Stay Married Or Divorce?

[DancingWithDaisies]

Hey everyone! I need a bit of advice. My situation is a bit complicated, but I am looking for counsel. It's a little long, but please bear with me because I really need counsel from fellow believers,

 

My husband and I met at our church. He was interning to become a pastor and I had just left another church to go to the one we met in. We ended up becoming friends and, soon after, started "dating" (or whatever you want to call it). Soon after we officially started "dating", we fell into sin. To be honest, it was more him pressuring me than anything else, but that's besides the point. Sin is sin and we're both responsible. Anyway, I confessed to someone and we ended up separating for a while. We got back together a few months after that.

 

Fast forward a year or so later and he is about to become the student pastor. We fell into sin again, but he kept promising that we would be married soon. In his defense, he did ask the church we attended if he could marry me, but they denied it because he "wasn't making enough money". He was. I don't understand why they said that. Suffice it to say, we didn't get married.

 

I ended up getting pregnant and we had a child together. When she was five months old, I learned something pretty horrifying. At this point, we had been together for almost three years. Keeping that in mind, I learned that he had been cheating on me in two different ways. One way was an emotional affair with a coworker of his. I don't know when this one started, but from the Facebook messages I found, they started talking about a year into our relationship. The second way was with a various amount (possibly over thirty or forty) of homosexual men on craigslist. This started around the same time we got together (maybe even earlier). I don't know if he did anything physical with any of these people, but I won't ever know. I confronted him THREE TIMES (as I learned more information, I questioned him) and all THREE TIMES he lied to me until I showed him proof. When he could no longer deny it, then he told the truth. 

 

NOW, here is where I need the advice.

 

This all happened in April 2014. We're in November. He has changed and has stopped viewing pornography, talking to the woman, emailing people on craigslist, etc. I keep tabs on his emails, social media accounts, etc. I even installed Covenant Eyes on his phone and check it from time to time. We don't have a home computer, so he has no other way of accessing anything but through his phone. 

 

For all intents and purposes, he's changed.

 

Here is my issue. I've changed as well. I've lost my trust in him. Even still. I check his phone and accounts because I'm scared I will find something again. We don't go to church. He doesn't want to. It could be his work schedule, or it really could be his desire, but this ex-pastor doesn't want to be a pastor anymore. I do truly believe he is saved, but I feel like if I stay with him, I'm going to go further away from God. 

 

I'm torn. Part of me says "give him grace, as you've been shown grace". But his character isn't something I can change. He's angry, gets upset when you argue with him, throws things. I mean, I can't explain everything here, but I'm so tired of him and the way he is. When I try to talk to him, he blows up and I give up. 

 

So then, part of me wants to call it quits. They say comparison is the thief of joy, but I see how other husbands are with their wives and part of me still hopes I can find that with someone else. I've given up on my husband ever becoming like that. He can do loving things from time to time, but it's so rare. And usually, it's after I guilt him by reminding him that he CHEATED ON ME and I kinda haven't really forgotten about it. Then he does something nice. 

 

I know he loves me. In his weird way, he does love me. But I feel like I can fall in love with someone else who will love me the way I need to be loved. We never had a wedding. We got married with a notary. He NEVER proposed to me. He just handed me the ring. He NEVER buys me flowers or writes me little notes. He doesn't serve me. He knows I'm depressed because I am a working mother and my desire is to stay home, yet when I ask for encouragement, he just tells me that I make him feel inadequate. 

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I know God hates divorce. But would God want me to stay in a marriage that doesn't glorify Him? One that takes me away from Him? 

 

I've tried to go to church and small groups, but he always keeps me away somehow. I've asked him to go to counseling, and while he says he's okay with it, he makes no efforts to find a counselor, nor does he okay any counselors I find.

 

What would you do in this situation? Is it okay to leave and start over with someone else because of the "adultery" clause or am I forced to stay because I married him? 

 

 

[other one]

http://www.familylife.com/events/featured-events/weekend-to-remember?gclid=CjwKEAiAj-KiBRC48YzhnLSg0D0SJAClOhK3gVnwnC9bCvuQoQPVkLCeZ0-jL1m6wQOQXS3z8TaeyRoCVeLw_wcB

 

Take him to one of these weekends.   He will learn what God expects from Husbands and you will learn what God expects from you.

 

I don't know what I would do with the trust thing....  I've never had to deal with that.

'

[Sevenseas]

You are in a very abusive situation.   There is plenty I could say, but what you describe is not love.

 

Seek counselling and don't hold anything back.  What you describe, is not love and certainly not a marriage.

 

Is your husband actually a student pastor?  He should be reported.  He has no business pastoring anyone and is a disgrace to the church and all things Christian.

 

I'm not mincing words because you need to get help fast and get yourself checked out for STDs.

 

You also need to clarify what God actually does state regarding divorce.

 

 

I know he loves me. In his weird way, he does love me. But I feel like I can fall in love with someone else who will love me the way I need to be loved. We never had a wedding. We got married with a notary. He NEVER proposed to me. He just handed me the ring. He NEVER buys me flowers or writes me little notes. He doesn't serve me. He knows I'm depressed because I am a working mother and my desire is to stay home, yet when I ask for encouragement, he just tells me that I make him feel inadequate. 

 

 

Do you really think he loves you?  You have not described a loving relationship.  You have described an abusive, narcisstic man who cannot be trusted.

 

You sound like you want a normal marriage.  You will not ever have it with this person, short of a miracle from God.  

 

You have stated he shows no remorse, is not kind, really does nothing for you, cheats, lies, possibly has had homosexual sex, and his conscience is so seared,

he has imagined himself as a pastor.

 

Please, for the sake of your daughter, ask for help and if you can remove yourself.   

 

Sorry; there is one other thing I think needs mentionning.  You do not need another relationship.  You will find youself in the same abusive kind of relationship

unless you get yourself straightened out.  You have not said much about your daughter.  Shouldn't she be your first consideration?

 

You can think of my post as a little tough love.  You need to focus on someone besides yourself and I would hope you want to protect your daughter.

[Guest]

Praying~!

[ncn]

Praying. 

[another_poster]

I'm not going to advise you to do either.  If he doesn't want counselling then there is nothing stopping you from having counselling. Sure it would be ideal.

 

Have you asked him why you make him feel inadequate?

 

As far as the trust thing goes there can be no true relationship without trust. Given the past I can see how it would be hard to trust him and I am not suggesting you just blindly trust him either. 

 

In what ways is he stopping you from going to church or small groups?

[DancingWithDaisies]

You are in a very abusive situation.   There is plenty I could say, but what you describe is not love.

 

Seek counselling and don't hold anything back.  What you describe, is not love and certainly not a marriage.

 

Is your husband actually a student pastor?  He should be reported.  He has no business pastoring anyone and is a disgrace to the church and all things Christian.

 

I'm not mincing words because you need to get help fast and get yourself checked out for STDs.

 

You also need to clarify what God actually does state regarding divorce.

 

 

I know he loves me. In his weird way, he does love me. But I feel like I can fall in love with someone else who will love me the way I need to be loved. We never had a wedding. We got married with a notary. He NEVER proposed to me. He just handed me the ring. He NEVER buys me flowers or writes me little notes. He doesn't serve me. He knows I'm depressed because I am a working mother and my desire is to stay home, yet when I ask for encouragement, he just tells me that I make him feel inadequate. 

 

 

Do you really think he loves you?  You have not described a loving relationship.  You have described an abusive, narcisstic man who cannot be trusted.

 

You sound like you want a normal marriage.  You will not ever have it with this person, short of a miracle from God.  

 

You have stated he shows no remorse, is not kind, really does nothing for you, cheats, lies, possibly has had homosexual sex, and his conscience is so seared,

he has imagined himself as a pastor.

 

Please, for the sake of your daughter, ask for help and if you can remove yourself.   

 

Sorry; there is one other thing I think needs mentionning.  You do not need another relationship.  You will find youself in the same abusive kind of relationship

unless you get yourself straightened out.  You have not said much about your daughter.  Shouldn't she be your first consideration?

 

You can think of my post as a little tough love.  You need to focus on someone besides yourself and I would hope you want to protect your daughter.

 

He's not a student pastor anymore. Since we got pregnant out of wedlock, he resigned. He's not violently abusive. Verbally sometimes, but not every day. 

 

Honestly, I wrote that post in a bit of a rush. I agree with the getting checked out for STDs thing. I wanted to, but since I was a virgin before I met him (he's the only person I've ever been with), he took it as an insult and didn't want to do it. I wanted to save our marriage (this was back in April, when everything was still fresh), so I told him we didn't have to. (As I said, he keeps claiming that nothing physical was done with anyone). To a certain extent, I do believe him (because he's not the type to spend a lot of time away from home), but he could have easily spent one hour with someone in between work and home. I don't think he slept with a bunch of people. The homosexual stuff was via text messages and email on craiglists. And the girl was texts and facebook. But he worked with her for quite a bit of time. 

 

He did show remorse. He felt very guilty and practically begged me to stay around. I caught him watching pornography a month after it happened and I told him if I find ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, and I will find out if he does (because I'm a good detective) , that both his daughter and I would be done. Ever since THAT day, he hasn't even tested the waters (as far as I can see through Covenant Eyes and my own monitoring of his Facebook and accounts). 

 

I already was a little on the fence when his ugly "verbal abuse" side came out before we were married. He's improved a lot, but he's hit a wall and I can't get him to see past it. He has a weird work schedule (he works overnight, so he sleeps from 1pm to 7pm), but no matter what I do, I can't get him to at the very least go to church. He went to ONE small group with me after our daughter was born, but never went again. In his defense, the small group was late at night, so he didn't sleep much that night, but everything is an excuse. He's a good leader, but spiritually, he's not leading this family. 

 

I appreciate the tough love. Maybe you're right. It's why I asked for an opinion here. I need to see it from an outside perspective. 

[DancingWithDaisies]

http://www.familylife.com/events/featured-events/weekend-to-remember?gclid=CjwKEAiAj-KiBRC48YzhnLSg0D0SJAClOhK3gVnwnC9bCvuQoQPVkLCeZ0-jL1m6wQOQXS3z8TaeyRoCVeLw_wcB

 

Take him to one of these weekends.   He will learn what God expects from Husbands and you will learn what God expects from you.

 

I don't know what I would do with the trust thing....  I've never had to deal with that.

'

 

Thank you. I've looked into this. 

 

 

Praying~!

 

Thank you.

 

Praying. 

 

Thank you. 

 

I'm not going to advise you to do either.  If he doesn't want counselling then there is nothing stopping you from having counselling. Sure it would be ideal.

 

Have you asked him why you make him feel inadequate?

 

As far as the trust thing goes there can be no true relationship without trust. Given the past I can see how it would be hard to trust him and I am not suggesting you just blindly trust him either. 

 

In what ways is he stopping you from going to church or small groups?

I've been begging for counseling. He doesn't listen to me when I try to point out certain things to him. Also, I want him to understand just how deeply everything wounded me. I want him to understand that, in truth, I feel like it will never be the same. But the reason he won't go (and doesn't let me go) is money. Sure, I could go, but I'd still have to pay for it. If I could afford it, then we would both go. He makes enough money that we would get denied by "financial assistance" programs, but we pay a lot in bills, so it's not like we have that money for ourselves. It goes to cars, rent, food, etc. 

 

Yes. The reason why he feels inadequate (at least, the reason why he brings it up) almost always has to do with me working. My deepest desire is to stay home with my daughter. It's not because I don't want to work. Quite the opposite. I've tried launching businesses to stay home and work from home, but none have really taken off. It's that I feel like it's so important to stay home with your children and raise them. (No offense to working moms. That's just how our family would work best). Whenever I try to vent and seek encouragement, he says I make him feel inadequate because he can't provide for his family. It makes me not want to talk to him anymore because the topic shifts to me trying to encourage him, all the while, I'm still suffering. 

 

He doesn't stop me completely from going to church. I'm free to go as I want. But every time I try to make a routine of it (not just go every blue moon), he brings up an excuse. When I tried joining a college group (most of our friends go there and I love how theologically sound the leader of the group was), he said a married woman shouldn't be away from home so late at night for so long. So I left. I was paying one of his cousins to watch our daughter for those nights, but I stopped. THEN we joined a church plant in our city. The only downside is they're quite far from our house. Almost 40 miles away (which translates to an hour). They were more "family friendly" (unlike the college small group, where nobody has kids yet), but he didn't want me going with our daughter so late at night, so far away. Again, I stopped going. And because the church is so far, we haven't gone to any church planting meetings or anything. 

 

The times I've tried to go with him (on Sunday mornings) he usually tells me he's too tired (because he just came home from work OR worked the day before) OR he wants to spend time as a family doing something together (because I work as well), we don't get time together very often. For both of us to be off is rare. 

 

I've already decided that I'm going to go to the church we met. Even if, for now, it's just Sunday mornings. My daughter can go to the kids ministry that they have, I can worship while he's at work (so there's no excuses). I know better. I know that you can't just go on Sundays and expect to grow in your faith. You need community. I'm praying that I can find a small group that meets early Sunday mornings that also has childcare (meaning you can bring your child with you). That would be the ideal for me. 

 

I know I'm spiritually weak. For three years, I've either been in sin or been living in the consequences of it. I've tried to claw my way out, but made the wrong choices and ended up falling deeper in the hole. We haven't been legally married for very long, so I haven't been out of sin for very long. God's pursued me time and time again, and I am so thankful to have such a wonderful God. He's never left me and never given me reason to doubt Him.

 

What I don't know is this; Is this a season where I am supposed to stand BY my husband and demonstrate God's love to him in order to bring him back OR does God want me to LEAVE because he is hindering me from serving Him? 

 

I'm sorry for any misunderstandings. Again, I was writing that in a rush before I clocked out from work, so I was trying to get out as much as possible and didn't fully explain certain things. Thank you for taking the time to answer. I truly appreciate it. 

[Sevenseas]

 

He's not a student pastor anymore. Since we got pregnant out of wedlock, he resigned. He's not violently abusive. Verbally sometimes, but not every day. 

 

Honestly, I wrote that post in a bit of a rush. I agree with the getting checked out for STDs thing. I wanted to, but since I was a virgin before I met him (he's the only person I've ever been with), he took it as an insult and didn't want to do it. I wanted to save our marriage (this was back in April, when everything was still fresh), so I told him we didn't have to. (As I said, he keeps claiming that nothing physical was done with anyone). To a certain extent, I do believe him (because he's not the type to spend a lot of time away from home), but he could have easily spent one hour with someone in between work and home. I don't think he slept with a bunch of people. The homosexual stuff was via text messages and email on craiglists. And the girl was texts and facebook. But he worked with her for quite a bit of time. 

 

He did show remorse. He felt very guilty and practically begged me to stay around. I caught him watching pornography a month after it happened and I told him if I find ANYTHING EVER AGAIN, and I will find out if he does (because I'm a good detective) , that both his daughter and I would be done. Ever since THAT day, he hasn't even tested the waters (as far as I can see through Covenant Eyes and my own monitoring of his Facebook and accounts). 

 

I already was a little on the fence when his ugly "verbal abuse" side came out before we were married. He's improved a lot, but he's hit a wall and I can't get him to see past it. He has a weird work schedule (he works overnight, so he sleeps from 1pm to 7pm), but no matter what I do, I can't get him to at the very least go to church. He went to ONE small group with me after our daughter was born, but never went again. In his defense, the small group was late at night, so he didn't sleep much that night, but everything is an excuse. He's a good leader, but spiritually, he's not leading this family. 

 

I appreciate the tough love. Maybe you're right. It's why I asked for an opinion here. I need to see it from an outside perspective. 

 

 

 

Hey ~

 

Glad you got back.  Emotional abuse can be just as destructive as physical abuse....the long term effects of emotional abuse are documented and often

can sidetrack a person's life.  You end up with bruises all over soul instead of your body.  

 

Please get yourself checked out...you don't need his permission.  Who cares if he is insulted.  That is just more manipulation on his part.  Please think for

yourself..... 

 

My first marriage was pretty much like what you describe...without the homosexual element, but I also got hit, pushed, punched and thrown.  God knows how

much I tried and how many times I forgave.  What I didn't understand, was that Ihad married an immature, narcisstic bully who would never honor his

marriage vows.  

 

I understand the begging and pleading and the 'I'll never do that again...'...Everything was blamed on me and when it came down to the wire, he lied about

absolutely everything until one day he ended up in the hospital and spilled all his secrets to the doctor.  He had gall bladder problems (no doubt brought on

by his beer drinking and comsumption of fat foods) but the doctor at first thought he had hepatitus.  I learned, throught the doctor, that my 'husband' had visited

whores and done other things that made me reel inside.

 

I never got into bed with him again and finally went through a painful, nasty and expensive divorce.  He had also had an affair with one of his best friends' wives.

 

I could write a book on how this type of person manipulates and makes the other person feel that if they only tried harder, or maybe were prettier or maybe they

should loose weight or maybe this and maybe that.

 

Do you see what I am saying?   I know how you feel and I understand what is going on.  Your self esteem is somewhere between the curb and the sidewalk and

you keep hoping and you want to believe him....yet, here you are because deep down you know it is not going to change.

 

I stayed for 9 years because I thought God expected me to stay.  I believe I might be dead by now if I had stayed.  

 

What makes you think because you have 'Covenant Eyes' installed he can't use another phone?  God's eyes are on him and they are on you too.

 

Anyone with half a brain can work around any type of monitoring you can install.  When a person is devious, they can look you straight in the eye and lie so

convincingly, that you think you are the guilty one and you had them all wrong.

 

 

 

I already was a little on the fence when his ugly "verbal abuse" side came out before we were married. He's improved a lot, but he's hit a wall and I can't get him to see past it. He has a weird work schedule (he works overnight, so he sleeps from 1pm to 7pm), but no matter what I do, I can't get him to at the very least go to church. He went to ONE small group with me after our daughter was born, but never went again. In his defense, the small group was late at night, so he didn't sleep much that night, but everything is an excuse. He's a good leader, but spiritually, he's not leading this family. 

 

It's not up to you to change him.  Why do you think you should defend him?  Read what I wrote about my abusive husband.  I defended him for years until I finally

admitted it was no use and I was going to end up dead from the physical abuse or worse....get AIDS or something.

 

I only write about my own experience to help you.  I am not a weak person and never was....but even intelligent women fall for the wrong man....please, consider what I wrote

and the advise I have given you.

 

I have not told you to divorce him, but nothing will change with you in the picture.

 

I pray you help yourself and make your situation known to whoever can help you.

 

I should mention, he was also a 'Christian' who wanted to run to church any time he thought I might leave.  His 'salvation' only stuck long enough for

me to go back to him and then the cycle would start all over again.

[desi2007]

Hello dancingwithdaises,

Marriage is hard I do agree. This might be the hardest path you will ever walk. Usually things dont break over night ..nor do they fix over night. Only God knows the complexities of human relationships. I dont know what to tell you here. Only you know how you feel. Ask God to invite kindness, compassion and fogiveness in the midst of all this. God can give you the super natural in your marriage. There is always Hope...for a turn around. If your willing to work at it and willing to invite the spirit of God into this journey ..it can be repairable. Hardest journey you may ever take. Praying for you.

desi