This job is eating me alive!

[amilya213]

...and its a good job. I'm a teacher. I started with all the "Christian intentions" one might guess. - but now it's literally killing me, sucking the life out of me. I'm just not sure if it is actually the job or if it's me. 

 

I just finalized an amicable but tearing, emotionally bruising, heart sickening divorce. He was cheating, I forgave, he didn't want my forgiveness. As a result I have grown so much and God has truly turned it all into a blessing. On the other end though the whole thing has damaged me, broken me and unearthed some of my own issues and short comings that need to be addressed. Thus creates a vicious cycle... 

 

I'm a perfectionist, nothing is ever good enough, I don't want to be like this any more. I know all the things there is to know... I could never actually be perfect, God loves me the way I am, all that matters is how God sees me and he sees me through Christs righteousness and washed clean and pure in His blood - the problem is - I can't see it or I guess really truly believe and adopt it as truth in my heart. I know its true!! I believe it!! Really, really I do! ...but... I don't. Or at least my actions and my thoughts don't line up with it. 

 

Next, I have no self-control. In grade school I would always get an "Needs Improvement" in this area. It still lurks. I don't know what my problem is - and I know this is a fruit of the Spirit but (a) how do I tap into it or allow it to come forth and (b) don't have I also have some responsibility to do what needs to be done? To add though... I think sometimes my perfectionism creates more "needs" or "to dos" than are actually necessary. Then when I don't complete them all, I simply drop the ball on the whole endeavor of being diligent. This could be a root yet its not the only one. I can start a brand new day, trying to get up in the morning for devotional and I just hit the snooze. Now I know this is something many struggle with yet I don't want to be one of the "many." I want to be one of the few... that can get up in the morning.  I've tired and tried and I just can't do it. I've even resorted to setting my alarm to 4:30am, taking a caffeine pill, and falling back to sleep. A half hour later my body is so hyped up I can't sleep. It's actually really great! I'd get up and read the bible for 1 -2 hours, go for a run, cook a little. Loved it! The problem now is (a) I know that's not healthy and more importantly (b) it's not working as well anymore because my body is becoming tolerant to the dosage. 

 

Another thing... if you couldn't already tell - I am very hard on myself. All day long I self-condemn and I have tired so many things - and yes "I know" that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus but try telling my brain that! So the fact is that I don't want to teach any more. I just don't really like it and I can't bring myself to do it every day. I do teach them, minimally, I don't plan extravagant lesson plans like I once did when I first entered the profession (in my defense part of that is due to my learning boundaries and that staying up until 3am cutting soda cans for a bulletin board project is not healthy either). I just teach and then give them some group work and sit at my desk. The lady that teaches with me, who I've talked to about all of this, tells me she understands and that yes I could be doing more but that I am really not doing as bad as I tell myself. I also get really good evaluations from my administrators. But...I just don't buy it. And I make myself miserable about it... For 2 years I've been doing this to myself. I have finally made the decision to actually quit at the end of this year but in the process I feel like I am disappointing God. I've dedicated this to prayer many times in the morning, read teacher related devotionals, drove to work ready and raring to make a difference and to force myself to be a good steward of my gifts and to work with where God has put me and then I'll maybe do good for first period and then my next three classes decline as time goes by. A part of me feels like God is saying that after all I have been through I need to feed me and that this is not a time that I could pour out onto others... and teaching is such a "pour out" kind of job. The thing is, I am also getting my masters in counseling and when I go to my internship, I am pouring out there too, but I can actually do it. I am still dragging a bit because of all the other stuff that is going on but its not as heavy a weight as teaching is. I just don't know what to do. 

[alien224]

Praying. Have you tried therapy? There are great counselors ( Christian ) and while only God has all the answere to your questions and struggles these people are trained to help you through these issues. A lot of us have been where you are. It is a very dark and lonely place. God loves you. Cast your cares upon him and seek therapy if He so leads you in that direction.

Doing the same ole thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. I think we we all tend to do this. God bless you and much love in Christ.

[amilya213]

Thank you alien! I am seeing a Christian counselor. Just switched to a new one (saw someone for two years) and I am going to see her for the second time today. Hope she'll be able to help me on this. 

[Alejandro84]

Hi amilya, what I picked up on as being the most important thing to me in what you post was when you said: "All day long I self-condemn and I have tired so many things - and yes "I know" that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus but try telling my brain that! "

You have the answer but you don't even know it! For you even to say that you know the scripture verse that says that but still feel condemned by your thoughts, your answer is to remember the scriptures in those moments. You know that the Word of God is truth itself, So whatever your thoughts are, they have to be weighed upon what the Word of God says. In the Word it says to bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5) so every time a thought of condemnation comes you remember and say that it is Christ who was condemned, made a curse for thee, So that he can set you free and give you life of liberty! The more the living word of God becomes real to you the more you'll have as a protecting shield to ward of the arrows of doubt and condemnation in your mind.

I pray the Lord give you rest and assurance to know that you who he set free is free indeed. He has given you the victory that when trials and doubt come you may overcome them by the faith and hope in which Christ has poured in your heart. You're no longer in chains and without out battle armor to be beaten and bruised by the enemy, but now you have truth down in your loins to combat the lie of the world and your thoughts, breastplate of righteousness in that your heart has been made new and is now protected by the righteousness of Christ, a shod for your feet with the gospel of peace meaning you have sure steps of hope , in which yourself is encouraged and can share with others the hope that they may believe and be set free, no longer tripping over walking in darkness, next the shield of Faith in which your guarded from the not walking by sight in a world of despair and fabrications, helmet of salvation (youre going to like this one) this is the peace of mind, the blessed assurance that It is Christ who saves to the uttermost and is able to keep you nad preserve you, and give you the victory no matter what doubt the enemy tries to sow, and the sword of the spirit , that one the enemy tries to strike a blow with a dull kitchen butter knife you can strike back with the Word of God which is a double edged sword! For you are triumphant in Christ! Believe that my sister

[amilya213]

Amen! It was Christ who was condemned for me - for my sinful ways. Why continue the condemnation? The Lord is doing a work in me. No more condemnation. Helmet of salvation!! Thank you Alejandro - this was a great inspiration. Prayerfully - I will harness it tomorrow as well. 

[Guest]

Praying~!

[Fez]

There is a DVD widely availible if you go to a Christian Bookstore called "Dead pastor running". I know you are not a pastor, but get it, watch it! It explains your situation perfectly, and tells you what to do about it. (At the same time it is very funny, he is an amazing teacher). 

[Guest]

There is a DVD widely availible if you go to a Christian Bookstore called "Dead pastor running". I know you are not a pastor, but get it, watch it! It explains your situation perfectly, and tells you what to do about it. (At the same time it is very funny, he is an amazing teacher). 

 

Um . . . I tried Google and a few other things, but am comming up empty. Have you got a link by any chance?

[Guest]

Thank you alien! I am seeing a Christian counselor. Just switched to a new one (saw someone for two years) and I am going to see her for the second time today. Hope she'll be able to help me on this. 

 

~

 

There is a DVD widely availible if you go to a Christian Bookstore called "Dead pastor running". I know you are not a pastor, but get it, watch it! It explains your situation perfectly, and tells you what to do about it. (At the same time it is very funny, he is an amazing teacher). 

 

Um . . . I tried Google and a few other things, but am comming up empty. Have you got a link by any chance?

 

 

YouTube Posted On Worthy

 

 

And The DVD For Sale

 

http://willowcreek.com/ProdInfo.asp?invtid=PR29399

 

And Rejoice In The LORD And Have Fun~!

 

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! Psalms 131:1

[another_poster]

Hi Amilya,

Sorry that things have been tough. First I'm going to mention what I have gone through. Not for pity or take attention away from you but hopefully it can show there is hope when things seem beyond help. After that I will mention some of the things that I found useful and hopefully you may find useful. If you don't want to read what I have been through then skip the next paragraph. It is kinda heavy.

 

 

 

So in the space of six weeks my marriage ended, a cousin was killed in a car accident, I was told I would never be able to run again, A friend passed away from cancer and I lost my job. I basically spent most of the day in bed only finally getting up to take my son to school, then to pick him up and then to get dinner for him. Most meals for three weeks were from mcdonalds which was 1 minute walk from home because I couldn't function well enough to actually cook. 

 

 

 

I finally got help. One of those forms was counselling at first with a psychologist then later a counsellor after I moved interstate to be near family. It is great that your going to counselling and hopefully this new counsellor works out well for you. One thing that can happen when people go to counselling is that they think the counsellor will give them the magic solution. Truth is counselling requires effort on the part of the one receiving counselling. They often have solutions but just don't know it and a counsellor will bring that solution out. Sometimes some suggestions are needed. So if not already please put in the effort and be honest. There is nothing that a counsellor hasn't heard before.

One problem I had is that at night my mind would race through all the possibilities of things I could have done or said hoping for a different outcome. As a result I was hardly sleeping. What was suggested was when those thoughts came then I would say out loud "Now is not the time for these thoughts" as a declaration. It generally did the trick.  

 

Of course having friends I could call or catch up with at a moments notice was helpful. If I really needed someone to talk to even at midnight I could call them. Speaking to my sister who had been through a divorce helped as she understood some of what I was going through. So seeing if you can find some others who have struggled with perfectionism might be able to help with those ideas there. 

 

One other important thing was that with the counsellors help I worked out what helped me through tough times and then make a plan for what to do if things got really tough to make sure I was in a safe place. This was complicated a bit by being the custodial parent which means I also needed to find someone to take care of my son. I was able to learn to recognise when I was heading into a depressive state and then put my plan into action. The great thing was that I was focussed on what I had to do to follow the plan that I didn't have time to think about my problems until I was in that safe place. So is there any signs that let you know when you are about to be too hard on yourself? If so that can help to break that pattern. I really wish I had something helpful to say to help that but I can't think of anything and I don't want to use all the same old cliche statements that don't really help.

 

In the end I struggled until I had a major breakthrough. That breakthrough came when I was looking for a new church and at one I visited a stranger I had never met just knew I needed a hug and gave me one. I instantly started crying because I had been desperate for a hug for a year or more. it was that hug that really made me realise that God still loved me. Sure I knew it just like you know those passages about being perfect in God's eyes but it wasn't real to me. I pray it becomes real for you. I still had a long way to go after that hug but it was the breakthrough that I needed. Physical contact is very important for a person with my personality. I now can't imagine ever being that low again even though it is still tough at times. I have even had some civil conversations with my ex which was a great feeling that we could talk and discuss our son without things turning nasty. I am getting there with the help of God nad friends.

Sorry about the length of the post. Hopefully there is something useful you get from it.