Arranged marriages- still a good idea?

[Guest Biblicist]

It takes a lot of work, and dillegance. It's kind of a pain at times, and to some it may seem as if we are trying to do God's job. We are not, but we are doing the job God gave us, and that is, making sure that our children are safe and cared for in a happy marriage to someone who knows Christ as they do.

[Guest HIS girl]

It takes a lot of work, and dillegance. It's kind of a pain at times, and to some it may seem as if we are trying to do God's job. We are not, but we are doing the job God gave us, and that is, making sure that our children are safe and cared for in a happy marriage to someone who knows Christ as they do.

True - you are laying a foundation of love/care for your child, which is what parenting is all about.

[Smalcald]

Approval yes, selection no.

[Guest Biblicist]

Approval yes, selection no.

Are you telling me that you let your kids hang out with anyone they wish, go wherever they wish, no matter their age?

Choosing a mate begins with choosing friends. Allowing my children to have more time with their Christian friends, IS choosing. I select whom I feel would be building my child up, helping them grow closer to the Lord, not away from. They are learning to select on their own now. It's a beautiful thing.

I never hesitate to allow my child to spend time with their church friends. Mostly because I grew up with the parents. [Even if they are grounded for some reason, they are still allowed to hang out with their Christian friends] I almost always hesitate and spend time contemplating [praying about] the time I allow my child to spend with their unsaved friends. They know this, and they accept it. They realize it is for their protection.

Every date, every friendship has the potential to turn into a long lasting relationship. Our Youth Pastor told us "Every date is a possible mate." I do not take that lightly.

[Guest Biblicist]

I don't see how it is not the same thing. I have selected the kind of person my child should marry, and in my son's case, the actual girl, by arranging certain friendships, and discouraging others.

Just because you do not know the children your daughter associates with, doesn't mean you can't get to know them. Don't let her go to their homes for play times, insist that they play at your house. Speak with the parents on the phone, regularly. We have only lived in this neighborhood for 4 years, and we know our children's friends, and their parents pretty well. [We had an "interesting" first meeting. ]

I'm not entirely sure that your relationship with your wife is what I am talking about. Why would her parents not have chosen you? Were you not a believer?

I do not care how well I now a person, or their family, if they are not a believer I will not approve of the marriage. There are some kids that are believers, but knowing them as I do, and knowing their parents as I do, I would not approve of a relationship between them and my child either. My children know this.

Open communication with your children is important.

[KC02]

RunningGator asked:

what else should marriage be based upon? I marriage wihout love is not a marriage

I agree totally. Of course in other cultures, love is assumed to come after the marriage. Marriage customs really interest and often perplex me. I wonder what happens when the love doesn't come after the marriage?

I really don't think arranged marriages are as bad as most westerners imagine. Also these cultures are becoming more liberal. If the son or daughter refuses to marry the one that is picked out, usually the parents find another mate (instead of disowning them).

In India a girl's family pays the man a dowlery (sp) (money!) for marrying their daughter. What is that culture saying about women? If the girl doesn't have the money, they don't marry.

[Guest Biblicist]

We picked his girl when they were in 3rd grade together.

They were friends. We have fostered that friendship. We take our son out to see her, and they bring her to see him. They had their first official "date" last year. JROTC has their annual Military Ball in March, and her parents allowed her to come. She is a year younger than our son is, so the rules for their "dates" are pretty strict. Plus, her mother is a Law Enforcement Officer, with a tazer.

There have been other girls that have been interested in him but we discouraged certain ones because of the girl or her family. UGH, one girl...I even told him that a relationship with her was NEVER an option. Not even friendship.

Our daughter is not yet interested in boys. I hope it stays that way. As of this point, I have not met a boy that would suit her. I do have one in mind, but she just thinks of him as her best friend's gross older brother.

I'll explain to you about my niece, maybe you will see that it's not as strict as all that. I do believe that God can bring two people together without the help of the parents, after all, he did for me. But sometimes I wish my mother had not let me go with the boys she did. The trouble I got into, the regret that I live with...

She had never been interested or had time for boys. She was to busy with sports and preparing for her career. She met this guy when she was just finishing up her education. From the moment we met this guy we knew that God had chosen him for her, and visa versa. She had been raised to believe that marrying a man who was not a believer was wrong. The first and only boyfriend she brings home is a PK. They met in February, and by that Thanksgiving, they were married. Their union was ordained by God, no doubt. The whole thing was a mindset. She knew exactly the type of man she should marry and that is what God provided.

We have ladies at our church who have never married because they have not found the man who will be a Godly Head to their home. They have been "blessed with singleness".

As I said, I don't know if my son will actually marry this girl, anything can happen. No matter what happens, I know that we have trained him how to choose the right girl, not just anyone.

My poor nephew has been through several relationships, where both got hurt, because he has no clear path for marriage. He's just going by feeling. He met a girl in HS, but they never dated, so he hopped from girl to girl till they finally hooked back up. In the process he's left a string of broken relationships and broken hearts. I do not want that for either of my children. You don't "test drive" a person.

I think you are assuming one important thing. I am not going to force my child to marry someone they do not want to marry. Nor would I deny their marriage [unless for the obvious reasons, Unsaved] to someone. I take my protection of them very seriously. And protecting their marriage, at this point, is my job as well. I can't tell my children that marriage is forever, then not prepare them for it.

Here's a question for you....What do you think Match.com, EHarmony.com, EquallyYoked.com are? They arrange matches between people who are of like mind, and interest. Wouldn't it be better for the parents, who know their child, help to arrange the match? Wouldn't a child be able to trust their parents more? I would hope so.

[Guest Biblicist]

you gotta remember, gator: love is a choice.

Char!

[Guest Biblicist]

I just wanted to say that I have really enjoyed this conversation. Even though we don't agree it's remained civil, kind and gracious. And I really appreciate that.

So Thank You, each one of you for treating me with respect even though my views are...different, than yours. I appreciate that you let me explain and didn't throw insults at me, or belittle my choices.

It's refreshing to have a conversation such as this and each of you is to be commended.

Blessings,

Bibs

[Guest HIS girl]

If we want to get technical and say that arranged marriages limit ones options, well don't we ALREADY do that in our so called "freedom" society? We limit ourselves by only choosing from "acceptable" pools, acceptable "class" levels regarding finances, racial groups, "good breeding" and so forth, so what's the difference really? We are still "protecting" ourselves somehow with what we deem as acceptable.