Pregnant fiancee

[Schwol]

Hi everyone. Just looking for some advice, encouragement, and prayer. My name's Mike. I'm 21 and I've been with my finacee, Athena, 18, for almost 3 years, engaged for 3 months. We've been saved since this past Easter. Her mother and father are divorced and her father is remarried with an 8 yr old and 2 yr old from the new wife. Both him and his new wife are Christian, and have been for a few years. I started living with Athena and her mother, her cousin and cousin's baby a few weeks into the relationship. Her father and stepmother did not know this was going on. They also did not know that we've been having sex since the beginning of our relationship, and she got pregnant last July or August, and she had an abortion in September of 06. The Lord put it in her heart to come clean and tell her parents of our abortion about 2 months ago. We're not %100 positive but we think she's pregnant again. She has tender and swollen breasts, firm stomach, it feels like its stretching to her. We have definitely not learned from our sin and may be in the same predicament again. We're without a doubt going to need assistance, probably through Medicaid, because even though I would give everything I have for my kid, everything I have can't even cover the cost of birthing him or her. Both of our families are going to flip, especially both of our fathers. This is enough to make me implode, but I need to stay strong for her, because she's incredibly overwhelmed. A big dilemma for her is that.. most of our closest friends are Christian couples with kids ages 4-8, whom we take care of and mentor from time to time. "What kind of example are we setting?" is what she's thinking. Which I completely understand.. Her brother is 8, what's he gonna think? I think all we can do is be adults and in the future we can be an example to them and hope they don't make the same mistakes, not to say I'll EVER call my kid a mistake. God makes no mistakes. Aside from her father and stepmother, no other parent on either side is a believer. "God has all things in his hands" will make not the slightest dent in their immediate feelings, but after the initial shock, I hope everyone can get past that for our and our child's sake. I don't want to kill another baby and, furthermore, run the risk of never being able to have a child with the girl I love . We're both community college students also working, 2 days a week for her, 3 for me, both of us going to school tues/thurs. I don't think I'm ready for this, mostly the reaction from our families is what worries me, but I'm just in shock right now. I'm not really looking for much from this post. Just what I said earlier, advice, encouragement, and prayer. Thanks everybody!!

Mike

Edited October 17, 2007 by Schwol

[poorinspirit]

Hi Mike,

Why not elope? Get the married part out of the way and have the public wedding whenever you have it set at even if it is at a much later date?

Then trust the Lord to walk you through this valley. It may seem like a huge obstacle, but I have heard it can be done.... so keep the baby. I don't know of anyone off hand, but you can check around somehow and find those that have gone through it and get some tips on managing time and determine if sacrifices is neccessary or not ... like one set aside his or her career while they other tend to the baby till the schooling gets done and then switch over for the other to get the schooling done.

Check around at community college... maybe there are some stories floating around about couples that have done it.

Anyway... for ya.

[ColleenLovesMischief]

May I say this....we all make mistakes. I have done the same thing recently in getting pregnant before I was married. You two have been together long enough to decide the future. If you can both agree on it you should marry. I just got married in Auguat, and my baby is due in December. I know God forgives, but I am not one to sit and test His patience for a long time. I would definately not abort again. If there is a baby God has a purpose for that child. We married as soon as I could find someone to do it. Pray about it, and see what God would have you to do....then do it.

[Schwol]

Thanks for the info and prayer. If she IS pregnant, we'll keep the baby. I don't want to give or throw him/her away. I can never imagine looking at ultrasounds and listening to her belly and just saying goodbye like that. Anyone have any more info on financial aid? I'm looking into Medicaid for us. Her cousin had Medicaid for her baby, but I can't ask her yet. We're not even sure if she's pregnant, but she has been before, and she says she feels the same way. We're both terrified. I'm worried about cost of birth. Thank you everyone!

[damo1]

from damo1

hay mike i am not going to judge you or say what you do not want to hear i feel from what i read and then reading what other posters had said is this you need to man up and seek god on this and also support your partner no matter what you might be feeling

you sort of remind me of me when i was young i meet this girl in a youth refuge we wear not Christians so we did not worry on what the bible said on what you shared this happens when you start a new relationship and its something that can be hard on a young person i was 16 going on to 17 and my partner was 16yrs old yet wear i live in Australia our government supports parents on a center link pay ment and you get your medical needs also provided for as you are given a health care card and Medicare card that means free service for those that are unemployed and when the child is born you get extra assistance as well to support the new child

we had mark when my partner turned 17 and her side supported us as mark was diagnosed to have autism i support mark still to this day and have not turned my back on mark even though i have another son to my wife that i met in Canberra and we did the same i was a Christian but i was slipping and i did not tel no one in my church that i was sleeping with my partner but we wear also talking about marriage and our church helped us they provided the hall the people i new helped with the food and my pastor married us

as i was the type of guy who would not care until god began to talk to me on this to what i was doing and i know of others also that have done the same thing as its something that just happens and our urges are hard to control when it comes to us men being attracted to the opposite sex so i have two kids two wonderful boys

we did not op out and have an abortion as we thought this was wrong to do my partner was told to do this by some of the youth workers as we had a close friend at Katoomba youth refuge who we had gotten to know and we told my friend what happened see the rules are no sleeping around as the females had their own rooms and we had our own rooms but we broke the rules and worked around to wear we would not get caught out

i would suggest that you talk to a Christian counselor and make an appointment for both you and your partner

i am going to pray for you as i said i do not believe in pointing the finger and i will not throw bible verses at you this is wrong to do

i know many young girls hear who have kids and i work with troubled youth who are not Christians i am a god father to some of these young women that i have gotten to know as one girl is only 14yrs old

i am off to work but i Will come back and add some more things for you yet as i said you need to man up my friend and just be responsible for this little one god will help you

[Marnie]

If I understand your post and sequence of events, you started having sex with this girl when she was 15 and you were 18, right? Boy, I'll say one thing for you, man, you got guts fessing up to that. If my Dad ever caught wind that some guy your age had been having sex with me at that age, you'd be less of a man today after he got his hands on you.

My advice: (1) Marry this woman or get away from her. (2) Stop "mentoring" kids immediately until you get your life straightened out. (3) Drop out of college and get a job to support your family, or find a way to work full time and go to college. It can be done, I did it for a while. You have a responsibility to provide for you burgeoning family. Playing house is over.

I'd also consider NOT telling her or your parents the whole, sordid story. I cannot think of a useful purpose in the parents knowing that this sexual thing has been going on for so long. To you it may have been "love," but I guarantee you, that is NOT what the parents will think.

Good luck. I have a feeling you guys will need it.

[Schwol]

Marnie: Her parents know we've been having sex. They don't know exactly how long. They know about the abortion. Her mom knew we were having sex before we came clean about the abortion (we were living in her home, of course she found out). There's not much we haven't disclosed about this ordeal. I fully understand I have to man up and take care of my family. And by "mentoring" the children, I did not by any means mean that I counsel them on how to morally live their lives. Poor word choice on my part. We baby sit from time to time and do some bible studies with them. They look up to us. I'm at a new job making $9/Hour working 30-35 hours a week. I will push the hours to the limit, but I have tried not to stay too long so I can spend time with Athena. We're in premarital classes at our church currently as well. I just don't know how we'll be able to show our faces at church. She told every girl who went to camp with our church this Summer that she had an abortion with me, so everyone there knows. But the church is a breeze compared to our fathers. But even that's a breeze compared to being a father, so that's #1 on my list.

Thanks to everyone

Edited October 17, 2007 by Schwol

[Trusting Jesus]

The advice here is very good. The baby is a person and you must not kill this child. But you also say you have been saved since Easter. That is great, but you need to get into a right relationship with God. Do you attend church? Do you study your Bible? God forgives all sin -- past sin, present sin, and future sin. But once we become born again we are to turn away from sin. Your living situation is not right before God. Yes, you need to marry this young lady or you need to move out. Either way you are responsible for the baby and will need to support this child. both of you need to get right with God. Having sexual relations outside of a marraige is wrong is God's eyes...but not unforgivable. Everyone commits sin no matter how many years we walk with God. But the thing is to recognize the sin and correct it. Again, you need to get your relationship with Jesus right and live your life for Him.

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Nathele

[Marnie]

Marnie: Her parents know we've been having sex. They don't know exactly how long. They know about the abortion. Her mom knew we were having sex before we came clean about the abortion (we were living in her home, of course she found out). There's not much we haven't disclosed about this ordeal. I fully understand I have to man up and take care of my family. And by "mentoring" the children, I did not by any means mean that I counsel them on how to morally live their lives. Poor word choice on my part. We baby sit from time to time and do some bible studies with them. They look up to us. I'm at a new job making $9/Hour working 30-35 hours a week. I will push the hours to the limit, but I have tried not to stay too long so I can spend time with Athena. We're in premarital classes at our church currently as well. I just don't know how we'll be able to show our faces at church. She told every girl who went to camp with our church this Summer that she had an abortion with me, so everyone there knows. But the church is a breeze compared to our fathers. But even that's a breeze compared to being a father, so that's #1 on my list.

Thanks to everyone

Ah, gotcha. I read to fast, sorry.

Don't forget, you'll have your whole life to spend with your wife. Financially, the first few years will be the hardest. A little understanding on both your parts will help with the lack of time spent together.

Something else that I thought of. If you are still living with the inlaws, I'd look at getting outta there and getting on my own. Perhaps they would be willing to subsidize you guys for a while. As long as you two are under someone else's roof, they can call some of the shots. Now, with my temperament, I'd go nuts. Maybe you can take it.

[Schwol]

Marnie: Her parents know we've been having sex. They don't know exactly how long. They know about the abortion. Her mom knew we were having sex before we came clean about the abortion (we were living in her home, of course she found out). There's not much we haven't disclosed about this ordeal. I fully understand I have to man up and take care of my family. And by "mentoring" the children, I did not by any means mean that I counsel them on how to morally live their lives. Poor word choice on my part. We baby sit from time to time and do some bible studies with them. They look up to us. I'm at a new job making $9/Hour working 30-35 hours a week. I will push the hours to the limit, but I have tried not to stay too long so I can spend time with Athena. We're in premarital classes at our church currently as well. I just don't know how we'll be able to show our faces at church. She told every girl who went to camp with our church this Summer that she had an abortion with me, so everyone there knows. But the church is a breeze compared to our fathers. But even that's a breeze compared to being a father, so that's #1 on my list.

Thanks to everyone

Ah, gotcha. I read to fast, sorry.

Don't forget, you'll have your whole life to spend with your wife. Financially, the first few years will be the hardest. A little understanding on both your parts will help with the lack of time spent together.

Something else that I thought of. If you are still living with the inlaws, I'd look at getting outta there and getting on my own. Perhaps they would be willing to subsidize you guys for a while. As long as you two are under someone else's roof, they can call some of the shots. Now, with my temperament, I'd go nuts. Maybe you can take it.

I really just want my baby to have clean clothes and never have to go hungry. I'll go with the bare minimum to give him or her the maximum. Her mom is very helpful with the kids my fiancee's cousin has, and loves them dearly. Athena doesn't want to accept help from anyone, she's very against asking for help, even when it's offered. I, on the other hand, never ask for help, but will accept it when needed, and when I know I would dearly want the other party to accept it from me.

I do attend church at least twice a week most weeks, and have a family bible study with the married couples mentioned in the first post, usually between 12-18 people, more some times. I have really been trying not to sleep with her (actual sleep), but she's so emotional I can't bare to leave her. I'll usually tell her I'll leave after I put her to sleep, probably between 10 and 12 at night, but sometimes I just want to hold her all night and give her that comfort, so I won't leave. The temptation is so strong when I sleep there. Sometimes at night, but usually in the morning, when she goes to shower. Sometimes its nothing but sometimes it seems unbearable and we give in to temptation. I'm so overwhelmed and she's not even late yet. She'll be late in 2-3 days. But it seems to obvious. About school.. I'd do it if I have to, but without school, I'm in no position to be a real long term benefit in any way. I don't even know what my dad would think. Two of the three things he ever told me he doesn't want to happen are very real possibilities right now. Thanks again