How does a Christian Find a spouse

[Isaiah 6:8]

I have seen a lot of questions come up about dating, breaking up, etc. over here in Worthy, so I figured I would state my thoughts on this and pray it helps. For those of you that do not know me that well I am also a youth leader in my church and have worked for years with youth and college age kids. I have seen and heard a lot. I am also married for 6 years, which I know is not a long time but then again I am not that old, but not that young either!

It is my personal belief that the dating game and culture has caused a lot of unneeded pain, suffering, strife, confusion and sinful physical relationships. I have seen many many, Christians, looking for a spouse do this and get hurt. Mainly the younger ones though I have seen older ones as well do this. I have seen a lot of confusion on what the difference between dating and courtship is. Well I am going to explain it in ways I have heard it and the way I see it.

First of all Dating.. I have heard a lot of people, Christians, say this is the only way to find a spouse. Sort of try before you buy relationship, and how do you know how to relate with the opposite sex, unless you date? I have seen a lot of people only date for "fun" and nothing else. I have been told it is marriage training. I have also seen more then a few of these relationships descend into sexual immorality, broken hearts and even life long enemy's. I am only talking about the Christians on this. Non Christian dating tends to be worse, living together, and setting marriage aside altogether, as if it was a bad thing and with a divorce rate of about 50% I do not necessarily blame them.

Courtship. Now there is a word that is not seen much outside of religious circles now days. To many people this conjures up images of formal wear and chaperons every where you go to keep an eye on you. This used to be the case! This seems to stiff and formal to work in modern times, and how will you ever get to know someone if someone is looking over your shoulder all day long? There are so many people that put similar restrictions on courtship and try to make you feel it is the gospel law. It often times, when taught or pushed makes one feel condemned for even thinking of dating or doing outside of that to find your spouse. Some even think that you need to wait until God brings you the one with writing on the wall and a audible voice from heaven confirming that this is His will. No wonder so many people are pushed away from this as an ideal. Not to mention the idea of gaining the parents permission to even start to seeking a relationship, yikes how scary is that?

So whats does a young single Christian desiring a mate do in todays world? Well at least in the westernized world, as there are still many arranged marriages going on around the world! Well here is my view I will start with dating.

In my opinion dating is a game. It is often called that and so I believe it is. I do not believe that it trains you in proper relationships with the opposite sex, I do not believe it is training for marriage and I do not believe that it is the only, or best way to find a spouse. I have listed a lot of the dangers already. I firmly believe that dating does not teach you how to marry, but it teach you how to divorce. As such I also believe it is a direct attack on the family. I know these are strong words. Here is why I say it. First reason, at the turn of the century the divorce rate was only 10% I have heard of many reasons for this, and the change that has happened to cause this. I have my own opinion on this, and it is just that. I have been unable to find much hard evidence per say but I did noticed a trend. In the 1900's mostly during the first 15 years, you did not have dating like we have it now. You did not seek a romantic relationship with the opposite sex, unless you were ready to get married. As time went on, more and more people started dating or going out, not to find a spouse but to have some fun, or a fling. The age of starting romantic relationships has dropped while the marriage age has risen. Also on the rise, teen pregnancy, S.T.D.'S, Single parent homes etc. I do not think that this all has to do with dating but I believe that it has not helped. You see dating teaches you that you can be in a relationship, and when things get rocky, you can just break up. Yes it hurts, but there are always other fish in the sea, etc. So you date, break up, date break up, date break up, get married, break up, but then you may have kids, and certainly money tied up in the deal.

As for teaching you how to relate to the opposite sex? I don't think so. I know many people that cannot have any level of friendship with the opposite sex, due to dating. The only relationship they have ever had, outside of childhood with the opposite sex has mainly been romantically driven. I have had people say, well its the only way to get to know the person. Again here I think the evidence speaks for itself. People in a dating situation, at least at first have their best foot forward. How many people will spend an hour getting ready, every hair perfect, teeth brushed and best attitude just before a date? This is not the real every day person, just the mask the person wants you to see. I have seen people marry the mask, and when the real person shows up behind it, thats it, its over I cannot believe I married this person, look a what they look like with out makeup, wow this is what its like when they are sick and throwing up, no good, good bye.

Also even one of the most um, descriptive books on relationship in the Bible, "Song of Solomon, or Song of Songs" says I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, By the gazelles or by the does of the field, Do not stir up nor awaken love Until it pleases." twice and once more for effect with out the mentioning of the gazelles. It seems to me a warning about jumping into a relationship with out being ready. Also this speaks into part of the design of marriage. God created marriage for a few things, one is clearly to produce children. So when you enter a relationship and awaken feelings, and desires, the drive to head towards reproduction is strong. Its there because God put it in us. We all know it, thats why the progression of hand holding, to hugging, to kissing, to necking and further. Its built in. We are made for relationship, and the ideal of that relationship is marriage. This is another reason that dating is dangerous, especially to a Christian. Not to mention the emotional bonds that are formed that can haunt a marriage years after the fact, even if you were not physically involved. I have had quite a more then a few fights with my wife on such issues, and even with a girl that I never dated, but I gave my heart to her with her unknowing about it.

So After this, is there a better alternative? Does God have a higher standard? If so, what is it? Is it courtship with all the rules and regulations? Is it him speaking audibly to me? What is it?

First off the "easy" one. I do not believe that God only has one perfect person, and we had better pray that we find that "chosen one" now if you are a staunch Calvinist, you will disagree but we will not go there. There is only one time in the Bible where God commanded someone to be married. That was Hosea, and he was told to marry an adulterous prostitute who refused to give up her prostitution, and this was as a sign to the people who were doing the same to the Lord. Now if you really want to wait for God to command you who to marry, you may not be happy with the result. The other times when God intervened in relationships, it was only because he was asked by people seeking him in faith. To note not one of them dated, they went from, wow we just met to married almost overnight. I believe we have a choice in the matter. Like all choices this could be a good or a bad choice.

Courtship, well that is quite a difficult one. What is it, how do you do it, and if there are rules, what are they? Well to some there are rules. Like seeking the parents permission first, and having chaperons. I tend to disagree with the formality's. Yes its good to have the parents blessing. If they are Godly it helps, as they may have some wisdom to impart as well. I personally did this as a sign of respect with the handful of girls I had wanted to court. I do not think its a requirement but it does help keep things smoother! In my eyes, you can court, very much like you would date. You hang out together, do things together etc, but the big difference is this. You do not do it until you feel you are ready to be married. I do not think you should start relationships with no intention of marriage. In my mind this means you are simply dating someone else's spouse for the sheer fun of it. You also should have some accountability with someone you trust, your pastor, your parents, your accountability partner etc. I would also avoid spending time alone together in remote places where there is no one else around, this can lead to compromising situations. Of course keep the Lord at the head of the relationship, and spend time in prayer about it. Remember courtship from anyones point of view is a journey to marriage, so keep this as a clear goal. Not that this always works, but you can limit your heartache with this, also having the accountability in place helps. It sure helped me on my journey.

As for my story, In a nutshell. I never dated. I learned how to treat girls from my friends that were girls, and took mental notes. I was able to have good friendships with girls that did not cross any boundaries. I did start a relationship, with out fully bouncing it off my accountability, and not heeding the warnings of others that I was accountable with, and I was serious about marriage, I told her that on my first "Date" ever. She how ever was playing the game and broke it off with me a week later and broke my heart. God had before then showed me, (not that I listened all that well) that I had put the idea of a relationship, over him and it had become the idol in my life. A few months later, I was talking with a friend of mine that I had known for a few years, and realized that she was interested in me, and I her. This time we talked about things before we even started any form of further relationship, and spent a few months out of contact praying about it. When then started the relationship in September, we were engaged in December, and married the following October.I was not playing games I was serious. We have been married for 6 years now! I am her first and only boyfriend, We are each others first kiss. I don't think that it was a God spoke thing but she is truly a Proverbs 31 women, and I have been blessed.

So in a very large nutshell those are my thoughts! Your thoughts all.

-Isaiah-

[EricH]

I would say focus on God and serving Him and allow HIm to bring along a spouse to join you in that

[AnotherTraveler]

Your story is fine, but it does not address the hundreds of thousands of meer mortals that were not perfect. You condemn dating, yet you dated, according to your story. I like a conservative approach, however, the method is not the problem, the problem is the grace to stand and the weakness of humans. The problem is sin.

Many a brand new believer has already had a first kiss and dated, and more. Trusting in the Word of God, seaking Him, and obeying Him are the correct procedures to success in any area, He will direct you.

[wyguy]

For those just looking to get to know someone better before going out, try Christian dating sites.

Here is a good one: http://www.christiandatingforfree.com/

[Deepblue]

So your advice is to let someone know you're into marrying them or nothing else when you go out on your first...um...date? I don't see anything wrong with being friends and hanging out. It doesn't have to contain physical touching, groping, etc. Am I to just walk up to a girl and say "Hi, you're a believer, I want to get married, you up for it?"

Sorry if I am misunderstanding you. The little scenario above was a bit of an exaggeration on my part. But I still don't think you answered the question in your thread, "How does a Christian Find a Spouse?" Is it maybe that, just like our testimonies of coming to God, that our finding our significant other is also a unique experience?

[Isaiah 6:8]

Your story is fine, but it does not address the hundreds of thousands of meer mortals that were not perfect. You condemn dating, yet you dated, according to your story. I like a conservative approach, however, the method is not the problem, the problem is the grace to stand and the weakness of humans. The problem is sin.

Many a brand new believer has already had a first kiss and dated, and more. Trusting in the Word of God, seaking Him, and obeying Him are the correct procedures to success in any area, He will direct you.

First of all I am pointing to the higher standard that is available to use, and many, many people have used it that I know, including one of my mentors, who took this approach after he was saved, that at 19 years old, and had plenty of relationships before that point. I am not pointing to perfection here. If you noticed I used the word "Ideal". This is not perfection. I disagree it does address the

hundreds of thousands of mere mortals

as you put it. The things I have stated are not impossible to do. For in Philippians 4:3 it states " I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me." Also from what I

Please read my story again, I know I said a lot but with that reply I know that you misunderstood something, or missed something. I started a relationship, with the goal of marriage. I stated this on the first day we talked about the relationship and I kept that in the for front of the relationship. I was not playing a game I was seeking a spouse. By the definition that I provided, that is not "Dating". We went out on a "date" is not "Dating" I still take my wife on "dates" all the time. I may have not made that perfectly clear.

It is not simply a sin issue either.

the method is not the problem,the problem is the grace to stand and the weakness of humans. The problem is sin

I honestly feel this to almost be a cop out. Every thing we do thats sinful is a problem with sin. This does not preclude wisdom in our approach. You may have a drinking problem, that is a sin issue, but that does not make it okay to hang out in bars! Dating, as a game, is not a good idea, and like I said if you are doing it for purely selfish reasons, that is sinful. So my approach is this. When you are ready to look for a spouse, do so in the way that you see fit, but with the plan being marriage. If you read my post I only put the suggestions of having accountability in place, to well keep you accountable so you don't do something you will regret later.

I hope this clarifies things.

-Isaiah-

[Believer1997]

I honestly do not know how one would get to know another person unless you sit and talk with them and go out to dinner and to events you find you enjoy - church, sporting events, etc. Find out what they like to read, how they feel about issues that are important to you - find out what is important to them... This doesn't mean an illicit affair or one that is not pleasing to God. If you find out enough about people - you become comfortable with them and at some point, perhaps you find you love them ... or not. My husband and I talked for hours - and we are both fairly quiet. We met each other's families - I observed his interaction with his family and how they treated each other with respect and so much love. He observed my family (and married me anyway - LOL) no, really - he adored my Mom and she thought the world of him. I knew he was the 'right one' when I found that my children (who were about 13 & 18 at the time) loved to be around him and were crazy about my husband's parents. I knew when this man prayed with me and for me that he was sincere and kind and loved the Lord. I'm blessed.

[Isaiah 6:8]

So your advice is to let someone know you're into marrying them or nothing else when you go out on your first...um...date? I don't see anything wrong with being friends and hanging out. It doesn't have to contain physical touching, groping, etc. Am I to just walk up to a girl and say "Hi, you're a believer, I want to get married, you up for it?"

Sorry if I am misunderstanding you. The little scenario above was a bit of an exaggeration on my part. But I still don't think you answered the question in your thread, "How does a Christian Find a Spouse?" Is it maybe that, just like our testimonies of coming to God, that our finding our significant other is also a unique experience?

Although I have seen this approach before and it worked. Yes thats nuts. I am saying this. Hang out, be friends and get to know each other as simply that. It was late last night and I sort of kept my topic short, I was a bit blunt as I want people to think. What are your motivations? Are they loving or selfish? If you feel like your ready for marriage pray about it, and then start a relationship with a goal that marriage is the end goal. Not that your going to say "Lets get married" but hey if we start a relationship I am not looking for a date, but a spouse. You may or not be the one but this is my heart. Thats pretty much how I said it both times. The first girl I courted, (notice its the intent) I told this, she was fine until she realized she wanted a date, not a spouse. She then dropped me like a hot potato. The next one is my wife.

Again I am speaking of an Ideal. Not everyone can obtain an ideal but they are good to go for. The ideal is that we do not sin at all. The ideal is a perfect walk with God. We are never going to obtain this on earth but yet we work towards this. I apologize if people feel that I was trying to lay condemnation on them. My intent was to show that there may be a better way.

And friendship is definitely the way to go. Hang out be good friends, no pressure. Also hang out in groups, makes it less weird and you get to know them.

-Isaiah-

Edited February 2, 2010 by Isaiah 6:8

[artsylady]

And friendship is definitely the way to go. Hang out be good friends, no pressure. Also hang out in groups, makes it less weird and you get to know them.

Great advice to young people reading this.

[humbleseeker]

I think that when findnig a woman or man as a Christian, we want to find someone of our same beliefs, but it is a tuff road we have emotions and feelings and when we do not find a Christian woman or man, we can be easily led astray. I ofcourse I am speaking from my own personal experience. I have been blessed to have found a good Christian woman, although I know it is not easy. escpecially in a world that focuses on getting a education and good job. I say this because men and woman dont think about marriage alot of times. Sex is easily justified outside of marriage if not just for our own human nature. I dont know about young people anymore but as an adult it is extremely hard to stay sex free before marriage. I guess you need to be a strong person and hope to find someone of your own same convictions.