If You Wish You Didn’t Exist

[Starise]

Hang in there coop.

Jesus has already won the victory. We are more than conquerors through Him who died for us. All the devil can do is sling mud and try to hurt a body we soon won't have anyway. He has lost along with all of his followers. You are on the winning side. No matter how dark today looks, the future can only be bright for us. We are heaven bound, spirit sealed, God delivered, Favored as sons and daughters by God. No power can defeat this. Nothing can stand against the degree. 

Our unsteady moods, physical state and emotions will never weaken the resolve of God to deliver us from all of our trials eventually. Own your destiny now.

[Marathoner]

6 hours ago, Chicken coop2 said:

Been a long time.  Think this thread might need bumped back up. I find it helpful and encouraging to reread some of these posts occasionally.  Things have been getting much worse for me the past few months.  Hopefully, as I have been told, some of the unbearable Covid19 long hauler problems I have been enduring since spring 2020 might get better since being vaccinated for Covid19.  And some other miracles in which I have been in desperate need for years, some most of my life, will happen. 

Enduring to the end has never been easy.  Must try to go forward no matter what. 

I will continue speaking to the Lord about you, brother. I know what it's like to be shipwrecked. How could I possibly forget?

[Ghostdog]

There's been times in my life when I wanted to end it. I even begged God to take me away. 

When i reach those points i remind myself of all the times of people who needed a smile and i provided one.

[Ghostdog]

this where i go sometimes 

please die by clayton jennings

Look at you, you're pathetic
And this isn't the first time I've said it
Look at you standing tall with that chest puffed out
Inside your insecurities are just dying to bust out
You're a bust now
You're lucky those pills haven't snuffed you out
You cut your friends off, so you got nobody to trust now
But you did this to you
I hope you're proud every time you end up back in the news
And you really think we care when you announce you're back in the booth
Nobody's got your back, and it's true
I hope I see you beat until you're black and you're blue
Give me that head, and I'll crack it in two
'Cause the old you is missing when you were back with the crew
Back then you had the anointing, and you were passionate, too
I know you've thought about it, just do it you coward and fasten that noose
That guilt keeps piling up, so who you passing it to?
'Cause God knows you never own up to your own mistakes
You're a fraud in an industry of fakes
Stiff spine? Yours bends 'til it breaks
And you talk about Jesus, but you don't live like Him
And you tell people to help others, but you don't give like them
What ever happened to the old you?
I knew you'd end up like this, man, I told you
You spent more time dating than praying
Cat got your tongue? Do you hear what I'm saying?
Well, that cat's out of the bag now, and that spotlight's fading
You could have been somebody, you could have done things right
You got an army behind you, but you'd rather run than stand up and fight
What's wrong with you man?! Wake up
For God's sake, stop sulking your regrets and shape up
This is bigger than you
Don't you see? This is bigger than me
Is this the man you want your daughter to see?
One day, she'll grow up and say, "He was no father to me"
And what about those kids who look up to you?
You can't even drag yourself out of bed, man, what's up with you?!
You were called to be different, and you were made to be great
But when I see you, I see everything that I hate
You're a messenger who's a mess, you're down and depressed
And if you don't get help, you're gonna die like this
I told myself I wouldn't cry like this
But look at you man, what are you doing?!
Watching you suffer like this is grueling
But you chose to love your sin more than your Maker
And you blame them for what happened, but you're the faker
And you keep playing in the dirt like it's gonna satisfy you
I might just pull this trigger, would you be mad if I do?

Do it, coward, you won't because you're scared, too
And don't blame me for where we're at, you were there, too
You could have done something (I couldn't stop you!)
You could have asked for help, but you didn't because of your pride
Our sins are out in public now, and we have nothing to hide, and that kills you inside
I'm the part of us who doesn't care about the past or what we do
And you have no idea what your high expectations have put us through
And now that we're failures, it kills you, too
Give up the chip on your shoulder, Clayton, don't lie
You're really the one who wants us to die
So if you wanna pull a gun on us, here, so will I

[Ghostdog]

please don't kill yourself by clayton jennings

 

Please, don't kill yourself
I'm talking to you
And I don't pretend to know everything that you've been through
But if it's shame you feel, just know that I've sinned too
And if it's pain you're feeling
Just know that that's something I went through
I don't know your story, but I know you and me are a lot alike
So let me talk to you for a minute while I've got this mic

I was 18 when I pulled a gun out
At the time it felt like my options had run out
So I put that barrel to my chest, and I pulled the trigger halfway
I tried to muster up the courage to put myself away that day
But halfway with that trigger pulled, I stopped
Tears flooded my eyes and that pistol dropped
And I sat in my room and I sobbed for an hour
On the outside I was fine, on the inside a coward

The noise of my depression had gotten louder and louder
I had planned a way out on a baptism shower of gunpowder
I've been lied to just like you're being lied to now
Other people can't help you, but I might know how
Because I've walked in your shoes and I've been at my lowest
And if you don't know anything, know this

You might tell me you're gonna kill yourself and you're close to this
But God wants to meet you in the middle of your hopelessness
God wants to give you a way out of these feelings of doubt
And the sounds of chaos might be reverberating around you like heavy metal
But confusion isn't from God, it's straight from the devil
And he wants to silence the noise and bring peace to you
And I promise if you just ask him, he'll see you through
You got to this place because you tried fighting your own fight
And where did that get you except contemplating about taking your own life?

And if you got bullied to this point
I'm sorry you went through that
But God wants to take those words
From your attackers and send them back
You don't have to be defined by what people said about you
Let me pick you up if you don't know how to

You're not alone, man, you've got a friend in me
You got better days ahead of you, I just pray you begin to see
Know that everything the devil did to you, he wants you to replay
But everything the devil took from you, God wants to replace
Listen to me right now, you better look me right in the face
You were created for more than to die in this place

Don't do it man, please, don't take your life
Just take my hand we'll make this right
I promise if you do this you'll regret it
You wake up in eternity remember, I said it
And you wished so bad you could just go back
I'm here for you right now, please, just know that
And if you think you're alone in this fight, you've been lied to
That depression came after me and I nearly died too

I thought suicide was the only way and death was meant for me
The devil played his music and I sat front row through that symphony
I walked through the fire and I felt that heat
But I pushed past the clutter and I stood to my feet
I walked out and I refuse to look back
I took my depression and threw it right back, into that wood stack
And that fire must have blazed 50 feet high
And now I plan on leaving a legacy to look back on some day when I die

And right now I'm telling you to stand up too
Deep down inside, you know it's the right thing to do
Think about your family, think about you
Don't kill yourself, please, don't do it
Whatever you're facing God will see you through it

I had a fan kill himself and his mom asked if I could come see her
She was depressed and asked if I could meet her
Two weeks later depression beat her
She ran into a telephone pole without a seat belt in a two seater

And I wish right now I could crawl through these speakers
And somehow convince you not to go the same route she did
I wish I could change the fact that you feel defeated
I wish I could lock my arms around you and tell the devil to beat it
But I can't reach everyone even though I do my best to try

Some people believe the lie that it's just best to die
And they think it's the simple way out
But they're not here to see the way things play out
They don't see the hurt they caused, the pain they leave
I take this seriously, this isn't a game to me
Even thinking about ending your life is living dangerously
So please, just listen to my voice, right now you have a choice
You can choose life or you can get drowned by the noise

Please, don't do it, please, just ask for help
If not for your family, do it for yourself

[Starise]

I hope you are feeling better coop. SRA is a very real thing and it is more rampant than many like to think it is. God can heal you.

For me this is one of those days. I just feel really bummed right now. When I get into these moods I feel like no one cares. It is a very dead end sort of feeling. Not sure if it's my diet, the barometric pressure outside ( calling for thunder storms), lack of sleep catching up with me.I'm really not sure . I can't deny the feeling though. It's almost overwhelming.

A bunch of negative things have happened in the last few days. One family member is in the hospital and it doesn't look good.I think I might be being demonically oppressed, Don't laugh. It really feels like something heavy is constantly hanging over me. I can put on a good front that no one knows how I feel.

This is why I am so glad that feelings don't play into how things really are. In fact I think that when we get this way we can become irrational thinking that everyone is out to get us, that no one cares, that God isn't looking out for us or that things are worse than they really are. We can become irrationally negative and forget that we have the ultimate victory through Christ. There must be a REASON we feel this way and so we blame different things as the root cause which may have nothing to do with any of it.

Some things never change, I need to remind myself that God's love for us Christians never changes no matter how we might FEEL. Because FEELINGS are often not reflecting the reality of our situation.. God still cares. He never stopped caring for you. He never stopped being a part of your live even though it might seem he has pulled away.

If anyone moved away from God it wasn't Him that moved. It was us. The Bible says that if we draw near to God He will draw near to us. God doesn't change. God can't draw near to a person who is running from Him. We need to change to meet Him by drawing near to Him.

We WILL have those down days. I have had more of them than I care to remember. For me today is one of those days. When all of my strength is gone I am reminded that my strength does not come from me.We often don't even know how we came to feel this way. Just a part of humanity. Maybe this is why God sometimes lets us get into these low places? To remind us that it isn't us.

We must decrease and He must increase or we aren't growing in Him.

If you are feeling emotionally or physically weak today I would like to encourage you to rely on Jesus to comfort you in your distress where ever you are.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

Matthew 5:3-12

3Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
7 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
8 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
9 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

 

[Marathoner]

I understand, @Chicken coop2. I have witnessed the Lord move mightily upon this earth and it pleased Him to deliver me by His hand, but still I must bear this weakness night and day. The memories remain and will endure so long as I toil in this world.

Memories of hardness when I was disowned and my mother, the woman who bore me into this world, cursed my name saying it would have been better if I had never been born. I was worthless and nothing to her, that price I paid when the Lord called and I answered Him. 

Memories of betrayal, when I was cast out by those who received me with love. I did not see nor understand, believing that I had failed Jesus Christ who called me out of the world. 

Memories of despair... deprivation, when I had no food to eat... desolation, having no place to rest my head... and fear, for I was never certain where I might end up next. 

These are the most difficult memories of all, when I came across a stranger in the wilderness and pledged to safeguard her life with my own. Difficult, because these were darkest of times yet also the most astonishing of times. Dark, because that wilderness was an evil place where evil men did wicked things. The bullets flied freely in that desolate place hours away from city lights. 

Astonishing, because the stranger was forsaken like I had been. I finally found a purpose for my aimless existence and so I vowed that I would die in her place. She was worth it all, coop. She was worth dying for. Astonishing because the evil men who terrorized her fled, never to be seen again.

Memories of unspeakable suffering and agony when the last of my possessions were taken from me. My strength... my health... my teeth... and also the will to live were leeched from this body. I lost the ability to speak when the end came at last. 

She cared for me when I was sick, coop. She looked after me, she kept me safe, and she promised that she wouldn't leave my side. She gave me clothes when my own were too big to wear; she was the mother I never had. 

The Lord raised me up, returning me to the land of the living in time to care for her when she was sick because she was the mother I never had... the mother whom Jesus Christ gave to me in that desolate place. I was there when her heart beat for the last time. 

That was a long time ago and though the Lord comforts me, I still weep on account of those memories. They will never go away until my time in this world is over.   

 

[Henry_iain]

Just read through this again and caught up with what I missed.  Wonderfully encouraging 

[Starise]

On 10/30/2021 at 8:23 AM, Henry_iain said:

Just read through this again and caught up with what I missed.  Wonderfully encouraging 

I'm not sure exactly what happened but I hope and pray our chicken friend is ok. I worry about him.