Looking for a reason

[Afal]

Godslove26 - You don't need to apologise for thinking that I was a guy! Considering how I am feeling at this moment, it really isn't a big deal to me, but thank you for the kind thought in anycase.

SP - Thanks!

Reality has hit me head-on today. Without a miracle from God, THIS IS IT! If the doctors are saying that I am untreatable nothing is going to change or improve with my medical condition. THIS IS IT!

Until yesterday, there was some hope (however small) that I could be treated, but now I have been told THIS IS IT!

When you are at the bottom of the pit of despair there is only one way to go and that is UP, so they say. All that happened yesterday when the doctor told me this news is that someone came with a spade and just made the pit of despair a little deeper!

[Scarletprayers]

No all that happened yesterday was what "man" says, now, is when you turn 100% and give it to God and let him show you when He can do!

[WayneB]

Reality has hit me head-on today. Without a miracle from God, THIS IS IT! If the doctors are saying that I am untreatable nothing is going to change or improve with my medical condition. THIS IS IT!

I'm sorry Afal. I can't even imagine...

One day, if I am faced with a hopeless situation, I will turn to my favorite psalm...

Psalm 73

23 Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

24 You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

25 Whom have I in heaven but you?

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

26 My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever.

27 Those who are far from you will perish;

you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.

28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.

I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;

I will tell of all your deeds.

May the Lord Bless you!

wayne

[onetiggerroo]

No all that happened yesterday was what "man" says, now, is when you turn 100% and give it to God and let him show you when He can do!

AMEN! When man fail you STAND, and see what the LORD can do! HE led the Hebrew Children through the desert, and they came through it!

Deuteronomy 8:2 And thou shalt remember all the way which the LORD thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no. 3 And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the LORD doth man live. 4 Thy raiment waxed not old upon thee, neither did thy foot swell, these forty years.

[Guest Biblicist]

[ColleenLovesMischief]

Afal sometimes it is better for man to give up. When all is lost with man we have to turn totally to God!

[Sconzy]

Godslove26 - You don't need to apologise for thinking that I was a guy! Considering how I am feeling at this moment, it really isn't a big deal to me, but thank you for the kind thought in anycase.

SP - Thanks!

Reality has hit me head-on today. Without a miracle from God, THIS IS IT! If the doctors are saying that I am untreatable nothing is going to change or improve with my medical condition. THIS IS IT!

Until yesterday, there was some hope (however small) that I could be treated, but now I have been told THIS IS IT!

When you are at the bottom of the pit of despair there is only one way to go and that is UP, so they say. All that happened yesterday when the doctor told me this news is that someone came with a spade and just made the pit of despair a little deeper!

I know the Lord will make a way for you.

Isaiah 43:1-4 even if the doctor cannot help God will see you through.

[Afal]

Thank you all once again for such kindness. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me as do the Bible verses and the hugs.

I started this thread when I was looking for a reason to live, long before any indication of the doctors' diagnosis. I am glad that I did because somehow your kindness is making a difference, despite what the doctors have said. I read your posts several times in order to let the words sink in.

I believe in a God of miracles and I need to hold on to that belief however bleak (humanly speaking) the future looks.

I feel a bit like Peter at the moment as he stepped out of the boat. When I keep my eyes on Jesus, it is OK, but when I look around at the massive waves, then I begin to sink.

Thank you for helping me to keep my eyes on Jesus.

[onetiggerroo]

Thank you all once again for such kindness. Your words of encouragement mean so much to me as do the Bible verses and the hugs.

I started this thread when I was looking for a reason to live, long before any indication of the doctors' diagnosis. I am glad that I did because somehow your kindness is making a difference, despite what the doctors have said. I read your posts several times in order to let the words sink in.

I believe in a God of miracles and I need to hold on to that belief however bleak (humanly speaking) the future looks.

I feel a bit like Peter at the moment as he stepped out of the boat. When I keep my eyes on Jesus, it is OK, but when I look around at the massive waves, then I begin to sink.

Thank you for helping me to keep my eyes on Jesus.

Keep focused on JESUS.

[Afal]

OK - Confession time!

I CAN'T DO THIS!!!

Last night, I was back to being suicidal, despite what I had written in my last post. Thank you to the people who prayed for me. I made it through the night.

This is just a HORRIBLE cycle of suicidal, not suicidal, suicidal, not suicidal ...

How do I break this cycle? The doctors can only suggest medication to 'knock myself out' when I am feeling suicidal. That is no way to live. Up until this week, I had thought that there was a chance of treatment. Now that I know that there isn't, it means that this cycle of suicidal, not suicidal, suicidal ... will just continue until my death. That is no way to live for anyone. Hardly a day goes by where I am not suicidal for at least some part of the day - usually, late evening, although I am already feeling quite suicidal now and it is only mid-morning!

Sorry if this sounds like a pity-party. That is not my intention. I am just so desperate to know how to cope with my situation because the bottom line is that I still believe that suicide is wrong.

But, on the other hand, I CAN'T CARRY ON LIKE THIS!!!!

The thought of living one more day, week or even month like this is just so awful.

Maybe I am just being selfish because I want to feel 'normal'. Yes, I know that there is no such thing as normal, but what I am experiencing is definitely NOT normal. There is a consensus of opinion as to what normal is and I no longer fall within that definition. How can I with these daily suicidal thoughts?

I am sorry to have posted here again but you are the only people that I can tell. The doctors have given up on me (remember their word UNTREATABLE?) and my family is no where to be seen.

Friends tell me to just 'take one day at a time'. Well, I can't even do that. It is mid-morning and I just don't even know how I am going to make it through today. I really do not know how to cope other than take the medications to deliberately knock myself out for a few hours. WOW! What a life!

Sorry, I am rambling and crying at the same time. I had better stop here and just do what the doctors advise when things get this bad. Hopefully, when I wake up, I will feel stronger to face the pain of today.