What to do...what to do....

[carlos123]

I don't know if I can really offer anything better than prayer for you and your wife right now.  Accept to say that my impression is that you both need to take some time off and try to re-connect with one another, in spite of the stress of being out of work and the finances.  Now probably would be a good time to take a short and very cheap vacation - even if it's just unplugging the phone and hanging out at home.  And maybe even seeing a professional counselor wouldn't hurt? 

Good thoughts Ovedya. Thanks. I'll see what we can do if I can get over the hurt I feel in my own heart in regard to some things she has done to me in the past.

Incidentally what I have shared so far isn't the half of it. Our financial troubles are absolute peanuts compared to everything else in terms of being stressful. At least for me though not neccessarily for my wife, for whom security is a very big thing.

Our 16 year old daughter, my wife's deterioting health and mine for that matter, my relationship with my dad, the world situation in the news, my Christian walk or rather lack of a walk right now, trying to get a business off the ground, the pro-homosexual society around me here in Canada, the weather, lack of eating well, having creditors after us, you name it. There's lots more in our lives stressing us out with no end in sight than just being out of work. I wish it were just that simple .

Carlos

[carlos123]

For those of you that have been following this thread and perhaps praying for me and my wife I am happy to report that things have calmed down considerably. My wife definitely wants me to stay and has admitted that what she said she said in anger but that it did not represent the desire of her heart.

My stress levels have gone way, way down now that I have quit my job and am moving on to bigger and better things.

My wife is supportive of me in starting my own business as long as I do not take several months to get started (a valid point). Given that I need to start making within a week or two I don't think that will happen because if I cannot make a go of it or at least seem to be headed that way in a real and substantial way within two weeks, it's back to any ol hum drum job that I can get.

My wife is no longer screaming or otherwise yelling at me (at least today) and even asked me to hold her earlier to help comfort her (I assume). She got her mouth operated on today (to add to everything else she was going through) and needed some conforting.

I thought the sushi and cheese I bought her last night might be paying off in terms of softening her a bit (not sure - it's hard to tell ). She has gone through an incredible amount of stuff lately. Last week an ambulance had to take her to the hospital (first time that has ever happened to her) as everyone thought she was having a heart attack. You should have seen me rushing home thinking I was going to be saying my last good byes. It turned out to be something that mimics a heart attack but is not thank God.

Anyway things have calmed down and things are much better today. Just thought I would let you all know. Of course one cannot discount any prayers offered up on our behalf. That ol' devil might have had other plans for us utterly derailing at the seams but for now, for today, things are going much better. As Jesus said live one day at a time and let tommorrow take care of itself heh (not to imply that planning is bad by the way)?. . (By the way the "heh" was my attempt to be somewhat Canadian though the way it came out in the last sentence made it seem like I was mocking what Jesus said )

Life goes on. One day at a time. I often wish at times like those I have gone through recently that I could just die and go to be with the Lord in heaven. What a glorious day that will be. One minute into eternity all that this life has to offer will seem like a distant memory.

Carlos

[Matthitjah]

Carlos,

Praise God brother.

It sounds like you really Love that woman and she Loves you too. The greatest thing is that God Loves you both and has put you two together for His Glory.

Sounds like she may have been having a panic attack bro. Most likely stress. Just like you. Sounds like a lot of things going on in your life?

Be a beacon of Love for that woman bro.

You see you can hold on by the very Grace of God. You've got to make it to the feet of Jesus. Then the light peeling off of you will blaze a trail for your wife to follow.

Kinda like Jesus and His Bride;

Joh

[carlos123]

Do you worship together? You've got a two ply cord right there in your own Home. Where two or more come together in His name? There He is. Declare victory in your home with a two ply cord bro.

Thanks for your encouraging words Dave. I appreciate it very much.

No we don't worship together. We did some when we first got married but long since stopped doing that.

My wife told me yesterday that she will never again be the kind of Christian she was when we first got married. Such statements don't change anything for me. It's par for the course so to speak. But it does prevent us worshipping together. A big part of that too though is my doing since I still don't know how to get over some things she did to me that she has never repented for.

We'll be calling around later this week to find someone to talk in front of. Who might be able to help us see styles of communicating and otherwise that we might be blind to.

By the way it just struck me that you are the Dave I communicated with a while back. Wayne's good friend right? Sorry I never got back to you on the stuff we were discussing Dave but I got so incredibly busy (and stressed out ) that I failed to get back to a number of people including you.

Carlos

[Quizzy]

Hmmmmm, Carlos, I totally hear what's going on with you and your situation. Hmmm, I don't mean to be blunt (well yes i do), i don't mean to be tactless, but not once, did I hear you say that you were partly to blame for problems in your marriage. Having gone through marriage counselling, it is imperative to note that in a marriage, there are things that BOTH people do and attribute to the health or disintegration of a marriage. I hear your hurt in a lot of this, but do you know what the root of her hurt is?

I think that sometimes to fix problems we need to look inwards, not outwards, we can only change ourselves (through God's guidance and prompting), not other people. We have to ability to make choices, are we going to be a victim, or are we going to make changes for the better.

Just my humblest thoughts on this situation.

Praying for this situation

Love Quizzy

[carlos123]

Hi Quizzy. Thanks very much for your input. Well put and something I need to consider and admit in so far as I am definitely part of the problem. There is no question that I am a part of the problem. Just not the bigger part .

I guess it's tough for me to see where the problem with me might lie Quizzy. I do believe that I am part of the problem. For sure. Just not sure where other than what seems obvious.

Namely I have been very short and blunt with my wife in the past though I do not think that I am being that as much if at all at this point in time. Still I have that tendency.

I also quite frankly do not understand women and often think that they are more of a problem than they are worth. So some of the problem may be related to my perhaps warped view of the role of women's emotions or other characteristics of womanhood. I can count on one hand the number of women that I have met and gotten to know somewhat in my life whose walk with God was of the kind that exhibits a quiet and gentle spirit. Most that I have met are boisterous, overly led by their emotions even in spiritual matters, gossipy, fickle, and so forth.

I also have a tendency to be judgemental. And that alone is not good at all.

I get angry and express things in anger rather than love quite often.

So yeah, for sure there are things in me that have inevitably affected my wife. I guess I just don't understand why my wife has such seeming difficulty with getting over things or moving on. I guess in part it's her expressed lack of willingness to follow God at this point though I think deep inside she still does want to follow Him. She just doesn't quite know how to deal with the tumble of emotions and perspectives rolling around inside her at this time I think.

And certainly I need to be patient and love her ever still.

Carlos

[Quizzy]

Hi Quizzy.  Thanks very much for your input.  Well put and something I need to consider and admit in so far as I am definitely part of the problem.  There is no question that I am a part of the problem.  Just not the bigger part . 

Not saying you are or aren't, but what makes you so sure?

I guess it's tough for me to see where the problem with me might lie Quizzy.  I do believe that I am part of the problem.  For sure.  Just not sure where other than what seems obvious. 

This is where you and the Lord come in, ask Him, he'll tell you, and your wife would be wise to do the same, it's sure no fun looking at yourself, it's darn hard, and sure a lot harder to look at yourself and a lot easier to point to the speck in someone else's eye

Namely I have been very short and blunt with my wife in the past though I do not think that I am being that as much if at all at this point in time.  Still I have that tendency. 

I also quite frankly do not understand women and often think that they are more of a problem than they are worth. 

I personally would say this is a real key issue, if you wanted my opinion, that's almost an abusive attitude

So some of the problem may be related to my perhaps warped view of the role of women's emotions or other characteristics of womanhood.  I can count on one hand the number of women that I have met and gotten to know somewhat in my life whose walk with God was of the kind that exhibits a quiet and gentle spirit.  Most that I have met are boisterous, overly led by their emotions even in spiritual matters, gossipy, fickle, and so forth. 

I will be the first to agree with you to a point here, but then again, it's not just women who have these characteristics

I also have a tendency to be judgemental.  And that alone is not good at all. 

I get angry and express things in anger rather than love quite often. 

So yeah, for sure there are things in me that have inevitably affected my wife.

This may be a turning point?

I guess I just don't understand why my wife has such seeming difficulty with getting over things or moving on.  I guess in part it's her expressed lack of willingness to follow God at this point though I think deep inside she still does want to follow Him.  She just doesn't quite know how to deal with the tumble of emotions and perspectives rolling around inside her at this time I think.

Back to focusing on what's wrong with her? 

And certainly I need to be patient and love her ever still. 

Will continue to lift your situation up, and pray for you my friend 

Carlos

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[carlos123]

I also quite frankly do not understand women and often think that they are more of a problem than they are worth. 

I personally would say this is a real key issue, if you wanted my opinion, that's almost an abusive attitude

Hmmm....I think I might start another thread to help me solicit input on my attitude toward women to see if the Lord might not be able to help me iron it out. I mean I think what I think and I can't rightly see a way around it since women have been what they have been in my experience of them. I've experienced what I have. There's no way around that. And such experiences have left me with a view of women that is not good to say the least. Yet I cannot get around such a view if all I ever continue to experience is more of the same.

About the only thing that has helped me view women more favorably in the past has been the realization that most women that I have met in life have been unbelievers. Walking around in their flesh and given to sin within their hearts. Resulting in all the gossipy, emotion controlled, unclear in their communications, ways of being that I have experienced.

I suppose conversely that the same could be said of men. But overall I would rather meet a man walking around under the control of the flesh than a woman doing the same anyday I think. Then again men can be pretty bad in their flesh too but at least you can appeal to their logic and reason. With a woman it seems that all you can do is just stand there until her emotions subside. Which can take quite a long time depending on how much their emotions have been riled up by something.

Carlos

[carlos123]

I guess I just don't understand why my wife has such seeming difficulty with getting over things or moving on.  I guess in part it's her expressed lack of willingness to follow God at this point though I think deep inside she still does want to follow Him.  She just doesn't quite know how to deal with the tumble of emotions and perspectives rolling around inside her at this time I think.

Back to focusing on what's wrong with her? 

I don't think it's wrong to focus on one or the other Quizzy. I know in some Christian circles it's almost considered taboo or wrong to bring into focus what someone else may be doing wrong. And considered right to only focus on ourselves and what we may be doing wrong. I subscribe to the belief that it's best to be realistic and recognize that there is some that is wrong with me and some thaty may be wrong with others. And that there is nothing wrong with shifting the focus back and forth in an effort to arrive at the truth of what is happening in a relationship.

To be sure I canot force my wife or anyone else to change Quizzy but that does not mean that it's wrong to focus, in line with understanding a relational problem, on what the other person may be doing wrong. As long as I don't focus just on them only without any consideration or admission of what I may be doing wrong on my part.

Does that make sense?

Carlos

[carlos123]

Incidentally Quizzy I did not realize that you were a woman until just now when I looked into your profile :

I hope I didn't offend you in anything I said.

Carlos