Dealing with a sister who is having an affair.

[prodigal2013]

This has been affecting my family for nearly two years now. My sister ( not just my sister-in-Christ ) began an affair. No one knew, though there were signs. About one year ago, she told her husband of twenty years and moved herself and one of her children in with this other man. She refused to discuss it with any of us ( my parents or siblings ). Her husband tried to reconcile. She would come home for a night or two and then leave again. This went on for most of the last year. They have both confessed salvation.

 

The current situation: they are not divorced. She continues to live with this other man. She will speak about it a little bit, but it's still not really up for discussion. She says she knows that what she did was wrong, but she does not want to reconcile with her husband and plans to stay with this other man. She considers this man and his daughter as part of her family unit. She says that she knows God forgives and loves her anyway. It's true that God forgives, but I haven't seen her repentant. Of course, I don't know what is going on in her heart.

 

Her husband is also going down the wrong path. He started dating a woman and is sleeping with her. Neither of them seem to be interested in signing divorce papers, but neither of them want to reconcile at this point.

 

My sister wants everyone to accept the situation and stop talking about it. She said she feels judged. She wants the new man in her life to be accepted. It looks like they will eventually get married.

 

My mother feels that once a divorce happens, she will then meet with this other man and accept him as the person in my sister's life. She will not do it until then.

 

My father feels that he will never accept this man and has no interest in meeting him. He also questions my sister's salvation. He does not stop point out the wrongness of the situation. As a result, my sister avoids him and will not answer his phone calls.

 

My sister and I were always so close, and I have been angry for a long time. I was angry about the deception on her part, and I was hurt that she never came to me and confided in me. I was angry that she refused to discuss any aspect of it, making it the elephant in the room. I have gotten better with my anger for those things. She is making more of an effort to connect with me, though it's still uncomfortable because she has started bashing her husband for his behavior. I still have anger because my niece and nephew are very dear to me, and I have been watching them hurt. I have prayed about this. I just don't know what to do. She'll talk positively about this new man, and I just stay silent. I know that she will draw away from me if I say anything she doesn't want to hear.

 

Let's say that within the next couple of years, she divorces and marries this man. What am I supposed to do then? How do I love her? How do I accept her new husband? Am I even supposed to?

 

The world would tell me that this situation is none of my business. That if I want to love my sister and have her in my life, I must accept her choices. I have sin in my own life that makes me no better than her, so I also don't want to be a hypocrite.

[ncn]

Praying for your situation , for all involved. 

[other one]

Your sister may well have reasons for not discussing the situation.  in reality it's between her and her husband and God.

love doesn't happen in a vacuum....  you either love your sister or you don't....  frankly within my groups if there are conditions attached there really is no love....  thank the Lord He didn't treat you that way.

 

 

as for your sister you surely don't have to ok what she's doing and probobly should tell her so in a loving way........  but if you can't love her anyway, then you really never loved her at all.

 

I'll be praying for God to work it all out.

 

 

btw i like your avatar.    looks like my favorite cat who died and broke my heart three years ago.

[GoldenEagle]

This has been affecting my family for nearly two years now. My sister ( not just my sister-in-Christ ) began an affair. No one knew, though there were signs. About one year ago, she told her husband of twenty years and moved herself and one of her children in with this other man. She refused to discuss it with any of us ( my parents or siblings ). Her husband tried to reconcile. She would come home for a night or two and then leave again. This went on for most of the last year. They have both confessed salvation.

...

Let's say that within the next couple of years, she divorces and marries this man. What am I supposed to do then? How do I love her? How do I accept her new husband? Am I even supposed to?

 

The world would tell me that this situation is none of my business. That if I want to love my sister and have her in my life, I must accept her choices. I have sin in my own life that makes me no better than her, so I also don't want to be a hypocrite.

 

Here’s one thing I’ve thought about and been learning about lately: I’m only responsible for my thoughts, actions, and sin. I cannot be responsible for other people’s thoughts, actions, and sin.

2 Cor. 5:10

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil.

What are you supposed to do? How do you love her?

One day at a time. Love her where she’s at right now not where she will be in the future or where she was at in your childhood. Those moments have either not happened yet or are in the past. Neither of which you have control over.

All you can control is your attitude. My father always said that 90% of what happens to us has to do with our attitude. The other 10% is the even or situation itself.

Love God and love people. Even and in particular when they don’t deserve it show them mercy and grace.

Pray for all involved and ask God’s Holy Spirit to work in their lives. Leave the results up to God.

I don’t think you have to feel happy that your sister or brother-in-law is living in sin.

Are your parents Christians as well?

Praying for you and your family during this hard time. Remember, God is still in control. God will not love you, your sister, your brother-in-law, or the rest of your family less because of these choices. Check out 1 Cor. 13.

God bless,

GE

[prodigal2013]

I don't mean "how do I love" in the sense that I don't love her. I'm confused about the proper way to show that love. Am I supposed to meet this man she is living with at her request? The holidays are coming around. Is he supposed to be invited and welcomed with open arms? What is the proper response to that knowing that she is married to someone else? Yes, my parents are Christians.

 

If I meet this man and shake his hand and invite him into my home, am I condoning what is going on?

Edited October 30, 2013 by prodigal2013

[prodigal2013]

I know my anger is something that needs to be let go of, and I have been working on that and praying about that. It's difficult because I take care of her children 3 days per week, so I feel especially involved in the situation because of the kids.

[WIP]

Prodigal  I'm sorry that your sister has chosen to go down the wide road..you say she is saved yet she continues in sexual immorality. If she is saved ..what has her church done about this? If she does not repent the church should put her out because that is what scripture tells us to do. As a believer you ought not to be associating with her..you say you have spoken to her about her taking the wrong road... then you have done what The Lord requires of you. Continue to pray for her and her husband.

If you agree to meet her boyfriend you will most certainly be condoning this partnership. This sounds a difficult thing to do and it is but this is the way that The Lord instructs us to follow, I know personally just how hard it is as presently I find myself in the same situation with a family member. I have prayed and fasted and cried for this person whom I love dearly and now I must have faith that The Lord will do a work in her life through the Holy Spirit and see her repent and return to her first love..The Lord Jesus...and make Him the priority in her life.
1 Cor 5:11   "I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. 'Expel the wicked man from among you.'"
Therefore don't associate with sexual deviants who call themselves "Christian". They need to either change their behavior or stop calling themselves "Christians", else the Biblical mandate compels the rest of us to disassociate with them.

The way to show her love is for you to obey and do things The Lord's way.....because that's the best way for all concerned.

I will hold you and your family in prayer my sis
 

[GoldenEagle]

I don't mean "how do I love" in the sense that I don't love her. I'm confused about the proper way to show that love. Am I supposed to meet this man she is living with at her request? The holidays are coming around. Is he supposed to be invited and welcomed with open arms? What is the proper response to that knowing that she is married to someone else? Yes, my parents are Christians.

 

If I meet this man and shake his hand and invite him into my home, am I condoning what is going on?

 

Ah I see what you mean. Some thoughts to consider...

Will meeting or not meeting this man change your relationship (for better or for worst) with her?

Will inviting him into your home change how your sister feels about him?

Praying.

[GoldenEagle]

I know my anger is something that needs to be let go of, and I have been working on that and praying about that. It's difficult because I take care of her children 3 days per week, so I feel especially involved in the situation because of the kids.

Ah yes so you see how the children are affected... So sorry.

[other one]

I know my anger is something that needs to be let go of, and I have been working on that and praying about that. It's difficult because I take care of her children 3 days per week, so I feel especially involved in the situation because of the kids.

be open and honest with your sister.....