The Secret Self

[Fiosh]

A bit long, but worth the time....

Rush Hour Devotion for September 07, 2005 WDAC

The Secret Self

Dietrich Bonhoeffer is known for his martyrdom at the hands of SS during the

Second World War. The author of The Cost Of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer is held

up as a model of courage and spirituality. But was he as courageous as he

appeared? He wrote a poem about that very question titled "Who Am I?"

"Who am I?

They often tell me I stepped from my cell's confinement calmly, cheerfully,

firmly, like a squire from his country house. They often tell me I used to

speak to my warders freely and friendly and clearly, as though it were mine

to command. They also tell me I bore the days of misfortune equably,

smilingly, proudly like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which

other men tell of? Or am I only what I myself know of myself? Restless and

longing and sick, like a bird in a cage, struggling for breath, as though

hands were compressing my throat, yearning for colors, for flowers, for the

voices of birds, thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

tossing in expectation of great events, powerlessly trembling for friends at

an infinite distance, weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

faint, and ready to say farewell to it all."

Apparently Bonhoeffer faced the

same dilemma we face. There was the part of him that everyone saw and

admired, and there was the secret part of him that only Bonhoeffer and God

knew about. I believe all of us face that same dilemma. Whatever people

believe about us, we all are cursed with a secret self, a self no one knows,

a self who can only be revealed to the closest of friends, if even to them.

Somewhere in the side streets of the soul is a place where this secret self

lives. It is a place where our fear and loneliness congregate, where our

insecurities run wild. It is the home of the exhausted self, the burnt-out

self, the sick-and-tired self, the angry self, the hurt self, and the

abandoned self. It is the part of us that is so fresh, so current, so

tentative, so fragile that we cannot allow that self to be seen, except by

the most trusted of friends, because its raw reality is just too much for

others to see. It is the alone part of us that is meant to be alone because

it's too fragile, too unstable. It is the self that is present when we don't

feel worthy to take communion, the self that visits in the midst of

depression. I have decided that the secret self is where Jesus is.

Conversion does not get rid of the secret self; instead, Jesus becomes a

friend to it. We can live fully and honestly in the presence of the real

tension between both selves. It is important to recognize this because,

often, the Church tries to make us believe that real Christians don't have

secret selves, that genuine believers don't have parts of them which

disbelieve, that mature Christians never get angry at God or regret their

decision to follow Christ, and that godly people don't get sick of God.

None of this is true. Godly people don't always feel godly, and followers of

Jesus don't always feel like followers of Christ. This is the glory of

genuine faith: In the presence of doubts, we believe; taunted by our fears,

we act fearlessly; surrounded by our weaknesses, we still stand; weary,

burned-out, exhausted to the point of betrayal, we cling to faith.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, martyr, "restless, longing, sick, struggling for breath,

trembling, weary and empty," faces death with dignity and courage, strength

and honor, and walks confidently into the open arms of his God who, it turns

out, is a friend to Bonhoeffer's secret self . . . as well as to the self

everyone admired.

***********************************************************

Comments?

[yomotalking]

Anyone seen the film?

It is horrendously moving......

[Kansasdad]

A bit long, but worth the time....

Rush Hour Devotion for September 07, 2005 WDAC

The Secret Self

Dietrich Bonhoeffer is known for his martyrdom at the hands of SS during the

Second World War. The author of The Cost Of Discipleship, Bonhoeffer is held

up as a model of courage and spirituality. But was he as courageous as he

appeared? He wrote a poem about that very question titled "Who Am I?"

"Who am I?

They often tell me I stepped from my cell's confinement calmly, cheerfully,

firmly, like a squire from his country house. They often tell me I used to

speak to my warders freely and friendly and clearly, as though it were mine

to command. They also tell me I bore the days of misfortune equably,

smilingly, proudly like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really that which

other men tell of? Or am I only what I myself know of myself? Restless and

longing and sick, like a bird in a cage, struggling for breath, as though

hands were compressing my throat, yearning for colors, for flowers, for the

voices of birds, thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,

tossing in expectation of great events, powerlessly trembling for friends at

an infinite distance, weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

faint, and ready to say farewell to it all."

Apparently Bonhoeffer faced the

same dilemma we face. There was the part of him that everyone saw and

admired, and there was the secret part of him that only Bonhoeffer and God

knew about. I believe all of us face that same dilemma. Whatever people

believe about us, we all are cursed with a secret self, a self no one knows,

a self who can only be revealed to the closest of friends, if even to them.

Somewhere in the side streets of the soul is a place where this secret self

lives. It is a place where our fear and loneliness congregate, where our

insecurities run wild. It is the home of the exhausted self, the burnt-out

self, the sick-and-tired self, the angry self, the hurt self, and the

abandoned self. It is the part of us that is so fresh, so current, so

tentative, so fragile that we cannot allow that self to be seen, except by

the most trusted of friends, because its raw reality is just too much for

others to see. It is the alone part of us that is meant to be alone because

it's too fragile, too unstable. It is the self that is present when we don't

feel worthy to take communion, the self that visits in the midst of

depression. I have decided that the secret self is where Jesus is.

Conversion does not get rid of the secret self; instead, Jesus becomes a

friend to it. We can live fully and honestly in the presence of the real

tension between both selves. It is important to recognize this because,

often, the Church tries to make us believe that real Christians don't have

secret selves, that genuine believers don't have parts of them which

disbelieve, that mature Christians never get angry at God or regret their

decision to follow Christ, and that godly people don't get sick of God.

None of this is true. Godly people don't always feel godly, and followers of

Jesus don't always feel like followers of Christ. This is the glory of

genuine faith: In the presence of doubts, we believe; taunted by our fears,

we act fearlessly; surrounded by our weaknesses, we still stand; weary,

burned-out, exhausted to the point of betrayal, we cling to faith.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, martyr, "restless, longing, sick, struggling for breath,

trembling, weary and empty," faces death with dignity and courage, strength

and honor, and walks confidently into the open arms of his God who, it turns

out, is a friend to Bonhoeffer's secret self . . . as well as to the self

everyone admired.

***********************************************************

Comments?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Wonderful message! Thank you Fiosh

[yomotalking]

Anyone seen the film?

It is horrendously moving......

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

It may have clips of it..in the documentary...but no, it's a proper film.

Called :Bonhoffer.

He was an amazing man.

[Anne]

Yeah,

Saw the film on Sunday, part of it anyway, I would like to sit down and watch the whole thing some day. I would recommend it.

[yomotalking]

Yeah,

Saw the film on Sunday, part of it anyway, I would like to sit down and watch the whole thing some day.  I would recommend it.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

The actor is brillant.

The end bit was very moving wasn't it, Anne?