Art of Lily Fathom "Diary"

[LittlePebble10]

My mega-pixel camera I use for getting my art on computer is heavy on file sizes. My cell phone is also a sort of megapixel. Iphone 10.... So we shall see how this goes. I want to at least try to share some of my art.

My sermon notes are all done with an illustration. I find it best to sketch note. Which is why I never made it through higher education. It was a hit or miss with every so college professor. Below is a piece with the illustration transferred to a new sheet. 

Edited June 25, 2022 by LittlePebble10
Update on title

[LittlePebble10]

I decided to change this to fit more into an art diary. Many forums I been on linked to a central blog where I kept all forums connected. Some forums don't allow links and in general I find it better to fix one just for this forum.

Recent Events

Good news is that I got a lot accomplished. The bad news is Wix made me angry recently. I will still put together a sort of album and series for the synth project. I will try to get everything updated by Tuesday. 

My wood shop has been a big project yesterday for cleaning. I built a table for soldering and assembling things. I also cleared out all the saw dust that has been accumulating. Just to give myself a reward and to find encouragement I worked on a solder board. 

Basically the board that will be responsible for converting digital to analogue CV. My primary focus in my synth project will be MIDI and finalizing a 128 CV output panel. The fallowing will be the very beginning to the computer of the synth. Embedded systems incase any of you are wondering. Processors as well, but slimmed down to work with minimal computing.

My Art

I want to study textures. I need to practice rendering fur first. My books and goals for publishing depend on it. I took photos of the sun setting because I want to overcome my most lousy art. That being scenery.

I have a collection of photo references. Things like light coming through canopy, water, shore birds, and colorful produce. Things I took pictures over the years. 

My second book I hope to publish is alongside the first. The two go together. Then the next two is same thing. Two very closely connected. The fifth is where the first four come together within the same story line. You get to know the main characters upon these first four novels.

A Short Absence From 

Internet

I was busy this week and with my aggravation with Wix I decided to focus on my goals. That is, organizing my craft areas. I have one more room to figure out and my project will start speeding up in progress. I also felt my frustration was not anyones problem to deal with. 

Primarily it was javascript and the limitations Wix had on it. You can code, but you cannot edit code. So, in essence I was wanting to edit the layout of my pages in an editor that felt more like an ide instead of the lousy cloud software editor. 

Even when I had developers mode turned on there was no way to edit anything outside the frustrating cloud-software editor. Any of you site admins probably know how frustrating this is. You guys do a wonderful job with Worthy Christian Forums.

After my most recent 2-year subscription is used up I will see about getting a dedicated server. I hated the idea of being a web developer. Yet, doing it for my own needs of my multifaceted craft will be the lesser of two evils. My preference is command line terminal. So, I will be studying linux from scratch to see if its possible to customize my own server OS. It is possible.

Not practical because your going through a full website software engineering project. Yet, its fitting seeing it will provide me a lot more freedom if I can grasp cyber security concepts and get what ever certificates needed. I imagine Worthy Christian Forums has a big computer tech team. 

 

[LittlePebble10]

Organization Aspects

Things have been going really well for my workshop. I did a start on a project I sat down for a while. I need to get back in the battery power unit, but its on hold till I have money for it. For the most part it seems like many prayers are being answered. May not be in the way I want it, but God is taking me into areas I almost given up hope for.

I also been looking at my days for possible improvements in goals. Communication verbally is my worst. I grasp writing so much better. It is an answered prayer seeing I found common ground with my workers. Even with my grandmas workers. Thankfully everyone knows who is who. My grandmother is going through dementia. While my autism makes setting goals difficult

Goals Longterm

About ten or fifteen years back I got a calling into art and writing. I attempted higher education 3 different times in my life. While I have not given up entirely I do know my communication skills need to be ten times better if I ever attempted it again. 

Ideally I would have a career in engineering. However, again my verbal communication skills need work. This obviously is a longterm goal of mine. The one adjacent to it is taking my multifaceted craft of expression to entrepreneurship. Those working with me were looking into this.

However, not having a drivers license has brought me to a halt. With my organizational skills and my verbal communication this really becomes impractical. I have a drivers permit, but finding practice has been tricky.

At the end of the day its better to have goals set and something reasonable for progress. My writing may lack in spelling and grammar at times, but only because I have spell check turned off at times. I sometimes get anxious over the red and green lines. Removing this temporarily at least helps with drafting.

Schedual ideas?

Primarily what I am noticing is art is best Sundays. Perhaps done with a daily devotional at night 3 times a week. Writing obviously everyday because it helps with anxiety. Laundry on Mondays with cleaning my room in early evening. Doing a technical application to my big project once a day.

When the sun sets there really needs to be progress made. I was given the idea to use a calendar with stickers. Basically to represent what I did each day. When the sun sets I hope to have stickers I add. 

 

 

[LittlePebble10]

Imaginative or otherwise Fathomistic

I been criticized in the past for having an imagination. I began it all during my highschool years. I was looking through my writing a couple months ago. Basically trying to put together my work on my novels. 

Surprisingly I came across writing I did for my senior class of 2009. I was especially surprised to see how open I was about my wonderland. Even based an assignment on it with the therapeutic benefits. The idea is self reflection. In my methods its a place I can go before God. Although I credit my first years in school to my vanishing moments. 

Sometimes when my anxiety or depression gets bad I slip into this world where I replay events with differing outcomes. My only way out is to use this wonderland to my advantage. If pressed into a corner metaphorically speaking I find it hard to breath normally.

I never hyperventilated, but I really would not be surprised if a day comes. I have a hiatal hernia which could make this more likely. I had a ph test done that qualified me for surgery. While this will help with reflux issues it might not resolve the problems underneath those areas. The surgeon even confirmed this. Mostly stating there will be things here and there that happen.

Basically its a magnetic band around the entry to the stomach. Not the lap band or whatever its called for weight loss. Thats over the stomach area. My band will be above that. Thankfully I will be off work for a month to recover. The 25lb limit will put me on medical leave via my works requirements. The down side is missing my bills slightly. My family will most likely take care of things. If I was blessed it be the family God gave me through adoption.

Sleepless nights

My job currently has me as night janitor which is great. However, before this I attempted a day job and college/tech school. I could not learn calculus on the computer. My best was in systems of equations.

Outside of advanced algebra I need clear organization in my math. Techschool was a last resort. My teacher hated my math organization. Said it took way too long. 

No matter what I did I could not learn NEC math or otherwise NFPA stuff without organization of my notes in a graphical sense. My biggest praise report is the healing I been getting. 

I may not be able to do school, but my fascination of number systems in electronics satisfy me. If my books become entrepreneurship with janitorial as my night job I rest knowing I am exactly where God needs me to be.

My Odd Sleeping habits

I got to where I will have over ten pillows. A couple different bed sets, and about 3 plushies on a full-bed. My stomach problems and my emotions just seem easier this way. I am grateful that God kept me from affixiation from reflux. I would wake up just in time to swallow and catch my breath. 

I was not told about waiting an hour after I ate. So, eventually I went from a medium 18inch plush to a 5 foot. Then got pillows when ever I could afford them. I remembered one doctor from my teenage years mentioning how this happened just laying down. I was not really thinking about during normal sleep. I honestly wanted a way to hold my plushie without the problem. Meditating I suppose you could say. 

I wanted a bed with railing around it. Its been frustrating how things would simply fall off. I was even thinking about making a toddler inspired bed. Yet, in recent years I found it be easier to make it more like a play pen.  While my pastels and art might make this seem too childlike deep down I love this.

It makes a worthy challenge to my multifaceted craft. Sewing, wood working, and if I really wanted arduino type programming into a plushy stars on ceiling thing. At the end of the day we all look for sleep in a safe place. Somehow my nightly time before the Lord may seem childish.

I know all too well that if C. S. Lewis was like this with bed time stories and fairy tales then maybe its not the end of the world to have my soft place and plushie friends. "I put away childish things including the fear of being childish." (C. S. Lewis, In Writing for Children Essay)

 

[LittlePebble10]

Like a Child

"Mathew 18"

First off you don't need a plushy or pacifier to accomplish what Mathew 18 is describing. I don't think Jesus actually meant it that way either. In those times a child was probably a wad of fabric or similar instead of a pacifier. My autistic devices may carry the title, but only because it keeps people from taunting me.

Why use those derogatory terms if I am already using babyfur as the title? This leads me to my next point. Just because something said is hurtful or otherwise unhelpful does not mean they became a stumbling block. A stumbling block is when a person is detoured from fallowing Christ or otherwise cause them to fail. In my experience hurtful words often times brought to my attention things I had to change. 

My point in this is simple. The place I find most healing is in my little headspace. Does not necessarily need to be an activity directly associated with child like spirit. Honestly in my perspective some childish things is the exact opposite of what Jesus is was talking about. First Corinthians thirteen gives us some "things" to think about when it comes to this. 

Love is not about being a child anyway. At least not in the sense of no responsibilities. When it comes to our actions we should know what we do can carry responsibility. Good, bad, or otherwise... Love innocent and caring like a child is most important. This is true religion after all. To love and care for the orphan and widow in their time of need. Yet, without converting to worldly expectations. 

My Life right Now

I have so much to overcome and I feel like I still need to heal from difficult wounds. My biggest wish is to have an in person friendship who not only tolerates my quarks, but also shares similar interests. Honestly, I would be satisfied with an art and writing type of Bible Study. I know even this would be a pure miracle from God.

It be more likely I form a friendship with artist, writers, and DIY'rs who are not all that spiritual themselves. I have a few who seem very tolerable with my plushies. I would not doubt they would tolerate my use of an autistic pacifier. I would bet they would encourage it. Seeing how it helps me talk less. When I do its several times more productive and not random. 

God is still healing me on things. I keep tripping up with my desperate desires for meaningful friendship. I compromise on my Christianity either to settle dispute or to present myself tolerable in the secular world. I had some difficult disputes with my local LGBT and Pagan groups.

Compromise on Faith

While I am not part of any local groups I sometimes think on hanging out in one. Fortunately "bittersweet," I got into a brutal debate over Christianity that screwed my last attempt. I compromised my faith in hopes I would have friends. After seeing a Pagan's derogatory antisemestic posts I lost my temper.

Long story short I threatened to alert the police if things turned violent. After I realized I lost my temper I tried to apologize only to be cyber attacked with cuss word filled messages. This messed up my chances with this particular group.

Another time I compromised my faith was with a My Little Pony group. I would never disregard my families concerns, but I bent things a little when going to Bronycon. Even after I did it was not enough and I was told off by some one in our group. Then my mother was told off by this person. 

My particular compromises were around very small dis-information. I never lied. In fact I did'nt say anything of it at all. I just did not tell my family anything. Apparently this was not enough for them and my most loved friend turned against me and later years left my life entirely. 

One last compromise to mention to prove my point. In my highschool years I was required to read dirty narratives. While I did refuse at first I eventually made a few compromises in order to stay out of trouble. I got sick of being told to go sit in the halway. To this day I have narrative or otherwise violent things that disturbed me. Mostly its mistrust in people. 

Putting The Bible First

I know I should not dwell on worry. Yet, my prayers are focussed on worst case scenario. I find that I handle these obsessive compulsives thoughts in my imagined world. In this world my emotions have names and characteristics. My center is my babyfur named Lily. A small, wingless, fur-covered dragon. While age is insignificant I find hints at age helpful. 

All my thoughts have names essentially. If they give me more then I can handle I tell them to leave. Although keep in mind some of them leave on their own. Either because they are no longer interested or I made mistakes they were hurt by. 

My own place of prayer is vibrant in this wonderland. It helped to form a rather deep book series I hope to publish. In length it would put the original starwars to shame. I am not fond of the new stuff Disney added. The old original had so much creativity in filming. The new Star Wars just sort of feels deflated without this theatrical narrative.

Getting off my soap box though. A tree planted by the waters is a symbol of strength. A water lily standing proud of the water symbolizes faith and endurance. While it was God who provided the bed rock and ecosystem it was the Lily flower that chose to defy all odds. Including the period of time when it was washed out of its original home.

Instead of shriveling up it decided to keep trying to put root into what ever bedrock it could reach. Eventually God provided me a place I washed into by his circumstances. With no undercurrents or constant changes in my surroundings. I was provided a new pond with a new eco system. Beavers provided the damns and the surroundings of strong trees provided me further protection.    

I might not makes sense at times. I might be not your typical dragon with my fur and warm blooded demeanor. I may even hit upon symbolic expression of Biblical scripture, but I have hope in Christ. When I am dealing with my emotions I hope people won't disregard them by telling me their not real. They are in my heart and thats all that matters. Molly my anthro catbun knows all to well the dark places we all have been.

Yet, her shear joy in difficult moments is the emotions that stabilize me. Seria likewise only her thing is past events. As a scaly typical dragon she symbolizes my historic moments that are uplifting. I give my emotions and thoughts names and I have control over my OCD that way. God provided me with healing waters.
 

 

Edited July 3, 2022 by LittlePebble10
confusing Typo

[LittlePebble10]

A Snippet of My Mind

When ever I am struggling with something I tend to overthink it. My was diagnosed with OCD at a young age. I been taking prescribed meds since I was little. Obsessive thinking is kind of part of my disability in autism. One of my ways of overcoming it is through focussing my emotions into persionalities and giving them names. Even going as far as to make them into illustrations. I began this back in 2007-08 approximately. My inspiration came from Christopher Polini via his character Saphira. Although I eventually renamed mine Seria (See-Air-Ahh). From there others were created and out of despratism I began to talk to them pretending they responded back. At first this felt out of place. I was litterally talking to the wall. 

Over time; however, I became very accustomed to it. To the point I could not handle my disability without it there. In some ways I could hear my inner being from these characters who I made out of my emotions. Of course I had people question my sanity. I even had people try to convince me I had demons in my head. When friends and family demanded I give it up I hit severe depression. Even to the point of seeing nothing, but darkness in my imagined world. Out of panic I realized I could not feel them there. Almost as if my emotions were drifting away from me. 

Late that night I felt something come over me and said, "I have everything under control." I was convinced it was God who spoke to me. My parents took me to the hospital due to concerne I would do self harm. With a stuffed animal my emotions were very stable. After being connected to a stress device there was no apparent reason for them to keep me there. After this event of my life I slowly was able to retreive my ability to imagine my wonderland again. Since then I gotten back into writing my books. Mostly trying to solidify a story with outlines. Today my focus is on two characters who form the center of the main characters. 

The key is a Dragon named Timothy Fathorn. His novel will be written last of the first 4. The first two are upon the Truman family and Molly Charleston. Essentially painting a picture of what my life is like as I overcome my problems. Timothy Fathorn is what my life could be like if I failed to overcome my problems. Then the healing process was left up to a mentor. In his case its Dragon Trainer Paul inspired by the Apostle Paul. The one paired with this novel is Rosseta Patchling. She ends up being married to Timothy. She has loose ties to my past relationships. As for Molly I am debating on whether to have her be friendshp to Noah or to make them a joined marrage. 

I think its important to understand while my imagined world with the Characters may not be physically there... It is real in that its my emotions illustrated and narrated. Its something allowing me to grasp my problems realistically. Even to the point of overcoming it all. With God at the center of my Wonderland I know I can do all things. I know I can endure the most difficult of my life hardships. In Christ I can endure. 

[LittlePebble10]

You Can’t Lose 

What you don’t have!!!!

I admit my art has took a rather odd turn. The piece I am uploading is portraying a character who is disabled like me in real life. Has minimal underwear to make this fit the “Safe For Work,” rating these forums require. Honestly deep down I must admit I am desperate. I would have took things further with a shirt over him. Yet, the vulnerable look with a joyful demeanor says it all. 
 

keep in mind its more like a meditation pants he is wearing. I stretch that description on Furbooru. I portray a fake joy as that has even my inner self believes temporarily. Its incredibly absurd how people think my child hood was trauma because of family. This is literally upside down. The most hilarious of it all was I loved to learn.
 

Yet, circumstances had me hit depression many times over. At home I was comfortable and felt safe. At school my social anxiety entrapped me. Teachers would take things away from me in order to snap out of it. If it was not for the people God placed in my life I don’t think I would be alive today.
 

A math teacher who had a passion in electronics, a science teacher who knew chemistry like the back of her hand, and a counselor who bent rules to make it possible. All the while their teaching positions had nothing in them except the people who they do anything to inspire learning. I honestly never had a brutal teacher. I was mostly pulled out of class’s where my mental health was most affected. Graduation was a sense of accomplishment to everyone involved. As the adage goes? “There is hope for me yet.”

 

I am: however, convinced I am socially detached from the world. The only reason I am not crazy is because my emotions are expressed through art and writing. I can think things through to stabilize my mental darkness. My imagination is there and those who live there help ensure this. 
 

I am trying to get back into a traditional therapist and not just life skills. I feel my spiritual inner self tested at times because the terms “inclusive,” and “open mindedness,” gets thrown around a lot. In retrospect I can’t harbor anger against myself for the mess I got myself into recently.

 

What I have on Furbooru is reasonable. The anatomy and NSFW is light weight. I add the tag explicit only because in my perspective it’s not Michaelanglos paintings on the church. There is a slight suggestion to provoke imagination. An image or too could be removed and they all would portray an innocent spirit of being-like-dork. Specifically in their pose.

this if it was only this I would navigate to a more playful dork humor or satire in their poses. Actually I inevitably created a Tantabus. It put Princess Lina’s darkness to shame ten times over. Thankfully my Tantabus can’t escape the inner darkness within me like they do in the pony universe. Ha! Satire while I try to lighten my sorrow a little.

I have overcome my problems with orientation a little. I at least identified the fragments deep within me causing these frustrations. Yet, it seems to gotten in a mess. More specifically it’s gotten me into a spiritual crisis. I could give up Christianity and all that needed to pass for friendship is a less annoying persona. I have achieved a method to calm my nerves and force myself to falsely believe I am happy. 
In reality my Tantabus is within the darkest parts of me. Like being bitten by the snake and I take the moment to acknowledge I am safe. In reality it’s only a matter of time lights go out and darkness pulls the strings. I wanted deeply meaningful friendships so bad that I sacrificed a big chunk of my spiritual persona for that of a furry who needs to admit polygamy. Though he Denys it the friendship in this imaginary world is leading to a homosexual relationship. 
This is my Tantabus and I feel like if I let go this darkness will disappear and I will have my Calico in real life. Yet, a much bigger part of me is screaming out to hold on. The real Calico will come. His friendship will be solid. In fact my temptation to emotionally bond to his inner core will only be a pointless phobia. Our brotherly love will deepen and our faith will grow exponentially without a sinful relationship to drown us in sorrow. 
If none of this makes sense then thank Adoni your not the interpreter. If you do get everything I am saying I ask you keep me vanilla cola and save the cherries for later. Send me a message on here because I do feel trapped. I was desperate for friendship and I went places I wish I never heard of. 
Florida Man has some conspiracy that is false, but the truth is very strange. Though I seen the underground myself and know what is conspiracy only makes me feel like God has compassion. My failure to have faith and become impatient with friendship is being forgiven. Yet, I still need to seek out the narrow path out of this rabbit hole. 
Again the stuff on Furbooru is meant to be playful and two of them express difficult emotions I can’t understand. All I know is that there some sort of balance within these two illustrations. Taking them out of the art community won’t solve the problem. 
there is one illustration I am working on where I hope to find my way out. Mind you it needs to be removed from the internet entirely and stashed away in my offline private diary. Calico makes a beautiful character, but only if I destroy my Tantabus. 
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Again the pants Lily is wearing is protective underwear at best. It really is like a meditation type garment where he is submissive like a child before God. When you put things into the art community it’s best to be careful how you approach spirituality. Furbooru and Derpibooru are very accepting of Christians. Just don’t pick a fight with the wrong artist if you get me.

[LittlePebble10]

Ok the above desperately needs editing. It’s midnight and I literally have no time to boot my computer and fix the grammar mess my cellphone spell check did. I will edit tomorrow.