An avoidant's friend

[Guest]

There's a lot on this topic on other forums, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and ask this here (especially since God has been telling me for a looong time to seek community with other Christians, and I keep disobeying). How can I be a friend (or even a "best friend"?) to someone who is an avoidant?

I don't have a lot of friends either (grew up painfully shy). But I don't have a personality or attachment disorder (or at least I don't think). I have a lot of acquaintances to hang out with though. Some consider me as a friend, but I don't have a desire to be close to them.

But I really want to be close friends with a person that I met who I am now pretty sure is an avoidant. I want to be friends with them because they are so much fun to hang out with and I admire so many things about this person, even before I knew they suffered from loneliness and yet can still light up a room. There's nothing selfless about this desire of mine at all. I'm probably being narcissistic in thinking that I can deserve a friend as special and admirable as them.

John 15:13 is a verse that keeps me going in this. I'm actually glad to be in this situation because it has brought me closer to God. Would still love some advice though, especially from those who have AvPD.

Thanks in advance.

[Fidei Defensor]

Well Jesus at times was an avoidant, “But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.” (Luke 5:16). Some people are more introverted and so they recharge and feel best being alone, and occasionally they want to be with people. Other people are extroverts and they recharge being with people and socializing. 

Are you sure this person is an avoidant? Some people get so burned by others they better understand Jesus’ words, “23Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. 24But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. 25No one needed to tell him what mankind is really like..” (John 2:23-25). 

[Debp]

45 minutes ago, firstcorinth13 said:

There's a lot on this topic on other forums, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and ask this here (especially since God has been telling me for a looong time to seek community with other Christians, and I keep disobeying). How can I be a friend (or even a "best friend"?) to someone who is an avoidant?

I don't have a lot of friends either (grew up painfully shy). But I don't have a personality or attachment disorder (or at least I don't think). I have a lot of acquaintances to hang out with though. Some consider me as a friend, but I don't have a desire to be close to them.

But I really want to be close friends with a person that I met who I am now pretty sure is an avoidant. I want to be friends with them because they are so much fun to hang out with and I admire so many things about this person, even before I knew they suffered from loneliness and yet can still light up a room. There's nothing selfless about this desire of mine at all. I'm probably being narcissistic in thinking that I can deserve a friend as special and admirable as them.

John 15:13 is a verse that keeps me going in this. I'm actually glad to be in this situation because it has brought me closer to God. Would still love some advice though, especially from those who have AvPD.

Thanks in advance.

I didn't know there was such a thing as AvPD.    Perhaps the person just enjoys alot of alone time to be with the Lord?   Just be friendly to the person and see if they want to do some activities with you.    Maybe find out what kind of things they enjoy and then ask them to that type of activity with you....

[dr3032]

You can just try, I would assume. Let it be known to them that you would like to be friends, maybe hang out sometime. If they don't want to be friends, then they don't want to be friends. If they do, then that is good.

[frienduff thaylorde]

19 hours ago, firstcorinth13 said:

There's a lot on this topic on other forums, but I'm gonna go out on a limb and ask this here (especially since God has been telling me for a looong time to seek community with other Christians, and I keep disobeying). How can I be a friend (or even a "best friend"?) to someone who is an avoidant?

I don't have a lot of friends either (grew up painfully shy). But I don't have a personality or attachment disorder (or at least I don't think). I have a lot of acquaintances to hang out with though. Some consider me as a friend, but I don't have a desire to be close to them.

But I really want to be close friends with a person that I met who I am now pretty sure is an avoidant. I want to be friends with them because they are so much fun to hang out with and I admire so many things about this person, even before I knew they suffered from loneliness and yet can still light up a room. There's nothing selfless about this desire of mine at all. I'm probably being narcissistic in thinking that I can deserve a friend as special and admirable as them.

John 15:13 is a verse that keeps me going in this. I'm actually glad to be in this situation because it has brought me closer to God. Would still love some advice though, especially from those who have AvPD.

Thanks in advance.

When seeking or looking for a friend its simple .    Are they a born again christain seeking the Lord .   If so , fellowship  , if not witness to them .   IF they reiceve Christ

amen .  IF they do not want that ,  YOU flee them and leave them in Gods   hand .    Most simple advice .   For we cannot be as many are today telling us to be .

For they say just go out and have fellowship and find common ground .    THE THING is our common unity is FOUND ONLY in CHRIST , not the things of this world .

If the person Loves GOD they will love Christ , if they love Christ , they love and keep His sayings .   If we desire friendship with the world and those of it , we will fall away .

IF we desire JESUS above all things we have fellowship with those who desire JESUS above all things .   

[1to3]

Hi my first impression from reading your post is the following;

I noticed you said that you admire this person very much, because even thought they may have an avoidant personality they still are able to light up a room .

 

19 hours ago, firstcorinth13 said:

But I really want to be close friends with a person that I met who I am now pretty sure is an avoidant. I want to be friends with them because they are so much fun to hang out with and I admire so many things about this person, even before I knew they suffered from loneliness and yet can still light up a room

IDK, I could be wrong, but it is a dangerous trap to place people on a pedestal because when you do , you are actually placing yourself in a god like position, judging them and in time the person who is placing the other on a pedestal will look to resent them because they have failed in your expectations of them.  People who place others on a pedestal level, don't really think much of themselves and are looking to find what it is in others that they can take for themselves.  There is nothing wrong from taking and applying in yourself something good that you see as a good example from another, (like Christ Jesus is a good example to learn from) but when a person is placing someone on a pedestal it become unhealthy as the person doing this are playing God and judging that person . And if the other person senses this sucking, yes they may try to avoid being drained that way.

So there is also the possibility that this person is sensing that you are trying to feed off of them and so they may be trying to avoid you because of that?

Also most people do not like it when others try to cling to them to much, or throw all their problems at them most of the time.  And may try to avoid people who do that as they sense that they will become drained by them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 12, 2018 by 1to3