DarkNebulaWelder Posted March 28, 2009 Group: Senior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 98 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 580 Content Per Day: 0.09 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/18/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 That's great. You want to put off onto someone else what you are suffering. I'm sorry...I don't understand. Was that sarcasm? You know, I would appreciate any advice you can offer, even if it's corrective on your part, but please, I'm not looking for sarcasm. This is a real struggle for me -- I've never been good at confrontation, and that is why I have let people walk all over me for all of my life. I really think that God is trying to teach me something here, and I need advice and encouragement -- not sarcasm. Talking to an elder is great advise and it should be done with all present. You, the elder and one or two other brethren and you friend with the problem and everybody needs to be up front. He needs to be stopped and he needs to be directed to some one who can help him. Because if it is not you it will probably be someone else. If he will not stop he needs to be asked to leave the church. What he is showing is NOT the kind of love that exists between one bother in Christ to another and he may even be possessed with the spirit of gay. That is what the gifts are all about. He is wooing you. I am a female....I doubt he's homosexual. As for your anger it is not unjustified and maybe even acceptable under the circumstances. But I would have spoken to this guy the very first or maybe the second time he brought me a gift. In fact I probably would have been down right stern to him after he told me how beautiful I was. That kind of spirit is one that should dealt with firm but with compassion. You are correct. It is a form of stalking. I appreciate all of your advice. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkNebulaWelder Posted March 28, 2009 Group: Senior Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 98 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 580 Content Per Day: 0.09 Reputation: 0 Days Won: 0 Joined: 04/18/2007 Status: Offline Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thank you, everyone. I am seeing him tonight at Bible study. He brought me a gift earlier....I'm going to have to give it back to him and confront him. Please pray for me!!! The worst part is....he knows I am still married....albeit separated, but married, nonetheless. so how did it go? was he there? did you give the gift back? did you confront him? do tell! First of all, for those of you who don't know, let me please clarify that I am a female. I am thinking that my screenname might have misled a lot of you, and I apologize. As for last night...well, I ended up not even going. This whole situation is wearing me out. I wasn't much in the mood to see him, but I will have to on Sunday. It's just awkward, because he works in the prayer room with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Massorite Posted March 28, 2009 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 38 Topics Per Day: 0.01 Content Count: 1,973 Content Per Day: 0.32 Reputation: 36 Days Won: 2 Joined: 04/26/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 11/13/1953 Share Posted March 28, 2009 That's great. You want to put off onto someone else what you are suffering. I'm sorry...I don't understand. Was that sarcasm? You know, I would appreciate any advice you can offer, even if it's corrective on your part, but please, I'm not looking for sarcasm. This is a real struggle for me -- I've never been good at confrontation, and that is why I have let people walk all over me for all of my life. I really think that God is trying to teach me something here, and I need advice and encouragement -- not sarcasm. Talking to an elder is great advise and it should be done with all present. You, the elder and one or two other brethren and you friend with the problem and everybody needs to be up front. He needs to be stopped and he needs to be directed to some one who can help him. Because if it is not you it will probably be someone else. If he will not stop he needs to be asked to leave the church. What he is showing is NOT the kind of love that exists between one bother in Christ to another and he may even be possessed with the spirit of gay. That is what the gifts are all about. He is wooing you. I am a female....I doubt he's homosexual. As for your anger it is not unjustified and maybe even acceptable under the circumstances. But I would have spoken to this guy the very first or maybe the second time he brought me a gift. In fact I probably would have been down right stern to him after he told me how beautiful I was. That kind of spirit is one that should dealt with firm but with compassion. You are correct. It is a form of stalking. I appreciate all of your advice. Thank you. No insult intended here but I guess it was some what sarcastic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brothaman Posted March 28, 2009 Group: Advanced Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 5 Topics Per Day: 0.00 Content Count: 168 Content Per Day: 0.03 Reputation: 13 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/27/2009 Status: Offline Birthday: 03/11/1975 Share Posted March 28, 2009 I know I haven't posted here in a while, but I have a serious issue at my church. One of the guys in my singles group just won't lay off of me. I have made the mistake of getting close to him, and now I regret it, because all he does is latch onto me. He is overwhelming me with his presence, and I am beginning to get really frustrated, to the point of wondering wether or not I should leave my church. He says he has no interest in me apart from friendship...He must think I'm a complete moron. He is always bringing me gifts and things...It is so annoying. I have explained to him that in no way do I desire a romantic relationship with him, but he continues to bring me gifts and stuff. I can't go one church service without him coming over and sitting by me. He has told me he has loved me, and was even calling me at work every day....It was almost like he was a stalker at one point. The other night after Bible study, we were talking, and he was showing me how he's learning sign language, then he says "Oh, I'm usually faster, but I get nervous around you." I asked why, and he said it was because my beauty was overwhelming....okay, my beauty is NOT overwhelming, and that is just scary!!!!!!!! I just wish he would find a girlfriend or something and leave me alone!!! It's getting to the point where I am getting so irate with him, and I don't want to be angry. I try to ask God to take this anger away, but it stays. A few weeks ago, I told him that he needed to quit calling me, then he left the church for a week. I know that he got very offended, and when he came back, I was happy, because I had felt like it was my fault...but now, he's latching on to me again. I am starting to get angry at him, and also at God...Why doesn't God tell him that he needs to lay off?! It's like I have to be rude to him in order to get him to quit being so friendly to the point of suffocation. Man, why can't he find someone else to latch onto?! So, what should I do?! I don't want to leave my church...I love it....but it's getting to the point where he is driving me crazy!!!! The last thing you should do is get angry with God. Maybe God is trying to teach you something or maybe God is trying to have you teach this guy something. I don't know the reason and I my guess is that you don't either. Pray about it and be patient for the answer. Maybe you should talk to you pastor about it if it is bothering you that much. Maybe you should try to help him find someone else......hang in there Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishcowboy Posted March 28, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 127 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 3,248 Content Per Day: 0.88 Reputation: 13 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/23/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted March 28, 2009 I have not read all the post here, but of the ones I have read, they make good counsel..... let an elder, deacon, or pastor know what is going on (or pastors wife or a deaconess......) another thing you may wish to do, is to enlist the assistance of others.... such as others that you like to sit by, and get yourself between others.... something else to do might even wait for just before the service, see where he is, and quetly slide up and sit as far from him as you can, perferable with one or two of your lady friends and try to pick a spot that there is no room for him... mostly thou, I would make sure some one in authority does know about this situation.... even an usher might be able to help get you to a quit seat. stalking is not a good thing, neither is harrassment..... some church fellowships have implimented security.... they roam the halls, check in on class rooms to ensure the instructors are ok, they walk the parking lot to ensure that vehicles are not being messed with, they also ensure that children are not walking the halls with out escort or a parent, so that people are being accounted for... class rooms have windows in the doors and other viewing points for such things also..... I would venture to say that if you asked a deacon or elder or usher to help you, or watch over you to see if there is anything that might be inappropriate is taking place, this could be good for verification that the guy is stalking you, if you point out where he is, and then sit some where else, and he gets up and moves towards you, then that would be a good indication,,,, and if he is asked not to sit with you or near you and he does, then it has become harrassement and/or stalking... mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tigger398 Posted March 28, 2009 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 6 Topic Count: 562 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 2,074 Content Per Day: 0.31 Reputation: 648 Days Won: 2 Joined: 11/01/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/31/1966 Share Posted March 28, 2009 there something wrong. I'm sorry none of my guy friends ever bought me gifts, if i wasn't intrested, and call work everyday. that sounds like obbsession and it can be dangerous. I don't care what anyone thinks, that it's not dangerous. Just cause he goes to church with ya don't mean he safe. You really needs to tell someone. and i'm gonna pray for ya ok I meant before I was married don't want anyone getting wrong idea lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glorywatch Posted March 29, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 2 Topic Count: 88 Topics Per Day: 0.02 Content Count: 692 Content Per Day: 0.12 Reputation: 2 Days Won: 0 Joined: 06/02/2008 Status: Offline Birthday: 03/02/1946 Share Posted March 29, 2009 You have been given some really good advice. But I noticed that you said in one of your latest posts that he gave you a gift, and that you need to give it back. HELLO! STOP taking gifts from him. You are saying one thing, but doing another. STOP! Man...You are so right!!! When he sits beside you, get up and move. You do not have to be rude, but you can be direct and to the point. Wouldn't getting up and moving as soon as someone sits down be considered rude? I would think that is the epitome of rude. Doesn't the Bible tell us that love is not rude? How is this showing Christian love? Although, I do agree that sitting in the middle of others would be a good solution. For a while, I was purposely coming in late to church to avoid him, but I really don't like doing that!!!! STOP worring about what others think. If you think others perceive you as rude, because you get up and move, you can apologize to them later for your "lack of socail skills." I wasn't suggesting making a production out of it...just say excuse me, get up go to the back of the church for a few minutes while you find another place to sit. The most important thing for you to do is get out of the cross-hairs of this person. Worry about how it appears later. I can assure you that most people you know in your group at church aren't aware you have a problem with him because you haven't given in any indications of it. If you start ignoring him they will pick up on it. Pray for him, YES. But by all means keep your distance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tigger398 Posted March 29, 2009 Group: Diamond Member Followers: 6 Topic Count: 562 Topics Per Day: 0.08 Content Count: 2,074 Content Per Day: 0.31 Reputation: 648 Days Won: 2 Joined: 11/01/2005 Status: Offline Birthday: 05/31/1966 Share Posted March 29, 2009 Don't !!! tell this guy or others your buisness, or where your going only so he don't follow you or anything like that. Don't give out personal information like your home address, cell number, and email, or worthy boards, He can find his own boards, Just for your saftey. Sometimes my husband says I tend to say to much to people I don't know well. Don't add him on to your messenger, Don't tell him your meeting friends for dinner or a movie or any plans, Stay away, HE NEEDS COUNCELING !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blien Posted March 30, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 346 Topics Per Day: 0.06 Content Count: 3,050 Content Per Day: 0.50 Reputation: 46 Days Won: 3 Joined: 10/02/2007 Status: Offline Birthday: 08/26/1982 Share Posted March 30, 2009 From a males prospective ... If I may ask, does this person bring gifts to anyone else whom he has Brotherly love for? If not, then you need to point this out to him. Have you sat him down and told him exactly what you see as a friendly relationship and where you draw the lines? Have you told him that he scares you? From my point of view, you need to talk with your pastor. He needs to be aware of this person so he can keep an eye on him, even if this guy stops hitting on you, he may turn his desires toward another. When you do speak with him, do make sure that there are others with you that will be able to give an account of his behavior and words. This is scriptural since you have gone to him yourself. Since it appears that he holds no value to your feelings, consider this when talking to the pastor. You say he is 10 years older then you, but I don't know your age, so i don't know how much of a real difference that is. Are you 40 and he is 50 or are you 18 and he is 28? It does make a difference. He may be the type that hits on the young, the reason why I am asking. You can not be held responsible for others feelings unless you do something for the sole purpose of hurting them. If he takes what you have to say and stays away, that may be God working in him. By showing him remorse for being away for a week, you could of given him false hope. Please, be more careful in the future. Be very concerned when anyone tells you that God is talking to them about how to treat you about any thing. First off, if there is anything in you that needs to be addressed, the Holy Spirit will first come to you before going to anyone else about you. Lastly, you need to inform the police of his habits and allow them to determine if he is stalking you. If you are in any fear of your safety, then they need to address this issue with him. They at least have to become aware that he will not leave you alone in case something else happens, there will be a file on him and know where to reach him. Calling you at work and then showing up at your house goes way beyond and normal line everyone has, unless they have permission to do so, which he does not. You need to take steps that involve first, your pastor and friends, and then the police. Your pastor and friends will be able to verify what you are saying as the truth, even though the police won't need that to investigate the claims, but it will give validity to your statement. Do not leave your church. They are your protection. How do you know he will not go looking for you and that alone may fire up a new line of trouble? One more point, God is not responsible for another persons actions. He has given you His words, which does tell you what you need to do. Don't blame God for what a sick mind does. In prayer ... Your Brother In Christ, Alan You have been given some really good advice. But I noticed that you said in one of your latest posts that he gave you a gift, and that you need to give it back. HELLO! STOP taking gifts from him. You are saying one thing, but doing another. STOP! When he brings you a gift say NO THANK YOU and turn and walk away. When he sits beside you, get up and move, or at least sit in the middle of others, so he will not be able to sit by you. Stop making yourself available. When he comes up to chat with you, say excuse me" and walk away. You do not have to be rude, but you can be direct and to the point. He is stalking you, but you aren't helping yourself by trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings. Just because he is in church doesn't mean his motives are pure. I have seen too many "church guys" that were wolves in sheeps clothing. Many a pervert know that they are able to find prey at a church. If being rude is the worse thing you ever do, you will be ok. But STOP this man NOW. You are putting yourself in a dangerous situation by being polite. GO to the pastor immediately, church elders, or whom ever you need to in order to put an end to it. Praying for you! Hello, another male perspective here... In my opinion, these two above responses are the best replies to your situation. I've been in this exact situation before and these are the best routes to your freedom. The fact that you tell him "no" with your words but say "yes" with your actions is confusing him. It's letting him know that you really aren't sure about what you have said. That you are having second thoughts about him and yes might even be his boyfriend in the future. A lot of girls give a little resistance at the begining but later say okay to going out with someone new. This is a little different because this guy likes you a lot and your actions are saying different things than your words. So, to him, it's like your giving in little-by-little in your subconscious thoughts to the idea. That's why he's persistent. I recommend you watch both communications verbal and actions and also tell someone to intercede for you. Doesn't necessarily have to be the pastor because they are so busy usually that they will not give you full out dedication with this matter. I suggest perhaps a mutual friend you both have (you and this guy)? Or one of your friends (not his). Have this mediator take him out for coffee and let them speak about it. Make sure this mediator makes your intentions clear but without being rude. Let him/her communicate what you truly feel without hiding anything. Everything has to come to light. Leave nothing hidden about your feelings. I understand the whole thing about rudeness, this guy probably has a soft heart right? Easily wounded? Be very careful because you personally (the epitome of his dreams lol) if you are reckless in being cutting and rude with your words can SERIOUSLY cause him DEEP emotional scars you will regret later. He may even get so angry that he might try to do something violent to you. So be careful. Offense is not the way to go.. it can be a tool for the Devil. Remember this verse, and ponder over it. Words have a powerful effect on people: Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
irishcowboy Posted March 30, 2009 Group: Royal Member Followers: 1 Topic Count: 127 Topics Per Day: 0.03 Content Count: 3,248 Content Per Day: 0.88 Reputation: 13 Days Won: 0 Joined: 03/23/2014 Status: Offline Share Posted March 30, 2009 I understand the whole thing about rudeness, this guy probably has a soft heart right? Easily wounded? Be very careful because you personally (the epitome of his dreams lol) if you are reckless in being cutting and rude with your words can SERIOUSLY cause him DEEP emotional scars you will regret later. He may even get so angry that he might try to do something violent to you. So be careful. Offense is not the way to go.. it can be a tool for the Devil. Remember this verse, and ponder over it. Words have a powerful effect on people: Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life]. and yet, Christ, Himself, insulted the woman, calling her a dog, and it did not offend her, but showed everyone the strength of her faith in Christ, that even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from the Masters Table..... there are some people that will play the "woe is me, my broken heart" card to maintain control over a situation, by transferring guilt to the other party, maintaining they are the victim of the situation... CUT HIM OFF....... mike Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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