do you ever wonder where God was?

[Guest Kandi]

Love your words adstar

It is so good to be with people who believe as I do. I have prayed for this although I wasn't really aware that I was praying for it. I loved the other forum, but as a Christian, I was hurting there. This place is heaven and I am sure all of you are angels God has brought to me (or me to). I have never in my life felt so at home. Thank you :hug:

God is Love, Love is God, Love is everything :dove

[wondering04]

Dear Tess, thank you for your honesty and sharing what you did. Those verses you shared helped. I especially appreciated your sharing how the verses impacted you. Sometimes a list of verses can be daunting. Some days are better than others. I try hard to sort these things out. Yes Adstar there are "I's" in my thinking.

Kandi I am glad you found a place where you feel at home and find a sense of affirmation. Sometimes it seems to make our trials less lonely.

I sometimes wonder if, when you are wounded in the area of trust and love at a very early age, if maybe you are damaged so much that you will never be repaired.

Even though I seem so far off the mark from some your your point of views, you have no idea how far I have come. I am still rather new to Christ. It is hard to trust completely for me. As a kid I prayed three prayers to God, one was that he would make my father love me and stop the abuse. (God did not answer that one and I am puzzled by the lack of response), the other two I am sort of glad he didn't answer, that was that he kill my father (glad God didn't do that because I think that would have increased guilt), and that God kill me (mixed feelings on the lack of answer to that one, I know that if God had killed me then I would not be saved now, and yet it is hard to sometimes want to hold onto life).

In order to survive what I went through I had two methods, a way out (I carried around a bit of draino, so I could poison myseslf and have an escape) and I pulled so far inside of myself that parts of me were not able to be touched by the abuse, and I don't even know where those tender parts are anymore.

My mom knew what was going on and did nothing. She kept notebooks about what he was doing. I felt so alone with this stuff. I know that you say Christ was there with me, and maybe He was, but I sure did not perceive His presence. If he was unable to change things, why did He not even let me know He was there?

I explored so many new age and occult beliefs, because I rebelled so strongly against God. Did God want that rebellion. A bit of tangible love would have made such a difference in my life, and the lack of love from God just added to the hurt. The mother-god religions did not work because, besides being false, I sure couldn't relate to a mother-god any more than I still can relate to a father God.

It is hard to separate earthly fathers from God for me.

My desire is to get to know this God that you all seem to have such a great relationship with.

Heather

[Kabowd]

Hey Heather, I'd encourage you to check out this topic. There's some really good thoughts in there. Also, for me personally, I am still working through alot of issues. My relationship with God is growing...but I still struggle with feelings of insecurity, fear and loneliness too. Sometimes God doesn't deliver us from our trials, but rather delivers us through them.

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you and people in exchange for your life." Isaiah 43:2-4

Notice how these verses don't say "if you pass through waters" or "if you walk through fire", but when. His promise to us is that He won't let them completely destroy us, that He will be with us. I know it's hard to grasp, especially when we've walked through times of extreme pain. But we have to believe what He says...that we are precious and honored in His sight and He loves us. Sometimes when God doesn't do what we expect Him to, when He disappoints us, we begin to doubt His love and maybe even doubt He exists. This is when you have to cling to the truth more than any other time. When our feelings tell us lies, all we can cling to is what He's promised. I know it's hard to find something good in what you went through. And perhaps the only thing you have to be thankful for is that you survived. If nothing else, thank Him for that until you can see new things to thank Him for.

I may sound like I have it all together right now, but trust me...I struggle BIG TIME with these issues. Almost daily I find myself rebelling against someone who genuinely loves me or rejecting their love somehow. It's hard. I have to force myself to press on and press through. I have another verse I wanted to encourage you with.

"Sing, O Daughter of Zion; shout aloud, O Israel! Be glad and rejoice with all your heart, O Daughter of Jerusalem! The Lord has taken away your punishment, He has turned back your enemy. The Lord, the King of Israel, is with you; never again will you fear any harm. On that day they will say to Jerusalem, "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:14-17

When the enemy comes against you with painful memories or fear, remember this verse. Realize that the Lord takes great delight in you, He is singing over you with His love. I know I've said alot in here, but I wanted to add just one more thing. Along the lines of this verse, a year or so ago I wrote this song that sort of expressed what I was feeling and I wanted to share it with you:

Sing Her A Song

Her deep brown eyes fill up with tears

So much pain in such short years

Her heart, it breaks beneath her fears

Someone sing her a song

She smiles, but she'd rather cry instead

So many lies running through her head

All her hopes and dreams are dead

Someone sing her a song

(chorus)

Sing her a song, bring her a smile

Show her your love, hold her awhile

Tell her the pain, won't last too long

Show her your love, sing her a song

She runs, she tries to hide her pain

Her tears, they leave her cheeks so stained

They fall down like pouring rain

Someone sing her a song

She needs to know she'll make it through

She needs to see a better view

She needs to feel a love thats true

Someone sing her a song

(repeat chorus)

Sing her a song, bring her a smile

Show her your love, hold her awhile

Tell her the pain, won't last too long

Show her your love, sing her a song

She'll make it through, she can be strong

If someone will sing her a song.....

Heather, that is what I'm praying for you..and the cool thing is I know that God has promised to sing you a song. Open your heart and you'll hear.

~Tess

[Guest Kandi]

wondering

I sometimes wonder if, when you are wounded in the area of trust and love at a very early age, if maybe you are damaged so much that you will never be repaired.

IMHO there is no limit with God. No matter how young, no matter how bad, gross, no matter how long, God can heal anyone who comes to Him. It worked for me, it can work for anyone. Implicit trust and belief in God are necessary.

:dove

[Matthitjah]

Tess,

You encourage me little sister. You are bold and Loving.

I wanted to quote something you said;

Isaiah 61: 1-2..I don't have time to post the whole thing, so I'll post my favorite part:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair."

This tells me that one of Christ's purposes in coming was to comfort me, to take all the horrible things I've gone through and make something beautiful out of them.

Just for the purposes of this thread.

Not only is Isaiah talking about Christ here. He is talking about us as well abiding in Christ. When we take our anointing and serve the Lord? His Glory shows thru. :il: That is the balm in Gilead. That is the Lord's healing. For when you take your hands and His anointing serving His purposes with them. You are healed of your grief and maladies yourself.

Isa

[Kabowd]

That was beautiful, thank you so much!

[Guest crae]

Wondering,

I understand your pain because as a child, I experienced abuse, but I was on the outside looking in. Three of my four sisters experienced abuse right in front of me, but the abuser never laid a hand on me. I was racked with guilt because I did not know what I did so right that my sisters did so wrong. It felt like the ultimate punishment because I could not prevent the abuse that was happening, but if hurt so bad to see my sisters suffer. I have had struggles with feeling worthy because I did not feel that I had anything good to offer, but God made me worthy when he sent His son Jesus Christ to die for me and I do not have to do a thing to a part of His kingdom except for accepting Him into my heart as my Lord and Savior. I do not deserve any of the blessings he bestows on me, but I am thankful for the life I get to live here on earth so he can work through me to build his kingdom. I spent so much time questioning God's motives in my life, but letting go of the frustration, control, and doubt is the first step towards letting him use you for His purpose. We are not intended to know why God allows certain things to happen, but we will all rejoice together in heaven where all of our questions will be answered. I can feel your hurt and I know there will be more hurt in your life and in mine, but God is the true source of comfort and understanding. I am praying for you and am looking forward to the day when we will all be in the arms of Jesus.

God Bless,

crae

[wondering04]

Dear Tess,

Thanks so much for your support. I guess it is a process and I tend to be rather perfectionistic and want the perfection now. Thanks so much for your song, the lyrics are awesome and so true. So often we tend to hide our tears from others. I too hope there is a better view, and in some ways there are. At least now I have Christ and my Bible, that helps lots. The 23rd Psalm also talks about going through the valley of the shadow of death (not reality of death, but a shadow). I know I do not want to camp in these dark areas forever, but have to move on.

My pastor was once talking about people who haven't had difficulty in areas, who don't understand the challenges that people with the difficulty face. He said that often spiritual growth is in spurts, and much foundation is laid down, then the spiritual growth comes. Once a person has advanced to a new point, then they kind of expect others to follow immediately to where they are, forgetting that it took a long time to get to the point of breakthrough. I asked my pastor why my spiritual growth seemed to be grain of sand by grain of sand, and he told me that it will help me to be more tolerant when I help others through their difficulties, and also that it will make a solid foundation. He said that sometimes when a person advances very quickly to a position they do not have the solid foundation, and sometimes they do have the solid foundation. But he feels that I am progressing which is good because sometimes I feel like I am barely treading water.

After my kids go to bed I will check out the link you gave me in your note, I just wanted to touch base before dinner.

Kandi, you are right there is no limit on God, the problem though is me, sigh.

Dr. Luke, I like those passages in Isaiah, as well as the passage that says God will make beauty from ashes. I use those in my prayers.

Oh Crae, how hard that must have been for you. You are right, sometimes it is easier to be on the receiving end of abuse than to watch someone receive abuse. Most probably there was nothing you could have done that would not have endangered you or your sisters. I think it is awesome that you have come to God and seek to do Christ's good works. You probably have a heart for the oppressed and hurting, and have the experience to reach out to really help others.

My great joy is that I broke the cycle of abuse and have three children who know they are loved (except when I make them do their chores and homework or housework), and are happy. I have managed to marry a man who is godly and a great father, and I did not perpetuate the cycle of abuse. In that I am blessed.

My pastor wonders how I escaped so much of the evil that had been done to me and managed to come to Christ even though satan had his hand powerfully on me. Perhaps that is where God was, but the little girl in me still longs to find some sense of God when I was a child. And I think that somehow there is still a little child inside of me that needs comforting from God, that hasn't happened yet, but then again sometimes I think I am sort of spiritually autistic.

Heather

[Adstar]

Sing Her A Song

Her deep brown eyes fill up with tears

So much pain in such short years

Her heart, it breaks beneath her fears

Someone sing her a song

She smiles, but she'd rather cry instead

So many lies running through her head

All her hopes and dreams are dead

Someone sing her a song

(chorus)

Sing her a song, bring her a smile

Show her your love, hold her awhile

Tell her the pain, won't last too long

Show her your love, sing her a song

She runs, she tries to hide her pain

Her tears, they leave her cheeks so stained

They fall down like pouring rain

Someone sing her a song

She needs to know she'll make it through

She needs to see a better view

She needs to feel a love thats true

Someone sing her a song

(repeat chorus)

Sing her a song, bring her a smile

Show her your love, hold her awhile

Tell her the pain, won't last too long

Show her your love, sing her a song

She'll make it through, she can be strong

If someone will sing her a song.....

What a beautiful poem :sweating:

All Praise The Ancient of Days

[Guest Liv4Him2]

I offer this prayer to all who are hurting:

Eternal God,

in whom mercy is endless

and the treasury of compassion

- inexhaustible,

look kindly upon us

and increase Your mercy in us,

that in difficult moments

we might not despair

nor become despondent,

but with great confidence

submit ourselves to Your holy will,

which is Love and Mercy itself.

Amen.