What to do...what to do....

[finding God (angel)]

How is your daughter?

[Quizzy]

Incidentally Quizzy I did not realize that you were a woman until just now when I looked into your profile  :

I hope I didn't offend you in anything I said. 

Carlos

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Curious, would you have taken my advice seriously if you knew I was a woman?

[carlos123]

I also have a tendency to be judgemental.  And that alone is not good at all. 

I get angry and express things in anger rather than love quite often. 

So yeah, for sure there are things in me that have inevitably affected my wife.

This may be a turning point?

Not sure about this being a turning point Quizzy. if there is any kind of turning point to all this it's not through the realization or admission of fault or even through changes in those things that we are at fault in. It is in a comittment to love each other no matter what the other person is like.

To love each other unconditionally.

That is indeed a turning point and one which the Lord I think is helping me to approach though I am not quite there yet due to harboring resentments against my wife that have to be let go of.

In other words the solution to my marriage woes is not for me or my wife to change per se. But rather for the both of us to committ to loving each other no matter whether the other person changes or not. That is something I vowed to do in my marriage vows. It is only now after five years of marriage that I am begining to see how much it takes God at work in the heart to have any hope of that becoming a reality.

It is a love that we, in our natural selves are incapable of expressing.

We will always have things in me and my wife that will need changing. It would seem then that changing alone is not the solution. Rather a willingness to love no matter what. And I don't mean to love as the normal understanding of that word but rather in how Dave shared earlier. A mad, undying, initiating kind of love like Christ has for the Church.

Since I cannot change my wife or get her to love me that way then it falls on me to love her that way. And since she cannot get me to love her that way then it falls on her to love me that way.

Hopefully one or the both of us will come to love that way. Since my wife has freely confessed an unwillingness to live for God then it falls on me to do that and to love her.

I am sure that the Lord knows what He is doing in allowing me to be in this kind of position. If nothing else I can sure move forward into learning to love as He loves.

Carlos

[carlos123]

I also have a tendency to be judgemental.  And that alone is not good at all. 

I get angry and express things in anger rather than love quite often. 

So yeah, for sure there are things in me that have inevitably affected my wife.

This may be a turning point?

Not sure about this being a turning point Quizzy. if there is any kind of turning point to all this it's not through the realization or admission of fault or even through changes in those things that we are at fault in. It is in a comittment to love each other no matter what the other person is like.

To love each other unconditionally.

That is indeed a turning point and one which the Lord I think is helping me to approach though I am not quite there yet due to harboring resentments against my wife that have to be let go of.

In other words the solution to my marriage woes is not for me or my wife to change per se. But rather for the both of us to committ to loving each other no matter whether the other person changes or not. That is something I vowed to do in my marriage vows. It is only now after five years of marriage that I am begining to see how much it takes God at work in the heart to have any hope of that becoming a reality.

It is a love that we, in our natural selves are incapable of expressing.

We will always have things in me and my wife that will need changing. It would seem then that changing alone is not the solution. Rather a willingness to love no matter what. And I don't mean to love as the normal understanding of that word but rather in how Dave shared earlier. A mad, undying, initiating kind of love like Christ has for the Church.

Since I cannot change my wife or get her to love me that way then it falls on me to love her that way. And since she cannot get me to love her that way then it falls on her to love me that way.

Hopefully one or the both of us will come to love that way. Since my wife has freely confessed an unwillingness to live for God then it falls on me to do that and to love her.

I am sure that the Lord knows what He is doing in allowing me to be in this kind of position. If nothing else I can sure move forward into learning to love as He loves.

Carlos

[carlos123]

Curious, would you have taken my advice seriously if you knew I was a woman?

Of course! I am open to advice and input from anyone. Christian or not. Man or woman.

Fortunately, interacting with sisters on the forum I do not normally encounter the kind of emotional venting, lack of emtional control, and lack of clear communcation that I am more accustomed to experience from the fairer sex .

I guess that's why I sometimes think I am talking to a man Because what the sisters are saying sounds so logical and well thought out and free of emotional entaglements. Sad I know but my exprerience of women in real life from my mom to my poor wife has been anything but that.

Irony of ironies I find it incredibly amusing that the Lord has led mostly sisters to respond to my posts. I don't quite know why that is exactly. Maybe it's got to do with the way I talk so manly like

Carlos

[carlos123]

How is your daughter?

Hiya Angel. Thanks for asking. She is doing okay I guess. We are back to a sort of mutual unspoken compact where she does what I ask her to do (wash dishes, etc..) without too much fuss and I try and leave her alone.

In other words a working relationship of sorts. She absolutely flipped out on me the other day (i.e. full and unchecked emotional venting, teeny bopper tones of voice and sarcasm, immature outlooks, and you name it). It was quite a drama. One would have thought the whole world was falling or that she was rehearsing for the part of Ophelia in Hamlet or something. All over my asking her little more than to clean up after herself on the counter once again (for the 1000th time).

It was so bad that I told her that if she did not get a hold of herself and stop her shenanigens in the future in terms of responding to me like that, that she was going to have to move out or that if mom did not support this that I would move out. That definitely calmed her down some eventually. While she was in her hissy fit it was absolutely useless to talk to her.

If she treats me like (I won't say the word here) then I simply take away things that she has come to rely on me for. Like a ride to school (she can walk), or a ride to work (she can walk) or TV for a day or other such things. Such tactics seem to be working wonders so far. Still she hates my guts but values her mom enough to not make too much of a ruckus given that she knows mom is going through some very rought times and does not need her to add to that.

And so we both try to survive around each other. Without unduly burdening mom (my wife) with our own relationship problems in addition to those me and my wife are having.

Sometimes it's all I can do to cry out to God for mercy in the midst of living with two very emotionally reactive women . Another incredible irony. How I ended up marrying into a family having the kind of emotionally reactive women that I do not like being around and simply do not understand.

They say that women tend to end up with men like their fathers. Well in my case, I don't quite know how it happened for my wife did not seem anything like this when I married her, I ended up with two women very much like my mother (bless her soul but who was very emotionally reactive). If there is any truth to such things it must have been a subsconcious thing on my part to choose my wife and daugther.

Of course it is also possible that God is honoring why I came up to Canada in the first place. As a way to get to know Him better as I stepped out in faith, leaving my own land, and going far away to the great white North to meet and potentially marry my wife.

Perhaps the Lord knew that I needed women just like my wife and daughter to confront some issues inside my own heart with rrespect to my view of women. For all her faults there is one thing that my wife has above almost every other woman I have ever known. I stick to itness that just won't quit (although lately that's been totering a bit - but you wouldn't believe all the stuff my wife has had to contend with in life). And in the case of being married to me I guess that kind of persistance is a good thing .

I don't know why I share so much with ya all about my life but it is helping me. In the sense that I don't bottle things up as most manly men like me ( ) are prone to do. And the Lord is using the input I am being given to help me see myself better and where I might need to change. Even if it is coming to me mostly through members of the fairer sex .

Carlos

PS. I'm really starting to like that little figure rolling around on the floor

[finding God (angel)]

I am glad you share with us.

[carlos123]

I am glad you share with us.

Thanks Angel but may I ask, why you are glad that I share with you all? Just curious.

Carlos

[nebula]

Hey, Carlos!

Some things you have spoken struck a chord of pain in me.

You see, I am a female, and my father is constantly making anti-female comments (right in front of me at times!). I fell like, "So, is this what you think of me?" Likewise, whenever he hears of a marital problem, he's always (no exaduration) blaming the wife no matter what the situation. He even blames the wife if the man is having a sexual addiction problem! I seriously wonder if whenever (if ever) I get married and my husband and I have a conflict that my dad will side with him and not with me.

(BTW, I am terribly frightened of marriage actually. Will being married to a man be like living with my dad? Will my husband treat me the way my dad has treated my mom? Will he misunderstand me as bad as my dad always has?)

My father also has a short temper. For years I thought of him as a volcano. In fact, I became terrified of my dad's anger. To this day, I cannot emotionally handle someone's temper being raised at me - whether I deserve it or not. (Just last night, I had a co-worker get upset and dumped on me with it. I was feeling depressed from it the whole rest of the night.)

My father also has a serious mistrust issue. I mean, he's convinced of the worst in people. With me, if I misunderstand what he says he accuses me of rebellion. If I think for myself and come to a different conclusion than he has he whines about how disrespectful I am of him. I am a very, very, mental-oriented person (even more so than he is - I don't look down on him for it; his gifts lie elsewhere), and this hurts me to the core. Why does he have to take it so personally?

I live in constant pain because of this.

Mind you, I do love my father, and yes he does have a lot of good qualities. I do not mean to sound as if these faults are all I perceive of him. However, I have been deeply wounded by these attitudes and actions of his.

And I don't even want to go into how bad his mistrust attitude (or paranoia, if you will) has hurt my mom. The things he has falsely accused her of were horrible.

Just thought I'd give you a glimpse of what the other side might be feeling, if that helps.

[carlos123]

Thanks so much for sharing Nebula! I don't have time to say anything more as I am flying out the door but I wanted to say at least say that. I will share more later.

God Bless You.

Carlos