Faith

[Tyler22]

For those of you that know my story, I am in no way mocking God on this room.  It may sound like it but I speak in sincerity.  Secondly I have concluded for a fact that I have either been given over by God into a unforgivable heart (reprobation, unpardonable sin, seared conscience) or am very close to it.  Thirdly  this is still is ongoing.  I continue to harden my heart in fear, and its just like trying to climb out of a hole and people keep dumping dirt on you.  IT IS VERY HARD.  This also occurs when praying.  Again the issue is that I harden my heart out of fear.  Again its not as easy as saying "Tyler stop hardening your hardening your heart then!"  Again I am DEEP in this sin.  So saying "Come to Christ then" is not easy either because Im not praying out of belief or even from the heart.  They are just words.  Lies you could say.  I dont mean them sincerely.  I believe you have to call on the Lord in BELIEVE to be saved.  Anyone could say Lord i need you.  He isnt going to bother someone who doesnt mean in in the VERY DEPTH OF THEIR BEING.  So even though this may seem carnal.... (i dont know, is it?), I was thinking that by reading the Bible and praying ( i have the motivation to do this) and (for faith comes by hearing) for the rest of my life (or until i get saved, if that is possible) would be a way to salvation.  I dont want flattery i want TRUTH.  If i cant be saved dont flatter me saying God loves you forgives you etc.  I was thinking that maybe if i prayed and read the Bible enough (like for a long period of time, not stopping until something happens) , somehow I could get to the point where my heart would soften to the point where i can have SAVING FAITH IN JESUS CHRIST. ?