Axxman Posted March 23, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 24 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 3,292 Content Per Day: 0.52 Reputation: 11 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/21/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted March 23, 2008 One of my very best friends is a female who is having marital problems and is on the verge of divorce. I understand the bibles position on divorce (as does she) and it is a very difficult thing to watch as the marriage deteriorates. We have both prayed ALOT for her husband, but there seems to be no change in his attitude towards his wife, or the marriage in general. I should point out that they are BOTH Christians. Here is my question... The bible tells us that ONE of the two reasons for divorce is physical abandonment (i.e. the spouse actually leaving the marriage). In this case the husband has not "physically" left. In fact, he seems to be taking advantage of the biblical principle of physical abandonment in that he feels justified in his actions as long as HE isn't the one leaving. However, he has completely spiritually abandoned the marriage by refusing to partake in the marriage or the spiritual growth of the marriage, or his wife. He has refused Christian counseling and seems intent on doing nothing to stop the bleeding. However, he feels justified in his behavior as long as he doesn't leave the marriage. My friend even gave him a deadline for change (their anniversary date in the middle of March) hoping to motivate him to at least go to counseling...that date came and went. In fact, he didn't even speak to her on their anniversary. It just seems like lunacy to me. Has this man not abandoned the marriage? Even if he refuses to "physically" leave? I know this might sound like I am phishing for reasons to support divorce...but I can assure you I have prayed for this marriage for some time. It is becoming increasingly more difficult for me to be objective as I see the pain my friend is going through. So I thought I would turn to my friends here at WB for a more objective viewpoint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bluoak Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 As someone who is a Christian and has been through a divorce, I still am confused by the whole subject. My situation was different (as they all are), but I guess my question to you is what is your motivation to seek this information. Not trying to point fingers, but why is your friend praying with you? She should be praying with her husband and other women. She should ask herself if by seeking your emotional support in this matter, is she not committing an emotional affair? That being said, good friends are hard to come by during a divorce. Please continue to point her toward counseling, even by herself. I continually asked the question: How can I be a better wife? That did not stop my husband from having multiple affairs (physical and emotional) and mentally and verbally abusing me. But, even as we filed for divorce, the answer that I came to was to love him where he is at, because God does. So I was a better wife because I loved him where he was at. I hope that makes sense. Probably not what you were looking for, but an opinion, non the less. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat8585 Posted March 23, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 1,360 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 7,866 Content Per Day: 1.23 Reputation: 26 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/22/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/18/1946 Share Posted March 23, 2008 I don't understand what's in it for him to stay if he doesn't want the marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneLight Posted March 23, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 22 Topic Count: 1,294 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 31,762 Content Per Day: 5.19 Reputation: 9,763 Days Won: 115 Joined: 09/14/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted March 23, 2008 This truly is a tough one. It certainly sounds like he is a true manipulator. He is hiding behind the name "Christian ", yet, denying the responsibilities that come with the being one. His motives are not of Christ. I also wonder why he holds onto the marriage, but denies the whole Godly concept of marriage? It is an ugly question, but has he had an affair? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leonard Posted March 23, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 115 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 8,281 Content Per Day: 1.12 Reputation: 249 Days Won: 3 Joined: 03/03/2004 Status: Offline Birthday: 10/30/1955 Share Posted March 23, 2008 Look up the different words used in Hebrew and Greek for 'divorce' and 'putting away,' and I think it will shed much light on the issue for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Axxman Posted March 23, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 24 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 3,292 Content Per Day: 0.52 Reputation: 11 Days Won: 0 Joined: 01/21/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted March 23, 2008 I don't understand what's in it for him to stay if he doesn't want the marriage. Fair question... She makes alot of money. She has two jobs...he doesn't work. I'm also not sure he doesn't want the marriage...I would say currently he is taking advantage of the marriage. She told him three days ago that she felt the marriage was over because of his actions. His response? He went on a golfing vacation and said he would pray for her. He has it made in this marriage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kat8585 Posted March 23, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 3 Topic Count: 1,360 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 7,866 Content Per Day: 1.23 Reputation: 26 Days Won: 0 Joined: 11/22/2006 Status: Offline Birthday: 04/18/1946 Share Posted March 23, 2008 In some cases, I'm not saying this is one, but in some, you have to wonder who is Christian. In my case, we both supposedly were. He wasn't a bad man, but he didn't walk his talk. He refused to have any kind of spiritual life with me (after we were married). Then he left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Greg Davies Posted March 23, 2008 Share Posted March 23, 2008 (edited) As heart rending as this is emotionally, scripturally there is a simple, although difficult, procedure: Matt 18:15-18. Appearently, the woman has taken the first step and the man has not repented. The next step is to take him before some in church leadership so there are proper witnesses to the issues. If he will not hear them and continues to sin by breaking his marriage vows to love his wife and contiues to abuse her emotionally as he is, then it should be brought before the church in an appropriate manner. It doesn't need to be a spectacle. If he still refuses to repent, then the church should disfellowship him. He then falls into the category of an unbeliever (I Tim 5:8 & I Cor 7:15) and the wife is free to pursue a divorce and remarry. That which is loosed on earth is loosed in heaven. This all assumes the local church has the courage to follow this scriptual council. Ultimately, the one who has been sinned against in a marriage has the right to decide when enough is enough and we should be carfeful not to judge. We are not in the home to witness the breaking of the marriage vows. We don't really know what they are going through. It is really between them and the Lord. Greg. Edited March 23, 2008 by Greg Davies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
His_Own Posted March 23, 2008 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 0 Topic Count: 2 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 127 Content Per Day: 0.02 Reputation: 1 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/21/2008 Status: Offline Share Posted March 23, 2008 Some of the things the Father asked me under when I was going through hard times: 1. What is a marriage? Is it just the absence of adultery? If not that, what is it? 2. Is it leaving and cleaving? If so, what do these mean? 3. Moses allowed divorce for hardness of heart. What does that look like in a marriage? 4. Is marriage a contract which can be broken by one party? or is it an unbreakable covenant? 5. Is our Father perfect? Under what circumstances did He divorce Israel? Study His relationship with Israel. Based on the answers to these questions, and how they relate to the marriage, He made it clear to me that He was a G-d of Truth, and I should act accordingly. Also potentially applicable: 1 Timothy 5:8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneLight Posted March 23, 2008 Group: Royal Member Followers: 22 Topic Count: 1,294 Topics Per Day: 0.21 Content Count: 31,762 Content Per Day: 5.19 Reputation: 9,763 Days Won: 115 Joined: 09/14/2007 Status: Offline Share Posted March 23, 2008 As heart rending as this is emotionally, scripturally there is a simple, although difficult, procedure: Matt 18:15-18. Appearently, the woman has taken the first step and the man has not repented. The next step is to take him before some in church leadership so there are proper witnesses to the issues. If he will not hear them and continues to sin by breaking his marriage vows to love his wife and contiues to abuse her emotionally as he is, then it should be brought before the church in an appropriate manner. It doesn't need to be a spectacle. If he still refuses to repent, then the church should disfellowship him. He then falls into the category of an unbeliever (I Tim 5:8 & I Cor 7:15) and the wife is free to pursue a divorce and remarry. That which is loosed on earth is loosed in heaven. This all assumes the local church has the courage to follow this scriptual council. Ultimately, the one who has been sinned against in a marriage has the right to decide when enough is enough and we should be carfeful not to judge. We are not in the home to witness the breaking of the marriage vows. We don't really know what they are going through. It is really between them and the Lord. Greg. The problem is that he does not want to leave, so it falls under verses 13-14, if he is an unbeliever. 1 Corinthians 7:12-14 12 But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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