My daughter's wedding

[Dr3ams]

My kids, who are all grown now, were raised in a church where my brother-in-law is the pastor. My daughter is engaged to be married and wants to have the wedding at the church previously mentioned. My newly minted son-in-law to be is Turkish and comes from a Muslim background. He is not Muslim. He left the religion when he was 14. He is also not a Christian, but goes willingly with us to church. We live in Germany and in the state where we are there is a very large population of Turkish immigrants. One of my daughter's best friends is a Turkish girl who so happens to be a Muslim. The girl's parents, knowing that I am an American and that we are Christians, allowed their daughter to be friends with mine. That included dinners at our house and my daughter staying nights at theirs. We as a family do our best to show my daughter's friend that we are believers in Jesus in every way we can.

Here is my dilemma. My daughter has picked her best friend to be a bride's maid. The friend will be attending the wedding at the church wearing a green Hijab (a veil traditionally worn by Muslim women in the presence of adult males outside of their immediate family) with a matching dress. She will be walking in accompanied by my youngest son, who is 19, followed by the other bride's maids and their chaperones. When my wife and her family got wind of this, they immediately protested. There was one exception though, my brother-in-law the pastor, gave his permission. 

My daughter's first reaction to the protests was to come to me. I am on her side, but what I said to her, I'll explain later. 

The bride's maid has been chosen. Members of the church are going to assume a great many things even before the wedding is over. On the stage standing on one side of my daughter will be a young German/Turkish man, who has a dynamic character, is a Paratrooper in the German army and has been lovingly welcomed into my family.  On the other side is a young German/Turkish woman who has a gentle and thoughtful character and also has been lovingly welcomed into our family. To the church members it will appear as if we have embraced Islam, nothing could be further from the truth. We are Christians, that will never change.

Some of my wife's family members are asking me to change my daughter's mind, to convince her to demote her best friend from bride's maid to a bench warmer. This has obviously caused some tension between me and the Mrs. too. 

I'm very interested to read your advice and opinions.

Edited September 20, 2016 by Dr3ams

[GoodFruit]

I would not try to change your daughter’s mind to convince her to find a different bridesmaid.  She obviously looks beyond the girl’s religion and sees a person – who she has befriended.  Personally I would say to embrace it as an opportunity to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  You never know if God is purposely orchestrating this to bring unbelievers to Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit.  Maybe this wedding will be enough to make them question their own beliefs.  God certainly works in mysterious ways so therefore I would pray deeply that this wedding is an avenue for the Holy Spirit to touch the lives of unbelievers.  How else are they ever going to know about Jesus if we as believers don’t show them the way?  As far as your friends thinking that you support Islam I think that is your own pride and ego getting in the way of being a witness of God’s truth to those who so desperately need it.  Never be ashamed to proclaim Christ or shirk back in any fashion to feel comfortable and accepted by others.  If they can't see this as an opportunity to lead others to Christ, then maybe they should evaluate their Christian beliefs themselves.  Apparently the Muslim’s involved in the wedding have no problem with being a part of a Christian ceremony, why should your family and/or friends mind them being a part of it?  You never know where it will lead.  Pray about it.

 

 

  

[missmuffet]

1 hour ago, Dr3ams said:

My kids, who are all grown now, were raised in a church where my brother-in-law is the pastor. My daughter is engaged to be married and wants to have the wedding at the church previously mentioned. My newly minted son-in-law to be is Turkish and comes from a Muslim background. He is not Muslim. He left the religion when he was 14. He is also not a Christian, but goes willingly with us to church. We live in Germany and in the state where we are there is a very large population of Turkish immigrants. One of my daughter's best friends is a Turkish girl who so happens to be a Muslim. The girl's parents, knowing that I am an American and that we are Christians, allowed their daughter to be friends with mine. That included dinners at our house and my daughter staying nights at theirs. We as a family do our best to show my daughter's friend that we are believers in Jesus in every way we can.

Here is my dilemma. My daughter has picked her best friend to be a bride's maid. The friend will be attending the wedding at the church wearing a green Hijab (a veil traditionally worn by Muslim women in the presence of adult males outside of their immediate family) with a matching dress. She will be walking in accompanied by my youngest son, who is 19, followed by the other bride's maids and their chaperones. When my wife and her family got wind of this, they immediately protested. There was one exception though, my brother-in-law the pastor, gave his permission. 

My daughter's first reaction to the protests was to come to me. I am on her side, but what I said to her, I'll explain later. 

The bride's maid has been chosen. Members of the church are going to assume a great many things even before the wedding is over. On the stage standing on one side of my daughter will be a young German/Turkish man, who has a dynamic character, is a Paratrooper in the German army and has been lovingly welcomed into my family.  On the other side is a young German/Turkish woman who has a gentle and thoughtful character and also has been lovingly welcomed into our family. To the church members it will appear as if we have embraced Islam, nothing could be further from the truth. We are Christians, that will never change.

Some of my wife's family members are asking me to change my daughter's mind, to convince her to demote her best friend from bride's maid to a bench warmer. This has obviously caused some tension between me and the Mrs. too. 

I'm very interested to read your advice and opinions.

I would not embrace several scenarios of this relationship and this marriage. First of all this is an unevenly yoked marriage. The Bible warns Christians not to be involved in an unevenly yoked relationship. The Christian religion and the Muslim belief are very different. I would be hesitant to mix the two in a Christian ceremony. Why is your BIL who is the Pastor condoning this?

[RustyAngeL]

I'm not as worried about the bridesmaid as I am about the marriage.  What is to stop him from returning to the Muslim religion?  That would scare me.  I guess your daughter has made up her mind.  To me however the fact your son in law is willing to go to church could go either way.  Muslims are very controlling of women.  I hope he doesn't turn out to be  a wolf in sheep's clothing and begins to rule with an iron fist.  Just a little nervous. As for the bridesmaid let it go.

[Dr3ams]

1 hour ago, GoodFruit said:

Personally I would say to embrace it as an opportunity to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  You never know if God is purposely orchestrating this to bring unbelievers to Christ through the power of the Holy Spirit. 

I agree. When my daughter came to me and asked my advice, this is one of the several topics we discussed.

 

1 hour ago, missmuffet said:

First of all this is an unevenly yoked marriage.

I see your point, but some of the worst marriages I've seen were those of Christians. Choosing a Believer is no guarantee that it will be a happy and harmonious marriage. I've spent much time with my daughters fiancee and have closely observed how his character functions. It's personal experience and knowledge that has led me to say yes to this marriage.

 

2 hours ago, missmuffet said:

The Christian religion and the Muslim belief are very different.

The fiancee is not a Muslim, in fact he hates Islam. When he was young he was punished, borderline tortured by his Muslim teachers. At 14 he ran away from home and Islam to live with his uncle who is not a Muslim. There he renounced the religion and was subsequently kicked out of the family. He stayed with his non Muslim uncle for some time before he joined the German army. He loves God, and he prays often, even with us, but in his heart he doesn't know who God is. We have had long discussions about the subject and I have shared the Gospel with him on numerous occasions. God will save him, this I know for sure.

2 hours ago, missmuffet said:

I would be hesitant to mix the two in a Christian ceremony. Why is your BIL who is the Pastor condoning this?

I thought about this for quite a while. I came to the conclusion that if we are to show who Christ is then we as Believers can't be too exclusive. That doesn't mean to be overly inclusive so as to dilute our own relationship with Jesus or to water down the Gospel, but to allow non-believers close enough not to just hear Jesus coming out of our lips, but close enough to see Jesus in us.

[RustyAngeL]

I pray you are right.  However God told believers not to be unequally yoked for a reason.  

I wish your daughter as much happiness as I had with my husband for 25 years before he passed away.

[missmuffet]

34 minutes ago, Dr3ams said:

I agree. When my daughter came to me and asked my advice, this is one of the several topics we discussed.

 

I see your point, but some of the worst marriages I've seen were those of Christians. Choosing a Believer is no guarantee that it will be a happy and harmonious marriage. I've spent much time with my daughters fiancee and have closely observed how his character functions. It's personal experience and knowledge that has led me to say yes to this marriage.

 

The fiancee is not a Muslim, in fact he hates Islam. When he was young he was punished, borderline tortured by his Muslim teachers. At 14 he ran away from home and Islam to live with his uncle who is not a Muslim. There he renounced the religion and was subsequently kicked out of the family. He stayed with his non Muslim uncle for some time before he joined the German army. He loves God, and he prays often, even with us, but in his heart he doesn't know who God is. We have had long discussions about the subject and I have shared the Gospel with him on numerous occasions. God will save him, this I know for sure.

I thought about this for quite a while. I came to the conclusion that if we are to show who Christ is then we as Believers can't be too exclusive. That doesn't mean to be overly inclusive so as to dilute our own relationship with Jesus or to water down the Gospel, but to allow non-believers close enough not to just hear Jesus coming out of our lips, but close enough to see Jesus in us.

"I see your point, but some of the worst marriages I've seen were those of Christians."

That really does not make sense. Were these Christians in name only "fake Christians" or genuine born again Christians? There is quite a difference.

"Choosing a Believer is no guarantee that it will be a happy and harmonious marriage"

There is a much higher success of two born again people joining in marriage for that marriage to be successful than a couple who are not Christians but in name only. The born again Christian is going to give their marriage to God 100%.

"and he prays often, even with us, but in his heart he doesn't know who God is."

So this man is not a Christian. That is why I said that the marriage is unevenly yolked which can turn out to be a disaster. Maybe this man could come to know God and ask Jesus Christ into his life to be his Lord and Savior before your daughter marries him.

"I thought about this for quite a while. I came to the conclusion that if we are to show who Christ is then we as Believers can't be too exclusive. That doesn't mean to be overly inclusive so as to dilute our own relationship with Jesus or to water down the Gospel, but to allow non-believers close enough not to just hear Jesus coming out of our lips, but close enough to see Jesus in us."

Being a born again Christian means to stand up for everything God is and everything that God wants us to be. We see those examples in the Holy Bible. We can not do as the world does but what Jesus Christ wants us to do. That is being an obedient Christian. Yes, we are to be examples of the unbelievers around us but that does not mean that your daughter would marry an unbeliever.

 

 

 

[Dr3ams]

26 minutes ago, RustyAngeL said:

I pray you are right.  However God told believers not to be unequally yoked for a reason.

I agree. But when my daughter moved out her relationship with Christ suffered. When she met her fiancee they were both in the spiritual void. He was the one who encouraged her to get back into church and to keep praying, even for him.

 

45 minutes ago, RustyAngeL said:

What is to stop him from returning to the Muslim religion?  That would scare me.

This was my concern from the beginning and the reason why I spent so much time with him. His father hasn't been in his life since he was four, he has sort of adopted me for that position. This means that I have his attention. I have made it clear to him, that we (me and my two large sons) take my daughter's well being seriously. Any second thoughts about Islam will result in her living with us and him ejected from the family. Any physical harm will be avenged with three heavy sticks. He understood.

[missmuffet]

1 hour ago, RustyAngeL said:

I'm not as worried about the bridesmaid as I am about the marriage.  What is to stop him from returning to the Muslim religion?  That would scare me.  I guess your daughter has made up her mind.  To me however the fact your son in law is willing to go to church could go either way.  Muslims are very controlling of women.  I hope he doesn't turn out to be  a wolf in sheep's clothing and begins to rule with an iron fist.  Just a little nervous. As for the bridesmaid let it go.

That would be terrifying. And you just do not know. The daughter is an adult. All the parents can do is pray for her. Pray for her ALOT!!

[Dr3ams]

16 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

That really does not make sense. Were these Christians in name only "fake Christians" or genuine born again Christians? There is quite a difference.

Do you think because a Christian couple has serious martial problems (even catastrophic ones) that they are fake Christians? I think judging a book by it's cover applies here. 

22 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

There is a much higher success of two born again people joining in marriage for that marriage to be successful than a couple who are not Christians but in name only. The born again Christian is going to give their marriage to God 100%.

I have seen equally successful marriages of non-believers. Marriage requires commitment, compassion, conviction, empathy, truth, etc...these are not exclusive to Christians. Though they can be enhanced because of our relationship with Jesus, that doesn't always happen with every Christian couple for various reasons.

 

30 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

So this man is not a Christian. That is why I said that the marriage is unevenly yolked which can turn out to be a disaster. Maybe this man could come to know God and ask Jesus Christ into his life to be his Lord and Savior before your daughter marries him.

This could turn out to be a disaster, or it could not. There is no guarantee either way. I agree with many of your points, but this is not a perfect world and we can't have everything we want. My experiences in life have taught me to reach higher but also to work with what you've been given. 

 

34 minutes ago, missmuffet said:

Being a born again Christian means to stand up for everything God is and everything that God wants us to be. We see those examples in the Holy Bible. We can not do as the world does but what Jesus Christ wants us to do. That is being an obedient Christian. Yes, we are to be examples of the unbelievers around us but that does not mean that your daughter would marry an unbeliever.

My daughter is marrying someone she is deeply in love with. My future son-in-law is marrying someone he is deeply in love with. To find someone that you can't honestly live without and with whom you have everything in common is a rare thing indeed these days. 

1 Cor. 7:12-14

But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.