen input on guy / girl relations and such from a wordly standpoint. It's not bad as far as wordly sites go but from a Christian standpoint it's quite full of junk.

Our daughter is 16 years old and I am not sure that I trust her discernment just yet in terms of choosing what to view or get involved with over the Internet. She is at an age where she seems more prone to peer pressure and to being influenced in a bad way. She insists that she only uses the site to allow her to chat with her friends at school (a typical secular high school) amd that she doesn't visit the areas of the site that are not so good.

Should I put my foot down and tell her she is not allowed to go to that site anymore? Or just leave it alone in the interests of building a better relationship with her and spending time with her to go over truths in the Bible that might better equip her to have better discernment? The latter seems like the best approach but at the same time I don't think me and my wife should just let her go to whatever kind of site she wants.

Any input would be appreciated. She is actually my step daughter and my wife's real daughter. I came into her life when she was 12 and for most of the past few years have not had a very good relationship with her. As a result of my wife working a lot of hours now (sometimes gone for a day or two at a time including a night shift where she sleeps at the group home she works at) I find myself spending a lot more time with our daughter. I now work a typical 9-5 job and have nights and weekends off.

Thanks.

Carlos

[Leonard]

Only you can set the boundaries for your minor daughter. I pray that the Lord guide you in the matter.

[Kabowd]

Check out www.planetwisdom.com (the Thought Cafe) .... I've been posting there since I was 13 (I'm 16 now). It's run by Mark Matlock/Wisdomworks Ministries and is pretty balanced. It's mostly teens that post on the Thought Cafe, but here are young adults and some adults who post there too. Lots of theological discussions as well as the "love" issues. But it's pretty balanced.

[carlos123]

Only you can set the boundaries for your minor daughter.  I pray that the Lord guide you in the matter.

Thanks Leonard though I was kinda hoping that as a member of His Body that you (or others) might help me get a better feel for where that boundary line might be without being too overly restrictive or too permissive, based on Biblically sound principles.

Carlos

[carlos123]

Check out www.planetwisdom.com (the Thought Cafe) .... I've been posting there since I was 13 (I'm 16 now). It's run by Mark Matlock/Wisdomworks Ministries and is pretty balanced. It's mostly teens that post on the Thought Cafe, but here are young adults and some adults who post there too. Lots of theological discussions as well as the "love" issues. But it's pretty balanced.

Hmmm...thanks Tess. Perhaps I will point my daughter to that site instead. Of course the friends that she communicates with are not Christians so I am not sure that they will be very enthused about interacting with my daughter through a Christian site.

It's great to hear of young people discussing things from a Christian perspective though overall it seems to me that most teenagers these days are drowing in a sea of delusion and bad behavior resulting from giving in to ungodly peer pressure.

Carlos

[Annette443pink]

I suppose the answer depends on your relationship with her and her relationship with Christ. I have found with my 16 year old that if what I've taught him and the church has taught him has not "took", if he has a weak relationship with Christ, there's really nothing I can do about it. But, my relationship with my son is not strong either. I was not a christian until he was 9 so I wasted a lot of years being selfish. We've told him what we want, what God wants & told him if he goes against it, he'll answer to God.

[yomotalking]

If your daughter has said "It's not all bad", then I think you should suggest that you check through the site with her, to make sure it is ok.

If you came into her life only 4 years ago, she is not going to be very happy if you "Put Your Foot Down" with her, and I think you need to build a good relationship with her, before attempting to tell her what sites she can, or cannot visit.

I am trying to put myself in her position, which is a bit difficult, because I am a few years younger than her, but if I had a stepfather who came into my life when I was 12, I would have to learn to love him, and respect him before I would readily accept him speaking into my life.

Is your daughter a Christian? Would she be happy to let you read the Bible with her? Because, again, I feel you have to build your relationship with her, before this could successfully take place

Yomo

[carlos123]

Thanks for the additional response ya all . Much appreciated.

I am getting ths sense that relationship would be a key factor in putting my foot down with our daughter which I would generally agree with. But at the same time I am also aware that as an authority figure in her life, even if I am just her stepfather, that I have a responsiblity to put appropriate boundaries around her for her own protection even if I don't as yet have much of a relationship with her. Or at least as good as a relationship as I would like to have.

There are times when parents must put their foot down. Even if it means that the relationship ends up bring strained as a result. I am not sure that this is one of those times but in gneeral I think that parents do not have to wait on a good relationship before setting appropriate boundaries with their kids.

If such was the case then the setting of boundaries would be almost entirely up to the child as to whether they felt that they had a sufficiently good enough relationship to listen to their parents. While a good relationship is best as a background to setting boundaries I am not sure that I should wait as a parent until I have a great relationship before setting various boundaries that may serve to protect her during this formative stage in her life.

For now I have decided to just let her continue to use that site and to interact with her friends through it. There are other issues that seem much more important for me to speak into her life about. I want to focus as much as I can on equipping her, in my role as priest of our house, to make decisions based on Biblical truth and out of consciousness toward the Lord. Instead of superimposing a set of rules on her and hoping that through the enforcement of the rules alone that she will somehow, as if by osmosis, internalize the righteousness that they are meant to uphold.

To some degree I have to superimpose a set of rules oin her regardless but it seems after a bit of thinking and hearing your all's input that such rules have to also be tempered with love and a willingness to build better relationship with her at the same time. Along with time spent together looking into the Word so as to enable her to start making righteous choices on her own.

Carlos

[Kabowd]

I agree with your last post, and I hope you don't mind some input from a teenager. I totally agree with you when you said this:

Instead of superimposing a set of rules on her and hoping that through the enforcement of the rules alone that she will somehow, as if by osmosis, internalize the righteousness that they are meant to uphold.

If I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying that it's important to work on the heart issues, and then those things will be evidenced in her actions. If that's what you meant, I completely agree. I've always struggled with obedience (sometimes still do ), but something I always come back to is when Jesus said "If you love Me, you'll obey Me" (paraphrase there). The more I grow to love the authority figures in my life, the more willing I am to obey.

Yes, she should obey whether you are loving or not...however, I'd just suggest that you gently try to get her to grow to love you. I'm not saying pamper her or spoil her in any way. I'm saying let her get to know you, trust you and realize that you absolutely love her. It's my experience that young girls especially will follow anyone that makes them feel loved. Sometimes thats not a good thing. But, if you're the one making her feel loved, I believe she'll desire to obey your rules. Just some thoughts...

~Tess

[carlos123]

It's my experience that young girls especially will follow anyone that makes them feel loved. Sometimes thats not a good thing. But, if you're the one making her feel loved, I believe she'll desire to obey your rules. Just some thoughts...

Good points Tess. I appreciate your input!

I know one thing for sure. My daughter has a great big hole in her heart that has not been filled by the non-sexual love of a man such as a father. I can't remember if I shared this but I am her step father. Her real dad was an alcoholic and pretty much abandoned her. If I don't fill that hole in her heart to the degree that a father figure should she is liable to be swept up by the first boy that pays any attention to her at all. Which is not good. I have a solemn responsiblity before God to act toward her in such a way that her heart is strenghthened so that she doesn't fall for the first dude to come along.

It's hard because in my natural self I can't stand teenagers and more specifically teenage girls with all their "Like .... you go girl...and like you know...and like wow..." and their focus on incredibly shallow stuff like make up and such. Instead of focusing on the more important matters like world events, eternity, loving others, and other such matters .

I also can't stand how they group together and try very hard to fit in instead of standing on their own two feet to be themselves. That I especially can't stand.

Oh well the Lord si helping me love our daughter but it's slow going that's for sure. Mostly because I think I have so many hang ups about teenagers that I have to work my way through .

Carlos