Wife fell out of love

[onedirection]

Hi John

The life groups are starting up at my church soon, so I intend to meet with a group of men that can help me out. My wife wouldn't be the person that would go to the church and start talking about this out in the open, she doesn't even want to discuss this with her own parents or sister. Her family has a culture of keeping things inside. All of our family interactions are cordial and upbeat, which to me comes off as fake at times. My family is the opposite. All of our demons are out on the table and everyone is in your business. Neither is right or wrong, just different.

We did revisit one place and talk about happy memories, but that is no quick fix. I have to just pray and wait her out. Eventually she needs to become fed up with the lack of intimacy and make some changes within herself to improve it. I've gone through my self-improvement much more rapidly than she has.

[Marilyn C]

On ‎8‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 4:49 AM, onedirection said:

I've gone through my self-improvement much more rapidly than she has.

Hi onedirection,

It`s great to read of the ongoing improvement in your relationship with each other. Now I have highlighted this sentence & hope this thought will help you. We all see from our perspective and what we think we can do well, maybe someone else can`t. However they maybe better at something we are not so good at.

Thus said, it seems you are `expecting` certain behaviours to show you that your wife is improving. You have your `yard stick,` however God has His. And His yard stick is much higher than ours. So if you think you have improved more rapidly than her, then your yard stick if flawed. `We are not to think more highly of ourselves than others,` God`s word tells us. This is the time for you to even bend lower and become more humble, even to the point of `washing feet,` as our Lord showed us. And that example refers to all sorts of menial, humbling, jobs that we actually would be repelled from.

The one to whom more grace is given, is to be a servant to others in everyday life. So...continue growing but not in `self-improvement,` (see the word SELF) but rather to be like Christ, by His Holy Spirit.

Do you know the difference? And how that takes place? Myself &/or others here would certainly love to help you understand the difference.

Hope that helps, bro.

[onedirection]

@Marilyn C

 

That is a legit criticism. I do need to work on humility.

I can tell you that I have given her 100% of everything she has asked for, I wake up early and make her breakfast, I do several acts of service without asking anything in return, I tell her I love her even though she won't say it to me, I lean in for a kiss although she turns her cheek, I live without any physical intimacy at all (no hugs, hand holding, or sex) without acting begrudging or angry towards her for months now.

Hopefully that demonstrates the washing feet mentality. In my flawed fleshly logic it feels almost impossible at times to not resent this. When this happens I pray and also try to put myself in her shoes and remind myself that she is struggling too, in a different way, nobody wants to live like this. Then I also remind myself that this is temporary.

The marriage will either improve, or she will leave us. If she leaves, the bible states to let them go. At that point it will be clear she has no spiritual conviction in all of this.

[John_Leung]

On 8/1/2018 at 1:49 PM, onedirection said:

Hi John

The life groups are starting up at my church soon, so I intend to meet with a group of men that can help me out. My wife wouldn't be the person that would go to the church and start talking about this out in the open, she doesn't even want to discuss this with her own parents or sister. Her family has a culture of keeping things inside. All of our family interactions are cordial and upbeat, which to me comes off as fake at times. My family is the opposite. All of our demons are out on the table and everyone is in your business. Neither is right or wrong, just different.

We did revisit one place and talk about happy memories, but that is no quick fix. I have to just pray and wait her out. Eventually she needs to become fed up with the lack of intimacy and make some changes within herself to improve it. I've gone through my self-improvement much more rapidly than she has.

Hi brother, sorry for the late reply.  May God bless the life group you're in and your next steps.  May He also kindle and soften your wife's heart, and be comfortable enough to open up to you and her own family.  Faith on, brother!

[Angelfishie]

@onedirection

I've read this thread through and am interested to see parallels to how I'm experiencing coming back from a massive relational earthquake, of which I admittedly had a huge part in allowing or facilitating the unfolding. 

My husband was caught out violating the terms of our relationship, and ultimately,  after eleven months of spiritual warfare,  prayer and a massive spiritual learning curve, I left. But within a month, he admitted his wrongdoings (after months of blunt persistent deflection or lies) and apologised and I chose to come back because of promptings from the Spirit about what my husband's annoiting is and God's purpose for his life. And my desire to see him free from his past and living in the fullness of abundant life. 

Now I'm in a place very similar to your current state. But there's no counselors - even if I could get him to agree to go, there is no one I trust in my town who shares our faith.

I feel for you brother and I totally relate. Happy to chat any time. 

[onedirection]

@Angelfishie

Wow, I'm assuming that was an affair. Kudos to you for forgiving that especially if kids were involved. I don't think I could handle such a transgression.

@Marilyn C

I need some help. My wife said 2 rude things to me yesterday and I'm struggling with setting my boundaries vs. letting it slide because "love is not irritable". What should I do?

#1 - My daughter was being afraid of a gnat and my wife snapped "you made them that way!". My position is that we should never say anything to each other that isn't in the spirit of affirmation.

#2 - Later that night my daughter (who is 4) was grabbing her privates at bedtime. I read that this can be normal and you're not to punish them. Despite all that my wife snapped "it must be hereditary, she doesn't get this from me!". I feel like that was an attack on me because one of the primary reasons our marriage has fallen apart is because I've been pushy for sex over the years. Trying to correlate the two doesn't seem fair. If she is harboring resentment I feel like I need to stamp it out.

The unconditional love 'school of thought' makes me feel like I should let this go, because these reactions are likely from built up resentment and I haven't my unconditional love enough time to settle in to erase the past. For example, the new me would never say something like "the kids raise their voice a lot because you screamed at them too much when they were little". And I would never say "well she does that ____ bad behavior because she probably gets it from you".

So what do I do? Let it slide and keep loving? Or calmly establish my boundaries in a loving way.

[Marilyn C]

20 hours ago, onedirection said:

 

@Marilyn C

I need some help. My wife said 2 rude things to me yesterday and I'm struggling with setting my boundaries vs. letting it slide because "love is not irritable". What should I do?

#1 - My daughter was being afraid of a gnat and my wife snapped "you made them that way!". My position is that we should never say anything to each other that isn't in the spirit of affirmation.

#2 - Later that night my daughter (who is 4) was grabbing her privates at bedtime. I read that this can be normal and you're not to punish them. Despite all that my wife snapped "it must be hereditary, she doesn't get this from me!". I feel like that was an attack on me because one of the primary reasons our marriage has fallen apart is because I've been pushy for sex over the years. Trying to correlate the two doesn't seem fair. If she is harboring resentment I feel like I need to stamp it out.

The unconditional love 'school of thought' makes me feel like I should let this go, because these reactions are likely from built up resentment and I haven't my unconditional love enough time to settle in to erase the past. For example, the new me would never say something like "the kids raise their voice a lot because you screamed at them too much when they were little". And I would never say "well she does that ____ bad behavior because she probably gets it from you".

So what do I do? Let it slide and keep loving? Or calmly establish my boundaries in a loving way.

Hi Onedirection,

 

I appreciate you opening up and asking advice. Now all of us in relationships need to address these issues. So here are my thoughts and what has helped my hubby and me over the years and still work through.

 

1.Small irritations - we just need to move on.

 

2.Rudeness when speaking to each other - ask the person could they say it better, or is there something wrong?

 

3.Bringing up the past - this indicates built up hurt and resentment. AND YOU can`t STAMP it out. Only understanding and repentance, saying sorry will bring healing.

 

Now resentment is a big blockage in a relationship and usually the other person does not have any idea what or why they are being blamed. You see we all hurt each other without realising it, and also men and women think and see some things differently. If this goes on too long and not addressed in a caring way then the other person `shuts down` emotionally. This is what is happening with you and your wife.

 

So in your situation your wife has been hurt, (obviously without you meaning to) and to try and STAMP it out will only bring in more pain and suffering to both of you.

 

What is needed is healing and that only comes with understanding and care for the other`s feelings. Thus you need to find a quiet time with your wife and sit down together. Tell her you have been thinking about what she said and realise that you have hurt her over the years. Tell her that you love her and that you wanted to be close but that came over as `pushy` and that you were not thoughtful of her feelings, just selfish of your own.

 

Ask her if she would like to tell it from her side and that that will help you understand what it is like from her perspective..........

Then ask for forgiveness, `Can you forgive me?` Apologise, say sorry and tell her that you will certainly work more on trying to understand her feelings.

 

Finally pray out loud and ask the Lord for forgiveness for hurting your wife and not being thoughtful of her feelings. And ask the Lord to help you be more thoughtful of your wife.

 

Thank your wife for listening and helping to work through such an important issue.

 

Praying, Marilyn.

[onedirection]

@Marilyn C

You are correct my wife has been hurt over the years, we both have. We were both basically doing all the love busters and got disconnected. I have completely eliminated all love busters for over a month now. No one is perfect, but at the moment I feel like I'm batting a .1000. So therefore what I think we're dealing with is just patience and time to heal.

Regarding the forgiveness and elaborating on the reasoning behind the past, we have already covered this. About 2-3 weeks ago my wife said she forgives me and is not holding onto any resentment. Despite her saying that, actions speak louder than words, there are obviously some old patterns she hasn't broken out of yet which is why I reported those few love busters in the previous thread.

I decided not to confront her on it, I already forgave her and moved on. I think what I need to do is rehearse my response to these situations so I'm better prepared next time to deal with it in the moment. I like your idea of "is there something wrong" in response to when she demotivates me or makes an insinuating comment. According to our counselor I need to do that in real-time and not bring it up days later. So if I can't deal with it on the spot, I will just forgive and forget.

Over time as her remaining resentment and negative patterns fade, she will be less likely to think about saying those things.

I have determined that my role in this marriage is to become a person that she wants to hug and kiss instead of pointing out that she isn't holding up her end of the bargain. This allows me to focus on changing myself and choosing to have a positive attitude no matter what. These are things I can control. I can't control anything she does.

[Marilyn C]

21 hours ago, onedirection said:

@Marilyn C

You are correct my wife has been hurt over the years, we both have. We were both basically doing all the love busters and got disconnected. I have completely eliminated all love busters for over a month now. No one is perfect, but at the moment I feel like I'm batting a .1000. So therefore what I think we're dealing with is just patience and time to heal.

Regarding the forgiveness and elaborating on the reasoning behind the past, we have already covered this. About 2-3 weeks ago my wife said she forgives me and is not holding onto any resentment. Despite her saying that, actions speak louder than words, there are obviously some old patterns she hasn't broken out of yet which is why I reported those few love busters in the previous thread.

I decided not to confront her on it, I already forgave her and moved on. I think what I need to do is rehearse my response to these situations so I'm better prepared next time to deal with it in the moment. I like your idea of "is there something wrong" in response to when she demotivates me or makes an insinuating comment. According to our counselor I need to do that in real-time and not bring it up days later. So if I can't deal with it on the spot, I will just forgive and forget.

Over time as her remaining resentment and negative patterns fade, she will be less likely to think about saying those things.

I have determined that my role in this marriage is to become a person that she wants to hug and kiss instead of pointing out that she isn't holding up her end of the bargain. This allows me to focus on changing myself and choosing to have a positive attitude no matter what. These are things I can control. I can't control anything she does.

Hi onedirection,

 

Yes we all hurt each other, as it is a long way from selfishness to being like Christ. (But I would not stop this wonderful process of being changed - for eternity.)

 

That is great to hear of the progress already made, good on you, both. Now you may think she has forgiven you, and she may think she has said it, but her attitude speaks louder. So let me give you a picture that may help you.

 

OK, so someone has hurt their arm quite deeply. Over time it gets covered. Then when it just has a gentle knock there is a huge reaction, whereas someone without the deep sore would not have hardly felt the graze.

 

So it is with your wife, she still has that `deep sore` troubling her. Now you think time will heal, but I disagree. She needs you to tell her again, (& maybe many times) that you are sorry for causing her pain.

 

As she gets through this resentment then she will see clearer her bad behaviour to you, for you will be showing the way by asking her for forgiveness (again).

 

Persevere, for you are both at the crucial time of ongoing repentance and you both are feeling quite vulnerable. However cleansing of the wounds are necessary and painful, but oh the rewards...

 

God bless, and continuing to pray, Marilyn.  

[onedirection]

@Marilyn C

Yesterday at couples counseling both my wife and the counselor agreed that the anger and resentment has subsided. My wife has forgiven me.

However, she recognizes the love I've been showing her unconditionally and she is frustrated that she does not feel the same way in return. She said that she cannot do this for even 6 more months and feels sad about the situation. When she thinks about life without me, she feels relieved that the stress of not reciprocating will be over.

I told her that I accept this situation and that her feelings are valid. I told her I am here to support, love, and serve her no longer how long it takes.

I told her that I will never leave her, unless she is the one to walk out on me (if the unbeliever leaves, let them go).

I also challenged her to the 40 day love dare, and she said she would do it. I also let her know that my self-transformation would not have been possible without turning my life over to Jesus and asking Him His plan for me every morning, then trying to live it out. I reminded her about the power of prayer and to really turn to the Lord now as this situation gets harder and harder the longer it goes on.

What else can I even do?