Just a vent from a lost soul...

[Guest Blessed1982]

Good Day all,

This is my first post as a user on this forum or anywhere online for that matter, because I have no where else to go...if you do read this...please bear with me...

Before I start, I would like to give some testimonial background.

I was born a Hindu. When I was about 9 years old, I heard a song being played on the TV and it showed the famine in Africa at that time and I just new in my spirit that's what I wanted to do...help people. When I was 11 years old, I was always curious about Christianity but never could do anything about it. One day, when I was 11 years old, I heard music coming from a room at my school, and out of curiosity I went to the room only to realize it was a worship team. I felt very ashamed to walk out of the room, so I stayed and I never forgot how I felt. I felt....light...nothing I had ever felt before going to Temple or any other place. I said from that day, I didn't find GOD...he found me.

Unfortunately, my life has been filled with a lot of hurts and pains. Grew up in a home with an alcoholic father. My parents argued from sun up to sun up. School was just as bad. I ate lunch at the back of the school on my own and had a lot of people hate me and speak all manner of ills against me...However, I became liked when I was about 15 to 16 at school..when it just about ended.  My family was not well off and when I was 16 and finished high school, I began working at KFC and other jobs to help support my family.  I ended up getting married; going back to school, getting my degree in Social Work and I am now a social worker.

The very first memory I have of myself was walking the street with my head down, feeling like I didn't deserve to look up at anyone's face. I remember forcing myself to look up when I walked. During my time growing up at home and school, I was not liked at all. I endured a lot physically, emotionally and mentally,  at home and at school. I have been told I was ugly, worthless, a host of animals, a leech, etc. I had sexual advances made on me by my father and uncle, (kissed on mouth and groped once I remember).  Eventually, I got married to my husband whom I love, but he was a part of that crowd in high school and marriage has not been easy.  His family also hated me, saying I would drain him, I was too fat, dark, etc. I didn't work for a time after having our daughter to raise her, and then I went back to school; however, he ended up having emotional affair with someone from a class he was taking and essentially blamed me for it. It was another very painful time for me. I should say that one night, when I was 16, I couldn't take no more...I was suicidal, cutting, the pain in my heart manifested physically in my body and I begged GOD, one night...I said...GOD, whoever you are...JESUS, ALLAH, RAM, KRISHNA...whoever you are...I can't take it anymore...help me! The next morning I woke with a weight lifted off my shoulders and I just knew....JESUS!

That's a brief background.  Now the problem...

In University, I met a group of Christian women. One was older than myself and the other one around my age. I must say, that during these times, I fought back, and anytime anyone insulted me, I would say I am not what they claim. Recently, due to Elections in my country (we supported two separate parties), a lot of racist remarks were going around, particularly from one side. One of my Christian friends did not take well to it when I tried to bring balance and show that racism was not just on one side....but this did not go over well and when a few of my colleagues from University posted and commented about me saying they expected better from an "open minded" individual, where did my principles of social work go, etc., she agreed with them. When I told her I was hurt and upset that she didn't at least try to understand me and defend me to them, she said that I need to take a look at myself and basically stated I was racist, abusive, etc. throughout our friendship. I was SHOCKED....my other older Christian friend chimed in and said that they had decided to pray for me, but I am basically resisting ( I guess by my saying I'm human) introspection.  She stated that she would reflect in her life and perhaps I should also on why people react to me the way that they do....I responded and said that I will admit I went overboard with the rants about racism in my country and I can be emotional and overbearing, particularly with issues where there is an oppressed group; however, when I apologized and told them over and over how sorry I was I made them feel that way, but I only get upset like this when people take advantage of others and I think I am human, I made a mistake...and I apologized again, to which my first friend said that if that's what I came up with after introspection, she would not make excuses for me and that there's nothing she can do and to go on being myself.

Now, I admit, I am an advocate. I argue passionately about issues where people are hurt, in pain being oppressed or one which and takes away their human rights...and I can get very emotional...but I try so, so hard to be a good person and I will say my online rants have become much less.  This was my first one in almost a year. However, I have noticed that I have had people just leave me...friends who I have helped while they were in hospital, have turned on me. etc and I don't even know why.  it really is too much to tell here...but basically, no matter what I do...no matter how much I try to be someone else, or even myself....I try to be good...I love GOD...I don't ever want to hurt a fly...I try to look at all sides and be fair...I don't understand....why people always hate me...they always have...from since I can remember, I have never been good enough....no one has really loved me for me...and when I do speak; I am immediately shut down...

I am here now, wondering what is wrong with me...why my entire life, I have had no one speak good about me and why it is that everyone who knows me starts hating me...I was suicidal and a cutter growing up with these same thoughts...I used to ask my husband...tell me who you want me to be...and here I am again...at square one...I don't know who to be..I am clearly not good enough...no matter how hard I try to be good to others, speak life into them...help them when they need me...be there for them...when I need someone, I end up alone...ALWAYS alone...I can't begin to tell you how much tears I have cried in my life...enough for 100 lifetimes...every day I would cry...sighs....I am a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad daughter, a horrible friend, a pig, a dog, worthless, have psychological issues, etc... 

I don't know what else to do...I don't know if I can live with myself if I am to believe I am a racist abuser who needs the attention of others....I can't....It feels like people just see me and hate me...(even in work) No matter where I go....I try to be good...I try so hard...I don't speak ill about people, and I am not kidding...it seems like people just wake up one day and hate me, and I KNOW this cannot be true....I know there must be something wrong with me...I know I am not perfect...but everyone can't be wrong!!...but I try to follow GOD's commands...I love people...I love helping them...I don't know what is wrong with me....

[Secret__]

TY for sharing.  I am very sorry you had to experience those things.  I know you can be healed.  I did notice a pattern in your words and I am still studying what you wrote.

[missmuffet]

Welcome to Worthy.I hope you stay and post with us after your one post as a new member 

[petula]

Welcome to Worthy , praying for you .

[Marilyn C]

Hi Blessed1982,

Thank you for sharing your heart rending story. Like the other posters I will also pray for you. Now what comes to my mind when reading your story is that you are looking to others for acceptance. Do you know that no one, actually no one but Jesus understands us. People are mostly all busy with their own lives, & own thoughts & just give us a quick look & superficial judgment. So my advice to you is to not expect understanding from others but to find your peace & acceptance in Jesus. Now I know that can sound difficult, but as you go about in your daily life, practice thanking the Lord for what you have & see - food, clothing, shelter, husband, a body that functions, ability to see the wonders of creation. If we don`t appreciate all these things then aren`t we not really appreciating the Lord.

You will find that your spirit will become more settled & content, not looking to frail human being to fulfil ourselves.

Blessings, Marilyn.

 

[FresnoJoe]

Praying~!

~

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. Psalms 103:12

[Ezra]

Blessed1982:

First of all I believe that the Lord directed you to come here and pour out your heart.  So please accept my sincere sympathy for everything that you have suffered. Obviously no one else can possibly imagine what you have gone through, but God knows absolutely everything, and Jesus cares about your anguish.AND WITH GOD AND CHRIST THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, AND MORE THAN HOPE – THERE IS THE GUARANTEE OF ETERNAL LIFE WITH THEM, AND WITH ALL THE SAINTS.

I am here now, wondering what is wrong with me...why my entire life, I have had no one speak good about me and why it is that everyone who knows me starts hating me...I was suicidal and a cutter growing up with these same thoughts...I used to ask my husband...tell me who you want me to be...and here I am again...at square one...I don't know who to be..I am clearly not good enough...no matter how hard I try to be good to others, speak life into them...help them when they need me...be there for them...when I need someone, I end up alone...ALWAYS alone..

There does not seem to be anything wrong with you based upon your desire to help others and be an advocate for them. But the important thing at this point is to know, and to believe, and to hold fast to who you are in Christ. If you have truly believed on the Lord Jesus Christ and received Him as your Lord and Savior, then you should know that you are:

1. A child of God, and heir of God, and a joint heir with Christ

2. Forgiven, cleansed by the blood of Christ, justified, sanctified, and made a new creature in Christ

3. God lives within you, and you have received the gift of the Holy Spirit

4. The Holy Spirit is there to give you strength, comfort, and guidance

5. God has given you at least one spiritual gift.

I can't begin to tell you how much tears I have cried in my life...enough for 100 lifetimes...every day I would cry...sighs....I am a bad mother, a bad wife, a bad daughter, a horrible friend, a pig, a dog, worthless, have psychological issues, etc...

Understand clearly that in India, Satan controls the general population with their idolatry and superstitions.  He is also your enemy and the enemy of God.  Therefore you will be under constant attack.  At the same time, remember that greater is He (Christ) who is within you than he that is in the world (Satan).

 I don't know what else to do...I don't know if I can live with myself if I am to believe I am a racist abuser who needs the attention of others....I can't....It feels like people just see me and hate me...(even in work) No matter where I go....I try to be good...I try so hard...I don't speak ill about people, and I am not kidding...it seems like people just wake up one day and hate me, and I KNOW this cannot be true....I know there must be something wrong with me...I know I am not perfect...but everyone can't be wrong!!...but I try to follow GOD's commands...I love people...I love helping them...I don't know what is wrong with me....

Here’s what you need to do to be strong and have the support of Christian brothers and sisters:

1. Find a sound Bible church in your area

2. Obtain a Bible and study the New Testament, beginning with the Gospel of John

3. Request that you be baptized as a believer (if you know for a fact that you have been born again)

4. Commit yourself to attend every service

5. Commit yourself to a time of personal prayer and Bible study

6. Ask the pastor to assign two elders to disciple you.