Still Single After All These Years

[Guest mykemo]

How much effort should we put into finding a mate?

I recently turned 40 and I have never been married. If I live to the average age of 72, then more than 50 percent of my life is already gone. I dated until my late 20's when I went a Singles Seminar. It had the same basic theme as Joshua Harris' book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." He said the western concept of dating was a recent invention and mainly in western industrialized countries and we should leave finding a mate in Gods hands.

What he said made sense so I stopped dating altogether. Now over a decade later and I am no closer to having a life mate than before. My heart just aches to share my love with that someone special.

My question is how much effort should we put into finding a mate?

What about joining Christian dating sites?

What about eHarmony.com?

What about someone from overseas (using an online matchmaking service)?

I have not met anyone at church to marry.

I have not met anyone at work to marry.

I have not met anyone through friends to marry.

I have not met anyone through volunteer activities to marry.

I have not met anyone at he grocery store to marry.

I have not met anyone at social events to marry.

I have not met anyone at singles events (potlucks, Halloween alternatives, seminars, etc.) to marry.

I see people all around me getting married. Are all of them so much better than me that they "deserve" to get married? Did they do something "earn" getting blessed by God with a wonderful spouse and I did not?

I also see some getting a second and third go around (re-married) and I still have not even been married once.

There are so many things I want to do, but I want to do them with that someone special.

I want to ride the Orient Express train from London to Moscow to Hong Kong - with that someone special.

I want to go to one of the fruit orchids where you can pick your own fruit - with that someone special.

I want to go for Sunday afternoon rides in the country - with that someone special.

I want to go away for the weekend on the spur of the moment - with that someone special.

I want to come home and share the exciting news I heard today - with that someone special.

I want to go strolling hand-in-hand through a local festival, sampling different foods, listening to live music, looking at the unusual art work - with that someone special.

I want to go explore a new city, get lost and find some little out-of-way, hole-in-the-wall cafe that we will recall in our memories as "our special place" - with that someone special.

I want to have that certain moment that a song becomes part of our life experience and it becomes "our song" - with that someone special.

I thought I was supposed to not actively seek someone out so that God would bring the right person in my life. Did I misunderstand the concept?

Should I take a more active role? How much more? Is registering with an online matchmaking service enough or too far? What about singles events? What is acceptable and what is too much?

Any ideas would be appreciated. Any scripture to back up your suggestions?

[Constant]

I have a couple of friends who met their spouses at bars. Love strikes you anywhere. Just don't look so hard!

[Guest mykemo]

I have a couple of friends who met their spouses at bars.  Love strikes you anywhere.  Just don't look so hard!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I do not hang out in bars and I do not drink, so that is out.

The point is I can not be trying too hard, because I an not trying at all. I have been leaving it all in God's hands. But since I had not made any effort at all in finding a mate, I am questioning if I am not doing my part by being more proactive. Should I be taking a more active role, such as eHarmony.com, a matchmaker, etc.?

[paperflowers]

boy do I feel you on this one!!!!

You could have it like me. I have dated and I am still without a mate. Try finding someone that you have feelings for and he is a cheater. Got married behind my back. Proves you don't know what they are doing behind your back. Another one is confused about what he wants to do in his life. I'm the third woman he has dated since his wife died. He says he's not there for me emtionally.

I am approaching 40.....so I feel ya.

Someone give us practical advice and soon.

I have a couple of friends who met their spouses at bars.

[ayin jade]

When I turned 30, after a long time without a date, I decided to give up on men period. I was going to learn how to be a happy single woman. All of this was while I was unsaved. I took a vacation by myself. I learned to enjoy going out by myself. And a few months later I met the man I would later marry. It was all in His timing.

I dont think there is a right way or a wrong way to find a spouse, except that we should marry a believer. That is such an important issue. I personally do not think there is anything wrong with using a dating service if you wish to. Relying on the Lord doesnt mean you cant look around. Why not get involved in some hobbies or activities that might help you meet someone? Talk to your pastor. Perhaps he can arrange for you to meet singles from other like minded congregations at some of their events. Pray always that the Lord takes care of any future spouse you might have.

I hope that helps.

[sheya joie]

My late husband was 43 when we met and got married. (I was in my late 20's.) We met after he started going to the church I was part of.

The funny thing is, I had just recently looked around at that church and thought how the 'pickings were slim' - that is, that I didn't think much of any of the bachelor men. About that same time, I told the LORD, 'Look, when the right guy shows up, let me know.'

And then Larry came into my life. We were amazingly perfectly suited for each other. We were married almost 14 years, until his death, and had 7 children together.

So 43 wasn't too old to get married.

I'm also trying to remember - wasn't C.S. Lewis in his 60's or so, when he married Joy?

[Guest Bro David™]

My late husband was 43 when we met and got married.  (I was in my late 20's.)  We met after he started going to the church I was part of.

The funny thing is, I had just recently looked around at that church and thought how the 'pickings were slim' - that is, that I didn't think much of any of the bachelor men.  About that same time, I told the LORD, 'Look, when the right guy shows up, let me know.'

And then Larry came into my life.  We were amazingly perfectly suited for each other.  We were married almost 14 years, until his death, and had 7 children together.

So 43 wasn't too old to get married.

I'm also trying to remember - wasn't C.S. Lewis in his 60's or so, when he married Joy?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

LOL Sheya you scare me everytime you say 43

[RGR]

[quote name='Bro David

[sandy]

In my mid 20's I too quit dating. I looked around and saw no one that I was interested in. Then I just decided to relax and trust God. When I was 26 I was in Israel with my family (we had a large tour group with us and a television crew to film my dad's show). I met the producer of my dad's program, but we didn't spend much time together or even talk the first few days. When the group left I stayed on with my parents as did the tv crew. We all went out one night to see Israeli folk dancing, singing, and comedy. That night he asked me to marry him and I said yes ! We were married seven months later. I was 27 and he was 33. That was 20 years ago and we are still happily married. It's easy sometimes to get tunnel vision, you know looking around you don't see anyone, but God is huge and He can take you around the world or around the corner to meet the one He has for you.

That being said I also have a couple of friends who have met their spouses through eharmony and are very happy together. That service wasn't available when I was single or I might have used it , who can know for sure. I don't think there's anything wrong with it as long as you are very prayerfully selective.

[Guest shiloh357]

How much effort should we put into finding a mate?

I recently turned 40 and I have never been married.  If I live to the average age of 72, then more than 50 percent of my life is already gone.  I dated until my late 20's when I went a Singles Seminar.  It had the same basic theme as Joshua Harris' book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye."  He said the western concept of dating was a recent invention and mainly in western industrialized countries and we should leave finding a mate in Gods hands.

What he said made sense so I stopped dating altogether.  Now over a decade later and I am no closer to having a life mate than before.  My heart just aches to share my love with that someone special. 

My question is how much effort should we put into finding a mate? 

What about joining Christian dating sites?

What about eHarmony.com?

What about someone from overseas (using an online matchmaking service)?

I have not met anyone at church to marry.

I have not met anyone at work to marry.

I have not met anyone through friends to marry.

I have not met anyone through volunteer activities to marry.

I have not met anyone at he grocery store to marry.

I have not met anyone at social events to marry.

I have not met anyone at singles events (potlucks, Halloween alternatives, seminars, etc.) to marry.

I see people all around me getting married.  Are all of them so much better than me that they "deserve" to get married?  Did they do something "earn" getting blessed by God with a wonderful spouse and I did not?

I also see some getting a second and third go around (re-married) and I still have not even been married once.

There are so many things I want to do, but I want to do them with that someone special.

I want to ride the Orient Express train from London to Moscow to Hong Kong - with that someone special.

I want to go to one of the fruit orchids where you can pick your own fruit - with that someone special.

I want to go for Sunday afternoon rides in the country - with that someone special.

I want to go away for the weekend on the spur of the moment - with that someone special.

I want to come home and share the exciting news I heard today - with that someone special.

I want to go strolling hand-in-hand through a local festival, sampling different foods, listening to live music, looking at the unusual art work - with that someone special.

I want to go explore a new city, get lost and find some little out-of-way, hole-in-the-wall cafe that we will recall in our memories as "our special place" - with that someone special.

I want to have that certain moment that a song becomes part of our life experience and it becomes "our song" - with that someone special.

I thought I was supposed to not actively seek someone out so that God would bring the right person in my life.  Did I misunderstand the concept?

Should I take a more active role?  How much more?  Is registering with an online matchmaking service enough or too far?  What about singles events?  What is acceptable and what is too much?

Any ideas would be appreciated.  Any scripture to back up your suggestions?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Singleness is not so bad...

I am 38, single, never been married, but I chose to manage my time wisely rather than worry about what is not happening in my life.

Instead of being concerned about finding a wife, use this time to examine yourself. Too often men are looking for "Mrs. Right" and have not put much thought into whether or not they are "Mr. Right?" Are you someone that a woman would want to be married to? Do you measure up?

You need to use this time of singleness to both serve the Lord, and allow Him to show you areas that you need to improve on in lieu of finding a wife. Use this as a time of preparation. The more stuff men improve on while they are single, the better husbands they will make, and the easier it is on their future wives.

I want you to look back at your original post, and note all the sentences that begin with the words, "I want..." Now is not the time to be thinking about what you want. Now is the time to work on yourself and make sure that you are the kind of man you need to be. Now is the time to think about what your future wife will want, and to make sure that what she wants, you are able to provide. Love is not about what you want.

Take some time to thank God for the good things He has brought into your life at this point. Use this time to seek ways to be a benefit and blessing to others. Let everything else fall where it may.