I love my mother, but...

[Footsteps]

...she is driving me crazy with some of her bad habits. For those of you who don't know, I moved to Florida recently to take care my mom, so moving out is out of the question.

Here's my problem:

My mom smokes and I can't stand it. She's knows how I feel about it, but doesn't really understand how much I loathe it. I really don't want to inhale second hand smoke because I am at risk getting cancer also. Sometimes I feel like giving her an ultimatum (sp), either her cigs or me moving out, but I feel this is the wrong approach. It's using fear as a tactic for change and it doesn't seem right to me. I don't know what to do.

Also, I want to eat healthier, but my mom is stuck in the past, cooking all this greasy (although good!!) food, like pork chops, fried chicken, and she doesn't see it as unhealthy. Everything has to be cooked in butter or fat, etc. I want to eat better, but I know she will get her feelings hurt if I tell her I can't eat anymore of her foods. It's also hard for me to say no to a big plate of breaded pork chops and I'd rather not even be tempted with it! lol. I know how my mom thinks and if I start cooking healthier foods, she will choose not to eat and fill up on junk food and gargabe instead. Then I'll have to feel guilty becuase she won't eat anything beacuse I won't eat her cooking. She'll only eat if she knows I'll be eating also and all she'll eat is fatty foods. I want to eat right and excersize, but I feel my mom is holding me back.

I don't know what to do and would appriciate any advice I could get.

Thanks!

Mike

[Guest lovinghim4ever]

With all due respect - If it's her house she can smoke if she wants to. No, it's not healthy for her, but it is her choice. The best thing you can do for her is pray for her. Ask God to give her the WANT TO to quit.

I know what you are going through. Many years ago my mom smoked three packs a day - 3 packs! - A DAY! My siblings and I did everything we could to get her to stop, but she did not stop until she wanted to stop. Nothing we said or did made a difference to her. She did eventually quit, but not until SHE was ready to quit.

I will be praying for you and your mom.

[Kabowd]

Can you fill me in on the situation? I don't understand why you need to "take care" of her if she's able to cook.

So I'm a little confused...

[Footsteps]

Can you fill me in on the situation? I don't understand why you need to "take care" of her if she's able to cook.

So I'm a little confused...

My mother can do certain things, like cooking. We usually split the cooking chores down the middle. She has problems with breathing and standing on her feet for long periods of time is difficult for her. She can't do a lot of bending over or hardcore cleaning becuase of her breathing problem, thus I do the majority of the housework. She doesn't like to drive because her eyes are bad, so I do all of the driving. She doesn't have a lot of energy to complete basic tasks all day long, so whatever she has diffuculty doing, then I step in and do it for her. She has good days and bad days and she has more stamina on the good days, but the bad days she's tired and needs to rest more.

Edited October 30, 2006 by Footsteps

[LadyRaven]

...she is driving me crazy with some of her bad habits. For those of you who don't know, I moved to Florida recently to take care my mom, so moving out is out of the question.

Here's my problem:

My mom smokes and I can't stand it. She's knows how I feel about it, but doesn't really understand how much I loathe it. I really don't want to inhale second hand smoke because I am at risk getting cancer also. Sometimes I feel like giving her an ultimatum (sp), either her cigs or me moving out, but I feel this is the wrong approach. It's using fear as a tactic for change and it doesn't seem right to me. I don't know what to do.

Also, I want to eat healthier, but my mom is stuck in the past, cooking all this greasy (although good!!) food, like pork chops, fried chicken, and she doesn't see it as unhealthy. Everything has to be cooked in butter or fat, etc. I want to eat better, but I know she will get her feelings hurt if I tell her I can't eat anymore of her foods. It's also hard for me to say no to a big plate of breaded pork chops and I'd rather not even be tempted with it! lol. I know how my mom thinks and if I start cooking healthier foods, she will choose not to eat and fill up on junk food and gargabe instead. Then I'll have to feel guilty becuase she won't eat anything beacuse I won't eat her cooking. She'll only eat if she knows I'll be eating also and all she'll eat is fatty foods. I want to eat right and excersize, but I feel my mom is holding me back.

I don't know what to do and would appriciate any advice I could get.

Thanks!

Mike

Unfortunately dude, your mom is the covenant head of that house and her way should rule.

Why not alternate cooking, and don't do it in a condescending...healthier than thou manner, just do it as a way to show her love..what mother isn't gonna fall for...I want to cook for you a few times a week so that you can relax. I want to show you how special you are and thank you for all you've done for me over the years. You can learn to make some of the things both of you like n a healthy way and not really tell her what you are doing.

Eventually, if you do so in a nonconfrontational manner, you can teach her some things if she shows interest, but if you attack her she will clam up. Better to say "How did you like that casserole Mom?" "Oh it was good" "You want me to show you how to make it?" and let her say yea or nay.

On the lack of control, there is nothing wrong with a small plate of pork chops and if you need to do so, you need to learn portion control dude, you can do it. Trust me. I used to be addicted to food and if I can learn portion control you can.

You can always purchase one of those air purifiers for the house too, it will improve the quality of the air even with the smoke there.

Your mother will only be around for a while. I wish mine still was.

[LadyRaven]

Can you fill me in on the situation? I don't understand why you need to "take care" of her if she's able to cook.

So I'm a little confused...

My mother can do certain things, like cooking. We usually split the cooking chores down the middle. She has problems with breathing and standing on her feet for long periods of time is difficult for her. She can't do a lot of bending over or hardcore cleaning becuase of her breathing problem, thus I do the majority of the housework. She doesn't like to drive because her eyes are bad, so I do all of the driving. She doesn't have a lot of energy to complete basic tasks all day long, so whatever she has diffuculty doing, then I step in and do it for her. She has good days and bad days and she has more stamina on the good days, but the bad days she's tired and needs to rest more.

Ah. Well, just change the diet, gradually, on the days you cook and leave her to her own devices the days she does. She will probably never notice if you don't make an issue out of it.

And don't tell her that the air purifier is for you, tell her it's to get the smoke out of the air to improve her abiltiy to breathe. Cause it will.

[sierra21]

umm you're a big boy aren't you?? You can cook for yourself. I understand that it's hard with all that temptation...but it's never going to be easy!

As far as the smoking goes- it's her house.

Sierra

[Leonard]

Fear of second hand smoke is cause solely by the imagination excited by 'junk science.'

The largest study of the effects of second hand smoke ever done, is the ongoing study being performed by the World Health Organization. They are an independent without a 'dog in this fight' so I trust their observations to be impartial. For more than 25 years now, they have followed 5000 children who came from non-smoking families, and 5000 children who came from families where at least one parent smoked in the home. After 25 years, they found that the children from smoking families are LESS LIKELY to have lung cancer, emphasema, or asthma, than are children from non-smoking homes.

The surprised scientists theorize that the exposure to the small traces of gases in 2nd hand smoke, helped these children develop immunity to these horrible diseases.

As loving parents, NONE of us want to see our children suffer from ANY of these terrible afflictions. So I say: SMOKING.....DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!

[sierra21]

Fear of second hand smoke is cause solely by the imagination excited by 'junk science.'

The largest study of the effects of second hand smoke ever done, is the ongoing study being performed by the World Health Organization. They are an independent without a 'dog in this fight' so I trust their observations to be impartial. For more than 25 years now, they have followed 5000 children who came from non-smoking families, and 5000 children who came from families where at least one parent smoked in the home. After 25 years, they found that the children from smoking families are LESS LIKELY to have lung cancer, emphasema, or asthma, than are children from non-smoking homes.

The surprised scientists theorize that the exposure to the small traces of gases in 2nd hand smoke, helped these children develop immunity to these horrible diseases.

As loving parents, NONE of us want to see our children suffer from ANY of these terrible afflictions. So I say: SMOKING.....DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!

mmm...leonard...you have surprised me to say the least. Let's see this evidence please because to be frank- I don't believe it.

Sierra

[shazza]

...she is driving me crazy with some of her bad habits. For those of you who don't know, I moved to Florida recently to take care my mom, so moving out is out of the question.

Here's my problem:

My mom smokes and I can't stand it. She's knows how I feel about it, but doesn't really understand how much I loathe it. I really don't want to inhale second hand smoke because I am at risk getting cancer also. Sometimes I feel like giving her an ultimatum (sp), either her cigs or me moving out, but I feel this is the wrong approach. It's using fear as a tactic for change and it doesn't seem right to me. I don't know what to do.

Also, I want to eat healthier, but my mom is stuck in the past, cooking all this greasy (although good!!) food, like pork chops, fried chicken, and she doesn't see it as unhealthy. Everything has to be cooked in butter or fat, etc. I want to eat better, but I know she will get her feelings hurt if I tell her I can't eat anymore of her foods. It's also hard for me to say no to a big plate of breaded pork chops and I'd rather not even be tempted with it! lol. I know how my mom thinks and if I start cooking healthier foods, she will choose not to eat and fill up on junk food and gargabe instead. Then I'll have to feel guilty becuase she won't eat anything beacuse I won't eat her cooking. She'll only eat if she knows I'll be eating also and all she'll eat is fatty foods. I want to eat right and excersize, but I feel my mom is holding me back.

I don't know what to do and would appriciate any advice I could get.

Thanks!

Mike

I want to commend you for picking up and moving to Florida to look after your mum. This shows how much she means to you. Maybe it is time to have a little sit down chat with her about your meals and come up with you choosing a healthy alternative once a week and go from there,once a week is better than none. You may find she might actually like it herself but I expect she might dig her heels in at first. But try and stick at it if you can. Try lean meat, I am not sure how she would take to this or even cooking the pork chops but try cutting of the fat before cooking. Just a few tips.

In regard to her smoking, I only thing I can suggest is when she lights up, you either go outside or into another room. Mabye she will get the message without causing confrontations. I do think the air purifier is a great idea!!!

Not sure if this helped you much.

Hang in there!!