cohabitation

[Guest bethysms]

I really didn't know where to post this at, so I did it here. I don't even know if anyone will respond to this or not. I have a major question that me and my fiance are confused about. He grew up southern baptish and I grew up Catholic, however neither of us agree with those religions, so we are in the process of finding a religion that will be good for us and enforce what we already believe. Some of our beliefs include communion, baptism as an infant and an adult, worship, no premarital sex. Also, I would like to know more about cohabitation. Our situation is that we are both in school and for economic reasons we are living together for the time being. We do not have sex and we are not even tempted to have sex (especially considering I may see him a total of 5 min every day). We are getting married in less than a year and we are committed to each other. We would be married now if it wasn't for time and money. I think we are both really confused and need a direction to turn. Please someone help us.

Beth

[Nicks Girl]

Are you both believers?

I would read my Bible first and foremost to find out what IT says about things you differ on. I don't believe living together before you are married (even if you are not sleeping together) is right. It's the appearance that is wrong. There is no accountability in that situation.

If you are planning on getting married, you could get married, and then save up for a nice wedding reception in the future.

My DH and I got married 6 months ago and the marriage license cost us 35 dollars, and it took 10 minutes to fill out.

[Guest bethysms]

I have researched this topic quite a bit and most of what I have found is premarital sex is wrong (obviously), but living together is not necessarily if done in the right context. By the right context, I mean ....made a committment together (and we have, we are engaged and have a date set). The thing is we both believe living together is ok, but we both believe in God and we want a place that we can worship. By appearance, did you mean what other people will think? If so, I really don't care about that. I care about what the people I know think. And my friends and family know that we will not have sex until we are married and understand our situation. Also, I only care what they and God thinks. If there's anything I've learned, it's not to care what other people (those who don't know you) think.

[Nicks Girl]

I have researched this topic quite a bit and most of what I have found is premarital sex is wrong (obviously), but living together is not necessarily if done in the right context.

[Guest bethysms]

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we have been living together for almost a year now and we don't plan on changing that. We both believe in Christ and we both want a place to go and worship and become stronger Christians, but nothing is going to change the fact that we are living together. Aren't we hopeless? I think it's kind of bad to say there will never be a religion to accept us this way, so we should just stop practicing, praying, etc. I just don't know what to do.

[Ovedya]

I agree with Nick's Girl. A lot of times it's the Lord's testimony that is at issue. Let me give you an example that may even sound extreme to you. But when you read the explanation at the end, I think that you will understand a little bit more.

A certain brother who happened to be an elder in one of our church localities flew into town on a red eye. He was to speak at the church the following day, and fly back out to another locality the day after that. Now, we have a long-standing unspoken tradition in our ministry of saints taking hospitality for out of town visitors, and such was the case with this brother - he was to spend the two days in town with some local saints, a young couple as it turned out.

On the night of the elder's arrival the young brother who was supposed to pick him up at the airport had to work late on a project. So the sister, without thinking twice about the situation, drove to the airport to pick up the elder. When she arrived alone at the airport to pick up the elder, he refuse to get into the car with her. When the sister asked why, he simply asked for another brother to come and pick him up. Well, needless to say this sister was extremely offended. After all, she took the time out to drive to the airport, find a parking space, and go through security to meet him at the gate. She called he husband on her cell phone at work, and he immediately dropped everything to drive to the airport to pick up the brother.

Later that night the husband explained the situation to his wife, and it made perfect sense. The elder had not done anything wrong. In fact, the whole thing was the husbands fault for forgetting to tell someone else to pick up this elder at the airport. But supposing that elder had stepped into that car with the sister? Surely nothing would have happened. The elder himself was a happily married man, and the sister would not have even thought twice about making a pass. The thought was absolutely unheard of. However, supposing that some other saints were at the airport? Supposing some saints were out driving in their cars, and they saw that elder in the car with the sister? Supposing some unbelieving friends of that couple saw the sister and elder together? Maybe they would have thought nothing about it. But then maybe some of them would think something.

The situation was innocent enough. But it may have given place to the enemy for the spread of gossip, rumors, etc. Above all things in the church we have to remain proper in our standing with the saints. We cannot allow the enemy any opportunity to sow dissention among the saints.

Your situation may be different, sister. And I don't know that the Lord stands in judgment of your living situation. However in the church we are called to a higher standard than that of the world. We cannot assume that this situation or that situation will not bother some saints, or cause them to stumble, just because we feel content with it. Now, that doesn't mean we get all paranoid about what we are doing and how we are doing it? Not at all. What it does mean is that we care for the saints even when they are unaware of it, and we care for the Lord's testimony among ourselves - even before we do so before others.

Now, imagine you finding a church that matches your personal beliefs. Imagine telling them that you and your fiancee are living together and yet are not married. You don't know any of these saints from the next person on the street, so you don't know whether some will be offended or not. But they are not going to say so one way or another, because they don't know you from the next person on the street. So what if your situation causes the stumbling of even one brother or sister? Do you seriously think that they would believe that you are living together and yet not having sex? The best thing is to maintain the proper testimony before the saints, and before the Lord.

Finally, ultimately it will boil down to one thing: This is between you, your fiancee, and the Lord Jesus. No advice given to you on this forum will help you out of your situation. If you are having reservations about your living situation you should take it to the Lord. But if you are looking for an excuse to continue living in a way that potentially harms the Lord's testimony, then I'm afraid you may not find it here. You sound resolute in your desire to remain living together. Is that resolution one in spite of what the saints tell you, or is it in spite of how the Lord feels about it?

[Ovedya]

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we have been living together for almost a year now and we don't plan on changing that.  We both believe in Christ and we both want a place to go and worship and become stronger Christians, but nothing is going to change the fact that we are living together.  Aren't we hopeless?  I think it's kind of bad to say there will never be a religion to accept us this way, so we should just stop practicing, praying, etc.  I just don't know what to do.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I wanted to address this. You were typing at the same time that I was.

Let me ask you - is your relationship such with your fiancee that you believe the two of you cannot weather living apart from each other? it sounds to me like you are looking for a church solely on the basis of their accepting your living situation. Is this really a good reason to seek the fellowship of the saints? Forgive me, but it sounds really superficial to me. Don't ask yourself whether the saints approve of your situation, ask the Lord Jesus! You may very well find some church that receives you regardless - and I hope that you do - but consider my last post concerning the Lord's testimony and ask whether you should be seking a church on such a basis.

[papasangel]

put it this way if you live together even platonically someone will notice. As a christian woman we should not give people room to "speculate" by cohabitation.

[RustyAngeL]

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we have been living together for almost a year now and we don't plan on changing that.

[pretzelperson]

I really didn't know where to post this at, so I did it here.

Edited February 4, 2005 by pretzelperson